Think my husband is having an emotional affair.

[RubyTuesday7]

In my situation (see a couple posts up) where my wife wanted to know the full story, I offered for her to call my ex gf to prove there was no inappropriate activities going on. Sure there was my comment about how she looked good but I was willing to face the backlash from that comment to prove nothing went on.

 

 

Would you be willing to meet with the ex gf? I would think it would be difficult for both of them to conceal the truth without getting tripped up. They might not have even coordinated a cover up and she might reveal what you're looking for - the truth.

How long was you in contact with her?

I'd definitely be willing to meet up with the ex, but I doubt she'll throw him under the bus. And plus, she'll want to protect herself.

I've never been insecure or acted jealous, so he can't even use that as an excuse as to why he kept it from me. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[elaine567]

2 years is a long time and I've no doubt he's probably become emotionally attached to her. She's fully aware he's married with children. Don't suppose she gives a ****.

True, she won't give a **** about you, but no doubt she will love him.

OW, especially single ones tend to get heavily involved, she may in fact be glad you found out, so she can have him all to herself.

A 2 year affair is unlikely IMO not to be physical and yes she will protect him all she can, so talking to her will be pointless atm.

[RubyTuesday7]

Ruby: I am so sorry to hear you are in this situation. The anxiety and stress can be overwhelming and make you feel that you're starting to go a little crazy.

 

How is your H behaving toward you? Is he remorseful? Angry? Defensive? Cooperative? How he responds to your feelings right now can be an important indicator of just how badly he feels about what he's done.

 

I am sorry to say that I agree with those who say that a 2-year correspondence with someone who lives driving distance from you has almost assuredly resulted in a PA. I am so so sorry. Is she married, too? If yes, I'd suggest speaking to her husband. He may be able to shed some light on the siti uation.

I don't think I've ever experienced pain like the pain I'm feeling now.

He seems devastated, willing to do anything to put it right. He offered to phone her in front of me, pretending I wasn't present, so I could hear it for myself that nothing was going on. At that point, I just wanted him out of the house, so didn't take him up on the offer. Wish I would of done now!

[BuddyX]

I would see an attorney to gauge my options. Also, see IC asap. I'm sorry, but it will get worst initially. That's why you'll need support, from friends, family, and IC.

 

The worst part for me was when my spouse tried to initiate intimacy post DDay. I wasn't sure if she was think of me or the OM. Things like that will eff with your mind.

 

Stay strong. Remember, he did this to you. No matter how he spins it, you're the victim. And oh yeah, whenever you grill him about that OW do not accept "I don't know" for an answer. 2 years does not equal I don't know.

[ladydesigner]

RubyTuesday you need to get his cell phone somehow when he is sleeping and run DrFone on it. If it is an iphone you can back it up and look at the data files as all deleted texts lie nested in the code Also put a keylogger on there!

 

If it's an iphone you can set up 'find my iphone' so that you can track him on gps.

 

It took me 6 months to find out the truth about my WH's A but I didn't let up. Keep digging you only have what is called the tip of the iceberg I'm afraid.

[ladydesigner]

This would be useless. Most Mm and OW have rehearsed ahead what that convo will look like when they get caught. It's code for "help me cover up more so I can keep seeing you"...

 

She's on his side... Don't bother expecting her to consider your feelings.

 

Exactly! They want this thing to continue so BOTH will lie at all costs to keep the A going.

[Grapesofwrath]

I don't think I've ever experienced pain like the pain I'm feeling now.

He seems devastated, willing to do anything to put it right. He offered to phone her in front of me, pretending I wasn't present, so I could hear it for myself that nothing was going on. At that point, I just wanted him out of the house, so didn't take him up on the offer. Wish I would of done now!

 

Ruby: This is an awful experience you're going through. Gut-wrenching. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep breathing. Try to take care of yourself.

 

While your husband makes a nice gesture here, I agree that it won't give you the answer you seek. Too many ways in which that sort of thing could be prepared for ahead of time. By now, she no doubt knows that you know about their 2-year deception, so it's hard to imagine him just calling her for a regular conversation and her simply chatting away without asking any questions.

 

If he is willing to do anything to put it right, you can ask to see his phone immediately, in that moment, to see what is there. You can also ask for passwords to all his email/text/whatever accounts and look at them right there, in front of him, before he has a chance to go in and delete things. Still, he may be deleting as he goes and this won't help much.

 

Remember, too, that he probably has email at work and that may be an avenue of communication also, depending on the circumstances.

 

Have you considered hiring a PI? Have you reviewed credit card bills for any strange charges?

[MJJean]

True, she won't give a **** about you, but no doubt she will love him.

OW, especially single ones tend to get heavily involved, she may in fact be glad you found out, so she can have him all to herself.

A 2 year affair is unlikely IMO not to be physical and yes she will protect him all she can, so talking to her will be pointless atm.

 

Not necessarily. She might be quite happy to tell Ruby everything because she wants him for herself.

 

Also, polygraph. They may not be 100% accurate, but they are fairly decent, not terribly expensive, and generate a lot of "parking lot confessions" on the way in for the poly to be administered. Tell him if he wants a shot at working this out, he has to pay for and submit to a polygraph. His reaction alone will be very telling. Then schedule the test.

[RubyTuesday7]

So, i decided to contact the OW last night. I know some people advised me not to. I texted her saying, you've probably already been informed off my husband what's happened over the last couple of days, but I want to know the nature of your relationship with my husband, and was she aware that he'd completely hidden their 'friendship' from me. I was prepared to hear a bull**** story from her, but I wanted to hear what she had to say.

She apologised and said she was under the impression that I was aware they spoke, that she doesn't understand why he'd hide something so innocent. She then offered to forward their whatsapp conversation, I said yes, I'd like to see it.

I knew that there was the potential to delete parts of the conversation but I asked to see it anyway. She said nothing was going on between them, she'd never do that to another woman, never has. I didn't mention, that my husband also lost his mum suddenly a few months ago, she said that's all they had in common, the loss of their mums.

 

She forwarded the whatsapp conversation via email. There was nothing untoward in it. But I'm not being naive to the fact she could deleted parts of the conversation to make it look innocent.

 

I'm going to go ahead and buy a VAR today to put in his car tomorrow to see if I can uncover any further evidence. I'm also planning on doing the data recovery on his phone soon:

 

I'll be honest, I'm still not convinced that it was all innocent and she's probably played it down a lot.

[elaine567]

I am sorry I know you were desperate for the truth and couldn't wait to confront, but you have gone the wrong way about finding put what really was gong on, as now if there is anything untoward here, they will both be taking this way underground.

 

A PI is really your best bet, I guess.

 

When she texted him that night and you wanted to see what she had said and he deleted that entire conversation, was that on the records she gave you?

[RubyTuesday7]

I am sorry I know you were desperate for the truth and couldn't wait to confront, but you have gone the wrong way about finding put what really was gong on, as now if there is anything untoward here, they will both be taking this way underground.

 

A PI is really your best bet, I guess.

 

When she texted him that night and you wanted to see what she had said and he deleted that entire conversation, was that on the records she gave you?

 

Yes that message was on there. They were discussing how they were both dreading their birthdays, the first without their mums. From the what I can gather their birthdays are a month apart.

 

And I know, I could kick myself today, my emotions are all over the place and I just felt desperate for some answers. I'll have to see if the VAR comes up with anything.

Edited October 7, 2016 by RubyTuesday7

[Wookin Pa Nub]

How long was you in contact with her?

I'd definitely be willing to meet up with the ex, but I doubt she'll throw him under the bus. And plus, she'll want to protect herself.

I've never been insecure or acted jealous, so he can't even use that as an excuse as to why he kept it from me. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

 

 

My ex gf sent me a fb request in march, sent a couple messages in march then a few more in June. She ended up not replying a couple times and I got the message and stopped with the messages. She is married with kids. I admit it was a bit of a rush to get in contact with her again. A few months later my wife found out and went ballistic. I had deleted the messages long before that.

 

 

With your situation there's some more smoke there. If it were me, I would ask very pointed questions to your H. Then if you think it would work, ask the other girl the same questions and see if their stories line up. Or maybe just do this - try to catch your H off guard and tell him you just talked to the other girl and she told me everything (even tho you didn't) and see if he confesses.

[l8estnews]

Trusting and loving someone deeply to the core and then being betrayed is the ultimate pain anyone can ever feel aside from being abandoned by their parents.

 

Ruby, the pain you feel right now is just an indication of how much you love this person, and how much you are connected to him.

 

But always remember that loving someone that much shouldn't be a reason not to love and respect yourself.

 

FACTS:

 

1.) He hid their communication for 2 YEARS.

2.) He has her address in her Google Maps. There is NO WAY that's saved without him going there.

3.) He erased all their messages in his phone.

 

If I were you, these are already enough things to call off my marriage. But that's me. I do not need any other "proof."

 

Sorry to hear this.

[MJJean]

 

I'll be honest, I'm still not convinced that it was all innocent and she's probably played it down a lot.

 

It's sad to think he may have damaged trust over something innocent. it's even sadder to think he is betraying you physically as well as emotionally. Kind of no win. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[aileD]

Did you tell her to stop talking to him?

[RubyTuesday7]

Trusting and loving someone deeply to the core and then being betrayed is the ultimate pain anyone can ever feel aside from being abandoned by their parents.

 

Ruby, the pain you feel right now is just an indication of how much you love this person, and how much you are connected to him.

 

But always remember that loving someone that much shouldn't be a reason not to love and respect yourself.

 

FACTS:

 

1.) He hid their communication for 2 YEARS.

2.) He has her address in her Google Maps. There is NO WAY that's saved

without him going there.

3.) He erased all their messages in his phone.

 

If I were you, these are already enough things to call off my marriage. But that's me. I do not need any other "proof."

 

Sorry to hear this.

 

It just doesn't look good when it's documented like that does it?

 

I'm starting to think I'd be a fool to try and forgive him for this.

I'd hate to be one of them tortured souls, scrutinising the last 2 years of my marriage. And I'd hate having a relationship full of contempt.

[RubyTuesday7]

Did you tell her to stop talking to him?

 

She said, I will respect your marriage and stop all contact with him.

[Grapesofwrath]

She said, I will respect your marriage and stop all contact with him.

 

This is great news. Not only would it give you the desired outcome, but if you find even one more text/email/phone conversation between them, then you have your smoking gun.

 

Did your husband offer to do the same? Is she married also?

[Doorstopper]

I have looked up the address of an old girlfriend in the past. Never been to her house, never even spoke to her in 30 years. Why, curiosity, I guess. I've never strayed and don't have an intention to.

 

My wife had an EA and she looked up her OMs address, they never met of course it was a little different since they were not in the same area.

 

I'm not trying to defend him of say that he didn't do the worst you can imagine, but just pointing out that while the gun may be smoking, there is no 99.999% proof, at this point.

 

I would ask the woman if you can see her her text messages. They can be confirmed with phone bill message logs, if some were deleted. Since she kept the Whatsapp logs, she may have all the messages as well. Best way might be to ask to meet for coffee, so she doesn't know in advance.

[Mr. Lucky]

It just doesn't look good when it's documented like that does it?

 

I'm starting to think I'd be a fool to try and forgive him for this.

I'd hate to be one of them tortured souls, scrutinising the last 2 years of my marriage. And I'd hate having a relationship full of contempt.

 

Just as I wouldn't stop looking for the truth, I also wouldn't jump to conclusions.

 

Keep your eyes open and all options on the table. Plenty of time for decisions down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RubyTuesday7]

This is great news. Not only would it give you the desired outcome, but if you find even one more text/email/phone conversation between them, then you have your smoking gun.

 

Did your husband offer to do the same? Is she married also?

 

He's blocked her number, removed her from all social media, said he will never speak to her again.

[RubyTuesday7]

Just as I wouldn't stop looking for the truth, I also wouldn't jump to conclusions.

 

Keep your eyes open and all options on the table. Plenty of time for decisions down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I told my mum everything today, she pretty much said the same.

She told me to not make any decisions in haste until I've got the full truth.

[merrmeade]

Or maybe just do this - try to catch your H off guard and tell him you just talked to the other girl and she told me everything (even tho you didn't) and see if he confesses.

yes, this works - once. Twice at most.

 

I got my H's confession this way. Told him my sister-in-law had told me everything so he might as well come clean. Second time I said she'd 'indicated' the PA was more than hugs. I got partial truth.

 

You might want to work on your story to be more credible than that.

[heartwhole]

I'm very sorry you're in this position.

 

Of course you hope it was "just" an emotional affair, but it doesn't add up. If the messages were those innocent ones the OW sent you, why did he erase them? And since he offered to call her in front of you, my guess is that they've coordinated stories.

 

I told my husband from the beginning that I needed to know everything, that we couldn't rebuild on lies. He told me I knew everything (that it was just an EA but no meet-ups, no declarations of feelings on his end, etc.), but it wasn't convincing -- he just looked like somebody who wasn't telling the truth. And then I found more and more. I found pics of him in his underwear on the iPad our kids use (it had synced without him knowing). So then I knew there was sexting and he surely just deleted the X rated pics right away. I'm no fool. But because the OW lives over 24 hours by PLANE away, I assumed there was no PA.

 

Then I charged up his old iPhone that sits in the drawer. It was the same password as his new phone (of course I had demanded the password immediately). I got into his "deleted" email account. That's how I found out it was a PA when he had taken a business trip 3 months earlier -- she flew more than 24 hours each way just to spend less than two days with him.

 

All of this discovery took about 2 weeks. He swears up and down he was probably going to tell me that night because we had our first MC appointment the next day. He actually had put a house around the block under contract during those two weeks. He claims it was because he was sure I would divorce him when I found out about the PA. Who knows. Was he weighing his options, considering making a go of it with the OW? I can't know. All I know is that once I found out about the PA and didn't immediately murder him, he told me about the house and got out of the contract. We bought a vacation home instead.

 

So all I can say is that if it doesn't feel like it adds up, there's a reason. Who flips out over innocent messages that the person on the receiving end thinks are no big deal? There's more to this story. There's the Google Maps.

[BuddyX]

I'm very sorry you're in this position.

 

Of course you hope it was "just" an emotional affair, but it doesn't add up. If the messages were those innocent ones the OW sent you, why did he erase them? And since he offered to call her in front of you, my guess is that they've coordinated stories.

 

I told my husband from the beginning that I needed to know everything, that we couldn't rebuild on lies. He told me I knew everything (that it was just an EA but no meet-ups, no declarations of feelings on his end, etc.), but it wasn't convincing -- he just looked like somebody who wasn't telling the truth. And then I found more and more. I found pics of him in his underwear on the iPad our kids use (it had synced without him knowing). So then I knew there was sexting and he surely just deleted the X rated pics right away. I'm no fool. But because the OW lives over 24 hours by PLANE away, I assumed there was no PA.

 

Then I charged up his old iPhone that sits in the drawer. It was the same password as his new phone (of course I had demanded the password immediately). I got into his "deleted" email account. That's how I found out it was a PA when he had taken a business trip 3 months earlier -- she flew more than 24 hours each way just to spend less than two days with him.

 

All of this discovery took about 2 weeks. He swears up and down he was probably going to tell me that night because we had our first MC appointment the next day. He actually had put a house around the block under contract during those two weeks. He claims it was because he was sure I would divorce him when I found out about the PA. Who knows. Was he weighing his options, considering making a go of it with the OW? I can't know. All I know is that once I found out about the PA and didn't immediately murder him, he told me about the house and got out of the contract. We bought a vacation home instead.

 

So all I can say is that if it doesn't feel like it adds up, there's a reason. Who flips out over innocent messages that the person on the receiving end thinks are no big deal? There's more to this story. There's the Google Maps.

 

That's just cold Heart. What's your current situation? Are you with your husband?