Bigredcasey Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 Sorry for the long details but I just needed to say everything So I have been talking to this girl for three months. We talk everyday through text. I ;have met her parents and she has met my parents. We see each other once a week because she is super busy. She was cheated on and wants to take things slow. We have had sex multiple times and she sleeps over my place once in awhile. I am in love with this women and I am really scared to tell her because I was in a long term relationship and got blind sided by the breakup and it took me a long time to finally get over my ex and move on. I am afraid to be hurt again. I don't know if I should tell her because we are not officially together. I have brought up the label talk to her and she said she isnt ready to label it yet and she feels like labeling it too soon can ruin what we have and plus it wouldn't change anything anyway. I feel like three months is a short time to say I am in love but I also did this last time wth my ex around the three months and we lasted 7.5 years. I know 100% I am in love but don't know if I should tell her next time I see her. I just don't want to ruin anything with her. She has told me that she isn't talking to anyone else and that she hasn't felt this way in a long time. What do you think I should do?
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 Can I ask you why you feel the need to tell her you are in love with her when the relationship isn't official? 1
Smoothman Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 Yes of course you should, 3 months is plenty of time, why on Earth do you think that's not "long enough"??!! And "not official" That's nonsense! You talk every day, sleep together, have sex, in what way is this NOT a relationship?? Most people know within one or two.
preraph Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 Well, she's obviously skittish, and male or female, being told "I love you" when you're not ready to make that statement back or commit to that will scare someone who is skittish or NOT in love off. I don't recommend you do it. I do, however, recommend you ACT it. Actions speak louder than words. Be sure you are acting like a date, not an FWB just there to have sex with her. Take her on real dates where you act like a gentleman and pick her up and treat her special and go someplace nice but what you can afford, of course. Just make it a real date if you aren't already. Do not ask her out or over at the last minute. Treat her with the respect you'd treat the woman you want to marry. Ask her on dates at least a couple days in advance. This sends the message that you are trying to be respectful to her, not just have sex. Help her any chance you get with her car, anything handyman around the house, whatever. Everyone needs someone to lean on from time to time. Treating her with respect and protectiveness and being there for her is the best way to say I love you. See how that changes things, and then reassess in six months. 1
smackie9 Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 Maybe talk to her more about how she feels about being exclusive. If she is still uncertain, then she isn't ready to hear it. 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 I strongly agree with the ladies here. I would firm up the relationship status first, having regular sex and seeing each other once in a while but texting frequently does not a relationship make. You will be hanging yourself by putting those words out there before you know where you both stand. There is absolutely not rush to tell her that. If you truly are in love with her, your feelings will only keep growing as time passes. Now if you are trying to tell her this to see where her head is at be ready to possibly be disappointed. You've already expressed you are not up for that. Better to have the "where do we stand, let's make this official" talk then putting those three words out that you can never take back. Good luck! 2
Author Bigredcasey Posted October 3, 2016 Author Posted October 3, 2016 I do take her on dates and what not and I act like I am in love with her. I have taken her on a picnic date to the beach at night and we watched the stars and I got all her favorite foods and wine and even chocolate covered fruit. She said it was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for her. I have asked her how she feels and she said she isn't ready to label it yet. I understand where she is coming from because she was cheated on. When we are together we act like we are together I just don't know haha. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 I have asked her how she feels and she said she isn't ready to label it yet. I understand where she is coming from because she was cheated on. Do not tell her you love her yet. If she said the above it means she definitely isn't there yet and you will just have her feeling pressured. 2
Jimmyjackson Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 I'm a big believer that it takes at least a few months to 'fall in love'. I'd say the first 6 months of a relationship/dating is usually pure infatuation and it's easy to confuse strong feelings of desire with love. I'd say have the 'official' talk first then see how things go the next few months. 3
smackie9 Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 Just keep doing what you have been doing. There will be a day (soon I'm sure) she will start hinting or there will be that right moment when it feels just right between you. 1
ThorntonMelon Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 Im really bummed for you, BRC. You're absolutely killing yourself here to woo this woman and it seems to me that she likes the attention and the flattery but doesn't view you the same in return. Not only should you not be telling her you love her, you should not be planning picnic dates, you should be choosing between two options: 1. Find someone who is emotionally healthy enough to date. 2. Keep sleeping with her and dating but mirror her (that is, you're not making it exclusive either). That's it. There is no option 3, no love, nothing else. Any other approach you take is basically asking to be hurt later. Which is of course your call, nothing wrong with deciding you're willing to throw yourself off a bridge without a net or parachute, but this woman has been very clear where you sit on her list of priorities.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 If she's not ready to put a label on things, then she's really not ready to hear that you are in love with her. 2
TooRational Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 I have a hard time processing some of the replies here. I find it unfathomable that it's possible to date someone for 3 months while still not being sure if the relationship is exclusive or not. Really? Do some great relationships really start off with both parties sleeping around for a few months while feelings get sorted out? I never had the exclusive discussion with my ex. Maybe I should have but I assumed that we were exclusive after maybe 2-3 dates (sex on each of those dates). We weren't official bf/gf until 3 months into the relationship though. In the end, I learned that my ex had one date a few days after she first met me but that was it. Now about whether or not you should tell her is not easy to answer. I was kinda in the same situation than you. I made it quite clear to her that I was very in love with her but without saying the words. I knew that she needed time. She told me herself after about 3 months. If I had to redo it, I would say it sooner. Honesty and authenticity is very important in a relationship and IMHO having to hide your feelings is not really a great start. I know that next time I won't wait as long to say it if I really feel it. If that ends the relationship early, it will probably be for the better.
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