gagirl93 Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 (edited) Hi everyone! I'm new to this site. As the title says it's so hard for me to trust him as he's done questionable things in the past. We've only been dating for a year. Part 1: A few months back I found that he was "cheating" on me with Tumblr. Yes, that's what I meant, Tumblr! He messaged girls on there completing their bodies (body parts ---- use your imagination). He considers it a recreational video (words I can't add here but you know what I mean. Lol) but the thing is I don't! I feel that it's more so real-life people than an actual p on a p-site which is more so fake than real women using their iPhones & real names to create something only their Significant other should be seeing. Anyways, he did this for months and I had no idea until I used his iPod one day. I was completely blindsided! We were going to get food and everything was great I was about to play music from the iPod until he grabbed it out my hand then ran to the restroom when we stopped at the restaurant. He attempted to delete everything I would deem as inappropriate and disrespectful. He continued to lie until I found out the truth. Even now, he still sees nothing wrong with it. He said, "yeah, I shouldn't of messaged them but it's only p- or that's what I see it as & I don't see the problem with it." When I have an issue with something it never matters because he says I'm overreacting or it just shouldn't be an issue. Part 2: On top of that he has too many female friends I swear he has about 10 and counting not 1 or 2. And most are not in relationships. I think out of all his female friends maybe one is engaged and I find it extremely odd. He considers them ALL his best friends and can't live without them. He's known a lot of them for years but to consider everyone your bf and you're a guy that's a problem (to me). Part 3: Well, this one female friend he hangs with when his male friend comes to town... Him and his male friend can't just ever hangout together they only hangout when she's with them! I also find that extremely odd. (I've told him all of these things) But he still doesn't see an issue. He lied to me about hanging out with her one day when his male friend was in town. They went to a restaurant together and to a friend's house. I was going thru pics one day and I come across a picture of his male friend holding up an iPhone with P on the screen A guy and a girl in a S- position. I confronted him about it and he said he didn't know it was P in the pic. But he took TWO pics of it because the other was fuzzy of it so I was like you HAD TO KNOW. He said it was his male friends sister's phone I was skeptical about that...A month later he finally came clean and told me it was the girl's phone. I felt even more betrayed. AGAIN, the next time he didn't tell me anything or even invite me. (I tell him everything & he's invited everywhere I go. He doesn't have to always go of course.) This was the 2nd time it happened he wouldn't answer my calls almost the entire day. Then he posts a picture on Facebook with 2 of his guy friends and him & her in a pic together. She had her arm propped up on his shoulder and the other guys were far back. I asked him why did she need to prop herself up on you when there were 2 other single guys their who are also supposed to be her bffs. They have been bffs since 5th grade. I believe but I told him that's no excuse When you are single, you do single things but when you are in a relationship I believe you shouldn't be doing some of the things you were doing when you were single. Part 4: I mean I look better & have way more going for myself so I should have nothing to worry but that's not the case he's dated some pretty terrible looking females who weren't independent in the past. I do believe a guy and a girl can be just friends but to an extent. I feel like someone always had feelings for someone whether it be hidden or not. I've never had a crush on my guy friends but we're only human and I believe some of my guy friends have or had crushes on me but I don't play into it is the thing, especially when I'm in a relationship. I can hang with them and have laughs but I keep it friendly. They don't need to be all on me and they know that. Respect should come from both counterparts. Part 5: He's a really friendly person but he also lies to me about dumb stuff because he's afraid of how I'll take it. He deleted his Tumblr. But I feel like he's made a new one since he didn't really see an issue with it, even though I don't have proof. I feel like I have to snoop to put my mind at ease. I know this isn't right but I don't want to e d up hurt when I gave my all. What a terrible feeling! On top of everything he keeps creating new emails. I think to keep me from snooping. But I feel like it's also to hide stuff. Like I have nothing to hide he can go through my phone as much as he wants but he doesn't have to because I've never lied to him about another guy & don't have any intentions on doing so. I've already had insecurities from the past with other relationship & they were all shams. But this one is different. I'm only 23 but I have an old soul. He's 26. I love him and planned on settling down with him. I lost my V-card to him & wanted him to be my last. Part 6: If I ask him not to do something he'll do it anyways & tell me he's not and I'll find out about it later. Like if I ask him not to see a female friend that I'm not comfortable with or see one alone he'll say "if she was a guy you'd have no problem. I just want to get drinks with so & so." I said that's the problem. And he'll ask why is it. He's gonna see them regardless & will argue w/ me over it if I say anything against him seeing his female friends. Like fights for days. That's how much he cares for them. When he does something hurtful to me he doesn't even fight for me like that without me asking if telling. He'll just go on about his day instead of making sure I'm ok like after the Tumblr thing. He didn't start fighting for me until after I threatened to breakup w/him. I ask him what are you gaining from these other females that you aren't gaining from me. It has to be something. Whether or not they are your bffs or not. I don't believe a woman should be all up on a guy when he's a relationship. Like why can't you take the pic like you would a guy friend...(a shoulder width apart). I believe it's both parties job to either respect their friend's relationship or the person in the relationship respect their own relationship. Part 7: My woman's intuition is always kicking in and I constantly have a gut feeling he's doing something wrong. It's become an everyday thing for me to snoop now. And I don't want to live like that or waste that much time to feel more secure in my relationship. He rarely sees issues with his actions and he typically blames his actions on me. He tells me "I only lied to you because I knew you were going through my stuff, don't go through my stuff and I won't like to you." I'm always the one fighting and crying over us. He never sheds a tear. I feel like he doesn't care a lot of times but he tell me he does and that he just shows it in different ways than I. Part 8: I always tell him actions speak louder than words and your actions are not aligned with your words and he gets tired of talking to me and leaves when he feels like I'm rambling too much.It frustrates me because I can't just forget it about especially if we haven't solved anything or came to an agreement. Then he'll say we'll never come to an agreement and we really never do we just skate around it he forgets and I still haven't and I don't forgive and I bottle it up until the next time he does something wrong. He always tells me we're not going to solve anything by talking. Do you want to stop talking and go on about the day... It's always his way it seems because he never does what I ask of him. If he doesn't see an issue with it then there's nothing wrong! He actually called me crazy the other day because I knew he was lying to me. Part 9: He also wants me to read this relationship book & think it'll help. I'm thinking about eventually reading it but I've told him I have insecurities but a book is not going to help when you've read the book & continue to lie & do things that aren't respectful to me or the relationship. He thinks it's mostly & only me with the problem. That I should read the book & it'll solve all our problems & it'll show how he loves me... What should I do? Edited October 3, 2016 by gagirl93
smackie9 Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 Part 4: "I mean I look better & have way more going for myself" so where is your self worth??? This guy is playing you for a fool. All he is doing is pulling to wool over your eyes, and gaslighting you in to thinking you are the problem. He is just being a bully. You deserve someone better than this. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 (edited) Hi everyone! I'm new to this site. As the title says it's so hard for me to trust him as he's done questionable things in the past. We've only been dating for a year. [] What should I do? You should go home to your parents and let them finish the job they started . . . which is to raise a secure, intelligent young woman with self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence, and one who is focused on her needs and future and not allow herself to get wrapped up in a man-child and have the skills necessary to know BS when she hears it. Oh, and you should dump him immediately . . . Edited October 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted full quote of original post ~6 2
Author gagirl93 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Posted October 3, 2016 I love him so I keep fighting. But I'm getting tired of fighting because I'm the only one fighting. I keep thinking it's me because I do have insecurities and he knows that. I just feel it can't be me all the time, every time. These are all his "bffs" but what I'm not understanding is why he's so attached to them now that he has me. When he has time I do see him during his free time for the most part but say he messaged his "bffs" 3 days- a week ago and they don't message him back he'll either call them, search them on Facebook or text them again. I don't understand why... I wish he would say If I see them/ talk to them or not it doesn't really matter. Like a once a year kinda thing. I just didn't want to give up when I gave my all!
Author gagirl93 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Posted October 3, 2016 I still live with my parents, I just turned 23 and have a Biology degree. He's 26. But we were planning on getting a house together next Spring. He's actually the one who initiated it and believes a lot of our problems would go away if we live together. I said if we can't agree now...What's gonna happen then!
Gaeta Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 I love him so I keep fighting. But I'm getting tired of fighting because I'm the only one fighting. I keep thinking it's me because I do have insecurities and he knows that. I just feel it can't be me all the time, every time. These are all his "bffs" but what I'm not understanding is why he's so attached to them now that he has me. When he has time I do see him during his free time for the most part but say he messaged his "bffs" 3 days- a week ago and they don't message him back he'll either call them, search them on Facebook or text them again. I don't understand why... I wish he would say If I see them/ talk to them or not it doesn't really matter. Like a once a year kinda thing. I just didn't want to give up when I gave my all! You love him? Since when is that a reason to remain in a cheating, fooling, lying, betraying relationship? If your sister or your best friend, or even if your mom dated a man like this would that be ok with you? If a man cheated on your mom and lied to her all the time, it would be ok for her to stay with him because 'she loves him' ? You are 23 years old, there are tons and tons and TONS of REAL MEN out there for you to date.
Author gagirl93 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Posted October 3, 2016 He doesn't consider the Tumblr incident mentioned in the Part 1 cheating. He hasn't physically went out and done these to my knowledge. And he has a friendly-outgoing personality so when he wants to talk and talks to his female friends it comes off as flirting to me. No, I wouldn't want a family member to endure all of this! I guess I'm also attached to him because a year is the longest relationship I've been i and he took my v-card. I was originally planning to save it for marriage.
Gaeta Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 No, I wouldn't want a family member to endure all of this! I guess I'm also attached to him because a year is the longest relationship I've been i and he took my v-card. I was originally planning to save it for marriage. If it's not good enough for a sister or your mom than it's not good enough for you! period! You want to marry the man that took your v-card and be miserable for the rest of your life or you want to marry a man that would never play around with other women? You have NINE reasons to break up with the juvenile- irresponsible-joke-for-a-man. Seriously THAT'S the man you wish to show the world ?? raise children with?? If you can't endure dating than you won't endure a life time with him. How will you feel when you're just getting back up from delivering a baby, and between a bottle and a diaper you find him looking at naked women on that site? That's the life you want?
Redhead14 Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 I love him so I keep fighting. But I'm getting tired of fighting because I'm the only one fighting. I keep thinking it's me because I do have insecurities and he knows that. I just feel it can't be me all the time, every time. These are all his "bffs" but what I'm not understanding is why he's so attached to them now that he has me. When he has time I do see him during his free time for the most part but say he messaged his "bffs" 3 days- a week ago and they don't message him back he'll either call them, search them on Facebook or text them again. I don't understand why... I wish he would say If I see them/ talk to them or not it doesn't really matter. Like a once a year kinda thing. I just didn't want to give up when I gave my all! You don't love him, you love the idea of the "him" you want him to be! I keep thinking it's me because I do have insecurities and he knows that. -- He's playing to that . . . you've shown him that you are a doormat and won't pick yourself up from under his feet . . . 1
Author gagirl93 Posted October 4, 2016 Author Posted October 4, 2016 You are right! I guess I didn't want to break my own heart, but staying in this relationship is also breaking my heart. I liked the feeling of having someone and the idea of starting over replayed in my head a million times but it seems unbearable. The whole moving on thing, seeing them with someone else... I definitely have considered all those factors and I know I don't want to be the one in the future handling all the responsibilities while he's looking at other women. I hadn't been in a relationship for 2 years before him and I didn't want to let myself love again but in the beginning he was persistent in showing me that I was his one and only. But then things started to change and I started to see his true colors.
Redhead14 Posted October 4, 2016 Posted October 4, 2016 You are right! I guess I didn't want to break my own heart, but staying in this relationship is also breaking my heart. I liked the feeling of having someone and the idea of starting over replayed in my head a million times but it seems unbearable. The whole moving on thing, seeing them with someone else... I definitely have considered all those factors and I know I don't want to be the one in the future handling all the responsibilities while he's looking at other women. I hadn't been in a relationship for 2 years before him and I didn't want to let myself love again but in the beginning he was persistent in showing me that I was his one and only. But then things started to change and I started to see his true colors. I liked the feeling of having someone -- Just keep thinking about having someone who loves you, treats you with respect, wants to be with you and only you. Think about how you really should be feeling when you're with the right person. Think about living without all the anxiety you've been feeling and for a very long time. See through to the other side of all this . . . Think about YOU for a change! A woman who deserves to be happy and treated like a priority. He isn't treating you like a priority, SO, make yourself the priority. Starting over is nothing but a chance to learn from the past and make the future better and is another building block to becoming the strong, secure, independent, happy woman you can and should be. Having a man in your life should only enhance the happiness a woman already has for herself, not be the entire source of it. He should complement her life, not be her life. This guy is sucking the life out of you . . . take a deep, cleansing breathe and take it back.
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