unexpectedlyhere Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 My ex and I were together for 6 years in our very early twenties, and broke up in 2013. At the time we agreed we needed to be completely out of each other's lives in order to move on (especially on my part, as he was the one who initiated the breakup). I have always wished to eventually, when we had moved on, resume low-key friendly contact, maybe bumping into each other at a party and catching up. However, such occasion never arose, and when I felt like I had moved on enough to consider resuming contact, I got the feeling from friends in common that he wasn't in the same place. We're now a good two years down the line from that moment, and as the only indication I had of his feelings (deleting me from FB) pointed towards him not being interested in contact, I never felt in this time that it was appropriate to send a slightly random "Hey how are you" type message. I have friends who have gotten in touch with exes over big life events - generally bereavements - and I have the feeling that if my ex and I were ever to be in touch again it would be a similar thing. He is turning 30 and getting married in the next few months, and I thought it would be an opportunity for the life events that may bring us back in touch to be happy ones and not a sorrowful one. In case my wishes are unwelcome, I am planning on sending them with a bit of a delay on the actual events. I also think writing well after he is married makes it clear that my intentions are to congratulate and open a door should he wish to pursue contact, rather than to mess with his head or meddle in his business. I only ever plan to make one attempt at rekindling contact, as I would respect the wishes that a lack of reply to it would indicate. So I want to make sure that what I do is clear in intention, and as considerate of the both of us as possible. I'm looking for thoughts, stories and responses that may help with that! I'm fully expecting there'll be a variety of responses, so I'm really curious! What would you feel if an ex got back in touch after years of silence? What would allay any doubts that there were ulterior motives to contact you? Have you ever contacted an ex again? How did it go? 1
angel.eyes Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 He'll be newly married. You're no longer part of his social circle. Not sure what you hope to get out of this. You have your own friends after three years, right? If not, there are 7 billion other people out there to befriend. Move on and let this go. 6
Marco Valerio Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 My best advice, let it be! What's the point for it? - To feel good about yourself? - To have fake chit-chats from time to time? - To tell yourself you're on good terms? You're part of each other's past, keep it that way! 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 He dumped you two years ago and is now getting married to another woman. Why in the world would you want to reach out to him? What good can come of that and for what? Let him be, keep going on your path there is no "best way to reach out to him" What I feel when an ex reaches out to me years after we have broken up is: A) what does he want from me now? B) is he still not over me after all this time? Don't do you it. Leave him be. 3
Satu Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 This lyric came to mind when I read your post: Kindred spirits moving along the spiral I can see you up on another level It's too great a fall And I can't reach you to pull me higher But I don't seem to get much closer or any more far What would you tell me, if I could hear you speaking? If you could touch me, how would I know the feeling? I just can't imagine But I try to do it anyway I wish I was moving faster, I wish you'd drift back But it just wasn't meant to happen Very soon I'll have to Face the fact Some things never come together Parallel lines running on forever And you can't turn back There is never any starting over Parallel lines never do cross over It's a challenge Gotta make myself remember Facing the truth, well, that doesn't mean surrender What is bravado and how much is a force of will? I know that the world is full of opposites that attract But unless we ignore the physics Very soon we'll have to So I send you the gift of empathy If you'd once in your life acknowledge me I have visualized so thoroughly That when I think of me I think of we Can't face the truth It means that we must surrender Understanding won't satisfy the hunger It whittles away at the destiny we fulfill And like an animal running wild You can't call it back And it's just gonna make it harder When it's finally time to It's like a train that's stuck running on a track Parallel lines running on, running on, running on - Todd Rundgren
DrReplyInRhymes Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Do it, send the letter, you have no idea, What's the alternative? Succumbing to fear? What's the worst that could happen? He doesn't respond to you? So you'll end up where you started, except with an answer or two!
Author unexpectedlyhere Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 Thanks for the replies! As most of you asked: my reason to reach out would be to see whether we can be on good terms - in the same way as I am in more or less occasional contact with all my other exes. He is a part of my past like are many other people I occasionally still think of with fondness, despite us not being in each other's lives anymore for whatever gazillion reasons. Sometimes when I think of them I contact them and we catch up about each other's lives. I'd love to be able to do that with him if we ever reached that point, but I'm well aware we may never. I guess the time isn't right for me to write to him because if/when it is I'll do it without needing to seek other opinions, I'd just do it because it felt right.
angel.eyes Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Are you in a relationship? How much dating have you done since the breakup?
ChickiePops Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 How would you feel if you got married and your brand new husband got an email from his ex of 6 years? 3
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 But to be on good terms for what? What is your need right now to be on good terms with someone who hasn't been in your life anymore for years? I still don't see what the point is. Do you really even know what the point is? 1
mikeylo Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 He has moved on. You too should. To me, it seems like you want to become a wedge between him and his new wife , under the guise of friends.
hippychick3 Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 It is totally inappropriate for you to reach out to him right now. Leave him alone and move on with your life.
compulsivedancer Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 No letter, too intense. Send him a friend request on Facebook and see if he responds. If you want, add a personal message like, "Hey, just curious where life has taken you."
hippychick3 Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 No letter, too intense. Send him a friend request on Facebook and see if he responds. If you want, add a personal message like, "Hey, just curious where life has taken you." How do you think his fiancé will feel about that? 1
compulsivedancer Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 How do you think his fiancé will feel about that? Depends on the fiancé. I have exes on my Facebook. If I was contacted by an ex after several years, I would bring it up with my boyfriend and get his opinion before accepting the request. If I wasn't interested in talking to her, or if my boyfriend wasn't comfortable with it, I'd send her a message back that basically said, "Hey, I understand the impulse to reconnect, but I'm pretty happy with where I'm at, and I'm not really wanting to rehash things or be friends." But if I just got some letter from an ex, it would probably be too intense and rather weird. I probably wouldn't answer it, so it wouldn't make him feel any better and might actually lead to more awkward interactions. Probably the best thing is not to contact him, but if she feels compelled to do it, I'd be as casual about it as possible and not force some intense interaction.
hippychick3 Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 Depends on the fiancé. I have exes on my Facebook. If I was contacted by an ex after several years, I would bring it up with my boyfriend and get his opinion before accepting the request. If I wasn't interested in talking to her, or if my boyfriend wasn't comfortable with it, I'd send her a message back that basically said, "Hey, I understand the impulse to reconnect, but I'm pretty happy with where I'm at, and I'm not really wanting to rehash things or be friends." But if I just got some letter from an ex, it would probably be too intense and rather weird. I probably wouldn't answer it, so it wouldn't make him feel any better and might actually lead to more awkward interactions. Probably the best thing is not to contact him, but if she feels compelled to do it, I'd be as casual about it as possible and not force some intense interaction. I would say there is a zero chance any fiance would be cool with her new hubby to be rekindling any type of relationship albeit a friendship with an old girflriend. 2
compulsivedancer Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 I think zero chance is overstating. And being Facebook friends is totally different than being real friends.
hippychick3 Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 I think zero chance is overstating. And being Facebook friends is totally different than being real friends. Close to zero.... Nothing good will come out of trying to start a friendship with an ex who has moved on and gotten engaged to someone else. 2
vanhalenfan Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 (edited) No, don't go there. Out of respect for his new marriage and wife...It would be one thing to just accidently run into each other and have a quick hello and how are you in person, but don't actively seek him out via messaging or a phone call. I really don't think it's a good idea, even if your intentions are good. Someone else here pretty much summed it up: How would you feel if you were a newlywed and an ex emailed your husband out of the blue after 6 years? No good. Move on. Edited October 6, 2016 by vanhalenfan
Toodaloo Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 If it ended on good terms then no problem. A couple of months ago an old flame got in touch via facebook and it was great! Difference is that when we split up it was because I had encouraged him to move half way across the world to be with a woman he clearly loved very much. There were no hard feelings, no resentment etc on either side. Yes I was sad to see him go but I was happy that he was going to make a dream come true and was going to find his contentment. It just wasn't going to work out between us and he really did love her very much. They have made beautiful babies by the way. I was happy to let him go and while we were sad to break up we knew it was so we could both go on to something better for each of us. It doesn't sound as though this one ended like that for you. Just let it go. Sometimes you loose and this is sadly one of those times. Keep your happy memories and move on.
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 Close to zero.... Nothing good will come out of trying to start a friendship with an ex who has moved on and gotten engaged to someone else. I agree! Plus, not to mention all the misunderstandings that happen over Facebook and having exs as contacts on there, especially if you add them after the fact of getting together with someone new. PLUS when he posts his wedding pics and kissing pics with his new woman, do you really want to be the lost puppy still milling about looking at all those photos like the third wheel who can't take a hint it's over he's moved on? Don't friend request him on Facebook that wreaks of desperation. If you must send him that email do that, but I would strongly recommend you don't do that either. There is absolutely no reason to be in each other's life anymore. None. I just don't get it...After all this time you should be strong and moved on with your life as to not be looking backwards but towards your future.
ChickiePops Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 I think zero chance is overstating. And being Facebook friends is totally different than being real friends. This is how affairs begin. It's totally harmless...until it isn't. Affairs can e emotional. They can be conducted entirely online. I'm not saying the OP would have an affair with the ex..but boundaries are important and they're there for a reason. Let it go OP. 2
Recommended Posts