Broke Up For Second Time More Complicated

October 3, 2016

So we broke up about a month ago but unfortunately we own a house together so it is a little more complicated this time.

We had verbally agreed a couple of weeks ago about her paying back half of the renovations we had done to the house and for her to also pay back money that I had lent her for her daughters school.

Well I went to see a lawyer in order to do up an agreement, on Saturday she noticed an envelope on the kitchen counter and decided to open it up.

Let's just say she was not happy that I went to a lawyer and now wants me out of the house while her and her kids stay there but wants me to continue to pay for half of everything.

She told me that I did this out of anger because she does not want to be with me. So needless to say she is very cold and distant now.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to diffuse this situation?

Why is she angry with me? I was just protecting my interests.

We had agreed that I would live at my parents during the week and she would live with hers on the weekends. That has gone out the window as her and the kids stayed over on Friday night and come and go as they please although she tells me she doesn't want her kids around me so as not to confuse them.

This is a mess and I just want to keep it civil. Any suggetions?

October 3, 2016

Nope. You have a legal right to live in your home.

Are they her children from a previous relationship?

I should just keep cool and calm and explain that it needed to be done so may as well make sure that you both agree and have a written agreement in place so you can both move on.

I do not think you should move out of your home. Spare room yes. Move out no.

She is probably angry because you are looking after yourself and rather than speak to her first about it you went ahead and did it.

Talk to her about it and ask her to come up with a plan for your break up with you that you will both agree to so it doesn't get nasty for either of you.

October 3, 2016

Yes her kids from a previous relationship.

I did speak to her about all this last weekend and told her I was going to get an agreement together which I did this week.

When she realised it was a legal document she accused me of being angry with her and I was doing it out of spite.

I just don't understand why she has her kids around me if she doesn't want to confuse them.

October 3, 2016

You do not have to leave your own home. As Toodaloo suggested, do not share a room with her. But are not obliged to move out of a house you jointly own. I would not do so.

She's probably angry because she realizes she will be obligated to pay you back. Perhaps she was hoping she'd get away with not doing so, or only paying you back on her own schedule and in whatever installments she chooses.

Let her be mad. Her emotions aren't your problem. You need to look out for yourself and your finances, and I feel you did the right thing consulting a lawyer. As far as possible, keep your distance from her while in the house.

Speak to this lawyer about what to ultimately do with the house, too. You won't be able to share it indefinitely, so it would be wise to officially and legally sort out what's going to happen in that regard.

October 3, 2016

I haven't left the home, I am just staying at my parents during the week and going back home on weekends.

I feel it necessary for her kids well being because they are very confused when I am around although she is bringing them around of her own volition.

She is not respecting the agreement we had made and I am just trying not to turn this in to more of a mess than it already is.

She has indicated to me that it may be a few months before we can deal with the house issue so I am looking for advice as to how keep things civil with her.

Like I said she broke up with me so it is confusing to me as to why she wants to play this passive aggressive game with me.

October 3, 2016

I haven't left the home, I am just staying at my parents during the week and going back home on weekends.
I feel it necessary for her kids well being because they are very confused when I am around although she is bringing them around of her own volition.
She is not respecting the agreement we had made and I am just trying not to turn this in to more of a mess than it already is.
She has indicated to me that it may be a few months before we can deal with the house issue so I am looking for advice as to how keep things civil with her.
Like I said she broke up with me so it is confusing to me as to why she wants to play this passive aggressive game with me.

downplay the money she owes you. (Don't tell her it's not important, just don't be mentioning it) Get your lawyer's advice on how to get rid of that house.

brace yourself for a financial spanking....

Best of luck...

edit: her motivations for her actions are irrelevant. Don't move your stuff out. Your lawyer's your only friend.

Edited October 3, 2016 by whatnot
can't delete...I can't give advice on this

October 4, 2016

She is being like this because she is being selfish. She wants you to bend over and agree to what she wants and she hasn't decided what that is yet.

Keep calm, keep reasonable and keep your lawyer close.

Point out that she is not respecting the verbal agreement that you both made and that you just want this to be as simple, painless and easy as possible. Tell her that you respect her decision to end the relationship but she needs to respect the agreements that you jointly make together in order to finalize it all.

Get the house on the market asap if it is being sold.

October 4, 2016

I can't put the house on the market unless she agrees to sell it as both of our names are on the mortgage.

As far as me asking her to respect the verbal agreement we had made, she insists that it is easier for me to live at my parents then it would be for her to move her kids back and forth to her parents on the weekend so therefore she won't do it.

She is telling me that her father might but me out but now that I have presented the agreement to her I'm not sure her father realised how much it would be to for him to do that.

She can't just walk away from the house if her name is on the mortgage can she? Is she still obligated to pay half of the mortgage?

Her and the kids came in late Sunday and were overly happy, her daughter mentioned to me that they were out looking at houses and that they were going to buy one (her parents were going to buy it and they would move in with them I assume).

I have asked her if I can speak with her dad as he would be the one buying me out but she insists that I don't have to do that and she would be pissed if I went to him behind her back.

What a mess this is and it is starting to get to me.

Fair warning to anyone looking to move in with your girlfriends. Make sure to get a cohabitation agreement so that you are not in the position I'm in.

October 4, 2016

I am sorry you are in this situation. The issue is that she is making decisions (breaking up with you) and then expecting accommodations. It just doesn't work like that. When a person makes a hard decision like that they need to follow through with the plan to move out and seek their own way. She cannot have her cake and eat it too and then expect it to be the flavor that she wants on top of that. Buying a house together was probably not the wisest of choices since you were not married or committed to a life together. But setting that aside, can you sit down with her and work with her on a plan based on her choices, but realizing that it has to be equitable? Moving forward with civility is going to be very hard, just because of the nature of the breakup. As you see it changing based on the lawyer etc, it will continue to break down. The best thing you can do is make wise choices and then not have expectations on how civil the household will be, that is out of your control. You can only control your actions and attitudes and responses.

October 5, 2016

The agreement that I presented her is more than fair, all it calls for is her to pay back half of the renovations in order to get half of the equity in the house when sold. As far as I'm concerned she should not try to take half the equity in the home if she has not paid to increase the value of it. As far as the money she owes for her daughters school, that also should not be my responsibility as we verbally agreed that it was her responsibility and she had already started paying it back so she was obviously aware that she owed that money as well

October 7, 2016

Her father called me today (it felt like I was in high school) and seemed to accept the agreement I had presented to his daughter for monies due. I'm going back to the house tomorrow to hopefully pickup the signed agreement and have texted her letting her know my intentions of being back in the house we own for tomorrow night. Things are looking up. Fingers crossed!

I love this forum, it is very therapeutic. Thank you to any and everyone that helps us all!

Edited October 7, 2016 by Mi7522

October 7, 2016

Her father called me today (it felt like I was in high school) and seemed to accept the agreement I had presented to his daughter for monies due. I'm going back to the house tomorrow to hopefully pickup the signed agreement and have texted her letting her know my intentions of being back in the house we own for tomorrow night. Things are looking up. Fingers crossed!
I love this forum, it is very therapeutic. Thank you to any and everyone that helps us all!

Well stand up straight when you see him.

He probably realises that you are just covering your back. Be polite and straight with him. After all its his daughters decision not yours. Shame she is expecting him to bail her out... Thats probably what the "under tone" was...

By the way if you are both on the mortgage it normally means that you are jointly liable. That doesn't mean half and half. It means if one fails they can chase either of you for the full amount...

October 7, 2016

Well stand up straight when you see him.

He probably realises that you are just covering your back. Be polite and straight with him. After all its his daughters decision not yours. Shame she is expecting him to bail her out... Thats probably what the "under tone" was...

By the way if you are both on the mortgage it normally means that you are jointly liable. That doesn't mean half and half. It means if one fails they can chase either of you for the full amount...

I'm not sure I will see her father but I am hoping that the agreement will be sitting on the counter when I walk in the house later today.

She has never indicated that she wasn't going to pay for half the mortgage and even if she didn't I would have recourse to come after her for any payments she has made and then I would be living in the house full time rather than making the concession I am right now by staying at my parents until this gets settled.

October 13, 2016

So I spoke with her again last weekend and she has agreed to sign the agreement. One thing I don't understand is that she continues to not respect our verbal agreement about me staying in the house on weekends. For instance she dropped off her kids at her parents and then came back to the house to do work, although she could have easily did this work at her parents house. She then left to go have dinner there and when I went downstairs to the couch there were all the kids toys and laundry all over it so I decided to sleep in my own bed as I was not cleaning it up. She was not happy about this at all.

October 13, 2016

So I spoke with her again last weekend and she has agreed to sign the agreement. One thing I don't understand is that she continues to not respect our verbal agreement about me staying in the house on weekends. For instance she dropped off her kids at her parents and then came back to the house to do work, although she could have easily did this work at her parents house. She then left to go have dinner there and when I went downstairs to the couch there were all the kids toys and laundry all over it so I decided to sleep in my own bed as I was not cleaning it up. She was not happy about this at all.

She has no respect for you. That is why she is doing this.

Carry on as you are. She wanted to split up and now she isn't getting the benefits. Good on you.

Agreeing to sign and actually signing are two different things... I suspect this one is going to be as awkward as she can be for the sake of it.

October 13, 2016

She has no respect for you. That is why she is doing this.

Carry on as you are. She wanted to split up and now she isn't getting the benefits. Good on you.

Agreeing to sign and actually signing are two different things... I suspect this one is going to be as awkward as she can be for the sake of it.

I should have mentioned that she did stay at her parents on Friday night and I had mentioned to her I would be out of the house by 10 - 10:30am. Sure enough at 9am she shows up to have a shower and do some work.

What makes you think she will make it awkward?

October 19, 2016

I received the agreement today and when I opened the envelope up I realized that they were signed by my ex but none of the 4 copies were dated nor witnessed.

I texted her father (as he seems to be dealing with everything) about it and he said he forgot to check before sending it.

That to me is incompetence at its highest degree. Just ridiculous

Edited October 19, 2016 by Mi7522

October 20, 2016

What makes you think she will make it awkward?

Because she is getting over you. She wants you to be the bad guy so is trying to push all your buttons. She also strikes me as a selfish brat. People like that make things awkward to try and get their own way. She doesn't give a damn about you. She just wants what she wants and to hell with you... So she will play her little game of making things awkward and being a pain in the backside to make her point... She is in essence a child and is behaving like one...

I received the agreement today and when I opened the envelope up I realized that they were signed by my ex but none of the 4 copies were dated nor witnessed.
I texted her father (as he seems to be dealing with everything) about it and he said he forgot to check before sending it.
That to me is incompetence at its highest degree. Just ridiculous

Again - another little play by her "Oh Daddy - yes I have sent the papers"... Her father has his work cut out for him... Poor soul... Keep communicating with him. Your ex is close to useless and is doing this on purpose to stall and antagonize. She probably wants you to scream and shout at her and "blow up" so she can tell everyone how awful you are...

Don't give her the satisfaction.

Just keep plugging on. You are doing well.

November 2, 2016

I was back at our home last weekend and asked her if she wanted to go for dinner and drinks since I would be moving out this coming weekend and it would be the last time she would see me. She obviously said no and I went about my business. Saturday morning she comes up to me in the kitchen and says we can start having sex again but not until I'm emotionally disconnected. WTF! I ask her what she means and she just walked away. Later that night we got together a couple of times.

Sunday morning we are chatting and I reiterate that I will be moving out this coming weekend. She asks me not to move my things until the house is sold to which I agree to.

Monday comes and we get a fantastic offer on the house, one we cannot refuse. The house is sold. I remind her that now that the house is sold I will continue on with my plans of moving out this weekend, she calls me and tells me not to move my things. She tells me to leave everything there so that I don't have to pay storage and her kids will have some furniture downstairs to enjoy. I tell her if I leave my stuff in the house until the closing date (which is still a couple of months away) then I will still come and go as I please to which she agrees to.

My reason being for moving out was so that I no longer was going to be around her and her kids. I am completely confused as to what is going on. As of two weeks ago she could care less if I'm leaving now this.

Not sure what to do right now any advice would be greatly appreciated

Edited November 2, 2016 by Mi7522

November 3, 2016

Anyone have any insight in to this situation?

November 3, 2016

if you wanna stay confused, stay complicit.

November 3, 2016

here's your 10 characters. "delete" isn't an option

Edited November 3, 2016 by whatnot

November 3, 2016

Anyone have any insight in to what to do or what she might be thinking?

November 10, 2016

We were together again on Sunday after she put her kids to bed, she said that we shouldn't sleep together in the same bed because we were no longer a couple and in case her kids woke up at night and came in to our room. So she decided to sleep on the couch that night.

She came up to bed about an hour before I get up to go to work and came in to our bed and got in to my arms. I just held her until it was time to get up and gave her a kiss good bye.

She told me later on Monday that Sunday night was amazing but she has hesitations about our whole situation but doesn't want to talk about it right now.

I have not spoken to her for a couple of days now and have no idea what's going on in her mind and what I should do going forward to win her back.

I'm really confused because when I'm around her she is back to being her affectionate self but when I leave for the week our interaction is non existent unless I initiate.

I really do love her and hope we can work this out so any advise would be helpful

November 10, 2016

We were together again on Sunday after she put her kids to bed, she said that we shouldn't sleep together in the same bed because we were no longer a couple and in case her kids woke up at night and came in to our room. So she decided to sleep on the couch that night.
She came up to bed about an hour before I get up to go to work and came in to our bed and got in to my arms. I just held her until it was time to get up and gave her a kiss good bye.
She told me later on Monday that Sunday night was amazing but she has hesitations about our whole situation but doesn't want to talk about it right now.
I have not spoken to her for a couple of days now and have no idea what's going on in her mind and what I should do going forward to win her back.
I'm really confused because when I'm around her she is back to being her affectionate self but when I leave for the week our interaction is non existent unless I initiate.
I really do love her and hope we can work this out so any advise would be helpful

She's about to go into I want you/I don't want you mode. Get out of there for your own sanity.

Your terms must be that she feel the way that you do on all levels, otherwise its never going to work. Right now, she's just taking what she wants and controlling the situation. You will be regarded as a child by her, if you settle for this.

Walk and keep walking with NC as much as possible, unless she meets you on your terms only.

Sign In

Broke Up For Second Time More Complicated

Recommended Posts

Mi7522

Toodaloo

Mi7522

ExpatInItaly

Mi7522

whatnot

Toodaloo

Mi7522

Bee4Shine

Mi7522

Mi7522

Toodaloo

Mi7522

Mi7522

Toodaloo

Mi7522

Mi7522

Toodaloo

Mi7522

Mi7522

whatnot

whatnot

Mi7522

Mi7522

fromheart

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...