Formerfiveo Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 My husband and I have been separated and living apart for 10 months, and our divorce will be finalized in maybe 6 weeks. Everything has been friendly and amicable, and we're not using lawyers - everything was settled within the first few weeks. I've started to date again, and the guy that I'm seeing exclusively now has a problem with me and my stbx still being friends. There is nothing romantic about our friendship - there hasn't been any physical intimacy for years! But he still works on my car and I still handle his insurance. We still look out for each other like that. I know it's not the norm with most divorces. My manfriend (I feel too old to call someone my boyfriend ) had an ugly divorce, as did all of his friends who are also divorced. I do see potentially a future with him, and I have been detaching more from my stbx (eliminating him from my social media was a biggie), but I'm wondering if anyone has ever dealt with this and has any advice. I want to stay friends with the stbx because he's a good guy and we had 9 mostly good years together. But is this reasonable? Thanks!
carhill Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Firstly, congrats on the amicable D. That's often tough to do these days. Second, walked in these shoes and dated while separated and results varied, as did opinion about my truly being detached because I didn't demonstrate enough palpable 'hate'. We happened to have MC during the latter portion of our M and that helped me process things without the hate stuff, mostly. However, I couldn't imagine being friends with my exW. We had a decade of marriage and, sure, a lot of good times. That's the past. It ended. Up to you. Some guys don't mind. I didn't really. I met exW H2 and proposed to her at an old BF's house. Others opinions vary. Maybe you'll meet a guy like that, who doesn't really care that your exH works on your car, etc. This guy doesn't sound like one of those guys. It is what it is. At some point you'll ask yourself which path is the most productive and healthy for you. That's a personal question and answer. 2
Author Formerfiveo Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 Thanks for your insight, Carhill. I think that's what the guy I've been seeing is looking for - palpable hate. It's just not there. Resentment? Yes. But I'm also not going to vent to him about my failed marriage. I'm hoping that once our divorce is finalized, that will help ease his mind.
carhill Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 IMO, if the topic comes up, focus on how you're looking forward to getting the dissolution final and moving on. Though the ladies I dated didn't query specifics, our D was easy to view online and they could have seen the case summary and filings, etc, showing movement towards dissolution. If the guy you're dating continues to voice reservations even after the D is final, I'd reconsider proceeding with him. I found, in general, commenters who harped on my lack of palpable hate to be wearing and simply expressed the appropriate boundary if they were otherwise long-time friends or discontinued association. All part of moving on. 1
TennisGal Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Is your manfriend over his ugly divorce and the "palpable hate" of his ex? If not, frankly, I'd steer clear. Those who still hold the anger and hate are still emotionally attached to the ex; in a negative way, but it's still an attachment 3
Author Formerfiveo Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 Is your manfriend over his ugly divorce and the "palpable hate" of his ex? If not, frankly, I'd steer clear. Those who still hold the anger and hate are still emotionally attached to the ex; in a negative way, but it's still an attachment I completely agree. Yes, he is. It's been 7 years since his divorce and he's had one 1 year relationship since. He rarely talks about his marriage, and when he does, it's never anything negative. Mutual friends have told me how ugly his divorce was. I have to admit, prior to stopping interaction with my stbx on fakebook, we would be all jokey in our online banter, so I could see where that could annoy the manfriend and be cause for concern. I've since stopped that kind of stuff.
compulsivedancer Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 My ex and I are on good terms. He is renting-to-own a house from me, and after nearly two years, we finally separated our cell phone bill this month, so we still have contact. We used to meet for the monthly money exchange, and we'd usually spend some time catching up, but as time has gone on, he's delivered the money straight to the bank, and our friendship is fading (this may be related to me being pregnant...or not. Unclear). We're still civil and friendly, but as I develop my relationship with my SO, my old relationship with my ex fades - there's just not enough to keep it going, and it is unnecessary to force a friendship when the fade out seems natural and healthy. That said, if my SO was jealous and upset about my contact with my ex, it would be a strain on our relationship, especially given my long term obligations as my ex's landlord. Anyone who wishes you to have rancor toward others is maybe worth reevaluating. However, if you're openly and publicly buddy-buddy with your ex, it could also be a red flag for him. He may worry that your relationship is not really over, or feel that you're being disrespectful to him. Or he may feel that he can never live up to your history with your ex. Ultimately, you have to weigh and balance these factors and decide what you're willing to accept vs. what you're willing to give up. 2
mikeylo Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 He could be testing your feelings towards your ex. Childish? Yeah. Maturity doesn't come with age. 2
Birdies Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 Just wanted to add my 2 cents that your wanting to continue to have a relationship with your ex-husband is completely understandable, and it's wonderful when people can do that following a divorce. He was a huge part of your life for many years, and I think it's healthy to continue that relationship if possible. If your new guy is insecure about that, frankly it's his problem. I went through a semi-amicable divorce (as amicable as it could possibly be given that my husband knew I had a prolonged affair ). I am grateful to him for the extent to which he is still able to have a relationship with me, and I'd consider it an utter non-starter if a new partner had a problem with that. Sorry, you don't get to tell me who I can and can't be friends with. (I recognize that that may sound hypocritical coming from someone who cheated on their spouse, but nonetheless, it's how I feel.) 1
BlueIris Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 My husband and I have been separated and living apart for 10 months, and our divorce will be finalized in maybe 6 weeks. Everything has been friendly and amicable, and we're not using lawyers - everything was settled within the first few weeks. I've started to date again, and the guy that I'm seeing exclusively now has a problem with me and my stbx still being friends. There is nothing romantic about our friendship - there hasn't been any physical intimacy for years! But he still works on my car and I still handle his insurance. We still look out for each other like that. I know it's not the norm with most divorces. My manfriend (I feel too old to call someone my boyfriend ) had an ugly divorce, as did all of his friends who are also divorced. I do see potentially a future with him, and I have been detaching more from my stbx (eliminating him from my social media was a biggie), but I'm wondering if anyone has ever dealt with this and has any advice. I want to stay friends with the stbx because he's a good guy and we had 9 mostly good years together. But is this reasonable? Thanks! Sure it's reasonable. This is a big dividing line in the divorced crowd. In my experience, the people who had ugly divorces were not people I ended up wanting to date. Over time it became clear why they had ugly divorces- one being how your manfriend is acting, unable to understand or cope with your friendship with your ex.
Author Formerfiveo Posted October 7, 2016 Author Posted October 7, 2016 I went through a semi-amicable divorce (as amicable as it could possibly be given that my husband knew I had a prolonged affair ). I am grateful to him for the extent to which he is still able to have a relationship with me, and I'd consider it an utter non-starter if a new partner had a problem with that. Sorry, you don't get to tell me who I can and can't be friends with. (I recognize that that may sound hypocritical coming from someone who cheated on their spouse, but nonetheless, it's how I feel.) Wow - that's really mature and classy of you to focus on the good parts of your marriage in light of his affair! I feel the same way, too. I'm grateful for his honesty and commitment, and I learned so much about myself and relationships in general. We joke about how we'd do it again (get married and then divorce). Any resentment, jealousy, or concern about my ex-h (don't know what to call it really) has calmed down with the manfriend and I think he's feeling more secure about "us." What helped was me asking if it was okay to list him as my emergency contact for an upcoming trip overseas - a responsibility formerly belonging to the ex.
UnbreakMyHeart Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 I have a great relationship with my first ex husband and his wife to the extent that we all went to Spain together in July to celebrate our sons 21st birthday. I certainly know this wouldn't be the norm for most people, but it works for us and my current boyfriend (at 43 this doesn't seem fitting either) has absolutely no problem with it. He is an awesome dad and both him and his wife (especially his wife) were amazing friends to me when my second marriage went to sh*t! I have been upfront about it from the start of any relationships I have had since we divorced 14 years ago and those relationships wouldn't have progressed if that person had had an issue.
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