Men think I'm too serious?

[thecrucible]

Can anyone give me some tips to allay my fears regarding dating?

 

I've been single for 3 years now and about 6 months ago I finally started feeling ready for dating again. I'm a little freaked out a bit too tbh. I'm fine talking to men I'm not attracted to (ones I don't fancy I'm pretty confident with) and going on dates and long-term relationships don't put me off (the longest relationship I've had lasted 3 years).

 

The issue for me is that in-between stage between going on dates and things becoming more serious. With some men I've dated over the past few years, they've been great on paper. But I tend to over analyse and when something hasn't felt great, I've backed out fearing that it doesn't have long term potential. The idea of being emotionally intimate and exposing myself to hurt is pretty scary, even though emotional intimacy is something I've always desired.

 

I'm very bookish and I think I come across as too serious to a lot of men. I'm actually a big softie at heart but I usually wait until I feel sure I trust someone before I can really be myself. I do have a good sense of humour (ha ) but it doesn't come out straight away. I I used to be a lot more laid back but was in a few bad relationships - particularly one when I was 18 with 'an angry man'. I feel a lot of guilt still over another relationship which ended 5 years ago. We both made mistakes but I think about him a lot and the mistakes I made which hurt him.

 

The last guy I dated I asked for feedback and he said that sometimes I'm 'difficult to read'. Another guy said I seem to have trust issues. I'm not looking to become a vixen overnight but I would just like to know, how can I come across as more fun to men and encourage them to get to know me more? I would like to men to see me and think I'm more open to being approached without thinking I'm too intense.

 

TL;DR: As a serious kind of girl, how can I look more fun and approachable?

[Space Ritual]

TL;DR: As a serious kind of girl, how can I look more fun and approachable?

 

By letting go of the Outcome.

 

It is ok to have expectations and qualifiers, as to turn ons and turn offs, but if you let them cloud your judgement and over analyze everything you will not only be unhappy, you'll also be alone.

 

If you let bad relation ships carry over into your next, it could spell disaster.

 

Think of it the same way that many Generals bemoan the fact that they fight current wars based on the last war they fought. Generally that turns out to be a bad idea.

[Gaeta]

And you should not open your heart to every stranger crossing your life.

 

You said you have a good sense of humor than bring that out. Let your personality shine through, it doesn't mean you have to open your heart.

 

When I dated I was 100% myself but I was very guarded inside. I said on here 100s of time, when I date men I don't believe a word they tell me until we are exclusive. I take everything with a grain of salt. The man can tell me he is looking for something serious, that I am all he is looking for, I smile but I don't put ANY importance into it until he tells me he wants to date exclusively.

[deep_night]

dont change! there's someone out there for you, who will love you exactly as you are, at your softest, your most intense, your most vulnerable. these men u talked about obviously werent your match.

[thecrucible]

By letting go of the Outcome.

 

It is ok to have expectations and qualifiers, as to turn ons and turn offs, but if you let them cloud your judgement and over analyze everything you will not only be unhappy, you'll also be alone.

 

If you let bad relation ships carry over into your next, it could spell disaster.

 

Think of it the same way that many Generals bemoan the fact that they fight current wars based on the last war they fought. Generally that turns out to be a bad idea.

 

I think I've grown in confidence to the extent that a relationship ending doesn't necessarily spell disaster for me. I mean he could be a waste of my time and not the guy for me anyway or we just don't gel. It's more that I'm quite sensitive so even if I stick to my guns (and I always go no contact after a breakup) the experience tends to hang over me. I think emotional resilience is something I need to work on. It's like I have to give myself permission to feel sometimes because I get nonsensical guilt about something I've done even if it's the guy at fault.

 

I'm really needing to build myself up because being single has not really been a problem to me but I have no single friends so if I want to date, I actually have to go by myself to events like parties in order to meet new people (friends are homebodies and utterly absorbed in their relationships). I feel meh about where I live. I've had itchy feet for over 3 years. I want to move to a city.

[thecrucible]

And you should not open your heart to every stranger crossing your life.

 

You said you have a good sense of humor than bring that out. Let your personality shine through, it doesn't mean you have to open your heart.

 

When I dated I was 100% myself but I was very guarded inside. I said on here 100s of time, when I date men I don't believe a word they tell me until we are exclusive. I take everything with a grain of salt. The man can tell me he is looking for something serious, that I am all he is looking for, I smile but I don't put ANY importance into it until he tells me he wants to date exclusively.

 

I will try my best to bring myself out.

 

And yeah you can't trust some men. It's got quite bad for me because I'm cynical about the loveliest guys though I try my best not to be. I just know some men say all sorts of stuff just to get in my pants. But I kind of want to have some fun and flirt again (just not seen anyone for a while who takes my fancy). 9 times out of 10 when I see a man I really like, I get all Bridget Jones around him.

[thecrucible]

dont change! there's someone out there for you, who will love you exactly as you are, at your softest, your most intense, your most vulnerable. these men u talked about obviously werent your match.

 

Thanks That's really reassuring. I'll have to figure out how to project my personality a bit better.

[FTM042014]

I will try my best to bring myself out.

 

And yeah you can't trust some men. It's got quite bad for me because I'm cynical about the loveliest guys though I try my best not to be. I just know some men say all sorts of stuff just to get in my pants. But I kind of want to have some fun and flirt again (just not seen anyone for a while who takes my fancy). 9 times out of 10 when I see a man I really like, I get all Bridget Jones around him.

 

This is why I recommend to everyone to take it slow at first and get to know someone's character. What is their relationship like with family? Do they have friends and what do they say? What is their outlook on life and the world in general? Ultimately, a good man's actions are what will make you trust him and let down any guard. Not just his words. Perhaps if you date a gentleman that you can tell you like, be up front and say hey, I know I can be hard to read sometimes and I may seem guarded but I like you and if you feel the same then take it slow with me. You never want to change the core of who you are to attract someone. Unless you have some serious issues to deal with of course.

 

You seem smart and introspective. You certainly want a man that fins that attractive and compatible. By changing your approach you may run the risk of having to reveal your "true" self after he's made his decision to date you based on an altered version of you. People do that too much in my opinion. Just be you. Be honest. Be transparent, to a point. The right dude will get that.

[Miss Peach]

I highly recommend going to Natalie Lue's blog called Baggage Reclaim and reading her article called "The Debit and Credit Trust System".

 

The problem is you can't paint all these new men with the same brush as an ex. How would you feel if some guy was jealous and possessive to you because his ex-GF cheated. It's the same deal here. You need to let go of what your exes did to you. I'm not saying to forget the lessons and the red flags, but give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He will show you over time if he is worth trusting or not. If he's not or he's not acting like a good BF then let him go and find another one.

[smackie9]

You want to be approachable, think about what is approachable to you. Do you find a person that is all smiles, cheerful, open and honest making good eye contact, appealing? If it's yes then you need to be that way if you want to get anywhere in life. We all get hurt, there are never any guarantees, only risks when it comes to relationships....it's part of the process. You are going to have to let go.

[thecrucible]

I highly recommend going to Natalie Lue's blog called Baggage Reclaim and reading her article called "The Debit and Credit Trust System".

 

The problem is you can't paint all these new men with the same brush as an ex. How would you feel if some guy was jealous and possessive to you because his ex-GF cheated. It's the same deal here. You need to let go of what your exes did to you. I'm not saying to forget the lessons and the red flags, but give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He will show you over time if he is worth trusting or not. If he's not or he's not acting like a good BF then let him go and find another one.

 

Thanks for the tip. I'm a regular reader of the blog but I don't think I've read that particular post so I'll read up on it.

 

I'm not a possessive person at all - it's more likely I'd be the opposite. I haven't been cheated on before so it isn't that. I have hurt someone very much in the past. It was a relationship where the bf did not spend much time with me for about 6 months (it felt like it was dead in the water). I became upset and lonely and found another man and we ended up breaking up. I evaluate that relationship now and I feel so much compassion for him and I think about my own weaknesses.

 

It's more like trying to avoid guys who'll suck my emotional energy one way or another. It would be good to find someone who doesn't make me worry because they aren't reliable or communicative. I just feel so utterly drained by certain relationships in the past where it felt like I was carrying it.

 

The trust issue for me is more like me not wanting to open up until I'm 100% sure that they're legit. I don't want to show certain sides of my personality until I feel like he respects me/really gets me. When I was 18 I was a different person then but I was absolutely besotted with my boyfriend at the time. He turned out to be abusive and the grief over the breakup just turned to anger at the fact that he got away with it and people took his side against me. So I'm used to the idea of people having two faces. The thing is I'm not a judgemental person but most men I meet I'm not madly in love (heck they probably think the same about me) because it's like I've heard it all before from all kinds of guys and it's hard to know who's genuine and who isn't.

 

You do get a lot of guys who, because I'm naturally quieter, assume it's a confidence thing (it isn't most of the time. I just don't see the point in speaking until I've thought of something interesting to say). Don't get me wrong though. I'm skilled in small talk as I do work reception in my job and it requires a lot of that. I'm a friendly approachable person and I'm always meeting new people. The last time I asked a guy out or made an approach was last year so I have done it in the past. In my experience, this hasn't made a great deal of difference to my dating success rate though. To return to my first question, I do feel I have to make a lot more effort on approach because I think I give off a stand-offish vibe sometimes.

 

Whoops I didn't mean to write an essay

[thecrucible]

You want to be approachable, think about what is approachable to you. Do you find a person that is all smiles, cheerful, open and honest making good eye contact, appealing? If it's yes then you need to be that way if you want to get anywhere in life. We all get hurt, there are never any guarantees, only risks when it comes to relationships....it's part of the process. You are going to have to let go.

 

I am approachable although I have an inadvertent resting bitch face so I sometimes I have to put on a false smile so random older men I don't know don't shout out "smile" when I'm walking down the street sometimes.

 

Eye contact has always been very difficult for me. I mean I have to really think about it a lot of the time and it is often very difficult for me to give totally exact eye contact. I wasn't brought up in a way in which eye contact was common.

 

I'll try my best. I do need to let go. I usually either think I am letting everyone down or I feel let down by my own expectations about another person.

[camillalev]

I know exactly what you mean, I can come across as very reserved and hard to read at first(which comes across as very serious), then once someone gets to know me or I feel comfortable, my nerdy, goofy side comes out. I wish I could just be myself around people when I meet them the way so many others are able to but I kind of hold myself back? I guess you could say my reserved side is a part of me as well but I mostly feel its a hindrance to people getting to know who I really am. I also protect myself/my heart and am afraid of intimacy even though I crave it.

[Pete2304]

dont change! there's someone out there for you, who will love you exactly as you are, at your softest, your most intense, your most vulnerable. these men u talked about obviously werent your match.

 

This. I've been told by my own wife I'm too nice and also have had that response from the odd date I've been on over the years during times we've been separated. I won't change though, I'm softly spoken, I'm a gentleman and I can't stand all the loud mouth idiots who inevitably will be more attractive to women than I am. If being nice, quiet and wanting a relationship more than a quick fix is unnatractive to a woman then I'd probably rather not make the mistake again of getting involved with someone like that, even if that means single life for the foreseable!

[Miss Peach]

It's more like trying to avoid guys who'll suck my emotional energy one way or another. It would be good to find someone who doesn't make me worry because they aren't reliable or communicative. I just feel so utterly drained by certain relationships in the past where it felt like I was carrying it.

 

The trust issue for me is more like me not wanting to open up until I'm 100% sure that they're legit. I don't want to show certain sides of my personality until I feel like he respects me/really gets me. When I was 18 I was a different person then but I was absolutely besotted with my boyfriend at the time. He turned out to be abusive and the grief over the breakup just turned to anger at the fact that he got away with it and people took his side against me. So I'm used to the idea of people having two faces. The thing is I'm not a judgemental person but most men I meet I'm not madly in love (heck they probably think the same about me) because it's like I've heard it all before from all kinds of guys and it's hard to know who's genuine and who isn't.

 

You do get a lot of guys who, because I'm naturally quieter, assume it's a confidence thing (it isn't most of the time. I just don't see the point in speaking until I've thought of something interesting to say). Don't get me wrong though. I'm skilled in small talk as I do work reception in my job and it requires a lot of that. I'm a friendly approachable person and I'm always meeting new people. The last time I asked a guy out or made an approach was last year so I have done it in the past. In my experience, this hasn't made a great deal of difference to my dating success rate though. To return to my first question, I do feel I have to make a lot more effort on approach because I think I give off a stand-offish vibe sometimes.

 

Whoops I didn't mean to write an essay

 

I can relate to a lot of this. I have spent a lot of time and effort on men who made me carry the relationship or just mistreated me. The thing is if your walls are too high, most men are not going to want to tear them down. Most of the ones who will unfortunately usually dysfunctional and will just reinforce the issues. Men want to feel like they are enjoying your company and that you enjoy them.

 

I used to get some guys who told me they weren't sure of my interest. Now I still hold back a bit emotionally until I have a guy figured out, but I don't let him in on it. I compliment him. I tell him how much as I am looking forward to seeing him. Reply to his texts with lots of emojis. Stuff like that. I also don't hold back my feelings but I try to do it in a feminine way. I say things like I'm attracted to men who know how to plan a good date. I try to make him masculine by asking what he thinks about things. I give him a chance to shine and feel special. Yet I don't initiate and most men have been happy to chase if they back enthusiastic appreciation.

 

I never ask a man out so there is no need to approach them. I have figured out I don't enjoy doing the leading. The men I have done that with either were not attracted to me enough to put in the work or they expected me to lead. Just smile and flirt. Look open to meeting them. Act as if you are enjoying them and they are doing something special to get your attention. I am approached on OLD as well as in person. I have had a lot of luck finding quality men at meetups. I tend to do better finding LTR-quality BFs there than on OLD because I can get a sense of chemistry in person, see if they are holding a lot of baggage, etc. before I flirt.

Edited October 5, 2016 by Miss Peach