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bf dumped me over the phone, one last goodbye? another chance in the future?

yeonnii

By yeonnii
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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yeonnii New Member

yeonnii

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Hello, apologies ahead of time for the long story... :/ I really need some advice I have so much inner turmoil going on, perhaps an outsider can give some wiser perspective on this. (TL;DR at bottom)

 

Our story.

My now ex boyfriend and I were together for almost a year, and flirted for 2 months before things became official. We are each other's first love, I am 22 hes 20 (but our age difference didnt matter) so both in university. We come from different ethnic backgrounds and different religious perspectives (i'm agnostic and he's muslim), but our similarities and differences was what sparked our relationship. I am not a god/religion hating person, so I fully accepted his religious views and took interest to finding out more.

 

When we first started dating, we agreed that this may not get us anywhere, but decided to try it out and see where it went from there. During the course of our relationship everything went very smoothly, we never quite fought - and if i ever did feel upset about something, we'd talk it out and make it better. We both said we love each other 4 months in, and I began to feel like this could get somewhere. I assumed he did too.. which was my mistake.

Throughout the rest of the relationship everything felt perfect, I was probably too blinded by my love for him to see that we weren't on the same page. Either that, or I felt like he would catch up to me eventually. I started seeing this relationship as possibly long term - he made me feel so confident, fulfilled, cared for and loved, he encouraged me to open up completely to him and just be myself; I tried to do the same for him. I started imagining a possible future for us and I felt like he was the one.

 

The sunday before he dumped me, we were still having a wonderful time together - no hint of breaking up whatsoever. But that night as we were walking to the train station, we passed by a couple that appeared to be breaking up and he asked (what I assume casually) what would happen if we hypothetically broke up? what would I be like? I never liked conversations about breaking up like this so I said that I would be deeply hurt and probably take years to completely move on - which was my honest feeling at that time. He then said 'nah, you'll probably get over me quickly and have someone else that falls in love with you like I did'. And that hurt, I didn't realize it at the time but he clearly didn't love me as much as I loved him. While I never thought about breaking up with him, he could bear to imagine me with someone else.

The breakup

2 days later, on tuesday night, he texted me that we needed to talk. He was about to break up with me through text, but I insisted on calling him. His reasons were that we were on very different pages. As he looked deeper into the relationship he didn't see a future for us, and he didnt want to fight for our future together either, so it's best to break up now than hurt more later down the road. He also said he felt like we were holding each other back (probably more me holding him back) and that he wanted to focus back onto himself. I did not expect this at all, I was so blinded by my love for him I chose to ignore any signs if there were any. I begged for him to take me back and give it another chance, but he stood his ground. I asked to see him that weekend but he completely rejected the notion.

 

My dilemma.

It has now been 2 weeks since the break up call, and 1.5 weeks since I last messaged him. I believe I have accepted that this relationship is over for the time being. I still cry, hurt, miss him every waking moment, and wish every day that this isn't how it went down, but I know nothing I say will change his mind and he knows what is best for him right now.

I am contemplating asking him to come out one more time. Perhaps in the next week, or the next month (when we are free). Not to get another chance, but to say a final goodbye as (ex) lovers. I want to ask him the details of why he couldn't see a future with me, when I could and tell him why I could. I don't hope to get him back immediately or any time soon, because school comes first for him regardless. However I want to ask him, depending on his reasons and maybe after hearing what I have to say, perhaps we could reconvene in the future and give it another shot? I may just be holding onto a pathetic sliver of hope, but I don't feel like we are done yet... Its not that I will wait for him. I will try to focus on myself and move on. But say in 5 or 7 years time and we happen to be single, logically in my mind, why not? We know so much about each other, and are so comfortable with each other already. And if we aren't single, it wouldn't be too bad to catch up with each other's lives I think... It's scary to know that if I dont ask him out one more time, I won't see him ever again (at least in the foreseeable future).

Yet I am afraid to face him, I can pretty much guess his answers and I will definitely hurt more again when I see the face of the man I love. A part of me wants to leave it as he meant for it to be (abruptly ended by phone call with words left unsaid and possible hard feelings left). But I personally don't want to end this on a bad note, regret never saying goodbye to him, and let my 'what ifs' wander forever in my mind. What should I do?

 

TL;DR

My boyfriend unexpectedly dumped me over the phone 2 weeks ago, and I want to see him again - not to get him back right now, but to say the things that have been running through my mind for the past 2 weeks, to say a final goodbye, and ask if there could be a chance in the future (or if its totally out of the questions). Most of me wants to go through with this so I wont have regrets, part of me thinks I should just let it be left off where he meant for it to be (brutal one-sided breakup with words left unsaid). I don't know what to do..

Edited by yeonnii
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

yeonni,

I know you are hurting right now but please try and summon what bit of self-respect you have.

 

Why would you want to have anything more to do with a guy who was so cowardly that he broke up with you over the 'phone ?

 

He has shown you who he is - believe him.

 

I'm sorry x

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GoneOrNot Member

GoneOrNot

Posted
Posted

TL;DR

My boyfriend unexpectedly dumped me over the phone 2 weeks ago, and I want to see him again - not to get him back right now, but to say the things that have been running through my mind for the past 2 weeks, to say a final goodbye, and ask if there could be a chance in the future (or if its totally out of the questions). Most of me wants to go through with this so I wont have regrets, part of me thinks I should just let it be left off where he meant for it to be (brutal one-sided breakup with words left unsaid). I don't know what to do..

 

I know that he's only 20, so he's still just a kid and as immature as the usual run-of-the-mill young adult, but HE DUMPED YOU OVER THE PHONE ?! He's a coward, a moron and you should have dumped him first, had you had an inkling of what he was like. I know you're hurting (so am I as my relationship of a year ended horrifically over the weekend), but your boyfriend is really a boy masquerading as an adult. Leave him be and find yourself a grown-up to be in a relationship with. I am so sorry... hang in there, and ((((((Hugs))))))

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yeonnii New Member

yeonnii

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Posted (edited)
I know that he's only 20, so he's still just a kid and as immature as the usual run-of-the-mill young adult, but HE DUMPED YOU OVER THE PHONE ?! He's a coward, a moron and you should have dumped him first, had you had an inkling of what he was like. I know you're hurting (so am I as my relationship of a year ended horrifically over the weekend), but your boyfriend is really a boy masquerading as an adult. Leave him be and find yourself a grown-up to be in a relationship with. I am so sorry... hang in there, and ((((((Hugs))))))

 

Oh I truly hope you feel better soon too! thank you for your support :)

 

To be very honest, throughout the relationship he was the more mature one... he lives independently while I live with my parents, he forced me to talk out my problems with him, he's also very intelligent and career driven (aspires to be a blood doctor). He's not a bad guy at all! And thats why I love him so much.. although I do admit it was cruel to just break up over the phone. Which is why I want to fix that so we can still be on friendly terms in the future.. I dont want to hate him.. :o

 

I'm not sure if this is just because I still come from a place of love, or if I'm just trying to trick myself...

Edited by yeonnii
quattrob Established Member

quattrob

Posted
Posted

hey yeonnii,

 

Just wanted to share what your ex might be feeling or how it was for him.. You could say I was in his position years ago, my so called first love was someone who loved me way more than I loved her. We were together for 2 years and as time went on, no matter how much I tried or she tried (she was kind of blinded by love) we were never able to be on the same page. I gave it 2 years and finally called it quits because I didn't want to waste anymore time and I think another big reason is because I felt like I could find someone better. I think your ex feels the same regarding finding someone better, especially if this was his first relationship.

 

Your ex is definitely immature in relationships, to break up over the phone and to ask you about how you feel if he broke up with you prior to breaking up with you is pretty selfish. You are just defending his actions because you just don't want to believe anything bad in regards to him. I at least went to face my ex to let her know it's not working and to let her know it's better this way in person.

 

Break ups are never easy but breaking up the way your ex did is just him being selfish, a coward and immature. I hope you can realize that and the chances of him coming back is very unlikely so you try to move on.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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OP, how religious is he? And his family? Do you know if he is expected to someday marry within the religion?

 

I ask because there seems to have been a sense from the beginning that this relationship wouldn't be a long-term thing. I know you felt your differences in this regard sparked attraction, and that may well be true, but they can also ultimately mean that a coupling isn't going to last.

 

Also, I know it hurts right now, but don't even worry about what will happen in 5-7 years time. So much changes in your 20s, and there is every possibility you will have moved on to someone else by then. For your own sake, don't ask to meet up with him to say a final goodbye. Those are terribly painful and it won't bring you the closure or peace of mind you are seeking.

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yeonnii New Member

yeonnii

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OP, how religious is he? And his family? Do you know if he is expected to someday marry within the religion?

 

I ask because there seems to have been a sense from the beginning that this relationship wouldn't be a long-term thing. I know you felt your differences in this regard sparked attraction, and that may well be true, but they can also ultimately mean that a coupling isn't going to last.

 

Also, I know it hurts right now, but don't even worry about what will happen in 5-7 years time. So much changes in your 20s, and there is every possibility you will have moved on to someone else by then. For your own sake, don't ask to meet up with him to say a final goodbye. Those are terribly painful and it won't bring you the closure or peace of mind you are seeking.

 

At the start of our relationship he would tell me that he is not very religious (to me he was still fairly religious considering I don't partake in religion). He would fast during Ramadan and before Eid, he says he cant drink, eat pork, or get a tattoo, neither does he gamble or smoke. All of which I was 100% okay with as I personally choose not to drink, smoke or gamble (way before I met him) which is one reason why I felt like we were very compatible despite our different upbringings. I find it quite rare nowadays to find someone my age (whom I'm just as attracted to) that doesn't partake in those things like me. At the time he also felt this common ground was good, and would tell me he didn't care what his family thinks as long as he knows whats good for him... I guess I wasn't good enough..

 

His older brothers are also muslim, but like some other younger muslims in non-muslim countries they still drink, get high and have girlfriends. His parents dont know any of the things his brothers do, and they started preferring arabic muslim girls for their boys ever since all the interracial (caucasian&arabic) marriages in their family resulted in divorces (my family is from Hong Kong).

 

Sorry if that was all TMI, I'm aware that no amount of justifying would change the result of this relationship...

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yeonnii New Member

yeonnii

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hey yeonnii,

 

Just wanted to share what your ex might be feeling or how it was for him.. You could say I was in his position years ago, my so called first love was someone who loved me way more than I loved her. We were together for 2 years and as time went on, no matter how much I tried or she tried (she was kind of blinded by love) we were never able to be on the same page. I gave it 2 years and finally called it quits because I didn't want to waste anymore time and I think another big reason is because I felt like I could find someone better. I think your ex feels the same regarding finding someone better, especially if this was his first relationship.

 

Your ex is definitely immature in relationships, to break up over the phone and to ask you about how you feel if he broke up with you prior to breaking up with you is pretty selfish. You are just defending his actions because you just don't want to believe anything bad in regards to him. I at least went to face my ex to let her know it's not working and to let her know it's better this way in person.

 

Break ups are never easy but breaking up the way your ex did is just him being selfish, a coward and immature. I hope you can realize that and the chances of him coming back is very unlikely so you try to move on.

 

oh quattrob.. it hurts to know the truth. That I wasn't good enough for him, that he wants to find someone better. Oh god, it hurts so much to imagine another girl in his arms, loving all the big and little things I love about him. I was willing to try to be enough for him (learn arabic and learn about Islam for him), not sure if he knew that but it wouldnt have changed anything would it...?

 

And although he was immature about it (as am I right now), I have no choice but to respect his decision. I guess what I was really hoping for was that the timing just wasn't right, and that we could try again later... but for now I know I need to move past this, I'm sure with time I will.

Thank you for your insight

Edited by yeonnii
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

OP, stop blaming yourself and assuming you weren't good enough for him.

 

I think his beliefs and religion played a much bigger role in this than you realize. If his brothers had to hide their activities from their parents, it's virtually impossible that his relationship with you would have gone anywhere. If they strongly frown on something like smoking, then getting serious with or marrying a non-Muslim girl would likely have been out of the question or at the very least have caused a major rift.

 

I know you don't see it now, but in the end, this break-up is probably a blessing. I strongly doubt you two would have had a happily-ever-after story together, and it's better that you didn't invest years before realizing this.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
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TBH, it's doubtful your ex is going to want to get together for this good-bye date. I wouldn't if I had broken up with someone. For what? It would just be too uncomfortable and I wouldn't want to answer a lot of questions and then go through another awkward goodbye (with you having tears in your eyes). Oh, no as a dumper I definitely wouldn't want to do that.

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