What is the difference between living together and marriage?

[Gloria25]

While some may not wanna hear opinions about what's best for children, I believe that the decision to marry vs shacking up factors in what's best for the kids.

 

I mean, look at people who marry. How many of them do you see married and childless for the entire marriage? People wanna put the horse before the cart, in other words they decided to get married cuz before they have kids, they want stability and a "nest" for the kids.

 

That's why I don't get how some people are adamant about having kids, then, considering marriage - as if kids don't need the stability (both emotional, physical, and/or financial) that a well established "nest" has. Kids aren't pets. They just don't adjust to consider a parent whomever feeds them. Shoot, even now a days people are more concerned about the welfare of a pet when breaking up with someone.

[ASG]

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Where I'm from, a de facto union has as much legal value as a marriage certificate. So really there is no real reason to get married, apart from having a party.

 

My cousin and his wife are in that boat. They've been together for nearly 10 years, bought a house, have a 6 year old daughter. They are not married, but refer to each other as husband and wife. They want to get married, because they want the party. But won't do it until they have the money to throw the party they want. Which might never happen.

 

I don't think there is ANY difference. Someone who is committed is committed, regardless of whether they signed a piece of paper or not. Just because you signed it it doesn't mean you won't leave.

Edited October 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[central]

... this thread is about YOUR reasons for getting married vs. living together, and how it feels different to you. If a child is part of that, by all means mention it, but as it affects YOUR decision-making process, not mine.

 

Honestly, it feels no different, and has made no difference in our commitment, interactions, or sex life. If anything, we were worried that marriage would subtly change things for the worse, in that we could take the relationship for granted once it became harder to exit. Fortunately, that did not happen (else we'd have divorced and tried to recapture what we had before marriage).

 

 

Marriage was an entirely pragmatic decision. We already loved each other and were completely committed to each other. It was about health insurance, health decisions, financial benefits, and the like. If not for health insurance needs, we probably would not have married. And in the future, we may pragmatically decide to divorce - for health insurance reasons (Medicaid divorce). If so, we'd still stay together. [Aside: as long as we're married for at least 10 years first, she'll be eligible for a much higher Social Security retirement benefit that she'd get based on her earnings history.]

[xxoo]

Marriage was intentionally becoming family to one another. A husband gets more inclusion in my extended family than a boyfriend, for better or for worse. When we became family, my entire family embraced him as "one of ours".

[BetrayedH]

Admittedly, I haven't read all of the responses here.

 

CD, you wanted a CHILD. You've never claimed to want another husband.

 

Thus, you have a child and no husband.

 

There's no complex psychoanalysis to do here.

[compulsivedancer]

Admittedly, I haven't read all of the responses here.

 

CD, you wanted a CHILD. You've never claimed to want another husband.

 

Thus, you have a child and no husband.

 

There's no complex psychoanalysis to do here.

 

I never said that. I said repeatedly that I only wanted a child in the context of a good relationship. I said that wanted it all. That's why others' reassurances that I could go have a child on my own felt hollow.

 

I did not intend to have a baby quite this quickly. My boyfriend was aware very early that I wanted kids and wouldn't be interested in pursuing a relationship without one, but we definitely had intended to spend more time together alone first.

 

I plan to marry this man some day. But I've never lived with someone before, and it surprised me that I would want to live with someone and yet not feel quite ready to tie the knot. Or that it wouldn't necessarily feel the same as a de facto marriage.

 

So it made me curious what other people's experiences were with their relationships. What is that abstract thing that makes you feel "ready"? Is it an emotional thing? Is it practicality? Is it when you're at a point in life where you're not too tired and broke to plan a wedding? It is once you reach some threshold where your life is now entwined past the point of no return with the other person's? I just want to explore this subject a bit.

[compulsivedancer]

I never said that. I said repeatedly that I only wanted a child in the context of a good relationship. I said that wanted it all. That's why others' reassurances that I could go have a child on my own felt hollow.

 

I did not intend to have a baby quite this quickly. My boyfriend was aware very early that I wanted kids and wouldn't be interested in pursuing a relationship without one, but we definitely had intended to spend more time together alone first.

 

I plan to marry this man some day. But I've never lived with someone before, and it surprised me that I would want to live with someone and yet not feel quite ready to tie the knot. Or that it wouldn't necessarily feel the same as a de facto marriage.

 

So it made me curious what other people's experiences were with their relationships. What is that abstract thing that makes you feel "ready"? Is it an emotional thing? Is it practicality? Is it when you're at a point in life where you're not too tired and broke to plan a wedding? It is once you reach some threshold where your life is now entwined past the point of no return with the other person's? I just want to explore this subject a bit.

As a side note, one of the things that is so sexy about my boyfriend is how much he loves his kids and how much they obviously love him back. It wasn't enough to find a man that will love me and be a great match for me (although that's non-negotiable) - finding a man who truly loves his kids and enjoys spending time with them and wants what's best for them - that is the kind of man that I want to have babies with.

[BetrayedH]

I never said that. I said repeatedly that I only wanted a child in the context of a good relationship. I said that wanted it all. That's why others' reassurances that I could go have a child on my own felt hollow.

 

I did not intend to have a baby quite this quickly. My boyfriend was aware very early that I wanted kids and wouldn't be interested in pursuing a relationship without one, but we definitely had intended to spend more time together alone first.

 

I plan to marry this man some day. But I've never lived with someone before, and it surprised me that I would want to live with someone and yet not feel quite ready to tie the knot. Or that it wouldn't necessarily feel the same as a de facto marriage.

 

So it made me curious what other people's experiences were with their relationships. What is that abstract thing that makes you feel "ready"? Is it an emotional thing? Is it practicality? Is it when you're at a point in life where you're not too tired and broke to plan a wedding? It is once you reach some threshold where your life is now entwined past the point of no return with the other person's? I just want to explore this subject a bit.

 

Ok, fair enough. Sorry if I was indelicate.

 

My personal standards have been that I only wanted to be married once (didn't want to be part of the 50% that divorce) and so I was never in a rush to marry. This is not to say that I had a lot of casual relationships; it was quite the opposite.

 

I always figured that if we were going to be together forever, then the date of the marriage didn't matter much. What I really wanted was to already know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her (and that she felt the same) and then we could celebrate that union with a wedding.

 

What I didn't want was to get married and have that legal status be the impetus for staying together. I waited 5 years before asking my wife for her hand. I would probably have waited longer but it was clear she was growing impatient and I guessed that she had an internal deadline. As it turns out, I think she's the one that should have put some more thought to such a commitment.

 

My current GF and I have been living together for over 3 years now. Again, I'm in no rush to marry. And I'm again in the position where my SO is ready.

 

At this point in my life, I really couldn't tell you how to make such a decision. I had some confidence in my previous strategy but I was only half of the equation.

[compulsivedancer]

Ok, fair enough. Sorry if I was indelicate.

 

My personal standards have been that I only wanted to be married once (didn't want to be part of the 50% that divorce) and so I was never in a rush to marry. This is not to say that I had a lot of casual relationships; it was quite the opposite.

 

I always figured that if we were going to be together forever, then the date of the marriage didn't matter much. What I really wanted was to already know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her (and that she felt the same) and then we could celebrate that union with a wedding.

 

What I didn't want was to get married and have that legal status be the impetus for staying together. I waited 5 years before asking my wife for her hand. I would probably have waited longer but it was clear she was growing impatient and I guessed that she had an internal deadline. As it turns out, I think she's the one that should have put some more thought to such a commitment.

 

My current GF and I have been living together for over 3 years now. Again, I'm in no rush to marry. And I'm again in the position where my SO is ready.

 

At this point in my life, I really couldn't tell you how to make such a decision. I had some confidence in my previous strategy but I was only half of the equation.

 

I'm not really trying to make a decision, just exploring the idea. I feel like I'll know when I'm ready. 1.5 years is still pretty early. And while he says he isn't concerned one way or another, my BF may find that when push comes to shove, he may or may not be ready at that point, too.

 

I'm kind of the type where when I'm ready, I'll tell him. I might even propose. As much as I like the romance of having the guy propose, I'm more interested in having a good life together than a couple perfect moments.

 

With my ex, I wasn't really ready to get engaged or married, and that was part of the problem, I think. I wonder whether we would have ended up married if we'd waited and explored living on our own first.

 

BH, I don't think there's a formula for it. Even if you're good at picking the right person, there's no guarantee. Like you said, there's two people in the relationship. Have you discussed it with her? Not sure if that would make a difference, but she might be able to reassure you, and it might reassure her.

[carhill]

For myself, having been married once, for a decade, other than for that decade I have always lived alone since my choice is to only live together when married.

 

Part of that is spiritual, not religious, relating to intimate bonds of the spirit, part is the melding of families, part is the legal bucket of privileges and rights a signature on a marriage license and a few bucks conveys, the efficiency of that.

 

What it comes down to is choice. I don't choose to live together because I don't want to. Each of us makes our own choices in that regard and none are binding upon another. When two people get married, they enter into certain legal agreements that bind their choices. Some people eschew that. Others don't.

 

At my age, plenty of folks perpetually date, live separately and have fulfilling lives without cohabitation; others choose to live together; others get married, even late in life. That's the cool thing about free will. Think it through, make your choice and move on.

[compulsivedancer]

Btw, I wanted to share and since I have this thread open...I had a healthy baby boy today.

[lgspot]

btw, i wanted to share and since i have this thread open...i had a healthy baby boy today.

 

congratulations cd!!!!!