I want to invite him home for Thanksgiving. Should I?

[MTGirl93]

So there is this guy I work/go to school with that I have feelings for. The feelings are mutual but he recently went through a breakup so isn't ready to date yet. Which I completely understand..

 

We both live kinda far from our home state. He lives farther than I do. He's not going home for Thanksgiving because of distance. I am and I kinda want to invite him. But as just a friend right now. Although who know's, maybe it'll help bring us together more.

 

My question is, would it be weird to ask him if he wants to go with me? Or am I just overthinking this? Help! I think it would be really good for the both of us. I would have someone to talk to while driving (it's a 9 hour drive) and he wouldn't be stuck in a small town with no family or friends for the holiday.

 

P.S. We are both from very southern families and I know my family would be very welcoming and open to him. This would be a FRIENDS only kinda deal. I just hate seeing him stuck here in town with nothing to do and nobody to hang out with. With him going through a recent breakup (3 or 4 months ago) I do understand how he feels right now. Even if things never get past friendship with us, he is still like a brother to me and a fantastic friend.

[rester]

I think it would be a nice gesture and it can't hurt to ask but I would keep your expectations low and don't take it personally if he doesn't want to go. Nine hours in a car each way is a very long drive and he may very well prefer to spend the holiday alone regardless of his feelings for you.

[angel.eyes]

So there is this guy I work/go to school with that I have feelings for. The feelings are mutual but he recently went through a breakup so isn't ready to date yet. Which I completely understand..

 

We both live kinda far from our home state. He lives farther than I do. He's not going home for Thanksgiving because of distance. I am and I kinda want to invite him. But as just a friend right now. Although who know's, maybe it'll help bring us together more.

 

My question is, would it be weird to ask him if he wants to go with me? Or am I just overthinking this? Help! I think it would be really good for the both of us. I would have someone to talk to while driving (it's a 9 hour drive) and he wouldn't be stuck in a small town with no family or friends for the holiday.

 

P.S. We are both from very southern families and I know my family would be very welcoming and open to him. This would be a FRIENDS only kinda deal. I just hate seeing him stuck here in town with nothing to do and nobody to hang out with. With him going through a recent breakup (3 or 4 months ago) I do understand how he feels right now. Even if things never get past friendship with us, he is still like a brother to me and a fantastic friend.

 

So you have feelings for your brother??? Really?!? Your first sentence contradicts the last.

 

Be honest! He's not just a friend as far as you're concerned, or rather you don't want him to be just a friend, which is why you want to whisk him home while he's vulnerable.

 

That's fine, but understand that he's reeling from a breakup and alone at the holidays. Sure, he may hook up with you. It may even turn into a rebound. But the person who gets hurt will be you. It's you hoping to get something going. All he probably wants right now is his ex. You'll be a welcome distraction from the void and the hurt, but that's about all you will be right now. It's not going anywhere while he deals with his breakup.

 

Does he have other friends besides you? Some of them must be closer than the nine-hour...well actually 18-hour drive roundtrip...you're proposing, I would think.

[MTGirl93]

So you have feelings for your brother??? Really?!? Your first sentence contradicts the last.

 

Be honest! He's not just a friend as far as you're concerned, or rather you don't want him to be just a friend, which is why you want to whisk him home while he's vulnerable.

 

That's fine, but understand that he's reeling from a breakup and alone at the holidays. Sure, he may hook up with you. It may even turn into a rebound. But the person who gets hurt will be you. It's you hoping to get something going. All he probably wants right now is his ex. You'll be a welcome distraction from the void and the hurt, but that's about all you will be right now. It's not going anywhere while he deals with his breakup.

 

Does he have other friends besides you? Some of them must be closer than the nine-hour...well actually 18-hour drive roundtrip...you're proposing, I would think.

 

 

Ok. I am from the pacific northwest (transplant from the south) and he is from the south. We both moved up here for a seasonal job and decided to stay. Pretty much everyone we worked with has left and gone home to different states. So no, the both of us don't really have friends yet other than each other.

 

#2: I never said I was in "in love with my brother". I said he is like a brother to me. We are super close and can tell each other anything and everything, we hang out and keep in contact constantly. I guess what I meant was, if a relationship never happens between us, we are still really good friends and I want to keep it that way.

 

#3: Yes, I would be incredibly happy if things progressed between us. It would be great! We are super compatible. Even our coworkers say we are attached at the hip and always try to get us together when we are out together. Him and I are both supers shy so it gets weird sometimes. But we both embrace that and stand up for each other in those situations.

 

#4: I can tell you one thing, there would most likely be no "hooking up". For 1, we would be staying at my extremely conservative grandparents house and for 2, we are both Southern Baptist and are not planning on hooking up with anyone if we are not in a serious relationship or married.

 

#5: He has never seen the PNW and I was thinking a roadtrip with an awesome friend, and a stop at my college for a rival football game would be a lot of fun.

 

 

Just wanted to clear things up! Thanks for the help.

Edited October 5, 2016 by MTGirl93
Needed to add detail

[smackie9]

It's just dinner, not a life commitment.....he is just going to look at it as a friendly gesture. No one wants to be alone during the holidays so a home cooked meal will be welcomed I'm sure.

[MTGirl93]

It's just dinner, not a life commitment.....he is just going to look at it as a friendly gesture. No one wants to be alone during the holidays so a home cooked meal will be welcomed I'm sure.

 

 

And that is exactly what I want it to be. Some people I have asked have told me I am crazy. I am totally willing to pay for gas there and drive the entire way. If he wants to help, great! But I am not expecting it. We both come from the same background so I know he'll probably have a great time! Just was a bit shy about asking him.

[angel.eyes]

He's like a brother to you? Yet, you've put all this thought into the details of an invite that's two months away?

 

At least you admit that you hope something develops.

 

Who are these people who keep trying to push you together? They're taking a personal interest in his life. Are they closer than your 18-hour ride...That has now morphed to include side trips down memory lane to your college, etc.? So he's on the road for more than 18 hours?

 

You mentioned that your family (and you?) are conservative southern Baptists. No one at your local church in the Pacific Northwest will offer to have him over for a meal.

 

Be honest about what this is. You're hoping this road trip moves things along on the romantic front. And yes my advice still stands. I'm predicting you'll be the one hurt if you take this route.

[angel.eyes]

It's just dinner, not a life commitment.....he is just going to look at it as a friendly gesture. No one wants to be alone during the holidays so a home cooked meal will be welcomed I'm sure.

 

With an eighteen-hour road trip to the opposite end of the country interspersed in there...oh, and now a side trip to show him her college and a football game...since they're on the road for so long anyway.

[MTGirl93]

He's like a brother to you? Yet, you've put all this thought into the details of an invite that's two months away?

 

At least you admit that you hope something develops.

 

Who are these people who keep trying to push you together? If they're taking a personal interest in his life? Are they closer than your 18-hour ride...That has now morphed to include side trips down memory lane to your college, etc.? So he's on the road for more than 18 hours? Plus my college is actually on the road home. So I wouldn't be going out of the way for the game. Drive halfway from MT to School, stay for game and then drive the rest of the way home.

 

You mentioned that your family (and you?) are conservative southern Baptists. No one at your local church in the Pacific Northwest will offer to have him over for a meal.

 

Be honest about what this is. You're hoping this road trip moves things along on the romantic front. And yes my advice still stands. I'm predicting you'll be the one hurt if you take this route.

 

 

 

I'm a writer. I type stuff out, just the way I am sometimes.

 

My grandparents are the conservative ones. Me? Not as much but I still know where I stand on certain topics, and him and I share the same views. Like hooking up before a serious relationships and that sort of thing. My church would be incredibly welcoming to him, I would bring friends (guys and gals) home all the time in college. They would welcome them in like family and it's always been a great time. Also, my grandparents and parents have both given me permission to bring him home.

 

The side trip to college is for a rivalry game that I never miss and never will for the rest of my life if I can help it. He played football through college and high school and has been planning on going to one of there games. So I thought why not? It's the best game of the season and just so happens to land on the day before I am planning to drive home.

 

The folks that we work with who try to push us together actually live pretty far, they are coworkers. We work a seasonal job together and both him and I decided to stay here and everyone else went home at the end of the season. I live in Washington, one lives in Vermont, and the other lives in Arizona. We are currently in Western Montana. So really, I am the closest. They see the feelings between us but know that the both us us are really shy and quiet.

 

I guess I should also add that we have gone out together a few times. Dinner, movie, hiking, and the like. It's usually always been his idea. So it's not like I'm always the one wanting to hang out.

 

Once again, thanks for your help. Just wanted to answer your questions. Even if I do type and put a lot of detail into them. Just the way I am. I like to write and put my thoughts down on paper.

Edited October 5, 2016 by MTGirl93
Details

[kendahke]

How recent was his break up?

[MTGirl93]

How recent was his break up?

 

 

Not really sure. It was a long distance relationship and it had been going downhill for a while I think. He is fairly quiet and dosn't talk about his personal life much until he gets to know you and is comfortable. It was a long term relationship though, 3 years or so. I found out he was officially single about a month ago. Told him how I felt about him a week or so ago and he said there were mutual feelings but he wasn't ready to date yet... So as far as how recently the breakup was, a month or two ago. But it was a breakup from a longer term relationship.

[MTGirl93]

With an eighteen-hour road trip to the opposite end of the country interspersed in there...oh, and now a side trip to show him her college and a football game...since they're on the road for so long anyway.

 

 

9 hours one way isn't really a long drive considering the size of Montana. It's a 24 hour drive one way back home for him. Also, my college is the halfway point between home an where I currently live, so not out of the way. Also, not a road trip to the opposite end of the country. It's a state over.

Edited October 5, 2016 by MTGirl93

[angel.eyes]

The additional detail helps. I see why you might be the one to ask now.

 

Here's the issue: you'll have expectations and you're going to be emotionally invested. It's very easy to say intellectually, I'm okay with just being friends after, but that's not where your heart will be.

 

He's told you he's not ready emotionally. When a guy tells you something like that, you really should listen. Making excuses that he's shy, etc. and essentially blowing off the warning he gave you will generally come back to bite you.

 

Anyway, as long as you're okay with a broken heart, should this turn into a rebound or whatever, go for it.

[JewelD]

I think it's a bad idea. Regardless of what this guy has said and what his reasons are as far as not being emotionally ready, he is clearly not as into you as you are into him. If he's not ready to go on a date with you, why would he want to spend Thanksgiving with your family 9 hours away? And 9 hours is a very long time to be on the road to go to somebody else's house to visit their family who you don't actually know.

 

Personally, there's very few people on this planet I would ever want to spend 9 hours in a car with. And it would never be someone who I was not ready to date at that moment. And generally when you bring people home for holidays they are close friends or partners. If you bring someone of the opposite sex home there's a good chance your family is going to think there is something between you two and possibly treat him as such. Which would make him uncomfortable because there is nothing between you two at this point.

 

This is essentially you asking him on a very long date after he has already said he's not ready to date you. He already knows you like him, just stop and leave the ball in his court.

[SammySammy]

Reminds me of the first Thanksgiving after I divorced.

 

The place I worked at needed to be staffed 24/7. I no longer had a family, didn't feel like being around my extended family, so I agreed to work Thanksgiving alone so that the other people in the office could be off.

 

All of the women in the office brought me Thanksgiving dinner. I had so much food that I didn't know what to do with it.

 

I think it's a thoughtful gesture to offer to someone who may not be able to spend the holidays with their family.

 

Just don't expect anything to come from it. He may not want to make that ride, may not want to impose on your family, may have other plans and may not be interested in you afterwards. Don't be offended by that.

 

But, it's nice to offer.

 

Just my opinion.

[MTGirl93]

Thank you everyone for the help.

 

I guess I should also add that our work has us going on long roadtrips quite frequently. Somehow it always ends up to be him and I driving alone. So we've survived 15 hour days in a truck together and didn't kill each other lol. Actually had a really good time. Had some good talks and listened to some awesome podcasts.

 

Anywho. He knows that I am going to be in his area of the country next March and did say I could hang out a few extra days, stay with his parents, and we'd adventure. So that is kinda what I wanted this to end up as. Yes, I do have feelings towards him. But seriously, that isn't what this invite was about. It was about a friend who is going to be alone, and I hate seeing anyone I care about be alone for a holiday.

 

So, I am going to just mention it to him and see what he says. If he says no, so be it. I'm not really afraid of becoming a "rebound", he isn't that type whatsoever. This past girlfriend of his was his first and longest relationship. He's careful and respectful. But it is what it is. I will give it time. Bring up the roadtrip and see what he says. That's all I will do.

 

He's already met my dad and I have met his parents and they know all about us and that we are just friends right now. It's the the grandparents I have to worry about lol (not really, just not allowed to date till I'm 40)

 

But once again, thanks all for your help... We shall see how this turns out.

[JewelD]

If everything between you and him is peachy keen and you've got an answer for everything anyone mentions, why are you asking if it would be weird to ask your friend to come over for Thanksgiving dinner on a love forum?

 

Does your family also know that you professed your feelings to him and he basically shut you down? They might be able to give you some sound advice as to whether it's a good idea to bring him home for dinner.

[MTGirl93]

If everything between you and him is peachy keen and you've got an answer for everything anyone mentions, why are you asking if it would be weird to ask your friend to come over for Thanksgiving dinner on a love forum?

 

Does your family also know that you professed your feelings to him and he basically shut you down? They might be able to give you some sound advice as to whether it's a good idea to bring him home for dinner.

 

 

So he didn't "basically" shut me down. A lot of our conversation when I told him was that yes, he does like me back. But he is going through some weird things right now and isn't ready for anything serious. But said that we would stay close and when the time was right, then we could talk about it. I really do understand where he is coming from though. His last relationship wasn't a good one and she treated him terribly. I know this because he often talked to the guys that we work with and they told me some of what happened... So as of right now, we are a little more than good friends I would say. Although not friends with benefits because neither of us think that is a fair way to do things.

 

Yes, my family does know that I have told him. My dad has met him, my dad is also very protective and strict over who I date. He told me that he likes this guy and would be ok if I did date him further down the road. My family is also ok with him coming to dinner. Actually, when he met my dad, my dad said that he should come hang out and hunt with him sometime.

 

I don't know why I asked here. I just thought that maybe someone would have some advice that would help, and folks have had advice that helps. I'm trying to figure this out so that it can be a "friends" trip. Heck, if anything, I just want to show him my part of the country and somwere he has never been.

[angel.eyes]

I don't know why I asked here. I just thought that maybe someone would have some advice that would help, and folks have had advice that helps.

So basically you were expecting to have people cheer you on rather than point out the potential issues with your course of action? Their opinions and advice were verboten...as that's "not helpful."

 

Okay. I'm out.

[rester]

I responded earlier a lot more positively but now that I've read some responses as well as your other thread, my opinion is that you're expecting too much from him and you are selling yourself short. You want more than a friendship, but he's fresh out of a long-term relationship and just likes your attention and the companionship. This might develop into something later on but it usually doesn't work like that. It's cliche but this is classic "friendzone".

 

You also work together and end up on long work trips together. In that situation, most people would consider their work partner completely off limits. I think it's best to find someone more available and let any hope of getting together with this guy go. You are playing with fire here.

[MTGirl93]

Guess the thing is that I'm not really ready for a serious relationship right now either and would be willing to give this time because we all see a future in it.

 

Funny story, our bosses are ok with us dating. One of then even said he had hoped we liked each other because he could see it. The night I told him I liked him we both talked about the work thing. We both decided that were the type of people who work out conflict and wouldn't let it come between us and work.

 

I'm still going to mention it to him and just see what he says.

 

I'm out as well... Thanks for the help.

[MTGirl93]

So basically you were expecting to have people cheer you on rather than point out the potential issues with your course of action? Their opinions and advice were verboten...as that's "not helpful."

 

Okay. I'm out.

 

 

No, not at all. There were folks who posted on this thread that helped me. Also made me think about some different things in our relationship.

 

I'm out as well. Have a good night.

[JewelD]

So he didn't "basically" shut me down. A lot of our conversation when I told him was that yes, he does like me back. But he is going through some weird things right now and isn't ready for anything serious. But said that we would stay close and when the time was right, then we could talk about it. I really do understand where he is coming from though. His last relationship wasn't a good one and she treated him terribly. I know this because he often talked to the guys that we work with and they told me some of what happened... So as of right now, we are a little more than good friends I would say. Although not friends with benefits because neither of us think that is a fair way to do things.

 

Yes, my family does know that I have told him. My dad has met him, my dad is also very protective and strict over who I date. He told me that he likes this guy and would be ok if I did date him further down the road. My family is also ok with him coming to dinner. Actually, when he met my dad, my dad said that he should come hang out and hunt with him sometime.

 

I don't know why I asked here. I just thought that maybe someone would have some advice that would help, and folks have had advice that helps. I'm trying to figure this out so that it can be a "friends" trip. Heck, if anything, I just want to show him my part of the country and somwere he has never been.

 

He let you down easy but that is a pretty clear shut down. If he liked you enough, you would be dating right now. Or at least having some type of sexual contact but he doesn't want to do that either.

 

According to you, everybody wants you two to be dating except for him. He is a key point in this situation. It's very strange to try to treat him like a platonic friend when you are aware you have feelings for him and you made him aware of this fact as well. It's going to be weird. Especially if he decides to date someone else instead of you.

 

But you should totally ask and see how it goes. Although that would be good time spent reading a good book or bingewatching a Netflix show or even planting a tree.

[MTGirl93]

He let you down easy but that is a pretty clear shut down. If he liked you enough, you would be dating right now. Or at least having some type of sexual contact but he doesn't want to do that either.

 

According to you, everybody wants you two to be dating except for him. He is a key point in this situation. It's very strange to try to treat him like a platonic friend when you are aware you have feelings for him and you made him aware of this fact as well. It's going to be weird. Especially if he decides to date someone else instead of you.

 

But you should totally ask and see how it goes. Although that would be good time spent reading a good book or bingewatching a Netflix show or even planting a tree.

 

 

 

As I said earlier. Neither of us believe in sexual contact (minus kissing/hugging/the like) unless it's a super serious relationship or we are married. I'm not even going to open that can of worms because that tends to get dirty.

 

When I told him how I felt, he said he had thought I liked him but was nervous about bringing up his feelings in case I didn't. Which I totally get that. If it wasn't for some pressure from a friend of mine, I probably wouldn't have told him. Actually telling him helped our relationship greatly. He became more open to me and we got along a whole lot better.

 

But like I said before, I'm out for now. We have a lunch/football date on Friday. So I will casually mention it then.