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What is the difference between living together and marriage?

compulsivedancer

By compulsivedancer
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compulsivedancer Established Member

compulsivedancer

Posted
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***This is not meant to be a discussion about morality, so please leave morality/religion out of it. ***

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half and moved in together in January. We are about to have a baby in the next couple weeks. We have discussed marriage. To me, it's important; to him it's not. However, he is happy to get married if it's important to me. I don't feel ready yet, despite us having a baby together.

 

A while back, I mentioned this in someone else's thread, and another person asked me what the difference is for me. I spit-balled a bit, but the reality for me is that it's a gut feeling that I'm just not quite ready yet. I love him and want to be with him for the long haul, but I'm just not quite ready to be married again (we were both fairly recently divorced prior to starting dating, and he has two kids with his ex).

 

Anyway, it made me curious. What IS the difference for you between being married or living together? What would make you want to take that step, even if you are for all intents and purposes living as a married couple?

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
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If we leave religion/morality out of it, as you requested, then the main difference is the amount of legal protection each half of the couple are afforded if they live together when not married.

 

If you plan to live together and have a child then I would strongly recommend that you jointly sign a Co-habitation Agreement ( or the USA equivalent) that sets out the terms and conditions of the financial arrangements in case of a break-up. This deals with maintenance arrangements and division of assets etc.

 

HTH

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compulsivedancer Established Member

compulsivedancer

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If we leave religion/morality out of it, as you requested, then the main difference is the amount of legal protection each half of the couple are afforded if they live together when not married.

 

If you plan to live together and have a child then I would strongly recommend that you jointly sign a Co-habitation Agreement ( or the USA equivalent) that sets out the terms and conditions of the financial arrangements in case of a break-up. This deals with maintenance arrangements and division of assets etc.

 

HTH

 

Why? Why a cohabitation agreement vs. marriage? Why have multiple categories? What makes one more desirable than the other? If I'm going to spend money on a lawyer, I'd rather spend money on a wedding.

 

And yet...I'm not ready to get married yet. Which seems fairly normal for a couple that's still in the early stages. So, what is the difference?

 

I'm not really concerned about the financial issues involved. With having a baby, the practical part of me thinks that marriage is a great solution.

 

And yet...that gut feeling that says I'm ready to get married isn't there yet. But my gut and the rest of me was okay with moving in together and having a baby. So why does one feel okay and the other feels rushed?

 

I'm definitely more interested in the abstract emotional question rather than the practical aspects of it.

Methodical Established Member

Methodical

Posted
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Marriage creates a legal obligation. I'm happily married, but if something happened to end it, I don't think I would ever get married again. I can commit to a person without signing a piece of paper and having a ceremony. Depending on how you look at it, marriage is a contract that comes with expectations, and there are repercussions if things go south. Whereas living together, you kind of make your own rules as opposed to the laws of the land.

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

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CD,

 

I'm definitely more interested in the abstract emotional question rather than the practical aspects of it.

 

I'm afraid I can't comment on that because I can't get inside your head.

 

My main concern was legal protection for you and the child you plan to have.

 

Maybe others can give you the answers you seek?

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
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Why? Why a cohabitation agreement vs. marriage? Why have multiple categories?

 

In the country I live in, there are no multiple categories. Marriage, de facto relationships of >3 years, and civil unions are all treated the same legally. This refers to both legal benefits as well as separation liabilities (we have no 'divorce' law, only a 'separation' law). If there is a legal difference in your jurisdiction (and if you live in the US, there definitely is), then that would be the #1 difference.

 

But that aside, for me there is a personal difference. Perhaps due to the fact that there is no legal difference here, marriage isn't as high a priority for me as it might otherwise be. But I do desire it, eventually, when the time is right. I think it is more of a social/personal step forward. I like to think of life as a journey, and the same goes with my relationships. Dating > committed R > living together > marriage. Just as how my work life would be school > university > work > retirement. It just feels 'right' for there to be that sort of eventual progression. To me, anyway.

 

But practically, there isn't much difference to me.

doyathinkso Established Member

doyathinkso

Posted
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It could be thought of as the difference between renting a house and owning a house.

 

Renting ..... no ties, no responsibilities, walk away from it on a whim and never look back.

 

Owning ..... a responsible well thought out decision, a commitment to a vision for the future, a promise to make something work through good times and bad and fix what needs fixing.

 

Common-law 'marriage' or as it is better known just plain living together is, sadly, recognized in Canadian law. As a character in a Dickens novel once said ... "The law is an ass".

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cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted

 

What IS the difference for you between being married or living together? What would make you want to take that step, even if you are for all intents and purposes living as a married couple?

 

We would not have gotten married if we could have lived together without. I simply prefer to keep the State out of my bedroom.

 

...And yet. Suddenly all around us, couples are marrying. Couples who have been together for decades, whose children are grown and flown, couples who saw no need ever to marry previously. In some cases it's for practical reasons - people who are getting older, and worried about ensuring their partner is protected should they die; or (post-Brexit) wanting to be sure the Tories can't deport their partner; or buying a new property together (post-kids) and wanting the financials cleaner.... - but in other cases, it's something else. A need to signal to society at large that it's the most serious and committed they can be to each other, even after all this time. A need to show that, now the kids have gone and they're settling into the last few years before retirement, that they're not about to trade in their partner for a newer model and buy a sports car; a need to show themselves and their partner that they really meant it when they professed love all those years ago... It's rather sweet, in one way, and sad in another.

 

But hey, any excuse for a party :)

Shepp Established Member

Shepp

Posted
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It's a personal thing I guess..

 

But for me marriage does feel different to just living together (and even to living together and raising kids). I probably couldn't put my finger exactly on why...

I know a lot of it comes down to tradition and maybe slightly old fashioned law - but you know what? Maybe I'm a slightly old fashioned guy - I can tell you that signing my name on that marriage certificate meant something to me!!

I know in reality it doesn't make you anymore likely to stay together forever, but it still feels, official and permanent - and I like us being official and permanent

 

I kind of take Methodical's point - I think marriage does comes with expectations and hence repercussions if things go south - and I get that, and almost I want that. I'm here for the long haul, I don't want 10 years or 20, I want the rest of my life, and I wanted to commit to her knowing the expectations and repercussions that come with that commitment.

 

(and sure, it was one hell of a party! :D)

beatcuff Established Member

beatcuff

Posted
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among my friends, basically empty nesters or about to be, the most common reason NOT to get married:

 

Their first marriage 'got stale', so by not getting married their partner is more likely to stay on their toes and not take anything for granted.

 

The realization that life is nearing the end, happiness is a high priority and time to seek that out is short. They learned their lesson -- they stayed too long in their marriage for religious, moral, legal and hope (that things will get better).

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

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Q: What is the difference?

 

A: Love / Romance

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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Marriage means a commitment to growing old together and being each other's companion until one of you croaks.

 

Living together means a commitment to share bills and housework.

 

They are just two different levels of commitment.

 

(Not to say people can't make that lifetime commitment without the legality of marriage, but somehow standing up and doing it in front of your family and friends while looking into each other's eyes makes it feel more official.)

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Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

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Besides legal and tax reasons, I still feel there is an additional commitment in there (the whole death do us part stuff). It's a way to further progress the relationship.

 

I have lived with 3 BFs. I married (and divorced) one of them. For me it was a different level of commitment. Both of us or one of use were unable to make that additional leap which is why the other two were never husbands.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I'm quite the opposite to you when it comes to commitment, kids and marriage.

 

We're not married. Have been living defacto since 1993. But having kids together was the ultimate commitment we could make to each other. We're far more committed with children than a marriage could ever make us.

misspond Established Member

misspond

Posted
Posted

Personally I don't think there's a difference other than a big day out.

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jbsophie New Member

jbsophie

Posted
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For me, making a commitment to marry means a lifetime. This is the one. Rough times will come but leaving one another is not an option unless for safety reasons. In my opinion living together means there is a back door because one or the other is not sure of a lifetime commitment. There is doubt about the sustainability of the relationship or maybe there is healing that has to happen from previous relationships. It sounds like you are doing some deep thinking about where you relationship is at. So much to think about with a baby coming! It is good to hear how open you are with your SO as you work through these questions. May you find peace and wisdom.

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RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

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I couldn't imagine being prepared to have a child with someone that I wasn't prepared to commit to - but maybe that's because I do not want children at all. But I always viewed having children as a much bigger commitment than marriage.

 

My husband and I co-habitated for 14 years before getting married! We spent 11 of those engaged.

 

I always knew I wanted to be with him. And had no qualms about getting married - but I never wanted a wedding, it all sounded stressful so it got put off and put off, and just never seemed that important. We used other means to get on each other's insurance etc.

 

Eventually, making that "official" became important to us, we happened to be traveling through Vegas, so we did it!

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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
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Look at Brad and Angelina, while celebrities, they just went through what your average Jane/Joe goes through when it comes to shacking up.

 

They publicly snubbed the concept of marriage, and just like others called it 'A piece of paper that didn't mean a thing'....

 

Well, twelve years later and six kids into it, shortly after they married, they're divorcing.

 

Why?

 

Because shacking-up, playing house, living together is not commitment. People can do that for years, have kids, and they have one foot outside the door the whole time. Marriage, that "piece of paper" is an incentive to protect you and your kids...period. Also, someone standing in front of God, community and family and declaring a commitment to you and your impending family makes it for real for sure.

 

So, that's why Angelina and Brad are breaking up now because neither wanted a real commitment. Once they got married and it got for real for sure, they probably started hyperventaliting, feeling claustrophobic, and now they are divorcing....having kids and/or playing house for almost 12 years didn't mean a thing to them.

 

Now, I still believe there are people who are marrying for whom marriage isn't enough, cuz yea, they picked poorly and have no concept of what marriage and/or family is all about. To me, them standing at the alter is like spitting in God's face cuz they are idiots and are marrying so they can compete with the Jonses and put endless pics on Fakebook to get "likes" all day :rolleyes:...idiots.

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Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

Posted
Posted

The question is what is the difference for you and why do you want to get married but are not ready to marry a man you are about to have child together with?

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compulsivedancer Established Member

compulsivedancer

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The question is what is the difference for you and why do you want to get married but are not ready to marry a man you are about to have child together with?

 

Actually, my question is not about what makes it different for me. I already explained my context. The question is for others to tell me what they think the difference is, preferably leaving out the self-righteous judgment that a couple of the most recent posters included.

 

I'm much more interested in hearing from people who have lived with someone or are currently living with someone, and why they chose to get married, or have chosen not to. Or why they plan to get married, or what would make them want to get married if they aren't currently interested. For those who eventually did get married, what changed, and was there a difference being married vs. living together?

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
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CD,

At the risk of incurring your wrath I feel compelled to say that IMO you have a wrong viewpoint.

 

You are considering bringing a child into this world and that should take priority in your thinking.

 

This prospective child has no choice in the matter and I believe you owe it to him/her to make sure that he/she has the most loving and stable environment to grow up in.

 

So I will continue, and say the same that I say to any female who is thinking about getting pregnant in today's climate. Are you prepared mentally, financially and psychologically to raise that child on your own if necessary?

 

With the best will in the world, couples do break up and it is incumbent on them to make provision for their offspring. Sadly, and too often the woman is left "holding the baby".

 

Hence my comments.

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compulsivedancer Established Member

compulsivedancer

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I have never thought a child was a good enough reason to get married. How many bad marriages and ugly divorces have been based on getting married in the name of a child, when the couple wasn't actually meant to be married?

 

Also, we are completely off-topic here. Once again, this thread is about YOUR reasons for getting married vs. living together, and how it feels different to you. If a child is part of that, by all means mention it, but as it affects YOUR decision-making process, not mine.

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
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CD,

OK fine.

 

You wanted an opinion and you got it.

 

The end. :)

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Posted

I have to put a counter argument to the assertion that marriage makes a greater commitment. Thanks to no-fault divorce, leaving a marriage is just another bit of paper.

 

I found leaving my first marriage where we had no kids far easier than it would be to leave my defacto marriage where there are kids. Mainly because I have to think of more needs than just my own.

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Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

Posted
Posted (edited)
Actually, my question is not about what makes it different for me. I already explained my context. The question is for others to tell me what they think the difference is, preferably leaving out the self-righteous judgment that a couple of the most recent posters included.

 

I'm much more interested in hearing from people who have lived with someone or are currently living with someone, and why they chose to get married, or have chosen not to. Or why they plan to get married, or what would make them want to get married if they aren't currently interested. For those who eventually did get married, what changed, and was there a difference being married vs. living together?

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half and moved in together in January. We are about to have a baby in the next couple weeks. We have discussed marriage. To me, it's important; to him it's not. However, he is happy to get married if it's important to me. I don't feel ready yet, despite us having a baby together.

 

A while back, I mentioned this in someone else's thread, and another person asked me what the difference is for me. I spit-balled a bit, but the reality for me is that it's a gut feeling that I'm just not quite ready yet. I love him and want to be with him for the long haul, but I'm just not quite ready to be married again (we were both fairly recently divorced prior to starting dating, and he has two kids with his ex).

 

Anyway, it made me curious. What IS the difference for you between being married or living together? What would make you want to take that step, even if you are for all intents and purposes living as a married couple?

 

Ok well since your opening post started with stating all the details of your personal story, which are quite contradictory in terms of what you want, you say you want marriage and then say your man doesn't but would for you. Then you say you you are not ready for marriage with him but are having a child together. My questions begged to be asked.

 

But fine you are not up for questions you just want to ask your question (not sure why you would post all your story if all you wanted was to ask that question but I digress....)

 

The difference between living together and marriage is that one you have a foot out the door and when the going gets tough can dissolve at any moment because there is nothing truly bounding you together other than love. The other you do out of love, for the rest of your life with the agreement and

commitment to work through all hardships in order to stay together.

 

You are entitled to each other's benefits and assets and children get to grow up in a formal, traditional setting with more stability. It is statistically proven that kids growing up in cohabiting households will experience a lot more turmoil due to family mixing and unstable parings of their parents. People who live together split up at higher rates than married people do.

 

The reason I wanted marriage was because the level of commitment of simply living with someone and being married to someone does feel different.

Edited by Sunkissedpatio
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