For all the dudes online who are just looking for nookie

October 5, 2016

Do guys really say that? I can't believe he would say that in your first super-brief conversation. Not criticizing you at all, but as a guy, that's super weak. Sounds like he has nothing to say and no one to say it too. I don't care if the dude was the best looking guy on the planet and only looking for sex, you have to at least build anticipation. He sounds as smooth as sandpaper.

Thank you! Everyone always tells me to be more open minded and give more guys a chance, but in doing so I just end up dealing with this BS.

October 5, 2016

I know this doesn't answer the original question, but a guy who's being honest may well mean "I just want to have sex" if he specifies that he's not looking for "anything serious." A woman may say the same thing but mean something totally different; for example, she wants a man to hang out with, hiking partner (per another recent thread here), or to accompany her to functions and share some companionship. Big misunderstandings can result.

Back to the OP - no, OLD is not too much trouble to try to find nookie. If a guy can at least get to the first meeting, he feels that some progress has been made. Approaching online is easy and relatively painless for many people; if this one doesn't work out, there are still about 100 more you can try in your area. Easier on the ego, and for the chance of getting to meet her one on one than approaching in a bar.

October 5, 2016

To be honest, I have no idea. I've never tried this out before. I certainly wouldn't recommend this approach, no matter what a guy is looking for. Bringing up having sex before it's clear you both even like each other.... It just seems so... not smooth. The way I always thought it worked is you meet up (either it be via cold-approaching someone OR from online), you see if there is chemistry, and then you suggest going someplace else.

Maybe being so upfront like this ensures that the guy doesn't waste too much time w women who aren't DTF?

Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. Part of it is the nature of OLD--many women have reported that it is tough to meet a good guy.

ETA: On the long profile versus shorter profile, I'm not talking about knowing the other person's whole life story before a single email was exchanged. But if someone just puts down a paragraph full of the usual cliches, then what do you have to go by. There ARE guys online who are looking for relationships with the right woman. I know women struggling to meet the right guy HATE being told that it may be their picker that is causing them problems, but it may indeed be the case here.

I think I definitely pick the wrong guys. I always have.

October 5, 2016

Because it takes a certain type of person who thinks that they are more "special" than everyone else, that someone would want to spend a longer amount of time reading their profile than the many many other profiles we have to read through.
You think- how much time does a regular person spend on a dating app each day? And how many profiles are they looking through, so how much time will they spend looking at each profile? So most people write a short paragraph about themselves. And then every now and then you come across someone who writes three long, or five long paragraphs about where they grew up, where they went to college, what year their favorite dog died, why they love baseball more than football, followed by a shopping list of very specific qualities that their ideal mate has, and what she should be looking for in life....

That's just exhausting. High-maintenance and self-centered. People who like to hear themselves talk and think that the world is dying to know everything about them because they are so special.

Wow! That's the impression you get from a long well written profile? My experience is that if a guy has taken the time to write a snapshot of who he is and what he is looking for in at least two paragraphs I'm already partly interested above and beyond his pictures. I have the time to read profiles because I weed out losers, sexers, and guys who are trolling for hook-ups that way. 9/10 Guys I talk to who have taken the time to write profiles are articulate, great conversationalists, know how to build up chemistry and are not coming across like they are there to hook up.

On the other hand, the once sentence dude "just checking this out"who is banking all his online attention on women getting "wet" by his pics alone, guaranteed is there to get laid.

Do you know that apps like Tinder where you just swipe swipe swipe to find love and go into catalogue shopping mode, actually uses a different part of the brain to process what you are doing? So you are no longer looking for love with another human being, according to how your brain interprets what you are doing, you might as well be shopping for shoes "no, no, no, no,too expensive, I don't like that heel, those are too pointy....etc" Sound familiar?

That's why so many are dissapointed by OLD, there are human beings behind those profiles not commodities. Reading someone's profile and expressing a little about yourself is as close as it gets to meeting someone organically.

You may want to rethink your attitude about reading profiles, and that might weed out some of the "I'm great in bed" freaks What a desperate loser. Byyyyyyyeeee

October 5, 2016

You may want to rethink your attitude about reading profiles.

Or maybe take a long break from OLD in general.

If it's causing this much apprehension, suspicion and distrust.... yeah time for a break.

Join meet ups, do volunteer work, you are in CA, heck just get out and about, concerts and things and you are bound to meet LOTS of men.

I am in CA too (southern). I live downtown.

I always meet guys when out and about on a Saturday or Sunday.

They are ALL over!

Just smile, look approachable, chat with people (men and women), be happy, and it will happen.

Since my break up, that is how I met virtually all the the guys I have dated.

With the exception of one who works in my office building. He walked me home one night and we started dating after that.

Get off OLD for now AMJ. That is my advice.

The way you feel now... no good can become of it.

Edited October 5, 2016 by katiegrl

October 5, 2016

Or maybe take a long break from OLD in general.

If it's causing this much apprehension, suspicion and distrust.... yeah time for a break.

Join meet ups, do volunteer work, you are in CA, heck just get out and about, concerts and things and you are bound to meet LOTS of men.

I am in CA too (southern). I live downtown.

I always meet guys when out and about on a Saturday or Sunday.

They are ALL over!

Just smile, look approachable, chat with people (men and women), be happy, and it will happen.

Since my break up, that is how I met virtually all the the guys I have dated.

With the exception of one who works in my office building. He walked me home one night and we started dating after that.

Get off OLD for now AMJ. That is my advice.

The way you feel now... no good can become of it.

I know what you mean about being breezy and not caring about what happens. I was exactly like that all during my 20s. Meanwhile my friends' main priority was getting married. My priority was myself. Now, they are married, and I have myself

I don't think OLD is the only way to meet men, and the majority of relationships I've had didn't start from OLD. I do take breaks from OLD, all the time.

I would be apprehensive about a guy I met at a coffee shop or a park or a concert or whatever, if he hit on me and then immediately mentioned that he doesn't want anything serious but wants to have sex with me, tonight. lol.

And I can't get off OLD now, there are a bunch of guys I'm talking to! Maybe one of them will be normal.

Edited October 5, 2016 by AMJ

October 5, 2016

I would be apprehensive about a guy I met at a coffee shop or a park or a concert or whatever, if he hit on me and then immediately mentioned that he doesn't want anything serious but wants to have sex with me, tonight. lol.

I would, too.

If he's saying that when setting up a date, he's asking for a hook up. Clearly.

October 5, 2016

I would be apprehensive about a guy I met at a coffee shop or a park or a concert or whatever, if he hit on me and then immediately mentioned that he doesn't want anything serious but wants to have sex with me, tonight. lol.

Okay well that is a bit more info than what you posted in your original thread. Or maybe I missed it, and if so, apologies.

Did NOT know these guys, in additional to telling you they were not looking for anything serious, were announcing they wanted to have sex with you THAT NIGHT.

You said in your OP that their wanting immediate sex was your interpretation of what they meant (what you thought) when they said they were not looking for anything serious.

In any event, yeah THAT changes things!!

That's crappy.... NEXT!

I cannot relate though as this has NEVER, not once, happened to me.

I have dated approx five guys since my break up, met all them while out and about (except for one as I stated earlier).. and none of them ever said that to me.

If they had, yeah automatic NEXT.

Edited October 5, 2016 by katiegrl

October 5, 2016

I believe that if someone is really serious about meeting someone with the intention to enter into a LTR, reputable match-making services will yield better results than online dating.

The biggest negative is the cost. It can be very expensive. But think of it this way, the other people who are willing to pony-up the money are entering with the same mindset. No one would pay that much for a potential hook-up, and you're matched with folks with the same goals as you.

October 5, 2016

I think I definitely pick the wrong guys. I always have.

Really OP - this is the only thing you need to focus on. Everything else is irrelevant.

October 5, 2016

Obviously, it's wise to pay attention to what people say early on, including when the person states that he "isn't looking for anything serious". Both online and IRL. There are lots of revealing "tells" in what the person says and how he/she says it if you read between the lines...likewise in what he doesn't say. In general, I think younger people (teens up to mid-20s or so) don't really know what they want (even if they think they do)...after all, they're young and still have a lot to learn about themselves, others and the world. Tastes and preferences can change with time and experience. And there is truth in the belief that "you don't know what you want...until you suddenly do once the right person's standing right in front of you." OTOH, older people (mid-30s and up), especially those with substantial romantic, social and life experiences, tend to have a much better idea of what they want and don't want from the get-go. This is also part of the reason why older people aged 40+ tend to be more set in their ways.

However, I think that katiegrl made a few good points in this thread. I do think that some people read TOO much into what the other person is saying early on, and that's causing them to lose sight of the widely-held belief that dating and initial flirting/conversation (whether on a dating site, at a bar, coffee shop, etc) should be fun and lighthearted. It's easier to have fun if both of you can live in the moment, not take life too seriously, and not let yourselves get bogged down by unnecessary over-analysis of what the other person said. Plus, some people are a bit nervous during that first conversation or date...and that can lead to uncertainty and saying things they don't really mean. For many people, a substantial amount of the early interaction consists of innuendo, gauging, putting little "feelers" out there to see how the other person reacts. Basically, stuff that probably shouldn't be taken too literally. (And a socially adept person knows how to do all that without resorting to annoying game-playing.)

Wow! That's the impression you get from a long well written profile? My experience is that if a guy has taken the time to write a snapshot of who he is and what he is looking for in at least two paragraphs I'm already partly interested above and beyond his pictures. I have the time to read profiles because I weed out losers, sexers, and guys who are trolling for hook-ups that way. 9/10 Guys I talk to who have taken the time to write profiles are articulate, great conversationalists, know how to build up chemistry and are not coming across like they are there to hook up.

On the other hand, the once sentence dude "just checking this out"who is banking all his online attention on women getting "wet" by his pics alone, guaranteed is there to get laid.

Do you know that apps like Tinder where you just swipe swipe swipe to find love and go into catalogue shopping mode, actually uses a different part of the brain to process what you are doing? So you are no longer looking for love with another human being, according to how your brain interprets what you are doing, you might as well be shopping for shoes "no, no, no, no,too expensive, I don't like that heel, those are too pointy....etc" Sound familiar?

That's why so many are dissapointed by OLD, there are human beings behind those profiles not commodities. Reading someone's profile and expressing a little about yourself is as close as it gets to meeting someone organically.

You may want to rethink your attitude about reading profiles, and that might weed out some of the "I'm great in bed" freaks What a desperate loser. Byyyyyyyeeee

I agree that a long profile doesn't automatically mean that the person is "high maintenance". However, I do think that in some cases a long-winded profile can be more of a negative than a positive, depending on how it reads. IMO, good dating profiles show effort and creativity while also being concise. They don't meander or ramble or waste the reader's time with unneeded BS. Meandering tends to bore readers.

To me, whether I get a "high maintenance" vibe or not depends far more on the way the profile reads, not its length. If the profile reads like a long laundry list of "I'm A, I'm B, I'm not C...and you need to be V, W, X, especially Y and definitely not Z", then that would give me a stronger vibe of potential high-maintenance as well as the author being self-centered.

Some long-winded profiles give off the impression that the person is desperate and/or trying too hard and/or taking things a bit too seriously. Especially those profiles that seem like the person's describing his/her entire life story in intricate detail (they like to hear themselves talk), or the profiles that are so meticulous that it seems like the person spent 60+ minutes crafting it and revising it a bunch of times (the meticulousness of such profiles also may damage their authenticity in the eyes of the reader). Such people don't seem to grasp the value of mystery and of getting to know each other organically over time.

There are some long profiles that are truly interesting and well-written and perhaps humorous, and that's clearly a good thing. But even then, that *may* be an indicator that the author is a long-winded talker in person...which may be an issue. (Of course, some people write well but are poor at face-to-face socializing, and vice versa.) Just because he can talk eloquently and articulate skillfully doesn't necessarily mean that he's a good conversationalist. Good conversationalists are adept at effortless banter and quipping, plus they listen well.

I do think that long profiles are definitely better than lazy short one-sentence profiles. I just think that in general, the middle ground is best. I don't know about the OP, but 2 to 4 concise paragraphs certainly fits within my personal view of "middle ground"...those profiles are not long in my opinion.

October 5, 2016

Really OP - this is the only thing you need to focus on. Everything else is irrelevant.

Sure, great. How?

October 5, 2016

Obviously, it's wise to pay attention to what people say early on, including when the person states that he "isn't looking for anything serious". Both online and IRL. There are lots of revealing "tells" in what the person says and how he/she says it if you read between the lines...likewise in what he doesn't say. In general, I think younger people (teens up to mid-20s or so) don't really know what they want (even if they think they do)...after all, they're young and still have a lot to learn about themselves, others and the world. Tastes and preferences can change with time and experience. And there is truth in the belief that "you don't know what you want...until you suddenly do once the right person's standing right in front of you." OTOH, older people (mid-30s and up), especially those with substantial romantic, social and life experiences, tend to have a much better idea of what they want and don't want from the get-go. This is also part of the reason why older people aged 40+ tend to be more set in their ways.

Agree.

However, I think that katiegrl made a few good points in this thread. I do think that some people read TOO much into what the other person is saying early on, and that's causing them to lose sight of the widely-held belief that dating and initial flirting/conversation (whether on a dating site, at a bar, coffee shop, etc) should be fun and lighthearted. It's easier to have fun if both of you can live in the moment, not take life too seriously, and not let yourselves get bogged down by unnecessary over-analysis of what the other person said. Plus, some people are a bit nervous during that first conversation or date...and that can lead to uncertainty and saying things they don't really mean. For many people, a substantial amount of the early interaction consists of innuendo, gauging, putting little "feelers" out there to see how the other person reacts. Basically, stuff that probably shouldn't be taken too literally. (And a socially adept person knows how to do all that without resorting to annoying game-playing.)

How did I over-analyze what he said? He asked me to dinner and said if I'm up for it we could have sex, but not to expect a relationship because he works too much to have time for that. I'm paraphrasing now, but my earlier post is exactly what he said.

How am I game playing or killing the playful fun part?

I agree that a long profile doesn't automatically mean that the person is "high maintenance". However, I do think that in some cases a long-winded profile can be more of a negative than a positive, depending on how it reads. IMO, good dating profiles show effort and creativity while also being concise. They don't meander or ramble or waste the reader's time with unneeded BS. Meandering tends to bore readers.

To me, whether I get a "high maintenance" vibe or not depends far more on the way the profile reads, not its length. If the profile reads like a long laundry list of "I'm A, I'm B, I'm not C...and you need to be V, W, X, especially Y and definitely not Z", then that would give me a stronger vibe of potential high-maintenance as well as the author being self-centered.

Some long-winded profiles give off the impression that the person is desperate and/or trying too hard and/or taking things a bit too seriously. Especially those profiles that seem like the person's describing his/her entire life story in intricate detail (they like to hear themselves talk), or the profiles that are so meticulous that it seems like the person spent 60+ minutes crafting it and revising it a bunch of times (the meticulousness of such profiles also may damage their authenticity in the eyes of the reader). Such people don't seem to grasp the value of mystery and of getting to know each other organically over time.

There are some long profiles that are truly interesting and well-written and perhaps humorous, and that's clearly a good thing. But even then, that *may* be an indicator that the author is a long-winded talker in person...which may be an issue. (Of course, some people write well but are poor at face-to-face socializing, and vice versa.) Just because he can talk eloquently and articulate skillfully doesn't necessarily mean that he's a good conversationalist. Good conversationalists are adept at effortless banter and quipping, plus they listen well.

I do think that long profiles are definitely better than lazy short one-sentence profiles. I just think that in general, the middle ground is best. I don't know about the OP, but 2 to 4 concise paragraphs certainly fits within my personal view of "middle ground"...those profiles are not long in my opinion.

Ironically, you sort of just explained exactly what my point was, about long-winded profiles. But your explanation is a bit more lengthy than mine

I think I've been conditioned to make my thoughts more concise, in a few different ways.

Anyway it's a good thing to consider, I can give more consideration to what their profiles say. I put no effort whatsoever into mine because I don't think profiles really tell much about a person at all, and I don't really think anyone reads them anymore. But it can't hurt to try.

October 5, 2016

Sure, great. How?

AMJ, I for one don't think there is anything wrong with your "picker."

I mean you are just meeting these men, there is NOT enough time for you to get to know them to "pick" them.

I have also learned that you can never change anyone else, their behavior or what they say.... you can only change yourself and how you react to their behavior and what they say.

You can try a different approach, by being less judgmental, not jump to conclusions about what their intentions are, be more lighthearted and playful, have fun with it, toss it back, understand as GM said, they may be nervous and as such say DUMB things, understand there is a lot of **** testing going during these early dates (on both sides) consciously or subconsciously.

Give them the benefit of any doubt, go out on a date, if there is a click, go out on another date and see what happens. Think positively.

If you don't feel comfortable having sex, then don't.

If they start getting out of line sexually speaking, saying inappropriate things and the like, get up and leave.

But don't presume to know what they are thinking based on some innocuous statement that probably doesn't even mean anything. Not at this early stage of the game anyway.

October 5, 2016

Look, I didn't read the whole thread. But I did read the original post and here are some thoughts. I will preface my comments that I have much better success with OLD than most men, at least judging by commentary on this site.

When I am actively doing the OLD thing, I am not looking for a specific type of relationship. I am looking to market myself to the maximum amount of attractive women. Women are the ones who have the power to decide the outcome of every date. I can't force a girl to want anything, so I don't even consider it. I just show up and have a good time. And that works.

From a male perspective, also, you can't trust the words a woman says regarding the type of relationship she is seeking. There have been at least 10 women this year who had some variation of "not looking for a hookup" in their profile, who gave it up to me on the first date. And some of those went somewhere and some didn't.

If you're meeting guys who seem only interested in sex, I guess I have two comments 1) Uh, how do you know? How much time do you spend with these guys? 2) It's really not an issue, because after all sex is not going to happen unless you want it too, in which case you can't really complain.

October 5, 2016

AMJ, I for one don't think there is anything wrong with your "picker."

How can you think that when she says this?

I think I definitely pick the wrong guys. I always have.

She's always picked the wrong guys. Every guy she's been with, 100% of the time has been the wrong guy. There are some women that are attracted to emotionally unavailable men. So that's what they choose. Time after time. Could this be the case with you OP?

Your selection process for OLD seems counterintuitive if you're looking for a relationship. You should be specifically picking the guys that seem to have relationship type qualities (loyal, trustworthy, honest etc.) and want a relationship. Are those the qualities you find yourself attracted to?

October 5, 2016

Your selection process for OLD seems counterintuitive if you're looking for a relationship.

You should be specifically picking the guys that seem to have relationship type qualities (loyal, trustworthy, honest etc.) and want a relationship. Are those the qualities you find yourself attracted to?

I agree, but how would she know these things before meeting, dating him a few times, getting to know him?

That was my only point.

These are guys she has brief chats with on line. You can't tell anything from that. You've got to date someone a few times, get to them them and vice versa.

The problem would arise if, after discovering they are not loyal, trustworthy, honest, etc. she chooses to stay with them anyway, and continue dating them.

But she can't know this from a few brief on line chats. Can she?

October 5, 2016

Look, I didn't read the whole thread. But I did read the original post and here are some thoughts. I will preface my comments that I have much better success with OLD than most men, at least judging by commentary on this site.

When I am actively doing the OLD thing, I am not looking for a specific type of relationship. I am looking to market myself to the maximum amount of attractive women. Women are the ones who have the power to decide the outcome of every date. I can't force a girl to want anything, so I don't even consider it. I just show up and have a good time. And that works.

From a male perspective, also, you can't trust the words a woman says regarding the type of relationship she is seeking. There have been at least 10 women this year who had some variation of "not looking for a hookup" in their profile, who gave it up to me on the first date. And some of those went somewhere and some didn't.

If you're meeting guys who seem only interested in sex, I guess I have two comments 1) Uh, how do you know? How much time do you spend with these guys? 2) It's really not an issue, because after all sex is not going to happen unless you want it too, in which case you can't really complain.

Finally an answer! So, ten out of about how many women hooked up on the first date? And what was the deal with all the others?

To answer your questions-

1) Well sometimes they come right out and say so, that they are only interested in casual sex relationships. It varies in terms of when I find this out. It could be while we are chatting online, like with good ol' Nate. Or it could be at some point on the first date. I'd never assume that's only what a guy wanted unless he said as much.

2) I don't think it's an "issue", but I'm trying to understand where these guys are coming from.

October 5, 2016

How can you think that when she says this?

She's always picked the wrong guys. Every guy she's been with, 100% of the time has been the wrong guy. There are some women that are attracted to emotionally unavailable men. So that's what they choose. Time after time. Could this be the case with you OP?

Your selection process for OLD seems counterintuitive if you're looking for a relationship. You should be specifically picking the guys that seem to have relationship type qualities (loyal, trustworthy, honest etc.) and want a relationship. Are those the qualities you find yourself attracted to?

Yes, I know I pick the wrong men. If I picked the right men, I'd not be single now. Other than a longer profile, how exactly do I know that guys have relationship type qualities, until I get to know them?

October 5, 2016

Finally an answer! So, ten out of about how many women hooked up on the first date? And what was the deal with all the others?

To answer your questions-
1) Well sometimes they come right out and say so, that they are only interested in casual sex relationships. It varies in terms of when I find this out. It could be while we are chatting online, like with good ol' Nate. Or it could be at some point on the first date. I'd never assume that's only what a guy wanted unless he said as much.

2) I don't think it's an "issue", but I'm trying to understand where these guys are coming from.

I think men (and women) do a lot of **** testing early on, to see what you will and will not tolerate. What they can "get away with."

I have had men do and say some really dumb and inappropriate stuff with me on early on. I just don't react at all.... because I know most, if not all, of it is them testing my boundaries. Or to elicit a reaction. Women do this too.

My brothers actually explained this to me cause I used to complain to them all the time about it.

How guys test women, to see what they will and will not tolerate. To gauge their reaction.

My ex did this with me early on... I would either not react at all, or sometimes, simply tell him that was over the top and/or to knock off the BS (in my own sweet way of course...)

Or playfully toss it back (aka teasing/bantering). I found that especially fun!

Yes it's silly and immature... not sure if they are even aware of it half the time.

And yeah women do it too. I know I do! I'm often not aware of it at the time I do or say it, but when thinking back on it, I realize that yeah "that was a **** test"!!

I just think it's all par for the course. Now I just let it all roll off, it doesn't phase me.

If there is a click, chemistry and I like him, I will continue to date him, get to know him, pay attention to actions and see how it plays out.

If, after a few dates, he's not to my liking, I walk away.

I try not to stress too much about it. It is what it is, it's been happening since the beginning of time, and don't see it changing anytime soon.

Edited October 6, 2016 by katiegrl

October 6, 2016

I like how TJ put it, it is what I was trying to say except he was a bit more eloquent. And you can't really trust what someone else puts down as their relationship goals--on their OLD or even on a first date. I've slept with "not looking for a hook-up" on a first date a few times too, and I met women who said they were looking for something serious but then it is clear that they still aren't over their ex. So I myself don't even see the point in asking really early on.

BUT, you're not talking about pressing guys for answers and getting upset when they say they are just seeing what is out there, you are talking about guys telling you explicitly before you even meet that they don't want anything serious, just sex. So on that note....

Yes, I know I pick the wrong men. If I picked the right men, I'd not be single now. Other than a longer profile, how exactly do I know that guys have relationship type qualities, until I get to know them?

I think it's very hard for us to answer that on here, because the only date stories you have told were the "trainwreck" dates, where you were right to turn down a second date. I don't think you've mentioned on here any normal decent guys you've gone out with (or who approached you in the supermarket or whatever) but you decided not to bring things further. So, we don't have much information to go by.

BUT, surely you are getting a lot of emails online, and some of those emails are from decent guys who are at least willing to give things a chance. I'd say those emails tend to be a bit longer and "nicer"--instead of making an edgy joke they may be more complimentary or ask you questions about your profile or something.

An extremely vague answer, but you can't tell anything for sure going by online, and we are going by little information too. The only way I can think of that this question could be answered better (at least when it comes to meeting guys via OLD) would be for someone to look over your shoulder at the types of profiles/emails you write back, and those you decide not to. Meanwhile, have you had any *decent* first dates with nice normal guys?

ETA: Actually, come to think of it, maybe this thread itself, and some of your others, may provide some clues. I notice (this thread and all your other threads) that you "tend and befriend" a lot--you seem to spend a lot of time analysing the behaviour of the jackasses you come across, whereas you'd be better off saving that emotional energy and just nexting them. You've been wondering this whole thread about the thought processes of the "Nate" you came across whereas in reality, you should be thinking A LOT more about how decent guys like Weezy (forgive me if you are married dude!) or TJ approach dating. You got some great insights as to why many decent guys seem to want to keep their options open with OLD. A guy who says he is looking for a hookup before the first date is just not worth trying to figure out "where he is coming from".

Edited October 6, 2016 by Imajerk17

October 6, 2016

You got some great insights as to why many decent guys seem to want to keep their options open with OLD.

A guy who says he is looking for a hookup before the first date is just not worth trying to figure out "where he is coming from.".

Great post Imajerk (not just what's quoted).

Gotta say, yes I have had guys say some dumb stuff, but never this^. I can't even imagine that (well maybe I can).

That is just ridiculous.

And if they ever did, then that's an immediate next.

But then again, I have not done OLD is almost 7 years so maybe that's why.

I think A LOT has changed since the last time I did it.

Edited October 6, 2016 by katiegrl

October 6, 2016

I think it's very hard for us to answer that on here, because the only date stories you have told were the "trainwreck" dates, where you were right to turn down a second date. I don't think you've mentioned on here any normal decent guys you've gone out with (or who approached you in the supermarket or whatever) but you decided not to bring things further. So, we don't have much information to go by.

That's true. All of my dates recently have been trainwrecks, OR they went anywhere from just okay to great, but, the guy wanted to have sex that same night and lost interest in me because I didn't.

BUT, surely you are getting a lot of emails online, and some of those emails are from decent guys who are at least willing to give things a chance. I'd say those emails tend to be a bit longer and "nicer"--instead of making an edgy joke they may be more complimentary or ask you questions about your profile or something.

I do! I'm talking to about 20 guys online right now. Some of them are going to get tossed out because of weird things they're saying. Nate is one of them. There is another guy who says he's not interested in relationships but he hasn't straight up asked for sex yet. Most of the others seem nice. But I'm pretty sure at least a few of them will try to start sexting sometime soon, because that always happens. And then a few others will be really busy and not make much effort to meet me in person. So maybe out of this 20, I'll actually end up meeting 2-3 in person.

An extremely vague answer, but you can't tell anything for sure going by online, and we are going by little information too. The only way I can think of that this question could be answered better (at least when it comes to meeting guys via OLD) would be for someone to look over your shoulder at the types of profiles/emails you write back, and those you decide not to. Meanwhile, have you had any *decent* first dates with nice normal guys?

I've done this before, for a guy friend of mine who is horrible at talking to women. But he didn't like any of the ladies I picked out for him. I would definitely let a guy that I trust pick out dates for me. I'm obviously not very good at it myself.

The last decent normal guys I dated would be last fall- yes a year ago. There were two. One of them I liked, and the other one I did not want to keep dating.

ETA: Actually, come to think of it, maybe this thread itself, and some of your others, may provide some clues. I notice (this thread and all your other threads) that you "tend and befriend" a lot--you seem to spend a lot of time analysing the behaviour of the jackasses you come across, whereas you'd be better off saving that emotional energy and just nexting them. You've been wondering this whole thread about the thought processes of the "Nate" you came across whereas in reality, you should be thinking A LOT more about how decent guys like Weezy (forgive me if you are married dude!) or TJ approach dating. You got some great insights as to why many decent guys seem to want to keep their options open with OLD. A guy who says he is looking for a hookup before the first date is just not worth trying to figure out "where he is coming from".

You're right, about this. But can you explain tend and befriend?

It's true I spend too much energy on people and things that don't matter. And I don't rebound well from bad dates, bad experiences. But I tend to meet a lot of jerks, so it is hard not to at least wonder why.

Most of the decent men I know personally (family members, friends, friends' husbands) never really tried at all in dating. They just let a relationship happen when one fell into their lap.

So unless I missed something, the main takeaway is that decent men keep options open on OLD because women aren't consistent either, and don't always say what they mean or want?

October 6, 2016

It takes very little effort to make an OLD profile and send a few messages out to women. Going to the bar takes a lot more time, effort, and money. OLD is free.

I agree and disagree, to an extent. I do think that OLD was better years ago. I used to use it all the time way back in the Yahoo days. However, even then, OLD had plenty of people just looking for a quick lay.

When you say it takes a lot of effort to figure out what people want, that's true, but a guy just looking to get in your pants doesn't much care what you want, so that part doesn't require any effort from him.

If I go to the bar tonight looking for a woman, I might strike out. Trust me, it happens! That means, I put on some decent clothes, spent all night listening to music I probably don't like, paid money for watered down drinks, and risk dealing with a bunch of other bozos like me out looking for women.

OLD is simpler. I can create a profile, add some pics, then watch Netlfix or play a game in my pajamas at my place. I can peruse the profiles during my show, and send a quick message to a likely candidate easy enough. Sure, I might not get laid tonight, but after a couple of weeks of OLD a guy should have a few women lined up who will meet him.

Why would a guy tell them that? Not only would that immediately turn off 75% of the women I would meet, but it would also limit things if I actually met a woman I liked. Better to just say something like many women say these days, something like I am just seeing what is out there. I know that even when I was just looking to get laid online, if I ran into a girl I actually liked, I would consider more with her. Telling her right away that I only wanna get laid would probably scare her off, and at least cut into my options.

Every woman I have ever met online. Oh, they talk a big game about how they aren't looking for hookups, but they still do it.

Every single one?? Wow. That explains it then! No wonder.

So, finding casual sex in person is easier for women than men, and finding it online is easier for men because women online are more desperate.

I really didn't think that was the case. What with all these guys on here who say it's so difficult just to get women to reply to their messages, I was thinking, how many do they have to message and then go on dates with to get laid? But it sounds like pretty much everyone, except for me apparently, has sex on the first date. Good to know.

October 6, 2016

But it sounds like pretty much everyone, except for me apparently, has sex on the first date. Good to know.

Do I detect a touch of sarcasm here ?

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