Meg82 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Hi, I feel at a loss in my relationship and I barely know how to explain what the concerns are as I almost don't understand myself. Short history, we've been dating for almost 2 years and have been living together officially since January this year. While we don't do as many activities together or outings as I'd like, we've always been able to talk for hours and were like best friends and lovers in one and felt very comfortable together. We reached a stage even before we moved in together that we'd fight a lot, over insignificant issues that sometimes the next morning I can't even remember what it started over, only that the fights got out of hand and everything gets brought up and nasty comments. I understood that I can't change him I can only control and change my behaviour and sought counselling and anti anxiety medication, it has helped me a lot fights are significantly more under control, issue is I'm calm and he's still fighting, he yells breaks things storms out of house often disappearing all night ignores texts and calls. I'm at the stage where I don't text or call and he stays out all night. I am quite confident that he's not cheating that he disappears to a friends house or blows his money at the pub on the pokies. I am someone who doesn't like drama and if there is an issue just say what it is deal with it and move forward, he can hold a grudge for days and weeks. My long term issues are now I feel that I am his mother, he lives like a slob barely showering, leaves dishes and rubbish all through the house, dirty clothes everywhere. I'm no obsessive neat freak but I can't live in that mess, I've only asked put your rubbish in the bin dishes in kitchen and dirty clothes in basket. It's the case of in the earlier relationship days he was the one cooking me dinner and cleaning showering every day now he stopped everything and sits in the dark sleeps for days either on couch or closes himself in bedroom for days. He lives pay check to pay check because he blows his money, he talks of wanting a family and buying a house but he can't seem to take responsibility and take action. I feel like this whole post is a negative whinge, that at times we are like best friends, but he never wants sex anymore, it's been since before Easter, he says he doesn't feel loved and like he's an object, to me that's just weird. Mostly I sleep in spare room because it feels like just house mates with no intimacy and it's hard to respect someone when you feel like their mother. Problem is he can also be so nice and write love notes and hug all night and can do things together and have fun, then he gets moody and all the negatives come out. He doesn't have a great upbringing or family, and I believe he wants a better life for himself, but I can't fix him, is it worth persevering? Is he just emotionally damaged and not much point? It's ruining my self respect as I feel I deserve more respect. I changed my job to move in with him and now I love my new job I don't want to move back home and quit this job and leave my new friends. I know he can be a better man but I can't even have a mature conversation with him without him shutting down or walking out then ignoring me for days.
Arkisha Green Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Hi Meg82, you have to know him better. You have to know his need to bring back the intimacy you've been longing for. Initiate using words of request instead of demand. Good luck!
Author Meg82 Posted October 4, 2016 Author Posted October 4, 2016 Thank you for your reply, I understand what you're saying and believe me I try! I've tried space I've communicating in writing. Biggest barrier is I can't get him to communicate, I don't know what he needs when he wont communicate and shuts down and runs away literally into a room or leaves house for days, I now haven't seen or heard from him since Sunday, by our age that isn't mature communication when you live together. He talks about what he wants in life, a family a house and all, he says he's waiting for someone to kick him in the backside to do it. To me, that says not taking responsibility for himself, he earns 3 times as much as me and lives pay check to pay check. I just feel life shouldn't be this hard with someone when basic courtesy and communication isn't there
basil67 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Meg, I was reading about how he deals with fights and thought about how I'd leave someone who did this to me. Then I keep reading and the story just got worse and worse. He's sounds like scum. I have no idea why you're still there, so perhaps try this task to find clarity: imagine someone who you greatly care about wrote this. She might be your daughter or best friend. Would you advise her to stay in such a relationship? Would you advise her to stay around for the potential which most likely will never be reached? What did your counsellor say about this relationship? 2
Toodaloo Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Meg. Been there done that. Time for you to move on. It doesn't get better. It just gets worse. Leave. He doesn't give two damns about you even if you care about him. Leave. 4
Arieswoman Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Meg82, You are living with an ignorant, irresponsible, violent, slob with anger management issues. Why ?? 5
Gaeta Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 When you need to take anxiety pills just to deal with the brutality, in-sensitiveness, pig ways of the man you live with it's time to terminate this relationship. Why are you with this thing you call a boyfriend? 3
Toodaloo Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Meg82, You are living with an ignorant, irresponsible, violent, slob with anger management issues. Why ?? I can answer this. Meg probably doesn't realise why yet... because she is still in the wrong "phase" of this. It probably started off slowly. I would imagine she thought he was a really "nice" guy to start with and it slowly got worse over time with out her noticing much. Classic gas lighting. It was probably small things that eventually grew as he relaxed and let his true self show and she carried on trying. Now she is putting in all the effort for both of them thinking that it is something she did wrong or that it is her fault somehow that he is like this. She will continue to back down and try to appease him all the time and all the while she is doing that she will continue to lose all sense of self, let alone self respect. Then something drastic will happen that will make her realise that all of this was simply a very unsubtle hint that while she may be living with this man, she is in fact on her own, because he is not going to support her or love her or care about her day to day let alone when she really needs it and needs him to step up. When it happens he will leave her on her own then probably make her feel guilty for needing him. When she finally plucks up the courage to leave she will be sad. It will be a bit like shell shock. She will not quite know what to do with herself and she will be a bit lost. Then the realisation that she is free and that it is going to be OK and that she is not the worthless piece of s*** he treats her will hit and she will start to feel happy and confident and content again... She will be confused for a while and then realise that he is in fact just a lazy, selfish, arrogant, violent slob and that she is in fact better off with out him. Because it really is that basic and simple. She had just made it so much more in her efforts to believe that he is a good man and that he is worth all this effort. She will probably feel bit of a fool for a while too. She will start to read and learn how to avoid this again and she will be a stronger and happier woman for it. The choices she makes in men will start to get better again and she will be happy. Meg. Leave.
Author Meg82 Posted October 4, 2016 Author Posted October 4, 2016 Toodaloo you are totally correct. I feel in the lost broken have no options stage, I feel like I want the happy good times back where that nice man was but I feel disrespected, most fights stem from me trying to stand up for myself and say I deserve better, then it's my fault I'm needy. I was a strong confident woman, I'm well educated top of my uni degree with a good job, now I love my job I don't want to have to move back to other side of town, I don't have enough money behind me to get my own place as my money pays a lot of his share of bills too. I deserve better and it saddens me how obvious it is to see that he couldn't care less about my feelings and will never be there for me. Thank you
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 You can afford to sleep on a friend's couch for a few week can't you? or ask for a loan from family? You are not responsible for his bills, he is a grown man and he needs to harden up. You can do this, you can leave. There are many women that leave with no money, no job and a baby on their hip. 2
Arieswoman Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Sorry Meg but you aren't making sense I don't have enough money behind me to get my own place as my money pays a lot of his share of bills too. So stop paying his bills ffs - make him take responsibility and sits in the dark sleeps for days either on couch or closes himself in bedroom for days. So he doesn't go to work then? Do you want a man in your life or a child? - because it looks like you've got the latter. I don't want to have to move back to other side of town Why would you have to do that? Move out and rent a bedsit/one-room place for starters. Can't a friend rent you a room? Where where you living before you moved in with this guy - you must have stayed somewhere? And ask yourself what a university graduate is doing with a drop-out who's just dragging them down. You need to get out of this destructive association and fast 1
Gaeta Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 I don't have enough money behind me to get my own place as my money pays a lot of his share of bills too. I deserve better and it saddens me how obvious it is to see that he couldn't care less about my feelings and will never be there for me. Thank you Get out. Go to your mom, or a sibling, or a friend. You are working, you have a pay check coming in, you'll only need 1 month to fall back on your feet. Tell your therapist you want to leave and need support, she'll dig out a support group for you. You only have yourself to worry about. Every day women leave bad relationships with only their clothes on their back. Stop the excuses. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Toodaloo you are totally correct. I feel in the lost broken have no options stage, I feel like I want the happy good times back where that nice man was but I feel disrespected, most fights stem from me trying to stand up for myself and say I deserve better, then it's my fault I'm needy. I was a strong confident woman, I'm well educated top of my uni degree with a good job, now I love my job I don't want to have to move back to other side of town, I don't have enough money behind me to get my own place as my money pays a lot of his share of bills too. I deserve better and it saddens me how obvious it is to see that he couldn't care less about my feelings and will never be there for me. Thank you I know I am correct because I have been there. Difference is it was my house he moved into and trashed. I stayed and tried harder and harder. Took my dying and him walking away, knowing I was dead and that the doctors were trying to revive me, to see it... And yeah it was my fault. I ruined his paint balling weekend because my dying made him late and he wouldn't have bothered stopping by the hospital if he had known I wasn't even going to be conscience... By the way here is all my dirty gear it needs to be cleaned and get out of the way of the TV... Rent a room or house share or something and start fresh with your new job. Sit down and quietly think about it and work it all out then leave. Just leave. Life gets a whole lot better and it starts as soon as you get away from men like this. Just leave. I thought I would be broke when he went but I actually ended up being more financially secure and better off! I had money to go out and do really fun things which I didn't have before! It was great! It was liberating! It was the best bloody thing I have ever done!!! Just leave. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 (edited) Hi, I feel at a loss in my relationship and I barely know how to explain what the concerns are as I almost don't understand myself. Short history, we've been dating for almost 2 years and have been living together officially since January this year. While we don't do as many activities together or outings as I'd like, we've always been able to talk for hours and were like best friends and lovers in one and felt very comfortable together. We reached a stage even before we moved in together that we'd fight a lot, over insignificant issues that sometimes the next morning I can't even remember what it started over, only that the fights got out of hand and everything gets brought up and nasty comments. I understood that I can't change him I can only control and change my behaviour and sought counselling and anti anxiety medication, it has helped me a lot fights are significantly more under control, issue is I'm calm and he's still fighting, he yells breaks things storms out of house often disappearing all night ignores texts and calls. I'm at the stage where I don't text or call and he stays out all night. I am quite confident that he's not cheating that he disappears to a friends house or blows his money at the pub on the pokies. I am someone who doesn't like drama and if there is an issue just say what it is deal with it and move forward, he can hold a grudge for days and weeks. My long term issues are now I feel that I am his mother, he lives like a slob barely showering, leaves dishes and rubbish all through the house, dirty clothes everywhere. I'm no obsessive neat freak but I can't live in that mess, I've only asked put your rubbish in the bin dishes in kitchen and dirty clothes in basket. It's the case of in the earlier relationship days he was the one cooking me dinner and cleaning showering every day now he stopped everything and sits in the dark sleeps for days either on couch or closes himself in bedroom for days. He lives pay check to pay check because he blows his money, he talks of wanting a family and buying a house but he can't seem to take responsibility and take action. I feel like this whole post is a negative whinge, that at times we are like best friends, but he never wants sex anymore, it's been since before Easter, he says he doesn't feel loved and like he's an object, to me that's just weird. Mostly I sleep in spare room because it feels like just house mates with no intimacy and it's hard to respect someone when you feel like their mother. Problem is he can also be so nice and write love notes and hug all night and can do things together and have fun, then he gets moody and all the negatives come out. He doesn't have a great upbringing or family, and I believe he wants a better life for himself, but I can't fix him, is it worth persevering? Is he just emotionally damaged and not much point? It's ruining my self respect as I feel I deserve more respect. I changed my job to move in with him and now I love my new job I don't want to move back home and quit this job and leave my new friends. I know he can be a better man but I can't even have a mature conversation with him without him shutting down or walking out then ignoring me for days. What you have is a parent/child dynamic rather than a romantic relationship. Send him home to his mom so she can finish the job she started. Tell him you want to end the relationship because there is no shared effort or demonstration of forward thinking and planning on his part and insufficient communication between you for you to feel comfortable enough about YOUR future and whether or not YOUR life goals can be reached with him as your partner. Pick up the phone today, find a place to stay and do what needs to be done as soon as possible and stop stringing yourself along. It's ruining my self respect as I feel I deserve more respect. -- YOU DO, so start giving it to YOURSELF instead of waiting for him to do it. This is the root of the situation with him -- he does not respect you, his home or himself. he says he doesn't feel loved and like he's an object -- that is deflecting and shifting blame to you . . . If you really do love him and want to see him do better for himself, you will be doing him a favor by removing his "crutch". I believe he wants a better life for himself -- And, the evidence to support your belief is what???? Because he says it once in a while? He doesn't have a great upbringing or family, and I believe he wants a better life for himself, but I can't fix him, is it worth persevering? -- It's not your job to fix him . . . you are not his mother and HE has to want to be "fixed" and he needs to do that for himself and on his own. He has failed the "test drive" for a future with you . . . take the keys to the car away from him and drive yourself to a place of peace, clarity and strength. Make a plan for yourself today for moving out and forward. Better yet, ask him to leave . . . tell him you will buy a refrigerator so he can have the box to live in since that's the way he treats his home. Edited October 4, 2016 by Redhead14
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