mssweet Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 I met this guy about 5 weeks ago. We've been on 4 dates. So far, hes a wonderful guy...genuine, very generous, basically hes great on paper. However, hes way more into me, than I am into him. He texts me every single day. He's expressed that he feels a connection, sees a future with me, and that that I'm everything that he's looking for. He has even told me he misses me a couple of times in between dates, and that his heart misses a beat when hes with me. Btw, we haven't slept together yet, only kissed/mini-make-out sessions. Now, I agree that he would be a good long-term partner for me as well, he has a lot of qualities that I want in someone. But yet...I just can't feel a connection with him and can't reciprocate the same feelings yet. I have told him that I do like him and would like to take things slow. I just feel bad that I'm not feeling the same connection that he feels with me. For some reason, I feel as if I'm lacking the desire for him. Like I've already mentioned, hes a great guy, and I feel that I should be way more into him because hes doing everything right. This might sound crazy, but it's almost like hes making it too easy lol. Should I continue with he 5th date to see if my feelings change, or if the attraction towards him grows?
Gaeta Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Do you appreciate him a little more each time you see him? Do you catch yourself thinking about him and looking forward to seeing him? Then yes continue seeing him. 6
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I met this guy about 5 weeks ago. We've been on 4 dates. So far, hes a wonderful guy...genuine, very generous, basically hes great on paper. However, hes way more into me, than I am into him. He texts me every single day. He's expressed that he feels a connection, sees a future with me, and that that I'm everything that he's looking for. He has even told me he misses me a couple of times in between dates, and that his heart misses a beat when hes with me. Btw, we haven't slept together yet, only kissed/mini-make-out sessions. Now, I agree that he would be a good long-term partner for me as well, he has a lot of qualities that I want in someone. But yet...I just can't feel a connection with him and can't reciprocate the same feelings yet. I have told him that I do like him and would like to take things slow. I just feel bad that I'm not feeling the same connection that he feels with me. For some reason, I feel as if I'm lacking the desire for him. Like I've already mentioned, hes a great guy, and I feel that I should be way more into him because hes doing everything right. This might sound crazy, but it's almost like hes making it too easy lol. Should I continue with he 5th date to see if my feelings change, or if the attraction towards him grows? I know nothing of your persona, but I will point out that there are LOTS of people who should clearly continue that sort of a relationship... and many of them have a long, long list of bad men in their pasts, and are typically the women who fall-HARD... and who cannot resist the ones they are super-attracted to. (because their 'picker' is often broken, those women are predisposed to being deeply attracted to the bad guys... and THEY should find the personal strength to keep pursuing the steady, good guy who you describe here) Now you may be a relative saint, and someone who has never even known a bump in the social road... but it still seems the right move to keep testing this guy, based only on the things you wrote about him, and his long-term potential match for you. 4
oasis Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I would go out on a few more dates with him and see if something develops. As long as he is attractive and intelligent enough, you might find yourself start liking him. 2
smudge21 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Do you find you are often more attracted to other men when they're not as keen? When you have to do a bit of chasing or they at least don't wear their heart on their sleeve. That extra bit of work coupled with some mystery maybe makes them more attractive to you? I only ask because from what you said, you have this great guy wanting you in every way and treating you with respect and being open with you completely. So maybe the opposite of that is what you're usually attracted to. We often do confuse attraction with desire - something we want more and have to work for, becomes attractive to us. However, often is the case that once we've got what we want, that attraction fades because it isn't based on physical or mental attraction, just desire to get something we can't have. 2
Toodaloo Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I met this guy about 5 weeks ago. We've been on 4 dates. So far, hes a wonderful guy...genuine, very generous, basically hes great on paper. However, hes way more into me, than I am into him. He texts me every single day. He's expressed that he feels a connection, sees a future with me, and that that I'm everything that he's looking for. He has even told me he misses me a couple of times in between dates, and that his heart misses a beat when hes with me. Btw, we haven't slept together yet, only kissed/mini-make-out sessions. Now, I agree that he would be a good long-term partner for me as well, he has a lot of qualities that I want in someone. But yet...I just can't feel a connection with him and can't reciprocate the same feelings yet. I have told him that I do like him and would like to take things slow. I just feel bad that I'm not feeling the same connection that he feels with me. For some reason, I feel as if I'm lacking the desire for him. Like I've already mentioned, hes a great guy, and I feel that I should be way more into him because hes doing everything right. This might sound crazy, but it's almost like hes making it too easy lol. Should I continue with he 5th date to see if my feelings change, or if the attraction towards him grows? What sort of "connection" is it that you are looking for? Sounds to me like you have a great guy there but if you feel something is missing perhaps its because it actually is! What is it that you think would make this "better". What can he do that would increase your desire for him? Is it his looks? His demeanor? Is it that he is taking you out to nice restaurants but you are more of a theater or rock and roll kind of girl? Think hard. What is it that is making you put on the breaks on this one? Is it a weird tick he has or does he hold his hand in a girly way when making a point? Just sit and ask yourself what is it... At the moment it seems as though he is on best behavior and what you need to see is "him". The guy he is when he isn't being such a "darling"... Because even the good guys have their quirks and foibles that make them not so perfect and a bit "bad"....
leogirl876 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Ever read the Mars & Venus on a date? It talks about the different phases of dating feelings, there's the attraction phase and the uncertainty phase. Maybe you're going through the uncertainty phase. The author talks about people who go through that phase should still go out with the person for a little while longer to make sure. Check out the reading, it's very informative. 1
ChatroomHero Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I think it depends. If you are being honest do you find him attractive or does he have all the qualities you want but you don't find him attractive? If you don't find him attractive and your type, I think you have to let him go. If he is your type but you just don't feel a connection, give it a while longer. Some people go on one date and can be super into you and that can be a turn off if you are not there yet even if you find them really attractive and compatible. You might get there eventually but I think it comes down to the question of what you mean by "connection"...are you just not comfortable and on the same wavelength with him which could develop, or are you not attracted to him physically? 1
Author mssweet Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 (edited) What sort of "connection" is it that you are looking for? Sounds to me like you have a great guy there but if you feel something is missing perhaps its because it actually is! What is it that you think would make this "better". What can he do that would increase your desire for him? Is it his looks? His demeanor? Is it that he is taking you out to nice restaurants but you are more of a theater or rock and roll kind of girl? Think hard. What is it that is making you put on the breaks on this one? Is it a weird tick he has or does he hold his hand in a girly way when making a point? Just sit and ask yourself what is it... At the moment it seems as though he is on best behavior and what you need to see is "him". The guy he is when he isn't being such a "darling"... Because even the good guys have their quirks and foibles that make them not so perfect and a bit "bad".... I think that he is handsome...but I guess I'm just not feeling that "magnetism"? Although, he feels it on his end. I agree that he may just be on his best behavior and I have yet to see him in a different light that might induce some spark. Also, I'm an introvert and I think he is a bit of an introvert too...so I also feel that things are a bit bland. I'm not looking for a bad boy, but I am attracted to the more "witty" type of personalities. Edited October 5, 2016 by mssweet
SwordofFlame Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I think that he is handsome...but I guess I'm just not feeling that "magnetism"? Although, he feels it on his end. I agree that he may just be on his best behavior and I have yet to see him in a different light that might induce some spark. Also, I'm an introvert and I think he is a bit of an introvert too...so I also feel that things are a bit bland. I'm not looking for a bad boy, but I am attracted to the more "witty" type of personalities. If it's personality than I really don't think that's going to change after a few more dates. 1
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 If it's personality than I really don't think that's going to change after a few more dates. My thoughts exactly. If he doesn't stimulate you mentally then you really don't have that intrigue for attraction. 5 dates and you find him boring? cut him loose.
Author mssweet Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 Do you find you are often more attracted to other men when they're not as keen? When you have to do a bit of chasing or they at least don't wear their heart on their sleeve. That extra bit of work coupled with some mystery maybe makes them more attractive to you? I only ask because from what you said, you have this great guy wanting you in every way and treating you with respect and being open with you completely. So maybe the opposite of that is what you're usually attracted to. We often do confuse attraction with desire - something we want more and have to work for, becomes attractive to us. However, often is the case that once we've got what we want, that attraction fades because it isn't based on physical or mental attraction, just desire to get something we can't have. I am used to dating guys that run hot n' cold, and I hate that lol. However, I appreciate that he has been open with his feelings, but at the same time, I'm a bit turned off to the daily texting and the "I miss you" texts. My feelings aren't on the same page with him right now, and I think my instincts are picking up that he might be needy? Now that I said that, I think that might be what is hindering an attraction to him. My main concern is whether I should wait it out to see if my feelings will catch up to his. But then I think that wouldn't be fair to him either, because hes SO sure of me already...and I fear breaking his heart in another month or two if my feelings don't catch up. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I am used to dating guys that run hot n' cold, and I hate that lol. However, I appreciate that he has been open with his feelings, but at the same time, I'm a bit turned off to the daily texting and the "I miss you" texts. My feelings aren't on the same page with him right now, and I think my instincts are picking up that he might be needy? Now that I said that, I think that might be what is hindering an attraction to him. My main concern is whether I should wait it out to see if my feelings will catch up to his. But then I think that wouldn't be fair to him either, because hes SO sure of me already...and I fear breaking his heart in another month or two if my feelings don't catch up. I know this sounds very... But have you told him that you feel a bit smothered and pressurised by those types of texts and that you would prefer him to send witty and flirty texts and how are you texts instead? I think you should talk to him about it. Neediness is really off putting but it also may be that its what he thinks he should be doing to be romantic... I really do think you need to talk to him and just be honest that you think he is fantastic but the clinginess is clouding your judgement at the moment and could he scale it back a bit. Give him clear examples of what is attractive to you and what isn't attractive to you. See if he listens and steps up. If he does then he is a real keeper. If he doesn't, well, it means he is as insecure as heck and you need to get out of there. 2
AMJ Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 If you have to ask this question after 5 dates, that's not a good sign. At this point you have to consider that you're stringing him along. 1
eightytwenty Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Maybe find something adventurous for the next date? Something fun and crazy. See if that changes things. 1
smudge21 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I am used to dating guys that run hot n' cold, and I hate that lol. However, I appreciate that he has been open with his feelings, but at the same time, I'm a bit turned off to the daily texting and the "I miss you" texts. My feelings aren't on the same page with him right now, and I think my instincts are picking up that he might be needy? Now that I said that, I think that might be what is hindering an attraction to him. My main concern is whether I should wait it out to see if my feelings will catch up to his. But then I think that wouldn't be fair to him either, because hes SO sure of me already...and I fear breaking his heart in another month or two if my feelings don't catch up. Well from a guys perspective here, I have been told that I have come on too strong in the past, but the thing is, until I was told that, I never noticed it. When we like someone, fancy someone, want someone, love someone, all those sensible normal thoughts go out the window. We just do crazy things and over think every little detail. We're normal people most of the time, but around someone we have feelings for, everything changes. Therefore maybe he simply doesn't realise he's doing it... so talk to him. I've lost out on some nice girls because of my attitude, and would love to have been told directly how I was acting, rather than just being told "goodbye".
Patrice Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 If you are a nice person, on the other end of this - I have gotten a myriad of reactions. One, angry - Two, forlorn (makes the person even less attractive). I tried to phrase it nicely, so I think from previous experiences, I get afraid to vocalize it - then inevitably, I am unattracted to the person, and I end it.
Miss Peach Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I am used to dating guys that run hot n' cold, and I hate that lol. However, I appreciate that he has been open with his feelings, but at the same time, I'm a bit turned off to the daily texting and the "I miss you" texts. My feelings aren't on the same page with him right now, and I think my instincts are picking up that he might be needy? Now that I said that, I think that might be what is hindering an attraction to him. My main concern is whether I should wait it out to see if my feelings will catch up to his. But then I think that wouldn't be fair to him either, because hes SO sure of me already...and I fear breaking his heart in another month or two if my feelings don't catch up. Have you ever thought that you may say you want guys who don't play hot and cold but your aren't emotionally available enough to find guys who don't play these games and want something real as unattractive. I know for me this is what I used to do. I had to change my mindset and behavior for the guys like your date to become attractive to me.
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