Messed up bad with guy :(

[Miss Spider]

Expiat and Sahara both say I come across annoying and desperate. Also anxious and insecure. Can you tell me specifically what part have that impression? All? I thought I did seem desperate, but I was upset, and always speak from my heart.

I'm going to have to be stronger in the future. Thank you,all.

[Zahara]

Sorry. I should have been more clear. The text exchange occurred before the phone conversation in OP. He never responded so a day later I called him. He said he forgave me. But it's true..forgive doesn't mean want to date me again. Still, he should have been mature enough to say he doesn't think it's a good idea to see each other again or stay in touch instead passively agreeing, but maybe he was trying to back away politely. Wasn't polite!

 

If he had said he didn't want to stay in touch or see each other, that would have probably sent you off the rails again. And he has seen first hand as to how volatile you can get so he took the safe way out, the oath of least resistance, passively appeased you to avoid anymore drama.

 

I can't imagine 6 dates and this much drama. Imagine if you were in a relationship and something happened!

 

Seek counseling. Stay away from dating.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry. I should have been more clear. The text exchange occurred before the phone conversation in OP. He never responded so a day later I called him. He said he forgave me. But it's true..forgive doesn't mean want to date me again. Still, he should have been mature enough to say he doesn't think it's a good idea to see each other again or stay in touch instead passively agreeing, but maybe he was trying to back away politely. Wasn't polite!

 

That's exactly what he did.

 

Why? Because you seem to the be the type who doesn't take "no" very well and he doesn't want to deal with your emotional chaos. And honestly, he shouldn't need to tell you directly he doesn't want more contact - it's quite obvious from this exchange that he doesn't.

 

Delete his number so this doesn't happen again!

[Zahara]

Expiat and Sahara both say I come across annoying and desperate. Also anxious and insecure. Can you tell me specifically what part have that impression? All? I thought I did seem desperate, but I was upset, and always speak from my heart.

I'm going to have to be stronger in the future. Thank you,all.

 

Yes, all of it. You don't know when to stop. It's good to speak from the heart but you're all over the board. Just reading that exchange, I was cringing. No man wants to have to deal with a basket case 6 dates in.

[elaine567]

In 6 dates you have broken up with him 3 times and you expect him to still be around????

Are you being serious?

 

That conversation just shows he has the patience of a saint or you are seriously hot, very few men will out up with that nonsense.

He did the right thing by giving up on you.

Leave him alone and any other man alone until you have sorted out your own issues.

It is not fair on them.

 

Dating is supposed to be easy and fun.

I see no fun in being dumped three times in a short space of time by a girl who is "confused" and "scared".

[Miss Spider]

If he had said he didn't want to stay in touch or see each other, that would have probably sent you off the rails again. And he has seen first hand as to how volatile you can get so he took the safe way out, the oath of least resistance, passively appeased you to avoid anymore drama.

 

I can't imagine 6 dates and this much drama. Imagine if you were in a relationship and something happened!

 

Seek counseling. Stay away from dating.

 

That makes a lot of sense. I probably will. Thanks again

[Lansing]

I agree with others. You really should talk to someone on a professional level about this so that you are able to deal with your own anxieties and feelings before you meet someone new. I think it will help a lot and allow you to have the type of relationship you want in the future. I understand why the guy walked away in this situation.

[mortensorchid]

You're DONE and that deserves to be in all caps. Move on.

[Redhead14]

I'm upset. I went on 6 dates with a guy. Three times I broke it off and asked for him back because I was confused. He was patient but the last time he finally said he was done. I feel like he was being a bit melodramatic, but still felt guilty. Somehow I wind up begging for him back desperately while he was at work (if you have time to waste and enjoy cringing I put entire msg convo below). I felt he kept throwing me crumbs to keep me going. He finally said he'd think about it. I got confused again so I said, "you don't have to think about it. I caused too much resentment, but I wish you the best" He never got back. A day later I called him and it went to voicemail. He called back immediately and seemed okay. I said "do you forgive me?" He said "yeah" we chat 2 minutes and I said " well I'll let you go, but would you like to see each other again? I understand if you'd rather not or need space." He said no he would, he's just busy this weekend. I said okay well keep in touch. He said he would!!!!!

 

Then he wishes me a good weekend only to never contact me again. It's almost 4 days. He used to text daily. Lame. I told him I'm not seeing anyone else, how he's the only on my mind, and how much guilt I feel. Yet he doesn't have the decency to tell me on the phone he needs space or we aren't compatible. He's just gonna ghost me like that, when I didn't do that to him. At this point, I'm not even sure I want to see him again. I am HARD NC and so there won't be any more reaching out from me. Just wondering how much longer I should give before I can delete him from contacts and just give up on this one since he appears to have left me hanging and moved on.

 

Just wondering how much longer I should give before I can delete him from contacts and just give up on this one since he appears to have left me hanging and moved on

 

Sweetie, you treated him very poorly and were entirely too dramatic and to be blunt -- a hot mess. He's already deleted YOU so you can do the same for yourself right now. Please do remain no contact -- do not reach out to him again -- you'll only be embarrassing yourself more.

 

I feel like he was being a bit melodramatic -- You feel like HE was being melodramatic????????

 

Stop dating until you are secure, level-headed woman who has insight into her behavior and how it affects/comes across to others.

[ChickiePops]

He may have forgiven you but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to keep seeing you. Think about it. You've gone out 6 times and you've dumped him 3. You have dumped him 50% of the number of times you've met.

 

Would YOU want to date you?

 

I'm glad you're considering counseling. I would recommend showing the counselor those texts.

 

Also..gently..you asked how you were annoying. Repeatedly breaking up with someone who has expressed feelings for you is not very kind and is annoying. Panicking and bombarding them with 50 texts in the span of 2 minutes, especially while they're at work, is very annoying, regardless of whether or not you spoke from the heart - what you said didn't matter, it was the act of texting 50 times that was annoying. Needing constant, and I meant constant quite literally in this situation, reassurance and validation is annoying.

 

All of these things are extremely overwhelming, especially for someone who's only just met you! It's a LOT of drama to deal with during what's meant to be the honeymoon phase of your relationship. I told you in my first post to you that you were giving me anxiety..I wasn't kidding! I can feel the anxiety rolling off my screen in your posts.

 

This is why so many of us are telling you that you're not ready for dating. You need to get to the root of why you behave this way.

[ChickiePops]

Also, just to add..it seems like you were expecting your apologies and begging to completely wipe the slate clean. That's not how it works unfortunately. You can't unring a bell. Apologizing doesn't make someone forget what you've done.

 

I can't blame him for shutting down his feelings..you taught him to expect that high level of drama very early on and it wasn't what he was looking for so he lost his attraction to you.

[Jejangles]

Also..gently..you asked how you were annoying. Repeatedly breaking up with someone who has expressed feelings for you is not very kind and is annoying. Panicking and bombarding them with 50 texts in the span of 2 minutes, especially while they're at work, is very annoying, regardless of whether or not you spoke from the heart - what you said didn't matter, it was the act of texting 50 times that was annoying. Needing constant, and I meant constant quite literally in this situation, reassurance and validation is annoying.

 

Yes, totally agree with this. OP, you need counselling and self reflection to cope with your anxiety. You basically set off an anxiety bomb on this guy, confused him and frankly turned him off. It's not fair to pull all your internal issues on someone else, especially someone you are just getting to know.

 

I do somewhat understand your impulses - I'm an anxious dater and sometimes it would feel good to just let it all out on someone else. But over time I have learned to reflect on my feelings, figure out what's triggering them and deal with them on my own. The moment you feel most anxious and upset is the moment you should put the phone down and work on yourself.

 

This guy is done, leave him be and work on you.

[Jejangles]

I read back into your other posts on this situation. The guy lives 1.5 hours away, your schedules are different and he is non committal on where the dating will go / defining the relationship. These are all anxiety triggers in my experience. Chances are you can feel that this is a situation that is unlikely to work out and that is what is making you go over the top.

 

I would still suggest therapy, but I would also suggest you read the book Attached. I read it last year and without being hyperbolic, it basically changed my life. I realised that my relationship anxiety actually helps me because it warns me when a situation is unlikely to work out for me and when I'm dating the wrong person.

 

Towards the end of last year I was basically in a similar situation to you - had been on a few dates with a guy who lived a distance away, differing schedules, daily contact but was never sure when I would hear from him, and was never sure when we could see each other next. It provoked a lot of anxious feelings in me (although I never unleashed them over him). It fizzled out after two months and I seriously questioned if I would ever meet anyone who was right for me.

 

A month later, at the beginning of this year, I met someone else. He lived close by, our schedules aligned, he always made plans for the next date at the end of the last. I never really had to feel anxious, and if I ever did, I was able to cope with it because I knew I was generating my own anxiety, it had nothing to do with him. We have now been dating 9 months and I have felt calm and happy the whole time. We can seriously see a future with each other. Being in this relationship has clearly made me see how much I put up with in the past, and how my anxiety was sparked by men who were completely wrong for me.

 

This is long, but just wanted to share that things can get better. You just need to do the work and find the right guy for you.

[Miss Spider]

I feel like he was being a bit melodramatic -- You feel like HE was being melodramatic????????

 

 

Yes, he was. We dated for 6 dates. No 6 years. No 6 months. I told him in person for closure that I didn't think should see each other anymore. It was hard. He knew my issues. I said I enjoyed our time spent, but it was just too hard,sorry, and hugged bye. It should have been done. Instead he guilted me by asking through text what he did, sad face gif, and saying I'm ignoring him(incidentally, what he has done to me). Somehow, he turned it around to where I was questioning my decision to break up with him again and made me feel super guilty for making him feel so bad which is easy because I've low self esteem and high empathy.What I did here wasn't right, but I can't just pretend I feel secure when I don't. am a mess, and I will not be dating for a long while. But he did played with me and he treated me a bit poorly too. Thank you so much for your input

[Miss Spider]

He may have forgiven you but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to keep seeing you. Think about it. You've gone out 6 times and you've dumped him 3. You have dumped him 50% of the number of times you've met.

 

Would YOU want to date you?

 

I'm glad you're considering counseling. I would recommend showing the counselor those texts.

 

Also..gently..you asked how you were annoying. Repeatedly breaking up with someone who has expressed feelings for you is not very kind and is annoying. Panicking and bombarding them with 50 texts in the span of 2 minutes, especially while they're at work, is very annoying, regardless of whether or not you spoke from the heart - what you said didn't matter, it was the act of texting 50 times that was annoying. Needing constant, and I meant constant quite literally in this situation, reassurance and validation is annoying.

 

All of these things are extremely overwhelming, especially for someone who's only just met you! It's a LOT of drama to deal with during what's meant to be the honeymoon phase of your relationship. I told you in my first post to you that you were giving me anxiety..I wasn't kidding! I can feel the anxiety rolling off my screen in your posts.

 

This is why so many of us are telling you that you're not ready for dating. You need to get to the root of why you behave this way.

 

Thank you. I understand that. I'm really not proud of how I acted, but I felt so guilty and desperate. You're right, that I was trying to fix everything with a lot of words, but it doesn't work that way, and the drama turned off any kind of attraction he may have had

[Miss Spider]

I read back into your other posts on this situation. The guy lives 1.5 hours away, your schedules are different and he is non committal on where the dating will go / defining the relationship. These are all anxiety triggers in my experience. Chances are you can feel that this is a situation that is unlikely to work out and that is what is making you go over the top.

 

I would still suggest therapy, but I would also suggest you read the book Attached. I read it last year and without being hyperbolic, it basically changed my life. I realised that my relationship anxiety actually helps me because it warns me when a situation is unlikely to work out for me and when I'm dating the wrong person.

 

Towards the end of last year I was basically in a similar situation to you - had been on a few dates with a guy who lived a distance away, differing schedules, daily contact but was never sure when I would hear from him, and was never sure when we could see each other next. It provoked a lot of anxious feelings in me (although I never unleashed them over him). It fizzled out after two months and I seriously questioned if I would ever meet anyone who was right for me.

 

A month later, at the beginning of this year, I met someone else. He lived close by, our schedules aligned, he always made plans for the next date at the end of the last. I never really had to feel anxious, and if I ever did, I was able to cope with it because I knew I was generating my own anxiety, it had nothing to do with him. We have now been dating 9 months and I have felt calm and happy the whole time. We can seriously see a future with each other. Being in this relationship has clearly made me see how much I put up with in the past, and how my anxiety was sparked by men who were completely wrong for me.

 

This is long, but just wanted to share that things can get better. You just need to do the work and find the right guy for you.

 

 

Thank you so much. I think you are on the money..it was this conglomerate of things that set off bells deep inside and i knew deep inside it wouldn't work. We have those feelings for a reason most of the time, and they shouldn't always be ignored or passed off as crazy. I I just really wanted it to work. Now I don't so much. This whole situation turned me off to him too. In general, dating is too much stress at the momentand I don't want to cause more problems. Im taking a break and working on myself as so many here have suggested. I will also look into that book. Thanks again.

Edited October 11, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[ChickiePops]

Yes, he was. We dated for 6 dates. No 6 years. No 6 months. I told him in person for closure that I didn't think should see each other anymore. It was hard. He knew my issues. I said I enjoyed our time spent, but it was just too hard,sorry, and hugged bye. It should have been done. Instead he guilted me by asking through text what he did, sad face gif, and saying I'm ignoring him(incidentally, what he has done to me). Somehow, he turned it around to where I was questioning my decision to break up with him again and made me feel super guilty for making him feel so bad which is easy because I've low self esteem and high empathy.What I did here wasn't right, but I can't just pretend I feel secure when I don't. am a mess, and I will not be dating for a long while. But he did played with me and he treated me a bit poorly too. Thank you so much for your input

 

Truthfully, he may have said one or two not so great things but you were 95% in the wrong here.

 

You admitted yourself that you cringed looking at the texts between the two of you. You were INTENSE..hot, cold, needy, dismissive, apologetic, accusatory, you want him, you don't want him, you're chasing him, you're running away..on and on..all in the span of ONE text chain..not to mention the fact that you absolutely BOMBARDED him with text messages. Nobody enjoys that. I hope he has an unlimited texting plan! Most years-long relationships don't have crazy text chains like that. It must have been terribly confusing and maddening for him to receive all of that. Most guys wouldn't have taken you back after the first time..he was very patient with you.

 

I'm really happy that you understand that you have things to work on before you start dating again and I really hope you will follow through and find a therapist..you need to learn to contain the crazy.

 

No disrespect here but I'm wondering if you could possibly be undiagnosed bipolar? Not meant as an insult..it is a serious illness and if you are, you should get it treated ASAP. It would explain the swift back and forth mood changes, among other things.

[kendahke]

text exchange after I last broke it. Very long.I feel like for 6 dates this was blown way out of proportion.

 

Yeah. It was blown out of proportion and it was all done by you.

 

You took the 2x4 to the hornet's nest and now you're complaining about being stung.

 

But he made me do a 180.??? How.

 

Nope. Own that. You did the 180 all on your own because it's coming from a position of lack. You realized he wasn't going to play your game. He has too much sense to go there.

 

You'd be better served working out your issues. You don't need a boyfriend--you need to get some resolution within yourself and that requires a therapist.

[katiegrl]

Cookies, for next time , next guy ... after you sort things out within yourself.

 

Two dates is too soon for a man to commit to a "relationship" which is why you broke it off the first time.

 

Then you went back, with the same expectation, and when he didn't acquiesce because it was still too soon, plus you had just broken up with him so he's cautious, , you broke if off again!

 

After that, he was more wary of you and confused (rightfully so), so naturally he is gonna be hesitant about committing to *relationship*.

 

So you accuse him of only wanting casual (when he said no such thing)... and you proceed to riinse and repeat a third time!

 

All this after only six dates!

 

He didn't want to let you go and tried to get you to change your mind, not to guilt-trip you, but because he really liked you!!!

 

The man was a saint! Too much so IMO.

 

Honestly girl, follow the advice given and get yourself some professional help.

 

Best of luck as you move forward!

[Miss Spider]

Thank you,Katie. Thanks,everyone, for the help and support. This is a cool community.

 

UPDATE:

 

I broke NC. (...and everyone sighs and shakes their head)

BUT I followed the advice here and cut him loose. I wanted to fix some of his opinion of me (in case he was like..scared), move on morally since I told him I would only date him, and just officially end it. Else I'd be 90 year old woman still waiting on him to "get back in touch". Oh, and also 'cuz I just can't help myself.

 

 

Me: hi, xxxxx. I know you're at work, but can I talk to you really quick? I promise not to blow up your phone again. I just need closure.

Him: Hey what's up (he sounds thrilled)

Me: I wanted say bye and apologize for how childish I behaved. I was annoying that night. Also, sorry again for putting you through the back-and-forth. I really like you, but you are too far. I kept making excuses, but that's the root of the problem. Casual dating is supposed to be fun and carefree, which hard for me to do at such a distance. I had so much fun, though. You are awesome and very sexy!! I'll stick to dating people nearby (and maybe lower your search radius,just a suggestion) I hope you understand and accept my apology. I wish you the best.

 

Me: K. Well I will take that as you forgive me and I'm just a bit more than weird, but we'll always be cool. I have to block and delete your number now or I will come back lol take care(hug emoji)

Him: Why do you have to block me?

 

 

Then I blocked and deleted on everything. I wish I did it in time to not get that last message 'cuz it nags me, but it's too late now!

 

That concludes this story and my first venture back into dating.

Now I'm going to get therapy.

[george cooper]

Fear is real in always there but if you look at it prevents you to have a good relationship with others and maybe losing a chance to have an amazing relationship with this guy . But everybody deserves a second chance and if he gave you that chance breaks your walls and looks past on the things the hinders you from trusting and stops analysing on things that will not make the relationship with him complicated.

But then again I am not saying trust him blindly. Trust is not just a big word but a rare commodity nowadays but if you love him or you will love him you need to take risk but risk come with double edge blade.but then again what is love with out risk.

[ChickiePops]

Ok. Well..what's done is done, I'm not going to say anything about breaking NC. I'm glad you got your closure and that you blocked him and deleted him. Well done.

 

Have you thought more about therapy so this doesn't happen again?

[Miss Spider]

Ok. Well..what's done is done, I'm not going to say anything about breaking NC. I'm glad you got your closure and that you blocked him and deleted him. Well done.

 

Have you thought more about therapy so this doesn't happen again?

 

 

Thank you, chickie. I know. Now I feel more guilty, but it's closed and I'll heal with time. I made an appointment w my doc yesterday for a referral.

I was diagnosed with general anxiety not too long ago.

[Toodaloo]

Thank you,Katie. Thanks,everyone, for the help and support. This is a cool community.

 

UPDATE:

 

I broke NC. (...and everyone sighs and shakes their head)

BUT I followed the advice here and cut him loose. I wanted to fix some of his opinion of me (in case he was like..scared), move on morally since I told him I would only date him, and just officially end it. Else I'd be 90 year old woman still waiting on him to "get back in touch". Oh, and also 'cuz I just can't help myself.

 

 

Me: hi, xxxxx. I know you're at work, but can I talk to you really quick? I promise not to blow up your phone again. I just need closure.

Him: Hey what's up (he sounds thrilled)

Me: I wanted say bye and apologize for how childish I behaved. I was annoying that night. Also, sorry again for putting you through the back-and-forth. I really like you, but you are too far. I kept making excuses, but that's the root of the problem. Casual dating is supposed to be fun and carefree, which hard for me to do at such a distance. I had so much fun, though. You are awesome and very sexy!! I'll stick to dating people nearby (and maybe lower your search radius,just a suggestion) I hope you understand and accept my apology. I wish you the best.

 

Me: K. Well I will take that as you forgive me and I'm just a bit more than weird, but we'll always be cool. I have to block and delete your number now or I will come back lol take care(hug emoji)

Him: Why do you have to block me?

 

 

Then I blocked and deleted on everything. I wish I did it in time to not get that last message 'cuz it nags me, but it's too late now!

 

That concludes this story and my first venture back into dating.

Now I'm going to get therapy.

 

Cookie he now thinks you are a class a weird psycho! You have done it again! Drama, Drama, Drama...

 

Why could you not just LEAVE HIM ALONE!

 

What is done is done but you REALLY need some therapy before you even think of looking at another man. You have absolutely no control over yourself at all!

 

Please for the love of goldfish will you stay away from men until you can sort yourself out a bit...

[Miss Spider]

Cookie he now thinks you are a class a weird psycho! You have done it again! Drama, Drama, Drama...

 

Why could you not just LEAVE HIM ALONE!

 

What is done is done but you REALLY need some therapy before you even think of looking at another man. You have absolutely no control over yourself at all!

 

Please for the love of goldfish will you stay away from men until you can sort yourself out a bit...

 

I won't, toods. I thought it would fix things. It was a more reasonable explanation. It can't be fixed though and I feel so much guilt for what I've done to this person