travelbug1996 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 I'm pretty established in my career but my bf is just beginning to pursue his. He's been in one field for 20 years (He's 42yo) that he hated and now he wants to pursue another that's really competitive. His dream is to become a famous chef and has a culinary degree but not a lot of restaurant experience. I thinks he's a great chef but everything I've read says that a chef has to pretty much start from the bottom. He pretty much quit his construction career (which their off 6 months and 6 months unemployment) and won't get unemployment. He always has the option to return to construction. He's really talented and does some odd roofing jobs etc. Obviously, he's doing ok because he manages to pay his own expenses (we don't live together) and hasn't ask me for money. I just would hate to see his dream not come to fruition knowing how much he really loves the field. He works different private events and other events with friends in the cooking field. He has no interest working in a restaurant because he will have to start at the bottom. I'm concerned that he'll end up having to go back to construction if he doesn't get on the Food channels which is his big dream. I just want to be supportive. I listen and try to give encouragement but I feel I'm not a big help. SN Someone stole his car 2 weeks ago and now he's riding rentals (insurance covers) until they pay out which won't be a lot for a down payment.
CarrieT Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Oh.My.God. I don't even know where to begin... For starters, I was in my mid 30s and finishing a Master's in Fine Art when I discovered cooking. A week after getting my MFA, I enrolled in cooking school. You are absolutely right that he will have to start at the bottom. Being a good chef means nothing without contacts, drive, and stamina. Contacts: People who can either fund his dream or introduce him to people who will fund his dream. I know famous chefs. Lots of them, actually. All of them started on the bottom (usually in their teens!) and worked a LONG time before rising to the top. Drive: Those that are famous are people who persevere through immeasurable trials and tribulations. Stamina: Twelve, fourteen, and sixteen hour days are nothing to a driven chef. You are at the farmer's market when they open at 8:00 a.m., picking out the best produce. You are back in the kitchen at noon starting the evening's prep. Then you are cooking all through dinner service and are lucky to be home before midnight. You are on your feet for hours upon hours. Does he have any conception of what the lifestyle is like? PM me if you want more information. I know very few chefs who have stable marriages and I know more than one who have had complete and total flame-outs and break-downs during service. P.S. I didn't last in the kitchen and instead became a food writer. I have written dozens of published articles and my first book on oysters is due out next spring. Trust me when I say I personally know lots of people in the industry and probably lots of people he has seen on television. 4
Author travelbug1996 Posted October 4, 2016 Author Posted October 4, 2016 Wow! Thanks Carrie. He said that he worked at a restaurant and has a really good friend who is a chef and he does some private events with him. For now he works a lot of weekends doing events but sometimes there's no work. I spoke with him tonight. He is exhausted from working all day Saturday at his home and half of Sunday. He spent all last night and today cleaning his house from a private dinner he had for about 10 people at his home. He said that he just thinks that hsi big break will be on Top chef or one of the shows that will give him some exposure. I'm thinking "what about longevity"? I asked so what's your plan B? He said there is no plan B and that he will be on TV and build his brand. I really didn't know what to say. He could be real hot her in the city where we live but what about down the line. He knows the lifestyle is demanding however, he doesn't want to sacrifice and start at the bottom. We won't even begin to talk about how his dream and its effect on our relationship is starting to concern me. I really love him and I don't want to give up on him.
CarrieT Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 (edited) Okay, here is how to be pragmatic (and, yes, I have known a handful of chefs from Top Chef). Ask him to research those chefs he has been watching; look at their career tragectory and see who is succeeding and who is not. I am here in San Francisco and I am going to refer you to Chef Chris Cosentino, whose food I have been enjoying for more than a decade. Both of you need to see his very telling video on how Television Chefs exist and flame-out. Clickety. Edited October 4, 2016 by CarrieT 2
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I spoke with him tonight. He is exhausted from working all day Saturday at his home and half of Sunday. He spent all last night and today cleaning his house from a private dinner he had for about 10 people at his home. He said that he just thinks that hsi big break will be on Top chef or one of the shows that will give him some exposure. I'm thinking "what about longevity"? I asked so what's your plan B? He said there is no plan B and that he will be on TV and build his brand. I really didn't know what to say. He could be real hot her in the city where we live but what about down the line. He knows the lifestyle is demanding however, he doesn't want to sacrifice and start at the bottom. We won't even begin to talk about how his dream and its effect on our relationship is starting to concern me. I really love him and I don't want to give up on him. I am sorry but your boyfriend has unrealistic dreams. At 42 he speaks like a 22 years old. He is exhausted from cleaning his house all day? He has no idea what is waiting for him in the restaurant business. He will work from early morning to late at night without ever having a minute to sit and this 6 days of the week. He is 42 and does not have a plan B? Again unrealistic, he is not at an age where he has his whole life in front of him. He's at an age when he needs to think clearing his debts and retirement plan. He doesn't want to start at bottom? Because he is 42 he thinks people will give him a pass? He needs a reality check, he WILL have to start at bottom and the rare people making it to network food have invested already 20 years in the field. That makes him 60 something by the time he gets there and then he won't have the profile of what Network want to see on tv. Heck I am not sure at 42 he still has the profile network want to see on tv. And finally he doesn't want to speak how that will affect your relationship that is because YOU are not part of his dream. Sorry, I could not stand by and smile at 'he has a dream'. To me his dream is unrealistic considering where he is now, his age, and his unwillingness to start at bottom. 3
preraph Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I think the best way to support someone in their dreams, IF their dreams are realistic and IF the person takes daily steps to accomplish their goals (otherwise don't enable a dreamer who is just a deadbeat) is to build up their confidence. Tell them in a tone that does not sound motherly or contrived how skilled they are and when he's taking steps to make contacts or follow his goal, tell him that's great he thought to do that. Praise forward movement toward the goal. But do not praise or support sitting still and just fantasizing about it. 2
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Who is going to financially support him through this? 2
mrs rubble Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 My fiance is an ex-chef, he still loves cooking but said he'd never go back to it, he had a breakdown he says the stress was over the top. I think your partner is very naive to think he'll make it to the top without the experience behind him, he needs a bit of a reality check. 4
Author travelbug1996 Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 Gaeta, I suppose if he gets financially strapped he would go back to what he's been doing for 20 years which is construction. He's really good at it too. He can put a roof on a house and I think that's awesome. I think he's a great chef (even though he rarely cooks for me) but I also think its unrealistic but I won't say that to him. Like someone said, if he makes progress towards his goals I will praise and encourage him. Financially, I make way more money but I still would never support a man financially at this stage in his career development. Honestly, I've never had to pay for much of anything while in a relationship since I usually date well established men. When we met he told me he made over 80k in construction, two months after we met he said he was gonna take a year off from construction to pursue cooking. I'm like WTH?? Now you tell me after I've started having feelings. I feel just a tad bit duped. 1
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 If you have a trade in construction you make close to 6 digits. If you are ambitious then you start your own company, maybe brevet your own product etc. THAT makes sense to me. That's a dream to me you can go for at 42. Quitting a construction job, with great pay, with full benefits, to go fetch a dream that has 0,002% chances of success is crazy. Not all dreams are meant to be jobs! I am a dog lover, I am not gonna quit my professional job to go train dogs at 20K a year even if it's my dream.
Author travelbug1996 Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 I'll share the video with him. I'm watching it now.
Author travelbug1996 Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 Gaeta I totally agree. I suggested he open a construction management company and pay other people to work for him. I'm a business owner so that's how I think but he doesn't want to work in that field. He's gonna have to come to the realization on his own that what he wants is gonna be extremely difficult.
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 How long have you been dating? Do you live together?
Buddhist Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 (edited) The best thing you can do is not bring your negativity about his dream to the table. You don't have to do anything except keep your internal opinions to yourself. I've had more than one career where the people around me thought I was being stupid and a bit pie in the sky. I got it. Someone has to be on a TV channel as a chef so why not your bf? Some people do make it and really although it's a long shot, doesn't mean it's impossible. You're well meaning I am sure and you want to see him succeed so just leave it up to him to work out. If things don't pan out trust that he will know what to do for himself and leave it be. There's nothing worse than having a partner who doesn't believe in you and wants to steer you down a different path for the 'best of intentions' we all know where that road leads. I'm all for being realistic but realism is something he has to confront on his own. If you come steamrolling in with it he'll just think you aren't being supportive. It won't take long for him to see either the commitment he has to make or the choice to walk away from this one. He's 42 after all, he has a brain in his head and well money teaches people to become decisive fast. Edited October 5, 2016 by Buddhist 3
CarrieT Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I'll share the video with him. I'm watching it now. What did you think? It is barely scratching the surface, truthfully. And Gaeta pegged it; if he is exhausted from one full day and one half-day of work, he will never survive what the industry will throw at him. Immediately after graduating cooking school, I ran the operations at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Los Angeles. It was nothing but catering but I would go from having a seated breakfast for 200 to three consecutive lunches for 10, 50, and a private meal for Placido Domingo, to five pre-performance meals (one for 20 doctors, another for 30 lawyers, etc.), to a post-performance dessert reception for 100. I worked from 6:00 a.m. to 1:00 a.m. six-and seven-days a week pretty consistently during the Symphony and Opera seasons (September through May). I lasted exactly 18 months before I decided to leave Los Angeles to pursue the wine industry of Napa. At that point in my life, I was in my mid-30s and had a ton of stamina. Even then (and this was about 1999), I never made more than $50k a year. I'm told the same position now, in 2016, pays about $85k to $90k. He is unrealistic, but let him try and learn the hard way. But, yes, it sounds like he pulled a bait-and-switch on you relationship-wise.... 2
Author travelbug1996 Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 I watched the video and I thought it was interesting. Hopefully, he would never have to humiliate himself to be in the industry and I'm with him, he does allow some influence from me. Buddha, that's why I came here. I would never **** on his dream because I think anything is possible. Now the probability of it happening is another thing. He's on a 3 day fast now so I haven't suggested the video or anything yet. Also we do not live together. I own a home and I think he rents his home. We've been together less than a year.
JuneJulySeptember Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 The way I look at it ... you only have one life. There are people who are lazy, and have bad attitudes who have stable careers, and in some cases are in management positions and make six figures ... those who know how to 'play the game' so to speak. So whether is somebody is hardworking or not, that will not change no matter what they decide to pursue. In other words, I'd be in full support of it. Just so long as that person understands that you wont be funding them on trips to Hawaii and Prague while they are going through schooling. 1
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I would have a hard time with this. I am all for supporting your man in normal circumstances. My BF dropped everything in France at the age of 48 to start over in Canada. The difference is he takes his 30 year experience as electrician here to develop it into contracting company because Canada has an important need of licensed electricians. It's a dream for him but it's a dream with a plan, with 30 years experience behind him to back him, and with a market waiting for him. After 1,5 year here he already has more work than he can handle. So yes when I met him last year I was supportive of his dream because it made sense and it held the road. Your boyfriend gives himself how long to get on Food network? 1
Author travelbug1996 Posted October 6, 2016 Author Posted October 6, 2016 Gaeta That's a good question to ask him. I'm on my back porch eating and drinking with a good girlfriend, i'll ask him when we talk. I'm just gonna grab some popcorn and watch the show as it unfolds.
Gaeta Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 Gaeta That's a good question to ask him. I'm on my back porch eating and drinking with a good girlfriend, i'll ask him when we talk. I'm just gonna grab some popcorn and watch the show as it unfolds. I think that is how you'll know how realistic he is about this dream.
Author travelbug1996 Posted October 6, 2016 Author Posted October 6, 2016 He said he's giving himself as much time as needed. WTF?? I'm just gonna give a listening ear and an encouraging word from here on out.
Gaeta Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 He said he's giving himself as much time as needed. WTF?? I'm just gonna give a listening ear and an encouraging word from here on out. So he has no concrete plan. As long as he financially supports himself. How you feeling about the whole thing? You 2 had plans to move in together eventually? The whole thing is just bizarre. Who wants so much instability at 42. 1
GemmaUK Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 I watched less than half of that video and was stunned! Tell him to move to the UK if he wants to be a TV chef - they don't go through 8lb pizza, testicles and eggs and running a mile challenges. The last one I know of note had a series of her own - she went back to India where her relatives still live and made a series about the culture and cooking. She also has done bits of presenting along the way and she has flourished - you can tell. The TV dream seems to me like a bad move. Does he want fame or to cook? He could like many do make some living via youtube cooking. There are some amazing folk out there doing just this and they do make a living from it. I know he hates construction but if he can put a roof on a house then he could do handyman (or well - better than outset handy man) on a self employed basis, get a youtube channel going and also keep the events catering up. I think he would end up in a better respected position if that is how he did it. I am really shocked at what that chef said about the TV shows! It's serious trash TV! Would someone really want to do that??!! 1
Author travelbug1996 Posted October 7, 2016 Author Posted October 7, 2016 Thank you all so much. I'm really starting to re evaluate whether I want to be with someone so unstable. I feel like he wasn't honest with me in the beginning about what he did for work. We met in February he said he did construction and cooking on the side. Well in February there is no construction in the city where we lie because of the winter. So around May he was talking about starting back with the Union but said he wanted to take the year off to focus on cooking. I was thinking I had someone with a somewhat stable job. He had mentioned us moving in together but I would never move in with someone so financially unstable. Not to mention he has a child under the age of 5 that he has to provide for. Not to mention someone stole his car a couple weeks ago. When the payout comes who's gonna finance someone with no proof of income. Now if only my heart can catch up with my head:o:o 1
Gaeta Posted October 7, 2016 Posted October 7, 2016 Thank you all so much. I'm really starting to re evaluate whether I want to be with someone so unstable. I feel like he wasn't honest with me in the beginning about what he did for work. We met in February he said he did construction and cooking on the side. Well in February there is no construction in the city where we lie because of the winter. So around May he was talking about starting back with the Union but said he wanted to take the year off to focus on cooking. I was thinking I had someone with a somewhat stable job. He had mentioned us moving in together but I would never move in with someone so financially unstable. Not to mention he has a child under the age of 5 that he has to provide for. Not to mention someone stole his car a couple weeks ago. When the payout comes who's gonna finance someone with no proof of income. Now if only my heart can catch up with my head:o:o Ouff, unless he has important savings aside, or maybe he inherited of an important amount and he doesn't have to worry about finances? Also if there are no constructions during winter in your city it's because it's a relatively small city. I am up in Canada and we have construction all year long. If he lives in a smaller city how is he gonna get his cooking career off the ground? And where do you fit in all this?
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