Should I end it? Feeling completely lost

[jacktorranc]

Hello everyone, and thank you for those who will take some time to read this.

 

At first I thought that I wasn't going to write it, because the story is long, complicated, and biased since im the one telling it. But I am so confused that I need some external input.

 

Basically, I don't know if I should breakup with my girlfriend.

 

Where to start.. I met my girlfriend while studying abroad in the united states, I am a 29 and she is 22. We met about 2.5 years ago. Since we live nearby back home (2 hours, but in 2 different countries), we continued seeing each other after coming back, first it was more a casual relationship for about 6 months, before it became more serious. The moment when it became serious isn’t really well defined though. During the first year of the relationship we lived in 2 different cities and I had no idea whereas we were ever going to be serious or not. It was all very blurry.

 

Im going to be honest, I did some stuff during our relationships that I am not proud of and that made her suffer, however, I did most of them only because I wasn’t really sure where our relationships was heading. I am going to list them all here. That’s pretty much all I did over 1.5 years:

 

- During a camping trip with common friends, she said I was flirting all the time with a girl, which I think was totally exaggerated. She stopped talking to me for a while during the trip but then it got better. I told her I really didn’t think I was doing something bad and I stopped being friendly with the other girl. That other girl even said she didn’t think we were flirting at all. We were how we always were. By the way I knew her before my gf.

- She noticed I was sometimes checking the facebook profile of my ex girlfriend. She thought I was doing it all the time (even though I was not) and asked me to remove her from my friends. Which I did reluctantly. That ex-girlfriend was living on a different continent and I told her that she didn’t matter anymore, but I understood her reaction and removed her anyway. I even removed all old pictures we had together on fb.

- A few month later, she caught me sending and receiving snapchat with this same ex-girlfriend. It was really nothing bad and didn't happen often, just picture random like the snow or whatever, but she really thought it was more. It hurt her really bad, I felt really guilty and then removed that girl completely from my life (snapchat and all).

She wrote me a few times after, but I always politely shut her down immediately. I didn’t tell my gf she contacted me after though.

- I invited her to come with me to celebrate new years in Sweden with some friends. She said she couldn’t go. For some reason I said I wanted to do it with her and not go in Sweden. But later my friend really insisted and convinced me to buy a ticket to go there which I did. I only told my gf after I bought it that I was going there after all and she should come. She felt like I had abandoned her, which I did in some way. We ended up doing it separately.

- I planned to celebrate my birthday with friends. One of my friend is a friend from college with which I had sex once about 7 years before. After that, nothing happened and we remained close friends. I ever introduced her to my ex-girlfriends (and they didn’t make a drama) and she introduced me to her boyfriends. I told my girlfriend I was going to invite that college friend and she went crazy. I immediately understood and told her I was not going to invite her to my birthday if that would make her feel better. It was a really big fight, long. It made me feel terrible and I had to take 2 days off work because I was depressed. She told me to never see that girl again or we would break up, even after I explained 100 times that she was a real long time friend. I reluctantly accepted never to see her again. Then my girlfriend asked me to remove all my ex girlfriends from facebook, which I also did even though I feel like she shouldn’t ask that. I noticed a few weeks ago that she verified it and somehow knew who some of my ex girlfriend were.

 

That pretty much sums up what I did. Let me just say it was all during the first year (except the birthday thing), which is not an excuse, but I was still confused about the future, her living in a different country and still being young. She also did some things I didn’t like, not as bad maybe, but things that didn’t help our relationship. I never brought it back though.

Since 10 month now, I have been completely honest and haven’t done anything bad. We went on vacations several times, I offered her gifts, I tried to be more like what she expected.

 

However, she is making me go insane, and I think I might be dealing with an emotional bully. I know all the stuff I listed above can make it seem like im an as****** but I don’t think I deserve all this. Here is a list of things that really concerns me:

 

- We fight more and more often and she never stops. It’s always very emotional and draining for both of us. I spend HOURS and days explaining myself and saying I’m sorry for the past but it doesn’t stop. Its only when I put my foot down and Im pretty much ready to end it that she stop and we make up.

- She always bring up the past and makes me feel guilty for it, even though most of these things happened a long time ago when our relationship was starting and totally different. I literally apologize 100 times for these things. Recently she said I need to someday do a real apology to her for hurting her so bad.

- During fights she happened to bring back a moment that I thought was a good time between us, and tell me it actually wasn’t good and I could have done this or that better. As a result Im always wondering if im doing something wrong.

- She expect me to drop everything when she needs me after we had a fight or need to have a conversation, even though I propose to meet just a few hours later. Like there was that time we fought for days, when it was finally over she told me to come and see her and I said I had planned to watch a game with a friend but I’ll be there right after. She said something like “Are you really willing to sacrifice our relationship for a game?”

- She has threatened to break up often. I feel like im always walking on eggshells.

- While we were on vacation she brought up the college friend again after it was settled. She asked me to not only stop seeing her, but remove her from facebook as well. I decided to refuse and it started a huge fight. There was no reason to bring it up again, we were together on vacation I still don’t understand why she did that. It ruined pretty much 2 weeks of holidays. One night she was crying (after I did everything to prove that I loved her and cared about her), I decided to go to sleep as I was exhausted from all that drama. She decided in the middle of the night to leave to go home (5 hours drive). I had to convince her to stay with me, almost begged.

- We fight late at night sometimes, but she doesn’t stop even if she knows I have work the next days and I’m going to be exhausted. Sometimes she makes me feel bad if I go to sleep because she has sleeping issues.

- Her mother was very strict on her, and I’m afraid she is taking that on me. Her dad literally looks depressed and has a very suppressed personality. I suspect it might be because of the same thing. She also told me she was the worst brat on earth when she was a child but she got better one day. But I can see it coming up sometimes, when she doesn’t get her ways.

- Sometimes when we were arguing I told her that I was hurt by what she told me (she said im a naturally selfish person, don’t care, etc, she wrote me an entire letter to point out how selfish I am) but that didn’t make her stop or care about my feelings.

- She compared me to her ex boyfriend and how they would do that or not do that to/for her.

- She often accuse me of things and exaggerate. She often says I don’t care about her etc. I also spent hours on the phone and texting telling her it wasn’t true and I care about her. Im always there to chat and we spent almost every weekends together recently.

- While I was working out, she snooped on my facebook and checked a conversation with my good friend where I was telling him how I felt. I said stuff that was between him and me and that was just after a fight were I was pissed. She accused me on bad mouthing to people about her. I had to insist 1000 times to prove her it was just because I was pissed and it was a private conversation anyway. I feel like I shouldn’t even have had to justify that anyway.

- She got very emotional recently and hung up on me twice on the phone. Once she also blocked me from all means of contacting her for 2 days because I didn’t answers her calls (I was eating downstairs and didn’t hear it). She took 4 days to reply to my last message. After she replied she expected me to reply immediately.

- I noticed sometimes she is nagging me, it happened in front of my best friend too. When I protest, she says that I need to learn to take a joke, that I’m too serious etc.

- She always says she needs more passion, I told her I’m what I am and I can’t change my personality for her. I’m a down to earth guy, always ready for fun and new experiences, but I can’t say I’m passionate you know. I’m just a normal guy not Romeo.

- Now she is back in America for a semester. Things were going well but she started to tell me that I didn’t ask her enough questions and cared about her. She said I should have asked for her schedule and should have known the name of her dorm. I checked our messages and Im asking tons of questions. We Skype often too.

- She says I don’t show enough attention, and provide example of what her friends ‘boyfriends are doing for them (buying chocolate and other things). I told her I do other things for her.

- Basically she is very demanding sometimes, even though we spend great times together. She only sees the worst in me sometimes. I told her that. I also said that I would open up more if I wasn’t feeling so pressured.

- She almost never steps back during a fight and try to find a common ground. My arguments seem always invalid and only her ways count. It’s really impossible to have a constructive argument. And it escalade quickly. It could last for days before it fades.

- I feel anxious all the time that something I might say could start a fight. I feel more anxious in life in general. I feel inadequate.

 

There is probably more things I forgot. And sorry for the repeating patterns.

Its hard for me to make a decision because im feeling that all this drama is caused by my past behavior and that our relationship could have been great. We get along well and share the same views on life. Our sex is pretty good too.

 

I’m just not sure if I’m a victim of emotional bullying. Im a caring person and always willing to forgive and move ahead. she wasn’t perfect all the time in the relationship as well, but I think the past is the past and you can’t progress if you keep bringing it up.

 

Her emotional ways is really scaring me. It’s really intense. I feel like an idiot for tolerating all that. I feel like I should move on. Somehow I wish she would get better but it doesn’t. It is ok to have argument, but the bringing up the past and guilt trip thing is starting to scare me. I fear she will never change and make my life hell. Yet I still love her.

 

I just want to know, is what I did in the past enough to justify all that?

 

Thank you very much for your help.

[ja123]

You ARE dealing with an emotional bully, and a controller. These people are very insecure and you can never do enough or be enough for them.

 

 

You made too many concessions (such as, removing your friend with whom you only slept once from your social media). You shouldn't have booked a ticket to Sweden after telling her you were going to stay with her, though.

 

 

You probably shouldn't go into details or numbers about past relationships with girlfriends (and don't let them tell you about their in any detail either), the past is the past.

 

 

I'd recommend reading "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward.

[hippychick3]

I am completely exhausted after reading your post and feel like "I" need to take a day off of work to recuperate.

 

This girl is extremely needy, insecure, controlling, and probably emotionally abusive. This is NOT a healthy relationship AT ALL.

 

I would say it's time to call her bluff and let her block you, drive home, break up with you, etc.....everything she threatens to do, let her do it. Do you want this to be your life forever?? You have to make a tough decision sooner rather than later, because it's only going to get worse. This girl is not going to change.

[jacktorranc]

Thank you for your answers, it reassure me somehow. Any other opinions?