imaginarium Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Is it really possible for someone to leave a LTR and go into another one immediately and never have that be an issue down the road? For background, I reconnected with my high school boyfriend last year. He dated me for almost 2 years, dated another girl for a couple of years, pretty much jumped right from her to his ex-wife, and was with his ex for 10 years (married 5). When we started talking, he and his ex still shared a house, but hadn't had sex or slept in the same room since he caught her cheating on him (for the like, 10th time) 8 months prior. They had both decided to divorce about a month before but hadn't filed. When we met, he said it was like walking into a safe house when we hugged. It was apparent very quickly things were going to get serious if we let them. It's been almost a year since that day. I told him I couldn't date him if he continued to be married, so within a week he began the divorce proceedings. Things got kind of crazy with his ex when she realized he actually was leaving, but within 2 months he moved out, had his own place, and the divorce was finalized in February. Where their relationship was pretty extreme, with lots of drinking, drugs, and doing crazy things to cover up their general incompatibility, ours is pretty solid. He tells me that he's never been happier. That this is the first time in years that anyone has actually cared about him, and supported him, and made him want to be a better person. He takes my feelings into consideration. He's made so many positive changes, that he couldn't have made and sustained over a year if he didn't choose to live those changes every day. We have problems, but we work through them like adults, and I can honestly say this is the happiest and most stable relationship I have ever had. So all this is great, but he original question remains. He jumped from one very serious relationship straight to me. I've always been the kind of person that needs time off after a break up or I'll just rebound with someone and end up hurting them. Are there really people who can go straight from one thing to another and it lasts? He assures me I'm being silly after all this time, but really, a year isn't that long in the scheme of things...
elaine567 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 My worry for you here is that he jumped from one crazy, drug and alcohol filled relationship to you. I can see how you viewed you as his "safe house," but after all the healing, the settling, the stability... etc. is he then going to go "Well, where is the excitement here?" People in bad relationships tend to get addicted to the drama and whilst he needed his "Mom"(ie you) to cure him, support him and help him heal - not many want to live with their "Mom" indefinitely. Be careful. and then there is the rebound aspect too...
Author imaginarium Posted October 4, 2016 Author Posted October 4, 2016 My worry for you here is that he jumped from one crazy, drug and alcohol filled relationship to you. I can see how you viewed you as his "safe house," but after all the healing, the settling, the stability... etc. is he then going to go "Well, where is the excitement here?" People in bad relationships tend to get addicted to the drama and whilst he needed his "Mom"(ie you) to cure him, support him and help him heal - not many want to live with their "Mom" indefinitely. Be careful. and then there is the rebound aspect too... We've discussed that as well, as I don't want to get so wrapped up in him for him to decide he's bored with me. But we still do fun things that he didn't do before, like taking trips and vacations. I told him he couldn't drink at the same rate he was or it would kill him and I didn't want to watch that, so he has moderated it considerably and we can go out once or twice a weeks now and he can have 3-4 drinks and get pretty buzzed, so he didn't completely lose that. The drugs he actually quit on his own a few years before he met me, so that's less of a concern because he made the decision to walk away from that while his ex was still doing them and stayed clean. But yeah, I worry about the bored factor, until we end up ubering home from a grocery store with a live lobster then spend half an hour making friends with it before we cook it to do a crab vs lobster taste test at 10pm, and we're both laughing so hard that I know we are able to just have so much fun being together. And I try hard not to be "mom" because I know that's a relationship killer, just more supportive and distracting when he's had a bad day so instead of getting down and depressed, we usually turn it into a good day by the end. Plus we keep our sex life fun and interesting, which hopefully keeps me on the girlfriend side more than the mom side. Also, I guess I should note that part of why we broke up when we were 18 was because I could tell he was about to start experimenting with drugs and I was hardcore against it. We're in our 30s now and he is comfortable saying that part of his life is behind him, which maybe one day it won't be and that'll be a bridge to cross or blow up, but for the last year he has demonstrated that to be true.
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