uhoh10 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Let me start by saying I am not having an affair with anyone. I am married and my marriage is in a terrible state. My husband has been emotionally abusive towards me for the last couple of years. He has sought help for this and is gradually getting better but I feel numb towards him now as I shut myself off emotionally once I realised through the help of a counsellor that he was being abusive. I started feeling attracted to my physio from the moment I first saw him. I saw him over a period of a few months every week to every three weeks (about 9 times in total). We would also run into each other in the gym and around town. I know that it is his job to have good beside manner and be friendly and make me feel like he cares about what is going on but we would often have quite personal conversations not related to my treatment (weekend plans, issues in past and current relationships, our interests and plans for the future) and it seemed a lot like we were chatting as friends more than patient/ doctor. These conversations often got quite flirty and I would find myself giggling through most of our sessions. I know it would be totally unprofessional for him to outright hit on me but it felt like it was getting quite close to that. Whenever I would make eye contact with him and literally feel like I was getting electric shocks through my body. I emailed him about something and he wound up saying something along the lines of you should come to where I am going on holiday (I had mentioned earlier about how **** my relationship was going and he suggested I should take some time away for myself). This obviously wasn’t an invite but the whole correspondence was very flirty nonetheless. We ended our treatment a couple of months ago and he left the company he was previously working for to travel and has now come back. I thought I could shake these feelings after I stopped seeing him but I think about him every single day and still get butterflies when I do. I feel like a crazy person because I know that our whole relationship is as patient/ doctor and it is his job to be kind and friendly to me. It is probably totally one sided and I have somehow twisted this in my own head into feeling like he could like me back. But I feel like I am going crazy and even if he did like me back 1. he is my doctor and 2. I am married and he wouldn’t say anything. Has anyone been through anything similar?
NTV Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I would think that you will never feel anything for your husband while this is being entertained. Do you not want to be married? Then divorce. Then see this guy. You want to stay married? Forget he even exists. You want to sleep with him? That will end in tragedy while you're married. You only have to read 1/10th the posts in OW to know that's the truth. But I have a feeling you will be deaf to my words. Come back later after you've messed it all up and I will help also in the right way to fix it. If it can be fixed. Maybe then ears truly open.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 First of all, your crush is not inappropriate under the circumstance. It's how you act on them that make them complicated. It sounds like you no longer love your husband. I understand that. I left my wife, divorced after realizing that I was happy w/o her. Have you thought about what it would be like w/o your husband....with him???? One thing for certain, this doctor, he's a fantasy right now while you're uncertain about where to go from here. But, if you want a new life, new relationship with someone who treats you better, you need to divorce. 1
hippychick3 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Yes, I had a huge crush on my neurologist (history of migraines) many years ago when I was married. I had a similar experience...married to a very verbally abusive and controlling man who was getting help but it was too late. I was no longer in love with my ex. There was way too much damage done, and no amount of therapy at that point could fix the marriage. We eventually divorced, and I was no longer attracted to or interested in my doctor. I was so unsatisfied in my marriage that it was easy for me to develop crushes on other men towards the end of the marriage. There was such a void that couldn't be filled by my ex. I never acted on it, and that in itself just made the crushes more intense. Just fyi...I'm in a relationship now with someone I am in love with and have not an inkling of a crush on anyone for the 3 plus years we've been together. I believe that there has to be some kind of void within one's relationship to allow that to even be a possibility.
ja123 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Has anyone been through anything similar? I have a crush on my new family doctor. But, I think he is just being nice. However, I'll ask to see a gyn for a gynie exam, as it would feel too weird for him to do it! But, I suppose I could change my mind if I wanted a little thrill. In your case, I agree with what's been already said: maybe you don't love your husband anymore, maybe you'd like to divorce and find someone better. What age group are you in? Do you have children?
Author uhoh10 Posted October 6, 2016 Author Posted October 6, 2016 NTV- "come back later after I have messed it all up" that sounds a bit rough. I would not sleep with anyone while I am still with my husband. Having an intense crush on someone does not mean I will jump straight into bed with him without first resolving what is happening in my relationship. Hippychick3 I totally get that it would be easy to develop crushes while in a situation like mine (and yours), but this is the only other person I have been attracted to since I have known my husband. But I completely agree that I would not have developed feelings if I was still really in love with my husband. I have been open with my husband about losing feelings for him but he won't accept it and keeps wanting to try and work things out. I have been honest and told him if I was in a better financial situation I would have left already, as I have been off work caring for our son. Now that I'm about to start full time work again and will be able to support myself I feel lost as to where to go. I think he understands this and is making a last-ditch attempt to keep me and avoid "breaking up our family", but I know deep down it will never last and the horrible man he can be will come out again eventually. I have had so much of my confidence and independence crushed that it's really not as easy for me as "if your not happy then leave". Ja123 I am 26 and have a 1 year old son with my husband. Anyway, a mutual friend told me my physio has been back in town for a week or so now and I haven't heard a thing from him so thats a pretty solid sign the feelings aren't mutual.
hippychick3 Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 Your dilemma is not with the physio. Your dilemma is that you're in an unhappy marriage, and this crush you have is a symptom of that. You need to deal with the problem, not the symptom. Otherwise you will create an even bigger problem. 2
ja123 Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 I have been honest and told him if I was in a better financial situation I would have left already, as I have been off work caring for our son. Now that I'm about to start full time work again and will be able to support myself I feel lost as to where to go. I think he understands this and is making a last-ditch attempt to keep me and avoid "breaking up our family", but I know deep down it will never last and the horrible man he can be will come out again eventually. I have had so much of my confidence and independence crushed that it's really not as easy for me as "if your not happy then leave". OP, it sounds like you have your answer. Now you need to put a game plan in place. Perhaps you could consult with a counsellor who could direct you to resources: lawyer (or legal aid), aid for single moms (tax breaks or supplements, support groups etc.), affordable housing, etc. I've been through an emotionally abusive relationship. It's not worth it. We're rooting for you...
charliegirl816 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 What you experienced is called an “emotional affair” and I’ve been in a similar situation. From what you shared your husband has sought help for his behavior and has improved, which sounds like he wants the marriage to work. Emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse. Starving for affection is not uncommon. Finding a new (female) counselor can help you process your feeling about your husband and dealing with the emotional affair. Until you’re ready to let go of the feelings you have for this person it will be very difficult to starting the healing of your feeling for your husband and marriage. Love is a choice, and I fell back in love with my husband. He wasn't perfect, but he was trying to do better and I saw his heart again. Marriage is tough and takes work, so isn't it worth another try?
Popsicle Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 It's not all that uncommon to develop a crush, let alone one on your doctor, but this does open a door, I feel, and let me share a story with you. One of my best friends who is married developed a crush on her pastor. We talked about it frequently. I knew she wasn't happy in her marriage but I saw it as a harmless thing. She would think that he was reciprocating her crush but he never really did anything concrete to prove that and he always remained sort of a distant authority figure, so it was just her interpretation. After some time of her enjoying and feeling free to have a crush on another man other than her husband without checking herself, she soon began to have a crush on another regular member of the church (also married) and they became friends and talked a lot. She saw this as harmless because they were "just friends", but I saw this as a problem - it WAS an emotional affair. I didn't say anything at first but it wasn't long before it became a full-blown affair, and I attribute her comfort with having that first crush with whom she wanted it to grow into something more, but didn't, as the contributing factor. Of course, it all ended in heartbreak and shame (these things always end that way) but I think it would have never happened if she had nipped it in the bud from the start.
charliegirl816 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 What you experienced is called an “emotional affair” and I’ve been in a similar situation. From what you shared your husband has sought help for his behavior and has improved, which sounds like he wants the marriage to work. Emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse. Starving for affection is not uncommon. Finding a new (female) counselor can help you process your feeling about your husband and dealing with the emotional affair. Until you’re ready to let go of the feelings you have for this person it will be very difficult to start the healing of your feeling for your husband and marriage.*
smackie9 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 When you are starving anything looks good on the menu. You have been starving for emotional/intellectual stimulation/affection/attention for so long, the min you meet someone that gives you that, you are swooning out of control. It's false attraction. The dopamine is being released in your brain like getting your first hit of heroin. That's why you can't shake it off...because of the high you were getting from the interaction with him. If you do divorce you are best to give yourself time to adjust, heal, and be yourself again. If you jump at this guy you will rebound off him like a rocket. 1
Author uhoh10 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 This all makes sense, and to an extent I was aware that most of what I was feeling was more a reflection of how bad my marriage was. I did run into him at the gym a week or so back and talked about his trip and his plans for the future. Still plenty of "spark" there but I will back off until I have sorted myself out.
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