She's still messaging her ex and I'm not sure how I feel about it

[unbeknown]

Okay before anyone gets on their high horse I feel like a scumbag piece of sh*t for going through her messages on her phone. You don't need to tell me. I know it's not something I should have done but when I seen her phone light up whilst she was in the shower with her ex's name I couldn't help myself.

 

Now a little background. Her ex treated her like sh*t. Emotionally and physically. She's only ever spoken bad about him and she very very rarely mentions him.

 

We've been together only 10 or so months so still fairly fresh but she's definitely the type of girl I could fall in love with. So to the messages. It was nothing serious. Just menial small talk. It was mostly him initiating it but she did message him on 2 occasions starting the conversation. He's still clearly in love with her. She said in the messages she's not in love with him and that she's happy in her relationship. Yet even reading that, it doesn't sit right with me that she's messaging him behind my back. They briefly spoke about how they broke up (him having sex with another girl whilst still with her), about her uni course she's started, her friends etc.

 

Fast forward a few nights later and we're both at a concert when she spots her ex walk past who waves at her and she tells me this. In the corner of my eye I notice she's constantly looking in that direction for the rest of the show. I use this as my opportunity for her to come clean about the messages (without revealing that I was snooping, which yes, I still feel sh*tty about).

 

I said to her that he's probably going to try and message you tonight mind on Facebook, to which she replies "oh I don't have him on any social media". Which might be true but doesn't stop messages. I asked when did he last message you to which she said "like last year". Now I'm not the jealous type, I think this is all centred around her doing this behind my back and then lying about it when I gave her a chance to come clean.

 

Should I be concerned? Does she still have feelings for him trying to emotionally connect with him through text reacting to the things he was saying. I trust her to a degree but with her constantly replying to him, he'll never get the message like a little puppy dog clinging on. It's only playing on my mind because I know if it was the other way around she would be freaking. And yes once again I should never have invaded her privacy and I feel bad

 

Any advice much appreciate

Edited October 5, 2016 by unbeknown

[Erik30]

I would just drop it. She still might have some feelings for him because the break up probably came out of nowhere. (Result of him cheating) But you saw what she wrote him, so you know there is nothing to worry about. Bringing it up will only cause problems and make you look jealous. (Which might in fact help her ex a bit)

[LD1990]

Yes, you should be concerned. What she's doing is inappropriate. You know it and she knows it, because if she thought it was fine, she wouldn't lie to you about when he last messaged her.

 

Your girlfriend isn't stupid - she knows replying to him is going to keep him around, that's the point. She likes the attention and she's keeping her options open.

[Raena]

The messages you saw aren't concerning but her lying to you about when they last messaged is. I have a feeling she doesn't want to get you upset so she doesn't tell you about the fact that they still talking but she shouldn't be lying to you about it.

 

At this point in my life and because of my past experiences, I don't deal well with liars... for any reason. I'd probably call her out on the lying and then end the relationship because I wouldn't want to be with someone who could lie about something like this. It would make me wonder what else she's lying about and it would eat me up. I've been lied to in the worst way though so I'm sensitive to it.

 

Probably the more rational reaction would be to discuss it with her, tell her you know and find out why she's lying. If it doesn't bother you that she talks to him, tell her that too. If it does, tell her that. Her answers and reactions will tell you whether or not she's someone you want to continue dating.

[Space Ritual]

Okay before anyone gets on their high horse I feel like a scumbag piece of sh*t for going through her messages on her phone. You don't need to tell me. I know it's not something I should have done but when I seen her phone light up whilst she was in the shower with her ex's name I couldn't help myself.

 

Now a little background. Her ex treated her like sh*t. Emotionally and physically. She's only ever spoken bad about him and she very very rarely mentions him.

 

We've been together only 10 or so months so still fairly fresh but she's definitely the type of girl I could fall in love with. So to the messages. It was nothing serious. Just menial small talk. It was mostly him initiating it but she did message him on 2 occasions starting the conversation. He's still clearly in love with her. She said in the messages she's not in love with him and that she's happy in her relationship. Yet even reading that, it doesn't sit right with me that she's messaging him behind my back. They briefly spoke about how they broke up (him having sex with another girl whilst still with her), about her uni course she's started, her friends etc.

 

Fast forward a few nights later and we're both at a concert when she spots her ex walk past who waves at her and she tells me this. In the corner of my eye I notice she's constantly looking in that direction for the rest of the show. I use this as my opportunity for her to come clean about the messages (without revealing that I was snooping, which yes, I still feel sh*tty about).

 

I said to her that he's probably going to try and message you tonight mind on Facebook, to which she replies "oh I don't have him on any social media". Which might be true but doesn't stop messages. I asked when did he last message you to which she said "like last year". Now I'm not the jealous type, I think this is all centred around her doing this behind my back and then lying about it when I gave her a chance to come clean.

 

Should I be concerned? Does she still have feelings for him trying to em otionally connect with him through text reacting to the things he was saying. I trust her to a degree but with her constantly replying to him, he'll never get the message like a little puppy dog clinging on. It's only playing on my mind because I know if it was the other way around she would be freaking. And yes once again I should never have invaded her privacy and I feel bad

 

Any advice much appreciate

 

1. Don't sweat it about the snooping. We have the age old arguments here about it but obviously by what you saw you did not invade her privacy, but invaded her secrecy.

 

2. The lying means alot. I don't care if it's 10 months or 10 years. A Lie is a lie,is a lie, is a lie....If she is lying to you about that, what else is she lying to you about? hmm?

 

3. Yep you should be concerned. Her ex is still in orbit around her, she still is in contact and she is keeping you in the dark about it.

 

4. I'm not you, but if I were you and this low drama was happening to me, Tomorrow morning would be the relationship's last sunrise. Relationships are hard enough between 2 people, let alone 3.

 

Otherwise tell her she is free to date anyone she likes, just not as your girlfriend.

 

Life is far too short to play games. 10 months is not that much time invested by comparison over the entirety of your life.....I'd advise you to bail...nothing good is going to come from any of this, except probably more lies and mistrust. And once that seed is planted in a relationship, it's there for the duration.

 

Sorry this is happening. Keep your chin up, you'll be alright.

[Gr8fuln2020]

You have two options right now:

 

1. Break up with her...

2. Tell her you know that she has been texting him and call her on the lies. See what and how she reacts.

 

Either way, this is not good in any way. Personally, I wouldn't look back. In fact, that is exactly what I did with my ex and she lost out big time. To the point where she was followed me across the country to try to get back together. I never softened my stance, I am happy, sleeping, more ambitious and motivated. In my situation, I had several, clear conversations about her cutting ALL ties with her "user" (in various ways) ex. She thought I wasn't serious about it. Now she is my past...

[JewelD]

I would def be concerned. If he was such a horrible person, why is she talking to him at all? Especially to talk about their relationship and shoot the breeze like old friends. When you're truly done with someone who has mistreated you, you don't talk to them like that, especially while in a relationship.

[MsJayne]

Maybe she's just too nice to tell him to get lost, or maybe she likes the attention. Whichever way, you need to find a way to introduce the subject without her finding out you checked her 'phone, and let her know that you're not comfortable with her staying in contact with him. You have every right to feel that way.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I would def be concerned. If he was such a horrible person, why is she talking to him at all? Especially to talk about their relationship and shoot the breeze like old friends. When you're truly done with someone who has mistreated you, you don't talk to them like that, especially while in a relationship.

 

Jewel. If she's still talking to this guy and he was an abuser, it was not a healthy relationship at all. I'm betting it was a co-dependent relationship, not about love, or healthiness, rather a desperation to be with someone b/c he, she, they feared being with someone else and starting over. I know first hand what that looks like...thank goodness I did not tolerate it in my previous relationship at all......

[vanhalenfan]

I would have at least just said something like, "While you were in the shower, I saw your phone light up with a message from your ex." Start there.

 

I've been through this with my fiance. Yes, it was ugly when I brought it into the light and admitted everything (all the snooping) but we're building from it....BUT....he never lied about it. He brought it all to the table and discussed.

 

The lying is a big deal, but she probably doesn't want to upset you is all. She still should be honest though. I suggest you tell her what you know and prepare to walk.

Edited October 6, 2016 by vanhalenfan

[Toodaloo]

When you come out of an abusive relationship its hard to move on until you can figure out your "why".

 

I suspect she is still trying to figure out her "why". Its not why did it end but why did I deserve that. So until she realises that she didn't and that he was just an a-hole she will have mixed feelings. She will look over her shoulder because she doesn't want to be with him or near him. She wants you. She has made that perfectly clear.

 

So I would just carry on as normal. Just be yourself and refrain from going all postal on her.

[duncsvoice]

When you come out of an abusive relationship its hard to move on until you can figure out your "why".

 

I suspect she is still trying to figure out her "why". Its not why did it end but why did I deserve that. So until she realises that she didn't and that he was just an a-hole she will have mixed feelings. She will look over her shoulder because she doesn't want to be with him or near him. She wants you. She has made that perfectly clear.

 

So I would just carry on as normal. Just be yourself and refrain from going all postal on her.

 

Completely this.

 

My ex was abusive, and it took me so, so long to understand and process. I've dated other people and am infinitely happier being out of it, but I'm still dealing with these little niggles and questions. If she pops up out of the blue, my head will go in to a tailspin regardless of how happy I am. Being emotionally and physically abused in a relationship marks you for a long time.

 

I would posit that the ex is trying to throw a spanner in the works - hell, my ex is living with a new guy and she'll pop up and try to lure me back in when she hears I'm dating someone new. She might not tell you has has text because of his reactions previously if someone he considered a threat text her. My ex would go BESERK even if a girl who was just a friend text me - and I really struggle to let go of those learned behaviours.

 

It's completely normal to be concerned mate, although as soon as I read her ex being abusive it quickly becomes something else entirely.

 

Knowing what I know now, I would just continue being a great boyfriend, allow yourself the slip up for checking her phone. Understand that what she went through with him isn't something you can just forget and move on, it scars you for a very, very long time.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

1) She said she doesn't talk to her ex. She's been talking to him for the majority of your relationship and lies about it, even now. She claims she's over him and yet stays in contact? Adding to that, what will she do when she finds someone she's actually attracted to? You think you're going to be the first to know in this situation?

 

2) If she can't say no to a guy she supposedly hates and has no feelings for....will you trust her to say no when an attractive guy meets her at a gym and starts texting her? I wouldn't.

 

Regardless of the continuity of your relationship, at 10 months, I fear that dealing with lying about being in contact with an ex is a great indicator of the strength of your relationship. She knows it would upset you, that's why she's probably hiding it. If she's going to hide this, what else will she hide from you in the future if she thinks it'll upset you?

 

Personally, I'd begin to disconnect from the relationship and start to see it for what it is: smoke being blown up your ass.

 

Find a girl who respects you and will tell her ex to **** off.

[Imajerk17]

I take a bit of a darker view on this. I may take some heat for saying this, but a woman who just got out of an abusive relationship and hasn't gotten therapy for it is a deal-breaker for me.

 

Especially if she is still talking to her ex. And I am not against staying friends with ex-lovers per se. If she spoke highly of her last relationship and said they still text every now and then, that's great. But if her ex was abusive and she hates him, then why is she keeping the lines of communication open? Behind your back?

 

Getting involved with a woman in this situation won't end well for you OP. She is quite likely to end up cheating with you for the same reasons why she got involved with that jackass in the first place (and still talks with him despite saying that she hates him).

Edited October 6, 2016 by Imajerk17

[ChatroomHero]

A couple of things I tend to notice in previous "abusive" relationships. Maybe they fought, maybe he yelled, maybe she says he was a jerk and abusive...maybe she lied. Maybe he never cheated, maybe he did because she lied to him and treated him poorly. You know she is lying to you now. You know she still talks to this guy and didn't say, Hey, you were an abusive jerk I need to get away from". You know she initiated contact with supposed abusive ex.

 

 

I can only think of 1 woman I dated that didn't claim their ex was abusive. As it turned out in every case, I could see the faults were probably mostly theirs and their behavior which repeated in our relationships. I could see the maddening, hurtful, disrespectful, dishonest, using behaviors they displayed and yet somehow they felt justified acting that way.

 

 

On two occasions their close friends were long time friends of mine and sided with me and pretty much every time I would hear back about how horrible she told them I was, I would explain my side and they would say, "Yeah, I knew it wasn't you. That is exactly what she did with Fred or Bob or Frank that pissed them off so much".

 

 

Do you really think she just started lying about contacting exes and things like that when she started dating you? I guarantee she lied about contact with other guys in her previous relationships. She may have cheated too and not told you. She may have been the abusive one and lied about that. What you do know is that she is lying to you about this and will continue to lie about it.

 

 

Keep in mind if you believe her ex was "abusive", if you bring up snooping in her phone, you'll be labeled "abusive" for doing that and being mad about what you found. She will tell all her friends how terrible you are because you snooped and found messages that her ex texted her from time to time that she couldn't control and she'll tell them she never replied to him. What she will not mention is how she lied to you about it and texted him twice herself.

 

 

I would never continue to date someone who secretly communicates with an ex and lies about it. It's no issue if she is open about it and they have a reason (money matters, etc.) for contact. The only reason to lie to you about it is because she knows it is wrong and chooses to do you wrong.

 

 

Think about it, she respects her ex more than she respects you. Her ex knows what she is hiding from you.

Edited October 6, 2016 by ChatroomHero

[Alamo657]

Okay before anyone gets on their high horse I feel like a scumbag piece of sh*t for going through her messages on her phone. You don't need to tell me. I know it's not something I should have done but when I seen her phone light up whilst she was in the shower with her ex's name I couldn't help myself.

 

Now a little background. Her ex treated her like sh*t. Emotionally and physically. She's only ever spoken bad about him and she very very rarely mentions him.

 

We've been together only 10 or so months so still fairly fresh but she's definitely the type of girl I could fall in love with. So to the messages. It was nothing serious. Just menial small talk. It was mostly him initiating it but she did message him on 2 occasions starting the conversation. He's still clearly in love with her. She said in the messages she's not in love with him and that she's happy in her relationship. Yet even reading that, it doesn't sit right with me that she's messaging him behind my back. They briefly spoke about how they broke up (him having sex with another girl whilst still with her), about her uni course she's started, her friends etc.

 

Fast forward a few nights later and we're both at a concert when she spots her ex walk past who waves at her and she tells me this. In the corner of my eye I notice she's constantly looking in that direction for the rest of the show. I use this as my opportunity for her to come clean about the messages (without revealing that I was snooping, which yes, I still feel sh*tty about).

 

I said to her that he's probably going to try and message you tonight mind on Facebook, to which she replies "oh I don't have him on any social media". Which might be true but doesn't stop messages. I asked when did he last message you to which she said "like last year". Now I'm not the jealous type, I think this is all centred around her doing this behind my back and then lying about it when I gave her a chance to come clean.

 

Should I be concerned? Does she still have feelings for him trying to emotionally connect with him through text reacting to the things he was saying. I trust her to a degree but with her constantly replying to him, he'll never get the message like a little puppy dog clinging on. It's only playing on my mind because I know if it was the other way around she would be freaking. And yes once again I should never have invaded her privacy and I feel bad

 

Any advice much appreciate

 

It's always problematic to breach privacy and discover disturbing truths about someone close to you. On one hand, they are guilty or shady behavior, on the other hand, snooping doesn't shade a good light on you either.

 

Fact is, she is chatting with her ex behind your back, and you don't trust her or you wouldn't have snooped.

Going from that, you have to evaluate the quality of your relationship overall, to decide wether it's worth going on with that person.

[unbeknown]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Some really insightful stuff here. I'll be seeing her over the weekend so I'm thinking about a way to bring it up without revealing I was snooping. The fact that she lied about having any contact is the deal breaker here for me and is playing on my mind. She's told me how bad he used to treat her and how low it has made her feel so I'm baffled why she wants him clinging on replying to his messages. I know if it was the other way around she would be freaking.

 

Part of me is really annoyed with myself for actually thinking I've finally found someone who's not out to play games and that wanted to fully invest. I guess if after speaking with her I part ways (not the outcome I particularly want but willing to accept) it's better to do it before I fall for her completely.

 

Need to have a good old think about this. Thanks all.

[Space Ritual]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Some really insightful stuff here. I'll be seeing her over the weekend so I'm thinking about a way to bring it up without revealing I was snooping. The fact that she lied about having any contact is the deal breaker here for me and is playing on my mind. She's told me how bad he used to treat her and how low it has made her feel so I'm baffled why she wants him clinging on replying to his messages. I know if it was the other way around she would be freaking.

 

Part of me is really annoyed with myself for actually thinking I've finally found someone who's not out to play games and that wanted to fully invest. I guess if after speaking with her I part ways (not the outcome I particularly want but willing to accept) it's better to do it before I fall for her completely.

 

Need to have a good old think about this. Thanks all.

 

 

Just explain to her that you prefer to not be in a relationship that contains 3 people. Wish her the best of luck with her ex in the future, and turn around and walk away.

 

It is really that simple. You don't have to make any dramatic speeches since there won't be any sad piano music to accompany dropping her off at the curb.

 

One thing I've learned over the course of my life is it is better to not drag this shyte out. Make a clean break, keep it short and sweet. Then about face and out of your life.

 

Like I said before, you'll be alright.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Just explain to her that you prefer to not be in a relationship that contains 3 people. Wish her the best of luck with her ex in the future, and turn around and walk away.

 

It is really that simple. You don't have to make any dramatic speeches since there won't be any sad piano music to accompany dropping her off at the curb.

 

One thing I've learned over the course of my life is it is better to not drag this shyte out. Make a clean break, keep it short and sweet. Then about face and out of your life.

 

Like I said before, you'll be alright.

 

Agreed. AND don't be influenced by the drama that she may create. People think that if they make it dramatic enough that that will soften your stance...and it often works. Do this someplace private, of course. Less of an audience.