Just found out my boyfriend of 1 year is bisexual.....

[liteoftheworld]

So I've been dating this guy for a year now. And boy what a year it has been! I'll get straight to it. A month into our relationship i found out that he was using craigslist casual encounters to meet women and hook up with them. (although he still denies ever meeting up with these people)

 

I tried to break it off because to me I felt like my health was at risk with him desiring to meet strangers for sex. But he "cried" and I don't leave people so we decided to try to move forward with the relationship.

 

Of course that wasn't the last time it happened but again I didn't want to leave so we stuck it out.

 

About 6 months into our relationship our trust was pretty tarnished and I was going through his emails and found another craigslist ad he had responded to and it was a guy pretending to be a woman. But as I was reading the conversation the guy had admitted that he wasn't a woman but still wanted him to come over because he would smoke weed with him. He responded to the guy saying he wasn't into guys but he would still come over to smoke. The guy responded with "just give me a chance".

 

I never really found out if he went but we did argue about it and that ended with him apologizing for being on Craigslist looking for a woman to have sex with and got tricked.(or so I thought)

 

 

3 more months pass and again I went looking for trouble. I was in his emails and I had found some old craigslist responses from before we got into a relationship. It was mostly women but then there was one for a "down low" ad that he had responded too. It was pretty vague but he was only asking for a blow job instead of his typical sexual interaction.

 

At this point I'm thinking omg he's gay.

 

So I straight up went to him and asked him was he gay?(bad move in hindsight) of course he said no so I presented my evidence. He brushed it of as down low meaning "discreet" like it was a woman that didn't want others to know about the encounter.

 

I didn't want to believe it so I accepted that ****ty excuse and tried to shove on. However the next day I went back through the emails to see if there were others and I found one for an ad a couple had posted looking for a guy to join them. He responded with something along the lines of making the male part of the couple give him oral sex!

 

 

I thought I was going to be sick. I confronted him about it and he told me he just said it to have sex with the woman. But he actually met up with this couple twice! But he said when he got there the guy wasn't into it so he just slept with the woman...

 

We actually broke up for "an entire day". We live together so I packed all my things and went to my mother's place. He called me and asked to meet him to talk after the 24 hours of being single and I told him that I loved him and that I would try to accept him as he is but he needed to be honest with me about it.

 

He stuck to his guns though saying that he isn't sexually attracted to men. I told him the evidence says different and we almost left the restaurant single still but we talked more in the parking lot and he said that he really loved me but he didn't want to be with someone that thought he was gay. And I told him that I couldn't overlook the fact that he said it. But we came to an agreement that he would have to deal with the fact that I still believed there was at least a 10% chance he's bisexual. Since I had to accept his I'm completely straight routine to move forward.

 

He seemed uneasy but he agreed and once again "moved forward " There were more fidelity issues that followed this one but they were with women(not that it's any better) but to be completely honest I allow the idea of loving him keep me in this rate race.

 

However tonight I went through an old email account he doesn't use anymore just to see if he was using it secretly. He wasn't. (Honestly I know I've been going about this all wrong for looking through his emails, and honestly I know he hides things and I don't leave him so idk why I do it to myself but the saga continues)

 

I searched his email for craigslist posts and another old response to a Craigslist ad came up. It was for a cross dressing guy looking to give a blow job. He was very interested in the guy coming over and being discreet about the blow job. But the guy backed out because he lived to far away.

 

 

Then I saw MULTIPLE responses to transgender ads. Saying things like "I've never been with a transgender before and he wanted to check it off his bucket list" and others asking for more blow jobs .

 

All the ads involving him and a man sexually he responded to were from 5 or 6 years ago(with the exception of the guy posing as a woman) and I don't have any issues what so ever with any part of the LGBT community but I'm in this to make it last forever and I don't think I'm comfortable being with a man who likes to have any kind of sex with men.

 

I just don't know how to walk away from relationships. And the thing is i don't know if I should just say it was before us so whatever. Or try to figure out how to drop everything I've built with him because of this. Any advice is appreciated

Edited October 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[gorf]

 

I just don't know how to walk away from relationships.

 

Any advice is appreciated

 

Here is how you walk away. This is a mess. An absolute train wreck. You know it or you would not be here spelling it out. Leave. Do you really think people are going to somehow convince you to stay in this disaster of a relationship? Really, you will be doing yourself a favor, this guy cant be trusted and he has proven that true. How much longer are you going to let this go on? Get out

[Buddhist]

First of all, bisexuality is actually pretty common, what isn't common is people being open about it. However, there is no evidence here that your man is bisexual, he could have just been experimenting to figure out if this is something for him or not. As people do.

 

Aside from that any possible bisexuality isn't your main relationship issue. Cheating is. That's the real concern. You can't trust him, you know you can't and this whole 'he might be bisexual' I think is just a coverup for the fact you can't stand his infidelity issues.

 

Exactly why don't you leave people? That seems pretty odd, some people just aren't for us and naturally we need to leave them for our own sanity and mental health. This seems to be the case with your guy. Just tell him you're not into him because of his fidelity issues, you've given him enough chances and you are out of there.

[grays]

The possible bisexuality seems like such a small issue compared to the cheating and lying. I can't imagine that that's the deal breaker for you. You do realize that's he's gonna just be doing this the entire time you're with him, right? Do you really wanna look up in ten years and realize youvre still playing this game?

[ExpatInItaly]

Got news for you:

 

Your boyfriend isn't in love with you and doesn't respect you.

 

If that's not a deal-breaker, then we can't help you.

 

Also, you say you can't figure out how to drop everything you've built. Here's something to consider - it's really only been you doing the building. You knew a month in that he can't be trusted. While you have been in denial and pushed on with building anyway, where was he? Looking for other people. What you have with him is largely one-sided and on a very shaky foundation. Sooner or later it will collapse anyway. It takes two people to make a relationship really work, and you're basically the only one invested here. He sure isn't.

 

And please, get yourself tested for STIs. If he's hooking up with randoms online, you need to do everything you can to make sure your health isn't compromised.

Edited October 3, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Toodaloo]

I don't think you can cope with this so I think you need to walk away.

 

How to do it...

 

Well one day you pluck up the courage. You pack up your things and say something along the lines of "this is not working out for me and I don't want to be in a relationship with you" then you walk out the door and don't look back.

 

When you get home you sob your heart out and let it all out of your system, then you call up your girlfriends, you get involved with all those things you want to do. You pick yourself up and put the pieces back together again.

 

Sounds easy but never is.

 

Good luck.

[Lois_Griffin]

You're no longer a victim - you chose to be a volunteer 11 months ago.

 

You had barely 4 weeks invested in him when you caught him the first time - he was still basically a stranger, yet because he 'cried' when you caught him at his sleazy Craigslist activity, you chose to stay with him and continue risking your sexual health with this deviant.

 

I'm being honest here. This is the sleazy bullcrap you signed up for.

 

You keep catching the guy and then you say 'we moved on...' but the truth is, 'we' didn't do anything. In your case, 'moving on' simply means YOU chose to once again eat another bite of the sh*t sandwich he continually serves up to you.

 

I hate to tell you, but if you're in this hot mess 'to make it last forever,' your diet for the next 30 years is going to be a whole lot of the same sh*t sandwiches you're eating now.

 

Why anyone would sign up for that is just beyond me.

[elaine567]

This is not really about whether he is bisexual or not, the guy is in an open relationship which was never really formalised with you, but which you appear to give tacit approval of by sticking around regardless, no matter what you find out about his "extra-curricular activities".

 

You have "built" a house of cards here and maybe you enjoy doing all this continuous detective work, but is this really any way to live? Not to mention the health risk you are taking every time you have sex with him as no doubt he doesn't like wearing condoms...

 

What will it really take? Chlamydia, Herpes, HIV, pelvic inflammatory disease, infertility... before you take stock of this messed up situation.

[Sunkissedpatio]

For men admitting they are bisexual is a stepping stone to fully coming out.

 

The thing you need to understand about gay men is that they make a life of lies and concealing their true identity until they are comfortable enough to face the world with who they really are. So they are very good liars. To say this man is confused is putting it lightly.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through all this but even if you chose to stay with him and he claims he is "bi" he will always have a man on the side because that is what he wants and who he really is.

 

A year feels like a long time but in the gran scheme of things it really isn't if you need to walk away.

 

You NEED to walk away, do not entertain trying to work through this, you are just a beard for him and he will keep you around to outwardly show the world he is straight but secretly always desire the intimacy of a man.

 

You said yourself, you can't be with someone who is sexual with other men in any shape way or form. That is what you have and will have for years to come. Get out now, it will be hard but you will survive it. Don't rationalize staying, there is no reason whatsoever to stay with someone who is sexually confused.

Edited October 3, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[BaileyB]

Your boyfriend is cheating on you, he's lying to you, and he's putting your health at risk.

 

You NEED to leave him. For your physical and emotional health, you need to pack your things and walk out the door. And seriously, don't give him a second thought!

 

If you chose to stay, you are choosing to be a victim. You are telling him that you don't respect yourself such that you are allowing him to use and abuse you. Please don't do that.

[Gaeta]

So it's ok he cheats on you with women but not if he cheats with men?

 

Who cares if he puts up a fight when you break up with him, just break up already.

 

Next time when you find a BF cheating on you at 1 month in don't take him back.

[stillafool]

Why do you feel so desperate that you have to have a man at any price?

[SoleMate]

Sometimes we talk about red flags. However, this is a whole marching acrobatic parade of flaming scarlet world-class banner twirlers accompanied by a big brass band of what the H3!!. The banner they are carrying reads, "The individual you found on Craigslist is not hetero and not honest and not good for you."

[jen1447]

To answer the gay question - yes he's gay (or bisexual actually, he likes men and women). Stop even pondering that bc it's obvious, and the only reason you've convinced yourself you're unsure is so that you can bargain on his behalf.

 

The bigger question is why you'd want to do that. Your future w this guy is bscly a purgatory of forever running around checking all these email accounts. Is that what you want to spend the rest of your life doing?

[mortensorchid]

You don't know how to walk away? What else is it going to take for you to walk away from this guy?!?!! Does he have to commit murder? Rob a bank? Molest children? No really, I'M ASKING! The fact that he is doing what he's doing on Craigslist is not really the point, it's the fact that you know and you continue to take him back. Your self esteem is in the gutter and you have to get it out. Best of luck.

[preraph]

If you think you're confused, I'm here to tell you that he is the confused one. Look, I've had a lot (in the past -- all deceased now) of gay male very close friends who would tell me everything, and it is very common for guys who say they're gay to nonetheless go looking for gay sex and transgender sex. They can't admit they're bi, but they are, and sometimes even totally gay once the dust settles. Now, I'm fine with gay and bi, but I'm not fine with someone too wimpy to admit to their own sexuality over a lifetime. Know what I mean? I want a man who knows who he is.

 

Now there is a dark side of his activities that can also be the case, but either way he's still bi. And that is he is willing for anyone or anything to give him a BJ and is indiscriminate about it. Which to me sounds like sex addiction, or close to it.

 

Either way, he's been a liar to you and that's disrespect you don't need in your life. I dated a bi guy or two, but that's me, and they weren't lying to me or I would have dumped them.

[Calmandfocused]

Lots of people are bisexual. However lots of bisexual people do not meet strangers (male or female) for sexual acts when they are in a manogomous relationship.

 

You're issue isn't his sexuality. If he's in a committed relationship with you, sexual acts with others isn't acceptable whether he's hetro, gay, bi, bicurious, trisexual or whatever he choses to call himself. Also, I doubt whether you can work his sexuality out for him. This is something he needs to do himself and may or may not do so in his own time.

 

He's cheating on you. Period! Enough for you to tell him to sling his hook.

 

Fwiw, I don't necessarily agree that he is gay. Sexuality is a very complex issue and trying to pigeon hole people only creates unnecessary anxiety for everyone concerned.

[Michelle ma Belle]

First of all, bisexuality is actually pretty common, what isn't common is people being open about it. However, there is no evidence here that your man is bisexual, he could have just been experimenting to figure out if this is something for him or not. As people do.

 

Aside from that any possible bisexuality isn't your main relationship issue. Cheating is. That's the real concern. You can't trust him, you know you can't and this whole 'he might be bisexual' I think is just a coverup for the fact you can't stand his infidelity issues.

 

Exactly why don't you leave people? That seems pretty odd, some people just aren't for us and naturally we need to leave them for our own sanity and mental health. This seems to be the case with your guy. Just tell him you're not into him because of his fidelity issues, you've given him enough chances and you are out of there.

 

Amen! My thoughts exactly.

[smackie9]

You need to take a good look at yourself and ask why are you so insecure that you can't make a healthy decision to leave this guy....seriously are you naive? have no self respect or self worth? How much pain/hurt can you stand? No one, and I mean no one deserves a second chance when playing sexual roulette. Please end it with him.

[coolheadal]

Plan and simple you know that this is no way to be treated by anyone like this. You just tolerate his behavioral dysfunction and just very sad you do so. Listen just get OUT NOW! Find someone who values you as a person and not the other way around.

[Miss Peach]

When I first saw the title I thought the thread was going to be quite a bit different.

 

You just need to learn to say no. If you don't want to be with him then don't. I don't think anyone would blame you if you wanted to leave. Regardless of whether he did or didn't he has lied to you a lot.

[liteoftheworld]

I'm not desperate but i don't love conditionally. But i do have some work to do on my understanding on others and how they treat me. but thanks for the input.