GunslingerRoland Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 No, I've had to deal with family members with alcohol problems, I wouldn't invest in a brand new relationship with someone who already had those problems. 2
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 I grew up in a family of alcoholics, and I say you are a damn fool to think you can make this work. If he is such a great catch he would be married by now....there is a reason why he is not. My answer is a big fat NO. 1
Gaeta Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 I wouldn't know about the drinking problem if he hasn't consumed half a bottle of whiskey at my place. Then it all made sense. Something just dawn on me. He drank half a bottle of whiskey then he drove?? 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Been there and done that. I can tell you from my personal experience, it can be a very frustrating and disheartening experience to be dating never mind in love with someone who has a drinking problem. The bottle is their priority and their lover, not you. You will always come second to whatever addiction they have no matter how much they may protest or promise you otherwise. To answer your question? No, I would no longer date anyone with any kind of addiction. Too painful. 2
katiegrl Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Yes, sex is great and he is very handsome and fun overall, so yes:) my thinking is somewhat clouded and that's why I've come here for advice. I didn't present the whole picture. He is highly intelligent and a great company and I wouldn't know about the drinking problem if he hasn't consumed half a bottle of whiskey at my place. Then it all made sense. Not sure why you came for advice. It's become quite clear you have no intention of leaving...no matter what anyone says. I always shake my head when I read threads like this. You ask if you should stay, we say no and why, then you proceed to tell us all the great things about him to justify why you should stay! Which is fine, stay! Play it out, that is how you learn. Often times people need to hit rock bottom before they realize it is time to go. Best of luck! 4
Arieswoman Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Coldfire, I wouldn't know about the drinking problem if he hasn't consumed half a bottle of whiskey at my place. Half a bottle of whisky is 20 units. In UK the maximum recommended number of units for a man is 28 per week. Your guy has a problem.
Redhead14 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Yes, sex is great and he is very handsome and fun overall, so yes:) my thinking is somewhat clouded and that's why I've come here for advice. I didn't present the whole picture. He is highly intelligent and a great company and I wouldn't know about the drinking problem if he hasn't consumed half a bottle of whiskey at my place. Then it all made sense. He is highly intelligent -- All evidence to the contrary . . . Let me tell you something else . . . you are not seeing the real HIM . . . the guy behind the alcohol. The alcohol is masking whatever is troubling him deep down. If he ever got sober, you might not like the real him -- He doesn't either apparently. And, the process of getting sober is a difficult process for the partner of the alcoholic. The personality changes significantly and they waffle back and forth emotionally for a long time. And, the really hard part comes when they do get the alcohol out of their system and start thinking with a clearer head and focusing on the problems that drove them to drink and hide from come to the surface and a whole 'nother set of emotional issues need to be dealt with. This is the primary reason why alcoholics relapse actually . . . when they start facing "their" demons and are back to reality without the fog of alcohol, etc., they fall back on old reliable to get away from it all again. The truly "successful" recovering alcoholics get good counseling and get the tools necessary to deal with and manage emotions, thoughts, actions, decision-making, etc. my thinking is somewhat clouded and that's why I've come here for advice. -- Just for educational purposes, take yourself to an Alanon meeting some night . . . your eyes will be opened wide. Yes, sex is great and he is very handsome -- that sounds like you're letting the "little man in the boat" do your thinking for you 2
jen1447 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 ^ Also, even on the off chance he got the better of the drinking and turned over a new leaf, I wouldn't be surprised if that also meant eventually starting over relationship-wise. I've seen that happen before - "baby, I appreciate you being there for me during this terrible transition but now you just represent the bad times to me and I owe it to myself to see if there's someone out there for the real/new me so see ya." :-/ 2
kendahke Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Hi all! I recently posted about a guy I really like and he seems to like me too but tends to dissappear and not communicate much between dates.I was frustrated because he wanted to see me on weekends and do things together yet he didnt display too much interest inbetween dates... I am afraid I know why now after several more dates with him- he has a drinking problem. It seems that he often drinks too much, then sleeps too much, then feels depressed, etc. etc. I like him so much and he makes me genuinely happy. But his drinking patterns seem like a very serious issue even though he treats me very well for now. Thoughts? Stop now. You can't compete with liquor and he won't let that happen. 2
Author Coldfire Posted October 4, 2016 Author Posted October 4, 2016 Oh, Coldfire. Take it from someone who grew up surrounded by alcoholics, and is still paying the price years later. Run and never look back, trust me. Thank you, newheart To be honest I havent dealt with any very close family members or partners but I have an uncle who is an alcoholic. I need to imagine him .
Author Coldfire Posted October 4, 2016 Author Posted October 4, 2016 ^ Also, even on the off chance he got the better of the drinking and turned over a new leaf, I wouldn't be surprised if that also meant eventually starting over relationship-wise. I've seen that happen before - "baby, I appreciate you being there for me during this terrible transition but now you just represent the bad times to me and I owe it to myself to see if there's someone out there for the real/new me so see ya." :-/ Hi Jen He is not interested in stopping. He even picked a medical provider who wouldn't bother him about this and just runs tests. That must have been hard to find.
Author Coldfire Posted October 4, 2016 Author Posted October 4, 2016 Thanks Readhead My best friend is in AA so I am aware of many of those issues. It's just hard when we are attracted to someone interesting and good looking... I guess I was thinking that maybe we could have a more casual relationship but I don't know if this can be done at this point. Btw, many highly intelligent people are alcoholics. He realizes what he is doing but apparently cant stop. He is highly intelligent -- All evidence to the contrary . . . Let me tell you something else . . . you are not seeing the real HIM . . . the guy behind the alcohol. The alcohol is masking whatever is troubling him deep down. If he ever got sober, you might not like the real him -- He doesn't either apparently. And, the process of getting sober is a difficult process for the partner of the alcoholic. The personality changes significantly and they waffle back and forth emotionally for a long time. And, the really hard part comes when they do get the alcohol out of their system and start thinking with a clearer head and focusing on the problems that drove them to drink and hide from come to the surface and a whole 'nother set of emotional issues need to be dealt with. This is the primary reason why alcoholics relapse actually . . . when they start facing "their" demons and are back to reality without the fog of alcohol, etc., they fall back on old reliable to get away from it all again. The truly "successful" recovering alcoholics get good counseling and get the tools necessary to deal with and manage emotions, thoughts, actions, decision-making, etc. my thinking is somewhat clouded and that's why I've come here for advice. -- Just for educational purposes, take yourself to an Alanon meeting some night . . . your eyes will be opened wide. Yes, sex is great and he is very handsome -- that sounds like you're letting the "little man in the boat" do your thinking for you
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Thanks Readhead My best friend is in AA so I am aware of many of those issues. It's just hard when we are attracted to someone interesting and good looking... There are plenty of interesting and attractive people who are not alcoholics. I guess I was thinking that maybe we could have a more casual relationship but I don't know if this can be done at this point. Casual as in Platonic? Or FWB? Btw, many highly intelligent people are alcoholics. He realizes what he is doing but apparently cant stop. And MANY not so intelligent people are also alcoholics. Not certain what point you were trying to make. He is addicted to alcohol. He needs to get help. I haven't read the entire thread, but this drinking WILL manifest itself in ways DESTRUCTIVE. NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 Thanks Readhead My best friend is in AA so I am aware of many of those issues. It's just hard when we are attracted to someone interesting and good looking... There are plenty of interesting and attractive people who are not alcoholics. I guess I was thinking that maybe we could have a more casual relationship but I don't know if this can be done at this point. Casual as in Platonic? Or FWB? Btw, many highly intelligent people are alcoholics. He realizes what he is doing but apparently cant stop.And MANY not so intelligent people are also alcoholics. Not certain what point you were trying to make. He is addicted to alcohol. He needs to get help. I haven't read the entire thread, but this drinking WILL manifest itself (if it hasn't already) in ways DESTRUCTIVE. NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT. As per your original question....I would NOT date someone who drinks too much and hesitate to date someone who is recovering.
Author Coldfire Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 simpleNfit I was only making this point aboung intelligence because someone made a point earlier about him not being intelligent if he drinks and acts likr this. I think addiction can happen to intelligent people too that's all. Ok, he just asked me out and I said I can't see him this weekend. Will thonk about it all There are plenty of interesting and attractive people who are not alcoholics. Casual as in Platonic? Or FWB? And MANY not so intelligent people are also alcoholics. Not certain what point you were trying to make. He is addicted to alcohol. He needs to get help. I haven't read the entire thread, but this drinking WILL manifest itself (if it hasn't already) in ways DESTRUCTIVE. NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT. As per your original question....I would NOT date someone who drinks too much and hesitate to date someone who is recovering.
Author Coldfire Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 There are plenty of interesting and attractive people who are not alcoholics. Casual as in Platonic? Or FWB? And MANY not so intelligent people are also alcoholics. Not certain what point you were trying to make. He is addicted to alcohol. He needs to get help. I haven't read the entire thread, but this drinking WILL manifest itself (if it hasn't already) in ways DESTRUCTIVE. NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT. As per your original question....I would NOT date someone who drinks too much and hesitate to date someone who is recovering. Just saw your question about casual I meant FWB but it wouldn't be nice to tell a man who wants a relationship despite his shortcomings that I don't consider him worthy after we have dated and switch to FWB. i would need to be honest that the drinking is a problem but frankly I can't offer my support even if he wants to be sober which he doesnt.
Author Coldfire Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 Katie, This is not true. I already told him that I can't see him this week and taking time to thonk about it so I am taking my gut feeling and the advice here seriously! Not sure why you came for advice. It's become quite clear you have no intention of leaving...no matter what anyone says. I always shake my head when I read threads like this. You ask if you should stay, we say no and why, then you proceed to tell us all the great things about him to justify why you should stay! Which is fine, stay! Play it out, that is how you learn. Often times people need to hit rock bottom before they realize it is time to go. Best of luck!
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Just saw your question about casual I meant FWB but it wouldn't be nice to tell a man who wants a relationship despite his shortcomings that I don't consider him worthy after we have dated and switch to FWB. i would need to be honest that the drinking is a problem but frankly I can't offer my support even if he wants to be sober which he doesnt. OK. There is NO way you should be in a relationship with ANYONE with a recognized or otherwise, addiction and chooses not to change. NO WAY.
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Katie, This is not true. I already told him that I can't see him this week and taking time to thonk about it so I am taking my gut feeling and the advice here seriously! You're gonna think about it? So you need time to think if you want a life filled with disappointment and tears. Really? 1
Zahara Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 This is not true. I already told him that I can't see him this week and taking time to thonk about it so I am taking my gut feeling and the advice here seriously! Think about it? In time his good looks will wear off, the sex will die down and his issues will grate on you. The honeymoon will be over. Don't focus on the superficial -- figure out your values because good looking and intelligence isn't worth the potential disappointment.
RecentChange Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Yeah like everyone else pointed out, this isnt some one who drinks "too much" this is some one with a serious drinking PROBLEM. Title alone - I thought, well there are probably some people who think I drink "too much" as in what kind of professional adult goes out on the town drinking 2-3 days a week (raises hand). My husband works in the beer industry, many of our friends are brewers, pub owners etc, and as an urban, child free couple - we enjoy going out. Very different than drinking too much, sleeping too much ans being depressed about it. Very different than drinking half a bottle of hard liquor. Alcohol is legal - would have you considered dating a heroin addict? What about a guy with a serious coke habit? He's an addict, not a recovered addict but an addict who has no desire to change. You already know the answer - you have to walk away. 1
Author Coldfire Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 OK. There is NO way you should be in a relationship with ANYONE with a recognized or otherwise, addiction and chooses not to change. NO WAY. simpleNfit, Yes, I can't do it. I guess I should be glad I discovered this now as opposed to months later thank you.
MissBee Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Hi all! I recently posted about a guy I really like and he seems to like me too but tends to dissappear and not communicate much between dates.I was frustrated because he wanted to see me on weekends and do things together yet he didnt display too much interest inbetween dates... I am afraid I know why now after several more dates with him- he has a drinking problem. It seems that he often drinks too much, then sleeps too much, then feels depressed, etc. etc. I like him so much and he makes me genuinely happy. But his drinking patterns seem like a very serious issue even though he treats me very well for now. Thoughts? No. If I've just met you and realize you have a drinking problem, and also don't communicate between dates, it doesn't make sense to invest further in my opinion. This person is not your last chance. Drinking problems ruin families and relationships, it's odd when people try to use some insignificant quality like "he's nice" to cover over HUGE problems...they cannot be equated. Some problems and red flags are enough to cancel out other things. This would be one for me.
mortensorchid Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Well who hasn't, put your hand up. It's not me, to be sure. But today? Well, I know many who are functional alcoholics who drink a lot. I do not, I put down alcohol many years ago without a problem. It was like I turned off a switch in my brain and I have not had a drink since then (cigarettes? Another story but everyone is different.) But I digress ... Life is hard enough without that. It just is.
Author Coldfire Posted October 5, 2016 Author Posted October 5, 2016 Hi RecentChange Yes, very different. I was shocked but at least it made sense and now I know the truth. I am just struggling. I rarely like someone so much and it was hard to decline the invitation for a date this weekend. I am not ready to tell him I can't see him ever again because I will not be able to concentrate on work and school if I do that right now. I am sad but at least know I am doing ths right thing. Thank you for the support! Yeah like everyone else pointed out, this isnt some one who drinks "too much" this is some one with a serious drinking PROBLEM. Title alone - I thought, well there are probably some people who think I drink "too much" as in what kind of professional adult goes out on the town drinking 2-3 days a week (raises hand). My husband works in the beer industry, many of our friends are brewers, pub owners etc, and as an urban, child free couple - we enjoy going out. Very different than drinking too much, sleeping too much ans being depressed about it. Very different than drinking half a bottle of hard liquor. Alcohol is legal - would have you considered dating a heroin addict? What about a guy with a serious coke habit? He's an addict, not a recovered addict but an addict who has no desire to change. You already know the answer - you have to walk away.
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