For all the dudes online who are just looking for nookie

October 6, 2016

Well AMJ, there are a lot of weirdos on OLD period. When I had my profile up I got my share of emails from women who were "separated" with 3 kids low level of education and hardly any income who clearly were looking for a guy to support them. No thank you.

I'd say anyone who does OLD should expect a good 80% of the people who contact them to be completely wrong for them. So if you are asking why you are getting wet, it's because it's raining everywhere.

lol. Fair enough....speaking of rain, this whole post is like one big rain cloud...

20 guys is an awful lot to talk to at once. I mean, I think the objective is to go from the site to text to phone to meeting up as quickly as possible, and that is tough to do when you have 20 guys.

But, out of that 20, surely there is one decent guy in there right? Maybe you can get a couple you are friends with to help you weed them down?

The only real way to not talk to so many at once is just to be more selective from the start. Which, since I already know I seem to pick the "wrong guys" I give just about anyone a chance. Because I don't really know who the "right guys" are. I really don't. Every one who turned out to be a "wrong guy" started out looking like a super great guy.

By "tend and befriend" (I heard the term somewhere once, can't remember where, maybe it is a bit of a misnomer) I mean you spend a lot of emotional energy trying to figure out the weirdos ('why did this guy do x?'). Many people who do this end up getting sucked into being involved with (befriending so to speak) said weirdos.

When I looked this up it was like- women process stress through social interaction. I thought, yeah...that's true, that's why we like to complain to each other all the time about things. I just didn't get how that was holding me back in life.

Likewise goes for women too though, right? It's much easier to meet someone to date when more people in our social circles are also single. However, it's no guaranteed ticket for happiness, you just have to read the misery in the "Separation/Divorce" "Other Man/Woman", or "Infidelity" subforums to see that.

Not really. Most women I know pursued relationships like their life depended on it from the time they were 16.

Well actually, no.

We keep options open when we haven't met someone whom we'd be really excited about dating exclusively (and who feels likewise about us). Most men, even most "relationship-oriented" men, don't just say it's time to get coupled up and settle for the next decent woman they meet.

I believe women who do OLD approach it the same way though. I mean, they are looking for chemistry and butterflies too, and not just a decent guy. You agree with this?

I agree. I kind of thought this was common sense. I don't expect or even want a relationship from every guy I date, or every guy I decide to have sex with. So I think lots of guys just say "I don't want a relationship!" because they think women are blood hungry for insta-commitment. It's presumptuous!

October 6, 2016

That's true but, if one person already knows it's not going anywhere, they owe it to the other person to say so before sex happens. That's just being decent.
Especially if you can tell that sex means something significant to the other person.

Well, but the problems with this are (a) you aren't sure whether or not it is going somewhere, and (b) we can't "tell" whether sex means something significant to the other person. (As said time and time again on here, we aren't mind readers, and people get themselves into huge problems when they assume the other party CAN read minds.)

This is a possible scenario for sex happening (in fact, this is an actual date of mine from a few years ago). We meet up to go hiking. We seem to be getting along well. I suggest we get something to eat. We are both gross from hiking so we get take-out and eat outside. We're really enjoying each other's company. I walk her back to her place, it's dark, she asks me if I want to come upstairs for a bit. We look at some of her pictures and drink some wine. It's getting late so she offers for me to "stay the night if I want".

Even though I am still deciding how I feel about her (we only met earlier that day and I did have a crush on someone at my gym), I stay and we have sex. See, I am quite attracted to my date and sleeping with her sounds awesome. Also, I've dated enough to understand that if I decline the offer, SHE likely will feel rejected and I'll never see the girl again*. Anyway, I stay and we both have a great time.

We didn't end up becoming exclusive though. What ended up happening was that after a few weeks of dating, SHE decided we weren't a match. So rejection after sex happens both ways.

*This is a key point by the way. If a woman holds off on sex because she needs to see what a guy's intentions are, then the guy gets this, unless he is complete jackass in which case you are better off without him. However, If a GUY turns down or doesn't pursue sex with a women he started seeing, there is quite a chance that the woman will feel rejected and not want to see him again (unless PERHAPS he has a clear moral or religious reason).

October 6, 2016

Maybe more women should ask a guy his intentions before she jumps into bed with him. That works better than assuming he thinks as she does, and then blaming him when he does not.

Good advice, as long as he's straightforward.

Still, sleeping with a man after 3 dates shows that a woman is ok with casual sex or hookups as much as sleeping with a woman after 3 dates shows that a man is interested in a relationship with her. It doesn't.

October 6, 2016

If that woman is coming to my place and showing me she wants to get laid by date 3, without me telling her that I am interested in a relationship with her, then she is either ok with casual sex, or she is naive. If she is not ok with casual sex, she should make sure her relationship is more than casual before having sex.

She may indeed be naive. Many are.

October 6, 2016

So, I keep reading this idea and I've been ignoring it but I can't ignore it any longer. I'm not trying to stomp out all casual sex. And I fully take ownership of my actions, and my decisions, about what I do, who I have sex with and when. And that's not really what I was trying to talk about here.

What I meant for this to be about, is that it does not feel great when men make assumptions or have expectations that I'm okay with having sex with them, or sexting, even before I know them at all. It feels cheap and degrading. Personally I think it's rude and lacking of common sense and decency.

In trying to understand why this keeps happening, I'm hoping to figure out how to avoid it.

I'm not talking about going out with a guy, having a good time, and then deciding to have sex with him that night or the next Tuesday. Who cares about that? That's all fine and normal.

October 6, 2016

Well, but the problems with this are (a) you aren't sure whether or not it is going somewhere, and (b) we can't "tell" whether sex means something significant to the other person. (As said time and time again on here, we aren't mind readers, and people get themselves into huge problems when they assume the other party CAN read minds.)

This is a possible scenario for sex happening (in fact, this is an actual date of mine from a few years ago). We meet up to go hiking. We seem to be getting along well. I suggest we get something to eat. We are both gross from hiking so we get take-out and eat outside. We're really enjoying each other's company. I walk her back to her place, it's dark, she asks me if I want to come upstairs for a bit. We look at some of her pictures and drink some wine. It's getting late so she offers for me to "stay the night if I want".

Even though I am still deciding how I feel about her (we only met earlier that day and I did have a crush on someone at my gym), I stay and we have sex. See, I am quite attracted to my date and sleeping with her sounds awesome. Also, I've dated enough to understand that if I decline the offer, SHE likely will feel rejected and I'll never see the girl again*. Anyway, I stay and we both have a great time.

We didn't end up becoming exclusive though. What ended up happening was that after a few weeks of dating, SHE decided we weren't a match. So rejection after sex happens both ways.

*This is a key point by the way. If a woman holds off on sex because she needs to see what a guy's intentions are, then the guy gets this, unless he is complete jackass in which case you are better off without him. However, If a GUY turns down or doesn't pursue sex with a women he started seeing, there is quite a chance that the woman will feel rejected and not want to see him again (unless PERHAPS he has a clear moral or religious reason).

I don't see anything wrong with this. And I agree that's a double standard against men, if you reject us or fail to progress things sexually, we will never forgive you.

October 6, 2016

So, I keep reading this idea and I've been ignoring it but I can't ignore it any longer. I'm not trying to stomp out all casual sex. And I fully take ownership of my actions, and my decisions, about what I do, who I have sex with and when. And that's not really what I was trying to talk about here.

What I meant for this to be about, is that it does not feel great when men make assumptions or have expectations that I'm okay with having sex with them, or sexting, even before I know them at all. It feels cheap and degrading. Personally I think it's rude and lacking of common sense and decency.
In trying to understand why this keeps happening, I'm hoping to figure out how to avoid it.

You can avoid it entirely by not using OLD.

Otherwise, I think women just get wise to it and block, block, block.

October 7, 2016

Maybe more women should ask a guy his intentions before she jumps into bed with him. That works better than assuming he thinks as she does, and then blaming him when he does not.

Correct me if I am wrong but I feel like there are two scenarios where this is concerned:

There is the guy that will hide it because he knows it's game over if he tells you off the bat "I just want sex no strings attached"

And then there is the guy that wants a relationship but once he sleeps with the woman for whatever reason decides this isn't what I thought it was or want.

What's the point in a woman asking him are you looking for just sex because I am not? In both instances she could end up with the same outcome even while knowing in scenario two that he is claiming he does want a relationship.

Having been a dating woman for over 20 years now I can tell you that the only way to gage a man's intentions is through time and actions. Talk is cheap and no amount of early questions can secure his intentions.

It's like saying you should ask a guy after two months "do you think you want to get married, because that is what I want" He can't answer that honestly.

I feel the only time you could ask a guy and get an honest answer would be if he either has no game or has a hard time getting dates, in which case he will likely be more than happy to stick around no matter how soon or how much you give him too soon.

Edited October 7, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

October 7, 2016

Maybe more women should ask a guy his intentions before she jumps into bed with him. That works better than assuming he thinks as she does, and then blaming him when he does not.

True. I always ask and surprisingly, they are truthful.

October 7, 2016

Correct me if I am wrong but I feel like there are two scenarios where this is concerned:

There is the guy that will hide it because he knows it's game over if he tells you off the bat "I just want sex no strings attached"

And then there is the guy that wants a relationship but once he sleeps with the woman for whatever reason decides this isn't what I thought it was or want.

There is a third scenario.

The guy that tells a woman he wants "no strings attached," or "casual," but after meeting her, and/or going out on a couple of dates with her, realizes he really digs her and wants a RL with her.

Which is precisely what happened to me when I first met my ex.

Although he didn't say it right off and I didn't ask either (see my previous post for more on that).

It was only like months later that he told me that since he had just gotten out of a LTR a few months prior, he was only looking for casual when he met me.

But after a couple of dates, he realized he wanted more.

That is why IMO it's best NOT to say anything and no point in asking either.

Cause no matter what you think you want initially, that could all change once you meet, have a few dates and spend time together.

ETA: Sex happened for us the first night we met!

Edited October 7, 2016 by katiegrl

October 7, 2016

I have to agree with your entire post Katiegirl, and you are correct there was a third scenario thanks for pointing that out. But at least in your case he was just out for sex, he didn't want commitment since he was fresh out a relationship but there is a second category of guys that want to date and nothing serious but aren't exclusively looking for sex and buh-bye, they want to hang out and do things together and have sex.

I never ask a guy what he wants early on, it's pointless, he isn't going to tell me I am asking you out because I want to sleep with you at the end of the night. I figure it out by dating him.

October 7, 2016

In many cases, it is dumb for a guy to come right out and say this is what he wants. Like AMJ pointed out, women will find it disrespectful.

that's why I don't ask, sooner or later I'll know.

I agree with you to an extent, but I also think that most guys are honest about their intentions, even if they aren't open about them.

I dont get that how could you be honest if you aren't open?

Why can't he answer it honestly? If a girl I am dating asked me this, I would tell her the truth; that I am open to the idea of getting married one day, and we will see where things go.

Because the question isn't "are you wanting marriage" the question would be "are you wanting marriage with me" He could be honest that in that moment it feels like it could go that way but at 2 months who even knows how you both will feel one year down the line when you really know each other. It's pointless to ask those things early on. Of course if you ask if marriage is something they would like in a general sense and he says no I am never getting married and that is what you want then perhaps you are not a good match.

So, you don't have respect for guys who are honest with you?

How did you come to that conclusion? No, I respect honest people, like everyone else.

October 7, 2016

But at least in your case he was just out for sex,

Sorry I meant at least in your case he "wasn't" necessarily...

October 7, 2016

The honest guy will tell you his intentions towards you when you ask him. The open guy will offer the information without you having to ask. You can also be open without being honest. A guy could tell you his intentions towards you before you ask, but he is full of crap.

I see what you mean, fair enough.

I wouldn't say it's pointless. What if a guy is totally against the concept of marriage? That might be worth knowing 2 months in before you invest more time in him, if marriage is important to you anyway.

Read my previous post, I don't think you did we are both saying the same thing. That isn't what I proposed in the example I gave. If marriage were important to me of course I would ask if that was something he is open to or would like. I just wouldn't ask him two months in "do you want to marry me" Just like I wouldn't ask a guy "do you just want to hit it and quit it" I'll know well before it happens if that is all that he wants, and if we do end up eventually sleeping together and he still disappears then that's his right, we are dating and there are no guarantees.

Just like in OLD, I don't need to know that a guy 10 years younger than me hitting on me online who states openly in his profile he is looking to date but nothing serious means he is only looking for sex. So I wouldn't entertain dating him. Actions. It's all about the actions.

There are variables and exceptions but you can generally tell. I am rarely wrong. And every time I take my time to pace my dating someone, I know sooner or later what his intentions are. I don't have a crystal ball, I am just smart about how I date. And don't bank on too much too soon because I understand that dating is risky.

October 7, 2016

So, I keep reading this idea and I've been ignoring it but I can't ignore it any longer. I'm not trying to stomp out all casual sex. And I fully take ownership of my actions, and my decisions, about what I do, who I have sex with and when. And that's not really what I was trying to talk about here.

What I meant for this to be about, is that it does not feel great when men make assumptions or have expectations that I'm okay with having sex with them, or sexting, even before I know them at all. It feels cheap and degrading. Personally I think it's rude and lacking of common sense and decency.
In trying to understand why this keeps happening, I'm hoping to figure out how to avoid it.

I'm not talking about going out with a guy, having a good time, and then deciding to have sex with him that night or the next Tuesday. Who cares about that? That's all fine and normal.

There is no assumption men see an attractive woman they want to have sex with her. Wanting and getting it are not the same. Most men see a Hollywood actress, model, would like to do her real bad but know they have no shot so they do not bother to get some action from them.

Knowing they have no shot does not stop them from wanting them or say liking the idea of that it would be nice to bed them. Like Power Ball, everyone wants to win though they realize that the odds are against them, big time.

The men that find you attractive all want to have sex with you.

All would want sex with you on the first date.

Some will just want sex and will try for it on the first date.

Some will just want sex with you and put in the three dates to get it, then dump you.

Some will just want sex with you and just see you as someone that would be fun to date as BF and GF and continue to have sex with.

Some will see you as potential wife material and will want to pursue a relationship with you as BF and GF and see where the relationship goes. They want sex ASAP but will wait till you are ready for they are looking to being with you long term.

Some will be in the like the paragraph above but will be happy with everything but intercourse if you want to wait until you are married.

As with the mere mortal average woman that you are because men desire you does not mean they assume you will put out easily.

Whether you were to be easy or willing to die a virgin does not enter the man's mind. There are no assumptions. It's all about finding you attractive and what type of relationship that they are looking for.

The man that just wants to hit it once and is gone will make his move fast for he is there short term gain and does not care if he gets turned down.

To the man that will wait until the wedding day. He wants to bone you just as bad but his goal is long term.

Then those men that fall in between.

October 7, 2016

There is the guy that will hide it because he knows it's game over if he tells you off the bat "I just want sex no strings attached"

This particular phrase I do have a problem with. because WTF does no strings attached actually mean?

It means, I want you, when I want you, and only when I want you, only when it's convenient for me. I don't want to be accountable for anything, at all.

This is the worst type of casual FB relationship. Only truly selfish people say things like that.

October 7, 2016

^ From the horse's mouth.

(By no means am I calling "you" a horse, road) < said no one ever!

October 7, 2016

It means, I want you, when I want you, and only when I want you, only when it's convenient for me. I don't want to be accountable for anything, at all.

This is the worst type of casual FB relationship. Only truly selfish people say things like that.

Ya! That's by definition what a FWB is. It isn't an "I'll sex you and then we can hang" "I'll sex you, call me and we can do a painting class next week" "I'll sex you, and I'll call you in the morning and ask you out to dinner later in the weeK"

It is precisely what you described. A selfish, transactional act. FWB is for people that can take all the emotion and intellectual connection away from sex and still enjoy it. It's mechanical, and selfish, and self serving and to be done when and if the person feels like it. "Who's in?"

Byyyyye!

EDIT: previous post was in reference to Road's post sorry if that doesn't make sense now

October 7, 2016

As with the mere mortal average woman that you are because men desire you does not mean they assume you will put out easily.

Whether you were to be easy or willing to die a virgin does not enter the man's mind. There are no assumptions. It's all about finding you attractive and what type of relationship that they are looking for.

Who says I'm average? just kidding.

I dunno, I think all people make assumptions. Guys assume that all gorgeous woman are taken, and have had many sexual partners because, lots of men desire them. They assume that women who are curvy are more sexual than women who are stick skinny. And women who dress more provocatively are more game for casual sex than women who dress conservatively.

Women make all the similar assumptions about men. People assume, we judge. That's what we do.

October 7, 2016

Your family sounds fantastic

I wonder if the person who invented smartphones thought of how their groundbreaking invention would degenerate dating forever into a tit/dic pic trading scheme when they were engineering them?

Just worries me as the 14 yr old is no longer 14 and has gone off to uni now...

Also my grandmother (very strict catholic) has figured out these phones better than I have and she loves going through my pictures to see what I have been doing!!! I don't mind her seeing the Golden Eagle that dropped into the office the other day or pictures of steel structures or timbers, silly selfies with friends etc but when you then get a penis pop up in there or worse a series of various willies in various states... She is fairly open minded all things considered but there is a breaking point!!!

October 7, 2016

If that woman is coming to my place and showing me she wants to get laid by date 3, without me telling her that I am interested in a relationship with her, then she is either ok with casual sex, or she is naive. If she is not ok with casual sex, she should make sure her relationship is more than casual before having sex.

So you are basically saying that unless a woman has "the where are we in this relationship" conversation, which is a complete killer in my experience, then you using her for sex is perfectly alright?

No Enigma. You may not be telling fibs to these women but you are with holding the truth... Which in this case is just as bad.

How many times have YOU brought up the subject before having sex with them? I bet that is one you avoid... after all if you were honest with many of these women you would not be getting as much sex...

That is really devious and deceitful behavior. You know it and I know it. Using the old "but we didn't have the conversation" excuse doesn't cut it I am afraid. All you have shown is a complete lack of empathy and consideration for other human beings...

October 7, 2016

People assume, we judge. That's what we do.

We have a saying in the building trade... Assumption is the mother of all f*** ups...

October 7, 2016

"If that woman is coming to my place and showing me she wants to get laid by date 3, without me telling her that I am interested in a relationship with her, then she is either ok with casual sex, or she is naive. If she is not ok with casual sex, she should make sure her relationship is more than casual before having sex."

I fully agree with this. Three dates is casual and shows you are into casual hook-ups. It isn't the guy's job to reassure a woman that sex will turn into more after a mere three dates. You are both adults, the implication is you are both engaging freely and knowingly of what you are doing.

October 7, 2016

O
First of all, why are you going through all of the trouble of online dating just to have sex with random people? That's what bars are for. It doesn't get much simpler than going out on Friday night, buying some drinks, dancing awkwardly with a woman who's also had some drinks, and then going home to have sex.

I am not going to answer anything else because I am happily married and I have never used online dating but the above in bold can be classified as rape with today laws... I would not feel very inclined to have drunk sex with a girl I just met anymore as she can turn next day and accuse me of rape.

October 7, 2016

Using her for sex? No. Sex is a two way street. We are both having sex, so there is no using involved. See my quote below. Nowhere do I mention lying to women about my intentions. Nowhere did I say anything about sending explicit messages to women. Nowhere do I mention pushing sex on a girl. Your post just makes you sound like you are bitter because a couple guys hooked up with you, but didn't want to take things further.

"If that woman is coming to my place and showing me she wants to get laid by date 3, without me telling her that I am interested in a relationship with her, then she is either ok with casual sex, or she is naive. If she is not ok with casual sex, she should make sure her relationship is more than casual before having sex."

So women are stupid if they do not have a conversation with you to ask you why you are dating them... Right. Gottcha.

You didn't answer my question. Do YOU ever bring up that "what are we" conversation or do you just treat them as though they are stupid because they believe that you have an interest in them other than sex because you also use them for entertainment rather than sit in front of the TV...

You are avoiding my question. Its all very good and well claiming that if they do not ask then it is their own fault for assuming that you actually want to date them or have an interest in them.

But what do YOU do to ensure that they are in fact OK with casual sex?

With holding information like that is just as bad as telling fibs. Its deceiving them and given the full facts I bet most you have slept with would not have done so.

That is like sleeping with someone when you know you have an STD but saying that is OK because obviously they were OK with it or they would have asked if you had one first.

You are making excuses for your own really bad behaviour here... I don't know what is worse. That you behave so badly or that you in your own mind consider it perfectly acceptable to use people like this and then continue on to try and manipulate the situation so that you come out as the "good guy".

Men like you are the reason why so many others really great men struggle and get no where. You are the reason why so many women start with holding sex and affection. You are the reason why many fantastic and wonderful women simply take themselves off the market and remain alone.

You purposefully destroy the trust in those you "date"/ "casually shag with out their knowledge that that is all it is" so you can poke your penis into some strange and not have to bother paying for it.

Like it or not - that is EXACTLY what you are doing. You may wish to pretty it up and pass the buck and the blame onto others but that is EXACTLY what you are doing.

Sex is a two way street which is why each party involved in the act should behave appropriately and treat their partners with dignity and grace. Neither of which you are doing before you go on to blame these women for being naive because you can't just open your mouth and be honest.

Time to take responsibility for your actions. You are treating these women despicably.

Sign In

For all the dudes online who are just looking for nookie

Recommended Posts

AMJ

Imajerk17

xxoo

xxoo

AMJ

AMJ

xxoo

Sunkissedpatio

Popsicle

katiegrl

Sunkissedpatio

Sunkissedpatio

Sunkissedpatio

Sunkissedpatio

road

AMJ

Sunkissedpatio

Sunkissedpatio

AMJ

Toodaloo

Toodaloo

Toodaloo

Sunkissedpatio

fenix

Toodaloo

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...