joyful Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 First off, I think I have an ongoing problem with personal boundaries. I come from a large family, became a single parent at a young age, and survived domestic violence in an early relationship. I am proud that I have attained a high level of personal accomplishment and live a successful and happy life for the most part. But I am attracted to passionate people who go after what they want, and this sometimes feels like they treat other people's boundaries like negotiations. This has come up in my last two relationships and sometimes even when dating. Now I find that I'm having a hard time knowing when I am being treated fairly or when I am being emotionally bullied. So this is my question: how can you tell the difference?
Toodaloo Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 how can you tell the difference? Are you being reasonable? No really. Ask yourself if in the other persons shoes would you see your actions as being reasonable? There in, is your answer. Boundaries and boundaries they are not open to negotiation for someone with your history. 2
Miss Peach Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I found Natalie Lue's blog and podcasts very helpful. She writes a lot about boundaries and calls them 'your personal electric fence' concerning what YOU feel comfortable with. Yours may not be the same as someone else's. She has examples of them too. I used to be too much of a people pleaser so I found it really helpful. 2
GemmaUK Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 There's nothing wrong with passionate people - they have lots of passions if they are healthy people and they won't have you as their only passion. If they do you will end up smothered and probably controlled, emotionally abused... Do you have any examples of situations or a situation you may be in now? It will help with replies. 1
Author joyful Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 There's nothing wrong with passionate people - they have lots of passions if they are healthy people and they won't have you as their only passion. If they do you will end up smothered and probably controlled, emotionally abused... Do you have any examples of situations or a situation you may be in now? It will help with replies. Thanks for your response. I mean things like not being able to set the pace of dating because the other person acts like you don't like them enough if you want to see them less than they want to see you. Or the other person wanting to talk first thing in the morning and I have to get my kid out and prefer to have a bit of time to myself in the morning. And being told things like "Fine. Well you know where to find me." Or being told how the other person has been there for me and now I am not being as present or supportive if I am not immediately available. These things make me feel bullied because the person uses guilt and shunning to get their way. But at the same time I can't help but wonder if I am not giving/available enough.
katiegrl Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Thanks for your response. I mean things like not being able to set the pace of dating because the other person acts like you don't like them enough if you want to see them less than they want to see you. Or the other person wanting to talk first thing in the morning and I have to get my kid out and prefer to have a bit of time to myself in the morning. And being told things like "Fine. Well you know where to find me." Or being told how the other person has been there for me and now I am not being as present or supportive if I am not immediately available. These things make me feel bullied because the person uses guilt and shunning to get their way. But at the same time I can't help but wonder if I am not giving/available enough. joyful, confirming that this is emotional manipulation (or as you said bullying). You don't need to set boundaries with men (people) like this.... you need to WALK AWAY, immediately and don't look back. 5
aj2124 Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 I know that it can be really hard to get a clear understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like after you have experienced abuse. I think the Boundaries book would be perfect for your situation: Boundaries Books - Official Site for the Bestselling Boundaries Books There is also a Boundaries in Dating book on the same site. It speaks to the questions and concerns you brought up. Hope you find this helpful! 1
MsJayne Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 Sounds like you may be getting passionate confused with overbearing and needy. Any person who expects you to give more than you feel comfortable giving is an emotional and spiritual drain, and if you find yourself getting anxious because you're not meeting someone else's expectations that's how you know you're being emotionally bullied. You said it yourself, they use shunning and guilt-tripping you to get their way, and yes, that is a form of bullying, though from their point of view it's not done with the aim of bullying, it's just a childish reaction to not being your first priority. 2
basil67 Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 In a relationship, we have boundaries and preferences. Preferences can be negotiated. But by definition, boundaries are not open to negotiation. Boundaries fall into the 'It's my way or the highway" category. You need to figure out which of your boundaries are important enough for you to swiftly end the relationship over and which ones are actually preferences. The fact that someone else may not understand your boundary does not make it invalid for you. For instance, one of my boundaries is that I will not be yelled at or cussed at. Someone who has had this in previous relationships may think it's a stupid boundary. But it's my boundary. Cross that and you're gone. 2
Arieswoman Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 Joyful #5 I mean things like not being able to set the pace of dating because the other person acts like you don't like them enough if you want to see them less than they want to see you. Or the other person wanting to talk first thing in the morning and I have to get my kid out and prefer to have a bit of time to myself in the morning. And being told things like "Fine. Well you know where to find me." Or being told how the other person has been there for me and now I am not being as present or supportive if I am not immediately available. These things make me feel bullied because the person uses guilt and shunning to get their way. But at the same time I can't help but wonder if I am not giving/available enough. No 1 example shows that you aren't on the same page and you are being emotionally blackmailed to move things faster than you want to. Dump 'em. No 2 example shows they are just plain selfish and demanding. Dump 'em. No 3 example shows they are trying to guilt-trip you into doing what they want. Dump 'em. Hope that helps x 1
Author joyful Posted October 6, 2016 Author Posted October 6, 2016 I am sad to admit that I struggle trying to figure out exactly what I want and what will make me happy. Since I am a single parent, it is natural for me to sacrifice on behalf of another person. It is not hard to put myself second or third or wherever. And all dating feels like an exploration where I am figuring out what I like. I don't lead with knowing that I want. It's not uncommon for the other person to get ahead of me emotionally and sometimes sexually. For example, I dated someone who was into SM, which I have never ever been into, and I was willing to see what it was about to make him happy. And it ended up being a harmful experience for me, which I could never explain in the face of his rationalizations for why it was pleasurable. I ended up feeling like a prude for putting an end to it. I was recently dating two guys, just talking on the phone, expressing interest, and a handful of dates. One felt kind of lukewarm, and the other felt passionate and into me. So, of course, I decided to go with the "passionate" one and already after a few weeks he is the one that this post is about. I really appreciate the book suggestions on boundaries because I never know if boundaries are about what is right by some general standard or what is just right for me.
Toodaloo Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 Google Natalie Lue. She has written some good books. The guys you talk about neither seem a good match for you at all. get rid of both and start from scratch. Also take time out to discover who you are. Finding yourself doesn't come from dating. It comes from you. Dating is about going and meeting new people. Finding yourself is a journey you take on your own.
Miss Peach Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 I am sad to admit that I struggle trying to figure out exactly what I want and what will make me happy. Since I am a single parent, it is natural for me to sacrifice on behalf of another person. It is not hard to put myself second or third or wherever. I can relate as I felt like that coming out of my divorce. You need to make yourself and your kid happy first. You shouldn't be going out there to make a guy like you. You need to go out there to find the best match for you two who will seamlessly fit into your life.
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