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Did you/ your AP discuss sex life with spouse? How did you feel about it?

Jemima1234

By Jemima1234
in The Other Man / Woman

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JustJoe Established Member

JustJoe

Posted
Posted

To answer the question...no..I never inquired about my AP's sex life with her husband (or anything else about their marriage, for that matter).. Honestly, it would never occur to me to do so.

This thread is damned amusing. It shows clearly how deluded a lot of AP's really are. To hear posters say that they felt that they were "cheating" on their APs. Also that the Affair was a real, honest-to- goodness relationship , makes me chuckle.

Let me clue you in on something. AP's have no "rights" whatsoever, with regards to the marriage or the intimate details, thereof. I am heartily glad that I was adult enough and sophisticated enough not to have any interest in things that were none of my biznay.

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imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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I don't remember reading anyone actually ASKING more that they were told

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Jemima1234 Established Member

Jemima1234

Posted
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Having had the 'pleasure' of reading much of my WH communications I found the lies almost humorous. What broke my heart, way more than the affair, were the intimacies he shared. Personal, private things that I would only share with my love.

 

His A started shortly after my serious surgery. He mocked & discussed how grossed out he was by my scars & how disfigured I am. I don't even want to wear a swimming costume let alone ever be seen naked by anyone ever again. I used to truly enjoy my sexuality. Now I know I'm a joke.

 

I will never share my intimate thoughts, fears, health worries (I have cancer. More surgeries down there) again. If I wouldn't post it on Facebook I wouldn't share it with a man.

 

Affairs are so much fun.

 

 

That's awful- so sorry he did that to you

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Jemima1234 Established Member

Jemima1234

Posted
  • Author
Posted
To answer the question...no..I never inquired about my AP's sex life with her husband (or anything else about their marriage, for that matter).. Honestly, it would never occur to me to do so.

This thread is damned amusing. It shows clearly how deluded a lot of AP's really are. To hear posters say that they felt that they were "cheating" on their APs. Also that the Affair was a real, honest-to- goodness relationship , makes me chuckle.

Let me clue you in on something. AP's have no "rights" whatsoever, with regards to the marriage or the intimate details, thereof. I am heartily glad that I was adult enough and sophisticated enough not to have any interest in things that were none of my biznay.

 

Nobody is saying it's right to have these struggles - but it's reality. This is the other woman / man forum - the only place these things can be discussed!! Wish it made me laugh but it doesn't! I know I have no rights but it doesn't change the pain!

  • Like 4
Adoraxx Established Member

Adoraxx

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Just thinking back now to a few occasions with my xMM.....early on in our A we got quite hot and heavy at work in the afternoon but due to others being around couldn't progress things. He said he was so worked up that he would have to go and jerk off later on. The next day I asked him how he went and lo and behold he admitted he didn't masturbate but ended up having sex with his wife because SHE initiated and it would seem weird if he said no (after telling me another time that she hardly ever initiates). What bull****! He was totally horny so went home from work and jumped on his wife whereas he fed me the story that he just had to go along with it.

 

Then another time later on in the affair he wanted to get physical at work. I said no. We were deep in push/pull by then and I was trying to step back from him. Well he totally sulked about that. A couple of hours later he told me that sex with his wife was happening that night as he just happened to magically receive a text message from her whilst he was at work asking for sex. What an amazing coincidence seeing she rarely initiated!!!! It totally was a jealousy tactic and unfortunately at the time it worked and he got under my skin.

 

It's just so toxic when you are in the midst of it all but you can see things so much clearer when you are out of it.

 

My xMM said once that he has a good sex life with W. After that I wasn't allowed to mention it to him again. I didn't have any sex life whatsoever with H and it got even worse once the A began because by then I couldn't even stand H's (few) kisses anymore. xMM wouldn't mind mentioned my (non existing) sex life with H but he would mind if I asked about his sex life with W.

 

Also, what Grey wrote about him being all horny because of her, is the same as how it went with xMM. I'm sure he had sex with W after he got horny from seeing me/ talking to me/ whatever. When I asked him about it , he got furious and gave me silent treatment just so I would never dare to ask it again.

 

I think it's weird that he wanted sex with me even though he had such a good sex life with W

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imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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Completely agree. I feel even more sick that I got him all hot and heavy and she got the benefits. It's gross. No one likes a double dipper. Am I even allowed to say that on LS? Sorry admin if not

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Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
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From the other side....

 

My WS told his AP that he's stopped having sex with me because he's gone off me because "I'd got fat" and "let myself go".

 

This was a total fabrication.

 

At the time I was 5'3" tall and about 125 lbs :eek:

 

When I visited his workplace on several occasions I was unknowingly seen by her. What a shock for her to see a smartly-dressed business woman, with a chic haircut, driving a better car than him !

 

I wonder why it never occurred to her that he was lying? :confused:

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cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
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Did your AP talk about sex with spouse?

Did you believe them?

 

 

It wasn't something we discussed, but I knew he wasn't having sex with her. And during all the mudslinging of the D, it seemed to be the thing she was most bitter about (aside from him having the temerity to dump her.)

cocorico Established Member

cocorico

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At the time I was 5'3" tall

 

 

Has this changed? :p

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RegretfulOM Member

RegretfulOM

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Unless the MM is in the process of getting divorced or separating, he is definitely still sleeping with his wife. Even if he doesn't like her and is only marginally attracted to her. We're just wired differently. If she is willing he is going to sleep with her. Having been in multiple affairs, I started making conversations about my home life off limits. Whenever I was honest about intimacy at home I noticed that it was hurtful to my AP. So I just stopped talking about it altogether. Any man that tells you he isn't sleeping with his wife is lying!!! We have to keep up the sex, if we stop that is a HUGE red flag. But the reality is most MM men do still enjoy sex with their wives, its not seen as duty sex at all.

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cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
Unless the MM is in the process of getting divorced or separating, he is definitely still sleeping with his wife. Even if he doesn't like her and is only marginally attracted to her. We're just wired differently. If she is willing he is going to sleep with her. Having been in multiple affairs, I started making conversations about my home life off limits. Whenever I was honest about intimacy at home I noticed that it was hurtful to my AP. So I just stopped talking about it altogether. Any man that tells you he isn't sleeping with his wife is lying!!! We have to keep up the sex, if we stop that is a HUGE red flag. But the reality is most MM men do still enjoy sex with their wives, its not seen as duty sex at all.

 

_Any_ man? You've checked with them all?

 

You must have missed my H, then....

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Birdies Established Member

Birdies

Posted
Posted
To answer the question...no..I never inquired about my AP's sex life with her husband (or anything else about their marriage, for that matter).. Honestly, it would never occur to me to do so.

This thread is damned amusing. It shows clearly how deluded a lot of AP's really are. To hear posters say that they felt that they were "cheating" on their APs. Also that the Affair was a real, honest-to- goodness relationship , makes me chuckle.

Let me clue you in on something. AP's have no "rights" whatsoever, with regards to the marriage or the intimate details, thereof. I am heartily glad that I was adult enough and sophisticated enough not to have any interest in things that were none of my biznay.

 

Lol, so glad to know you're the "mature and sophisticated" kind of cheater :laugh:

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Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
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coricoro,

 

Originally Posted by Arieswoman

At the time I was 5'3" tall

 

Has this changed?

 

Not that I'm aware of :laugh:

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imsosad Established Member

imsosad

Posted
Posted
_Any_ man? You've checked with them all?

 

You must have missed my H, then....

 

Maybe, but she's not wrong in general. Yeah,there are exceptions. I imagine almost none of what is said here about MM applies to you and your partner, but it does describe most affairs.

I think you've had a very,very rare experience of an A.

I also ended up with my AP, but I cant say I dont recognize different aspects of our A in many common themes on the threads here.

  • Like 1
Chica80 Established Member

Chica80

Posted
Posted
To answer the question...no..I never inquired about my AP's sex life with her husband (or anything else about their marriage, for that matter).. Honestly, it would never occur to me to do so.

This thread is damned amusing. It shows clearly how deluded a lot of AP's really are. To hear posters say that they felt that they were "cheating" on their APs. Also that the Affair was a real, honest-to- goodness relationship , makes me chuckle.

Let me clue you in on something. AP's have no "rights" whatsoever, with regards to the marriage or the intimate details, thereof. I am heartily glad that I was adult enough and sophisticated enough not to have any interest in things that were none of my biznay.

 

 

I find this an interesting post.....

 

When you were in the A. Were your feelings not real? Did you not think of your AP and yourself in a relationship?

 

And if not real, then why is she your wife now?

 

Please explain

 

For me personally I wouldn't say I felt like I was "cheating" on AP. I just myself could not be with two people. There is only one for me at a time. So I could not express and share things with someone else. Sex is an extension of how I feel about the person I'm with.

  • Like 2
spideywoman Established Member

spideywoman

Posted
Posted
To answer the question...no..I never inquired about my AP's sex life with her husband (or anything else about their marriage, for that matter).. Honestly, it would never occur to me to do so.

This thread is damned amusing. It shows clearly how deluded a lot of AP's really are. To hear posters say that they felt that they were "cheating" on their APs. Also that the Affair was a real, honest-to- goodness relationship , makes me chuckle.

Let me clue you in on something. AP's have no "rights" whatsoever, with regards to the marriage or the intimate details, thereof. I am heartily glad that I was adult enough and sophisticated enough not to have any interest in things that were none of my biznay.

 

I find this an interesting post.....

 

When you were in the A. Were your feelings not real? Did you not think of your AP and yourself in a relationship?

 

And if not real, then why is she your wife now?

 

Please explain

 

For me personally I wouldn't say I felt like I was "cheating" on AP. I just myself could not be with two people. There is only one for me at a time. So I could not express and share things with someone else. Sex is an extension of how I feel about the person I'm with.

 

I have to agree with Sunshine's last post on this thread. I'm one of the people who made you chuckle and am apparently deluded. I don't know what your story is but if you're married to your former AP now as Sunshine says, how does that factor in if nobody had any rights, or nothing was was real, as you said?

 

The rights anyone has can be bestowed upon them _ i.e. MM choses to share whatever details and the OW has the right to listen or not; that would be my right. I may think I had a right to know what was going on in my AP's marriage (which I didn't because I wasn't interested) and it's his right to either fill me in, or not. That's his right. I have a right to demand many things; I did and got what I needed the majority of the time. When I didn't I sucked it up. Similarly with my AP _ he had a right to ask and what he got, he got; what he didn't, he didn't. There's no rulebook here. Every relationship, whether it's an affair, a marriage, mother daughter, father / son _ has boundaries and rights are within those. Sure, in terms of "legal" rights I would guess most APs have no standing. I didn't. If that's what you meant, ignore my reply. But to dismiss any feelings, emotions, shared experiences and memories that are borne out of an affair because of a swooping blanket belief that APs have no rights I think is rather narrow-minded and quite restricting as far as any relationship goes.

 

If sophistication and adulthood means what you describe, I'd rather remain crass and immature (and deluded.)

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rainbowsandkittens Established Member

rainbowsandkittens

Posted
Posted
Having had the 'pleasure' of reading much of my WH communications I found the lies almost humorous. What broke my heart, way more than the affair, were the intimacies he shared. Personal, private things that I would only share with my love.

 

His A started shortly after my serious surgery. He mocked & discussed how grossed out he was by my scars & how disfigured I am. I don't even want to wear a swimming costume let alone ever be seen naked by anyone ever again. I used to truly enjoy my sexuality. Now I know I'm a joke.

 

I will never share my intimate thoughts, fears, health worries (I have cancer. More surgeries down there) again. If I wouldn't post it on Facebook I wouldn't share it with a man.

 

Affairs are so much fun.

 

I wish I could find your WH and kick him in the shins. Repeatedly. I hate that he did this to you. Please don't let his being an ahole stop you from getting close to other people. That would be a real tragedy.

 

I know it's not my business but I sometimes wonder why you stay with him. You deserve so much better.

  • Like 6
Cyra Established Member

Cyra

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ShatteredLady, that is an outright nasty and despicable man. You deserve much better.

Dont let anyone treat you that way.

  • Like 5
Southern Sun Established Member

Southern Sun

Posted
Posted
Unless the MM is in the process of getting divorced or separating, he is definitely still sleeping with his wife. Even if he doesn't like her and is only marginally attracted to her. We're just wired differently. If she is willing he is going to sleep with her. Having been in multiple affairs, I started making conversations about my home life off limits. Whenever I was honest about intimacy at home I noticed that it was hurtful to my AP. So I just stopped talking about it altogether. Any man that tells you he isn't sleeping with his wife is lying!!! We have to keep up the sex, if we stop that is a HUGE red flag. But the reality is most MM men do still enjoy sex with their wives, its not seen as duty sex at all.

 

Is this really ALWAYS true? My xMM said that he couldn't get his 'member' to function with his wife, once he started having affairs. I tend to believe him. He went after younger women, differently shaped than his wife.

 

He had no real reason to lie (about this). He knew I still had sex with my BH and would even occasionally ask me about it. He told me plenty of other things that made me very uncomfortable.

 

I always thought my karma would be that my H some day would shack up with a younger woman and leave me all alone.

Matahari007 Member

Matahari007

Posted
Posted

When I was married and started with Ap it was very difficult for me to sleep with H. He found it very hard to understand but I was only able to give myself to one person and my heart at the time was with AP. I no longer desired or wanted my H and wanted out of the marriage. I use to get skeeved out at the thought of sleeping with him. My skin would crawl and in a crazy way felt like I was cheating on my Ap. So trust me I get that part.

 

So when I told Ap it was rare if hardly ever that we slept together it was the honest truth. I'm saying all this to show that sometimes what is said in an affair is not always lies, so its definitely possible in some cases for that Ap to not be having sex with their spouse or partner.

  • Like 3
Matahari007 Member

Matahari007

Posted
Posted

To answer the question if my Ap and I discuss sex life with spouse? We have never commented on it and to be honest I don't want to know. I don't think he wants to know either so its probably the only subject we never discuss. We have known each other since we were 14 years old. I consider us to be great friends above anything & so far the way things have been between us has been working out.

  • Like 1
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
He mocked & discussed how grossed out he was by my scars & how disfigured I am.

.

 

I just don't get how any OW could be in an affair with a man who spoke about his wife like this. How could she think this is a decent man!

 

I can understand how that is truly heartbreaking SL. Hugs to you.

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ShatteredLady Established Member

ShatteredLady

Posted
Posted
I just don't get how any OW could be in an affair with a man who spoke about his wife like this. How could she think this is a decent man!

 

I can understand how that is truly heartbreaking SL. Hugs to you.

 

 

She wrote that he was the most moral & principled man she had ever known!

 

We're returning home to England very soon. I won't be isolated & vulnerable once I'm home with my babies, surrounded by family & friends.

 

At the end of the day we should all plan for OUR futures in the best way that we can. I'm not brave. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right path. I'm taking the best first step I can think of. I wish I was stronger. I was hit with all of this at my weakest most broken state, physically & mentally.

 

Life can be so complicated & so very difficult. Maybe I'm just not brave enough to close my eyes & jump. I took a leap of faith when I first got onto the USA plane....

 

Thank you all for the kind words. I can't believe I wrote that. So embarrassing :sick::(

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Chica80 Established Member

Chica80

Posted
Posted
She wrote that he was the most moral & principled man she had ever known!

 

We're returning home to England very soon. I won't be isolated & vulnerable once I'm home with my babies, surrounded by family & friends.

 

At the end of the day we should all plan for OUR futures in the best way that we can. I'm not brave. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right path. I'm taking the best first step I can think of. I wish I was stronger. I was hit with all of this at my weakest most broken state, physically & mentally.

 

Life can be so complicated & so very difficult. Maybe I'm just not brave enough to close my eyes & jump. I took a leap of faith when I first got onto the USA plane....

 

Thank you all for the kind words. I can't believe I wrote that. So embarrassing :sick::(

 

YOU are an amazing woman. For what you have gone through. For having a compassionate heart.

YOU have given me good advice even when I may be the enemy the "OW"

No one deserves that type of treatment.What he said about you.

I'm happy you will be surrounded by those you love and are close to.

  • Like 5
BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

Posted
Posted
She wrote that he was the most moral & principled man she had ever known!

 

We're returning home to England very soon. I won't be isolated & vulnerable once I'm home with my babies, surrounded by family & friends.

 

At the end of the day we should all plan for OUR futures in the best way that we can. I'm not brave. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right path. I'm taking the best first step I can think of. I wish I was stronger. I was hit with all of this at my weakest most broken state, physically & mentally.

 

Life can be so complicated & so very difficult. Maybe I'm just not brave enough to close my eyes & jump. I took a leap of faith when I first got onto the USA plane....

 

Thank you all for the kind words. I can't believe I wrote that. So embarrassing :sick::(

 

I hope that you consider leaving your husband when you go home.

That said, I can relate to how hard it is to walk away from years of history.

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