Messed up bad with guy :(

[katiegrl]

 

What makes me think smackie is right the most is that he kept asking me why I broke it off and how he was so confused. I had been clear before, so I just ignored him. He said " not cool you're ignoring me" so I felt guilty and responded saying I had been clear and also I was worried about his new work schedule conflicting with mine, leaving very little time to see each other. He just said in person " we'll work it out" , but when i said it this time, he said nothing to quell my concern about this. He said "you're right" so I said " why did you just spend the last hour arguing with me about this, then? Is this fun for you?"

 

He replied, "yes. It's so fun having my emotions toyed with. I'm done. I cant trust you with my feelings now ..etc"

 

Real 'wth?'

 

Fair enough but just out of curiosity why did you break it off the FIRST time? What was he doing/not doing that caused you to want to break if off?

 

Surely it wasn't because he didn't wish to put a label on your RL or still had profile up. I mean you had only had what, a couple of dates before you broke up with him the first time?

 

Re second bolded, I can understand his perspective too and why he felt messed about. No one (man or woman) relishes the person they're dating going back and forth like this (three times within six dates) and being ignored.

 

After six dates HE had had enough.

Edited October 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Fair enough but just out of curiosity why did you break it off the FIRST time? What was he doing/not doing that caused you to want to break if off?

 

Surely it wasn't because he didn't wish to put a label on your RL or still had profile up. I mean you had only had what, a couple of dates before you broke up with him the first time?

 

Re second bolded, I can understand his perspective too and why he felt messed about. No one (man or woman) relishes the person they're dating going back and forth like this (three times within six dates) and being ignored.

 

After six dates HE had had enough.

 

Not sure if you will answer this^ or not, which is fine.

 

But regardless, it might behoove you to work on your trust issues before embarking on dating again.

 

Otherwise, once you develop feelings for a guy, you will get "scared" (due to your past hurts), your defenses will pop up, and you will continue going back and forth.

 

That isn't fair to the guy (or you), in fact it's rather crazy-making.

 

Best of luck moving forward.

[Miss Spider]

You said you had six dates total. Within a two month period.

 

How many dates did you have before breaking it off the FIRST time?

 

And why again did you break it off the first time? Because you thought he was a "player" and you have trust issues?

 

Why did you think this? What things was he doing/not doing that caused you to not trust him?

 

Or that led you to believe he was manipulating you?

 

After 2nd date told him I didn't want something casual, I needed feelings before I sleep with someone. He said that's fine, he did too, and he was starting to get them already.

 

3rd date We were at his house and it was going towards sex. I told him I need time and he said that's okay we're on your schedule. We cuddled and slept. The next day I left early and contacted to say "I think we want different things. I'm not looking for casual sex." He said "what makes you think I do?" I said I just got the impression and he said "I think you have no idea what I want" or something. It weird to me. We then had a day long argument til I thought I was to blame and he told me I needed to trust him.

 

2nd time was after 4th date. After all this I went to delete my account and saw he was still active on the site. He admitted he just went on occasionally when I said I deleted mine because I didn't like online dating. I came here to talk about it and convinced I was just being paranoid again.

 

Thank you for your input/insight, katie

 

I think you're right, space, that this will remain a big ? .

The last person I was with basically played me and used me in the most manipulative way imaginable and I'm still wondering. This was almost a yr ago. Sucks I got played again but at least didn't get in too deep.

[Miss Spider]

I wanna say it wouldn't bother me if inbetween all this he wasn't an absolute gentleman,very affectionate, polite, attentive..always kept contact even when busy. I know I'm partly to blame

[ItsAllConfusing]

I think there's always a possibility. You can't force him to want to be in a relationship. I suggest waiting it out, giving him time. Maybe and not to sound rude or anything but maybe work out these trust issues that you have. You can't enter a relationship when you're dealing with trust issues because you won't be able to offer your best self.

[katiegrl]

After 2nd date told him I didn't want something casual, I needed feelings before I sleep with someone. He said that's fine, he did too, and he was starting to get them already. You were making presumptions based on, AGAIN, your own unresolved trust issues.

 

3rd date We were at his house and it was going towards sex. I told him I need time and he said that's okay we're on your schedule. We cuddled and slept. The next day I left early and contacted to say "I think we want different things. I'm not looking for casual sex." He said "what makes you think I do?" I said I just got the impression and he said "I think you have no idea what I want" or something. It weird to me. We then had a day long argument til I thought I was to blame and he told me I needed to trust him.

 

Not to get on your case, but what impression was that? He seemed to be doing/saying everything right!

 

Again it was your trust issues that caused you to "get the impression" he only wanted casual sex. You see this right?

 

He was also correct, you had NO IDEA what he wanted. You assumed you knew based on, again, your own unresolved trust issues.

 

2nd time was after 4th date. After all this I went to delete my account and saw he was still active on the site. He admitted he just went on occasionally when I said I deleted mine because I didn't like online dating. I came here to talk about it and convinced I was just being paranoid again.

 

Yes and I would agree. Again it was your own unresolved trust issues that caused you to be paranoid about that.

 

You had only had FOUR dates, and you had already broken up with him once. Try seeing it from HIS perspective.

 

 

Thank you for your input/insight, katie

 

I think you're right, space, that this will remain a big ? .

The last person I was with basically played me and used me in the most manipulative way imaginable and I'm still wondering. This was almost a yr ago. Sucks I got played again but at least didn't get in too deep.

 

No you did NOT get played again hun. You only think you did because you have trust issues!

 

Don't allow what happened in your past to effect your current or future.

 

It wasn't your bf's fault some other bozo jerked you around.

 

Please remember that otherwise these same issues will occur over and over in each and every RL you have.

 

You need to OWN this cookies, and get some help with working through these issues.

 

G'luck.

Edited October 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[thecrucible]

With all being considered OP, I don't think you should worry too much. Even if it had worked out with this guy, you have no idea where it could have gone and whether it would have lasted so there's no sense in beating yourself up about it. I think this is just something you can move on from. To reassure yourself, call it 'bad timing'. I'm sure we have all had something not work out due to this very reason.

 

Because you have gone through a painful experience with another guy, you might be making yourself vulnerable to others or to making mistakes. I'd also say not to tell a guy when you are likely to have sex with him - you just do it whenever you are ready, whenever that may be. That way you aren't setting an expectation and you don't feel you should honour that expectation. You were worried about it being casual after you had slept together so that seems to imply that you weren't quite ready at that stage.

[thecrucible]

I think there's always a possibility. You can't force him to want to be in a relationship. I suggest waiting it out, giving him time. Maybe and not to sound rude or anything but maybe work out these trust issues that you have. You can't enter a relationship when you're dealing with trust issues because you won't be able to offer your best self.

 

I agree with the general sense of this. I think OP can see a therapist if she likes or be her own therapist. I have the odd trust issue myself and I don't think this makes me abnormal. It sometimes just takes time to get over certain experiences especially if you are sensitive person. For me I think I won't ever be a clean slate so the OP shouldn't aim for this. It should just be her working on coping mechanisms and gaining a sense of perspective. This takes time. In the end, she's survived and nothing terrible has happened in the great scheme of things. It's a personal disappoint but one that makes her a more rounded person and provide a lesson for how to deal with a similar situation in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

Not to get on your case, but what impression was that? He seemed to be doing/saying everything right!

 

Again it was your trust issues that caused you to "get the impression" he only wanted casual sex. You see this right?

 

He was also correct, you had NO IDEA what he wanted. You assumed you knew based on, again, your own unresolved trust issues.

 

 

 

Yes and I would agree. Again it was your own unresolved trust issues that caused you to be paranoid about that.

 

You had only had FOUR dates, and you had already broken up with him once. Try seeing it from HIS perspective.

 

 

 

 

No you did NOT get played again hun. You only think you did because you have trust issues!

 

Don't allow what happened in your past to effect your current or future.

 

It wasn't your bf's fault some other bozo jerked you around.

 

Please remember that otherwise these same issues will occur over and over in each and every RL you have.

 

You need to OWN this cookies, and get some help with working through these issues.

 

G'luck.

 

All of this.

 

OP, you need to get your emotions sorted. You were engaging in all kinds pf push-pull behaviour and attempting to mind-read. He didn't play you. You were the one making pretty baseless assumptions about him and deciding he "seemed" like a player. You were behaving from a place of fear and mistrust without even giving him a chance to prove otherwise.

 

I have been betrayed too, so I do understand very well where that fear comes from. However, I don't project that on to my current partner. I stayed single for a good year after I was cheated on and worked solely on rebuilding my self-worth and confidence. I think you need to do the same. Otherwise, you will continue to hurt others and yourself with your hot-cold, pursuer-distancer approach. Most guys won't tolerate that for very long, as you've now seen. People have their limits and don't want pay the price for your ex's mistakes.

[Popsicle]

Hello,

There was a guy I was seeing. Due to my extreme trust issues I broke it off with him 3 times during the 6 date/2 month span.. Basically, he wouldn't label our relationship and he still had a profile,. so I assumed he just saw me as a fwb ( though I haven't went "all the way" with him yet). I explained this to him and each time he told me he wasn't seeing others, liked me, but wanted to date more before getting into a relationship but he wasn't opposed to being my boyfriend. I took him as a player because my trust issues and advice given. Well, broke it off through text the first times and the last in person for closure. He immediately got defensive said what the hell and backed away and barely hugged goodbye.. I figured it's an ego blow and he's disappointed in losing his potential casual sex. I left and he texted and said he didn't understand and he had feelings invested and this was making him lose it. After much texting, trying to explain my insecurities and what the issues were, apologizing and trying to defuse drama, he still seemed mad. He said I wasn't just another girl to him etc. It came to a head when he said he couldn't trust me with his feelings anymore and it was over. I immediately thought I made a mistake. I begged him to see me again and I alluded to making it up to him with sex, but he said no, he can't do it, sorry, he doesn't want to get hurt again.. I begged more ( I know, okay? But I realize now I have strong feelings for this guy) saying how sorry I was that I hurt him and I wanted to see him, but I respected him enough to let go. I had to sleep but he finally said he Needed to sleep on this and goodnight.

 

I am not holding my breath. I know how psycho I behaved and how I deserve this 100 times over etc etc. but what am I to do now? How can I maximize my chances of getting him back because now I feel I have a better idea of his feelings but i should have trusted him and went with the flow. It's a sad lesson, because I really have strong feElings for him which is why I was afraid to get hurt. I would NEVER do this again. Not to him or anyone in the future. Is there no hope ? It's over. Has anyone been in a similar situation ?

 

 

Thanks.

 

Oh, he'll take you back. Anyone who listens to someone begging all night is someone who wants to have them back but is scared of a repeat.

 

What he wants is not for you to beg anymore. It was nice for a night but now what he wants to see is for you to stop acting crazy. Stop acting jealous, insecure and trigger-happy. He just wants you to be nice, normal, and mellow (predictable and positive). Get some therapy if you need to. Don't make your past his problem.

[Miss Spider]

He first of all, thank you to all those experienced in life and love for your insight and for following my situation. I have considered it all and learned a lot.

 

Today I caved and texted him. It didn't deliver at first, so I panicked and called. No answer. He called back in minute. He sounded pleasant and not as shy( he's shy in person). I didn't know what to say because no game plan, which made him laugh. I said was really sorry and embarrassed and I know I can't keep doing that ( the flightiness) but that I was worried because I thought his profile said he was looking for something casual and I'm not. He said "no, you can't do that anymore. I told you I'm not just looking for sex. I put I was looking for friends, not a relationship, but if a relationship comes from that, great, but I'm not going to just jump into one" We joked a bit and then I said hope I can see you again but I understand if you need time.. He said he does but he can't this weekend because he has a wedding (that he seemed excited to take me to but I kept breaking up with him so I understand) to attend and other things. I said that's fine. Just keep in touch. He said he would and wished me a great weekend. ....now I'd be lying if I don't feel like it's the end and I won't hear from him again. But I swore not to let me insecurities screw things up again so I won't. I just don't know.

 

 

I never mentioned this before but we live 1 1/2 hours from each other

Edited October 7, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

Oh, he'll take you back. Anyone who listens to someone begging all night is someone who wants to have them back but is scared of a repeat.

 

What he wants is not for you to beg anymore. It was nice for a night but now what he wants to see is for you to stop acting crazy. Stop acting jealous, insecure and trigger-happy. He just wants you to be nice, normal, and mellow (predictable and positive). Get some therapy if you need to. Don't make your past his problem.

 

Thank you. That is exactly what I'm going to do if given a chance

[Miss Spider]

Not to get on your case, but what impression was that? He seemed to be doing/saying everything right!

 

Again it was your trust issues that caused you to "get the impression" he only wanted casual sex. You see this right?

 

He was also correct, you had NO IDEA what he wanted. You assumed you knew based on, again, your own unresolved trust issues.

 

 

 

Yes and I would agree. Again it was your own unresolved trust issues that caused you to be paranoid about that.

 

You had only had FOUR dates, and you had already broken up with him once. Try seeing it from HIS perspective.

 

 

 

 

No you did NOT get played again hun. You only think you did because you have trust issues!

 

Don't allow what happened in your past to effect your current or future.

 

It wasn't your bf's fault some other bozo jerked you around.

 

Please remember that otherwise these same issues will occur over and over in each and every RL you have.

 

You need to OWN this cookies, and get some help with working through these issues.

 

G'luck.

 

 

Thank you so much, katie. getting my head on straight and needed to hear this. Not just for this guy but for all future relationships

[ChickiePops]

Oh my goodness..your over-analyzing and obsessing is making ME anxious! Caaaaallllllllm yourself!

 

It sounds like he was pleased to hear from you..just back off for a while, stop pestering him and panicking at every tiny little thing, and maybe leave your own options open. Dating other guys might give you some room to relax a bit with this one so you don't end up ruining it again.

[usa1ah]

Wow Cookie, sorry about what you went through with your last bf.

 

What you have said about this guy now, I don't think he is trying to play you. Either he has the patience of a saint or has very strong feeling for you already to go through what you have put him through.

 

It all comes down to trusting him. With your last relationship this will be hard for you. But, you will never have a real relationship until you get over/past your last one. You got hurt, we ALL have. Now it time to move past it and find someone that will be true.

 

Start by being a best friend, date and have fun.

 

Good luck little lady

[Miss Spider]

I'm upset. I went on 6 dates with a guy. Three times I broke it off and asked for him back because I was confused. He was patient but the last time he finally said he was done. I feel like he was being a bit melodramatic, but still felt guilty. Somehow I wind up begging for him back desperately while he was at work (if you have time to waste and enjoy cringing I put entire msg convo below). I felt he kept throwing me crumbs to keep me going. He finally said he'd think about it. I got confused again so I said, "you don't have to think about it. I caused too much resentment, but I wish you the best" He never got back. A day later I called him and it went to voicemail. He called back immediately and seemed okay. I said "do you forgive me?" He said "yeah" we chat 2 minutes and I said " well I'll let you go, but would you like to see each other again? I understand if you'd rather not or need space." He said no he would, he's just busy this weekend. I said okay well keep in touch. He said he would!!!!!

 

Then he wishes me a good weekend only to never contact me again. It's almost 4 days. He used to text daily. Lame. I told him I'm not seeing anyone else, how he's the only on my mind, and how much guilt I feel. Yet he doesn't have the decency to tell me on the phone he needs space or we aren't compatible. He's just gonna ghost me like that, when I didn't do that to him. At this point, I'm not even sure I want to see him again. I am HARD NC and so there won't be any more reaching out from me. Just wondering how much longer I should give before I can delete him from contacts and just give up on this one since he appears to have left me hanging and moved on.

[Miss Spider]

text exchange after I last broke it. Very long.I feel like for 6 dates this was blown way out of proportion. But he made me do a 180.??? How.

 

Him: what the hell? Did I do something

Him: thanks for responding

Me: I was driving.. I told you I'm not interested in being fwb/casual. Very sorry.

Him: Who said that's all I wanted? Look, I like you, but I'm not going to just jump into a relationshp. I told you I would wait for you when you're ready(he means wait for sex), but you can't do the same? I'm not in it just for sex and I'm not talking to anyone else! I like seeing you. This back and forth stuff is draining me because I've invested feelings for you and honestly I'm losing interest because of all this.

Him: Cool of you to ignore me

Me: I was working. I'll wait for you. I think you need time to figure out what you want. Hope I'm still around. In the meantime, I cant be with someone who's is not that into me or confused

Him: ok

Me: really? So you ask me for a response to do that haha okay..

Me: not nice to ignore me. But I'm glad I found out sooner than later..

I'm at work

(We used to chat all the time while he was at work but that's fine. I waited til next day)

Me: so no response deserved? even if it's like "you're right"

Him: I don't know what to say to you anymore. You're just so confusing..

Me: I don't know why you think I want a relationship so bad. No offense, but I wouldn't be in a relationship with you if you asked me. I'm still getting to know you

Him: I said let's do that! Let's get to know each other! Next thing I know, you don't want to see me again. For like the 3rd time! Wtf? How are we going to get to know each other if we don't see each other? I'm trying here but you keep pulling away

Me: I want to see you. I just have concerns. I'm also worried though about our convo flicting schedule next few weeks

Him: oh so now you want to see me?

Me: you're twisting what I say. It's easy for you. I'm just another girl for you, but you're the only guy I'm seeing. It can only be casual if our schedules change and we can barely see each other. That's a legitimate concern. Why are you making it out as my fault when it's no ones?

Him: I told you several times you're not just another girl! Do you think I'm a w**** or something? How can I be more clear

Me: of course I don't. Can't I just come over sometime and say I'm sorry and make it up to you?

Him: so you can turn around and do this **** again? Na I'm good.

Me: we cant just forget about all this? I don't want to fight. I just had concerns I wouldn't be able to see you in the future.

Me: & if I kept dating and got to know you more and more bonded that wouldn't be fun look, I think you're at work so I'll leave you alone now. But I'm sorry.

Him: so now you don't want to get to know me. This makes so much sense!

Me: that is completely out of context. Lol I just worry with everything it won't work out. I'd be willing to take the risk if it were practical at all. But makes no sense if we're just going to lose contact

Him: So you assume I'd lose contact with you. That's fair...

Me: Well we'd have to with our work schedules cut back a lot. I'd like to see you at least once a month ??? I don't see how it'd work

Him: you're right

Me: why did you just try to convince me I wasn't?

Me: do you find this amusing?

Him: yeah it's so amusing getting my emotions toyed with. I'm just done. I can no longer trust you with my feelings. It's been fun and I enjoyed your company. Hope you find what you're looking for.

Me: wait, please

Me: please, I didn't mean to breach your trust. I had concerns and I'm trying to trust you. I broke it off because I was scared.

Me: please just talk to me

Me: you're really gonna do me like that? Say I'm assuming you'd go no contact and then go no contact lol

Him: I'm working and you aren't giving me a chance to respond

Me: I'm sorry it just really bothered me you think I'm toying with your emotions.

Me: it sounded like goodbye

Me: is that what you want

Me: I never intended to hurt you nor would i do that to anyone

Me: I'm so sorry I hurt you, but I was scared. I'm not a bad person

Me: i completely understand you're fed up. I would have been a long time ago. I just have troubles trusting men with intimacy.

Me: just give me another chance, please. I would not mess it

Him: I'm sorry, cookie. I just can't. I'm sorry for wasting your time

(Started to panic thinking it's gonna end horribly)

Me: Why?

Me: the only guy ive ever could trust is my dad!

Me: not even if I back off a lot?

Me: you're not even going to give me a chance or tell me why?

Me: i can't see you this weekend or after?

Me: it's not wasting my time. More like breaking my heart

Me: so you won't even talk to me anymore either?

Him: this whole thing is like deja vu.

Me: I know.

Me: I'm sorry. So is that the only reason? Or you just lost interest ?

Him: I don't want to worry about this happening every time. It leaves me feeling like complete **** and ****ing confused.

Me: I'm so embarrassed

Me: I hurts to lose you

Me: Because of my fear of losing you, I lost you

Me: lol...

Me:I think you're a great and I respect you. Im sorry I shouldn't have ldone that. Live and learn I guess ? I appreciate you being so honest with me.

Me: it hurts me so much I put you through that

Me: I never thought it bothered you that much because i figured you had lots of others on rotation... but it mattered to me

Me: I don't see anyone else but you so it mattered a lot to me

Me: I just wanted you to be happy

Me: I want a chance to fix this

Me: I want a chance to try. I don't deserve it?

Me: I'm sorry, I'll let this go.

Him: how many times have I heard this?

Him: 3 times.

Me: *50 more melodramatic, needy, pleading messages in rapid succession *

Me: k that's about 50 messages. I don't like text. I just want to kiss you so bad and say sorry.

Me: I need sleep

Me: Is there any chance I can see you this weekend or next week?

Me: I'll miss you. I'm so sorry. You should understand it's really hard for me to cut off contact and you stop talking to me altogether hurts bad. But Ill respect your decision

Him: I need to think about it. Goodnight.

(Hours later at night I awake sad and guilty but he still at work. Should have nc'ed before this... )

Me: I know u said you'd think about it

Me: I'm up because I feel upset from all the trouble I caused you and I have feelings for you

Me: I don't want to trouble you anymore. I caused too much resentment to fix. 'll let you go. Wish you all the best and I'm sorry again

Me: omg did I just do it again. ??? I did

Me. I didn't mean it like that. I'm open to being with you. I want to and I trust you. I just think my insecurities messed it up this time. I guess it's a lesson for the future. I need to chill out.

Edited October 11, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I participated in your other thread, and my advice is the same:

 

Let. Him. Go.

Please. STOP.

 

He might "forgive" you but that doesn't mean he wants to remain in contact. I am going to be honest, I cringed reading that text exchange. You are coming across as desperate and annoying. Harsh, but it's true, girl.

 

It is obvious he doesn't want to communicate anymore. Of course he's not going to text you.

 

It's not his job to manage your anxiety. Delete him from your contacts and get your mind and heart together. If you don't, you will probably find yourself blocked.

[Toodaloo]

You have created enough drama and messed him about enough.

 

Leave him alone.

 

He doesn't want to deal with it so just leave him alone.

[basil67]

Pretty much what we said in your previous post - you're not ready to date.

 

Yes, he's forgiven you. But this doesn't mean that he will want to date you again. You are too much hard work at present.

[Zahara]

I noted it in your first thread. Stop trying to date. Stay single. Get yourself together.

 

You're insecure, anxious and extremely annoying in your exchange. He may forgive you but it doesn't mean he wants to revisit all this drama you carry around with you. You're exhausting.

[Toodaloo]

I noted it in your first thread. Stop trying to date. Stay single. Get yourself together.

 

You're insecure, anxious and extremely annoying in your exchange. He may forgive you but it doesn't mean he wants to revisit all this drama you carry around with you. You're exhausting.

 

And he has said as much.

 

He doesn't want to be with you. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you want them back in your life in any shape or form.

 

You really do need to sort yourself out. Take time out and sort yourself out. Zahara is right.

 

Leave him alone.

[basil67]

Further to him having forgiven you; would I be correct in figuring that he said he forgives you BEFORE this last exchange of messages? Because this series of messages from you would have firmly cemented any previous misgivings which he may have been trying hard to get over.

 

I say this in the nicest possible way: you need professional help to overcome your personal obstacles

[ChickiePops]

So after all that in your other thread, you went nuts on him again? What happened to giving him space?

 

Forgive doesn't always mean forget, and after 6 dates, neither of you should be so invested that it's THIS much drama to break it off.

 

You have officially gone bunny boiler on him and you need to rein in every single ounce of your self control and delete all avenues of communication so you're not tempted to do it again. It is OVER. There is no coming back from this.

 

I agree with the others..you should not be dating right now, and you should definitely look into counseling.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Miss Spider]

Sorry. I should have been more clear. The text exchange occurred before the phone conversation in OP. He never responded so a day later I called him. He said he forgave me. But it's true..forgive doesn't mean want to date me again. Still, he should have been mature enough to say he doesn't think it's a good idea to see each other again or stay in touch instead passively agreeing, but maybe he was trying to back away politely. Wasn't polite!