how do I know if I'm falling for him? 27 weeks pregnant...

[toot86]

I apologise for the long background to the problem, but I feel it is necessary to know to get the best advice for my predicament. So please have a read and let me know what you think.

 

My partner and I have had quite a rocky relationship over the last 12 months since we got together. There is an age difference of 14 years (he’s 44 and I am 30) and although we got on well, had some good laughs and I felt secure in his feelings towards me, it was difficult for me to see him as someone I would ultimately settle down with. He told me he was falling in love with me after only two months.

 

The main problem was that I was struggling to develop that ‘butterflies’ attraction that I’d felt with other people I had been with (who had not turned out to be so good for me). I feel like the chance to do this was inhibited by his inability to relax and trust me in our relationship as he was quite insecure and believed because I had not expressed real love towards him that it meant that I would go wandering one day. These were clearly his own issues. I didn’t feel as sexually active with him as I had been with other boyfriends in the past and rarely felt like being the one to initiate sex, which is mainly how he justified his dissatisfaction with the intimacy in our relationship and this would often cause arguments and frustrations, which lead to one or two breakups in the first 6 months.

 

However, after each breakup I felt like it just didn’t feel right not to have him in my life and it was therefore very easy for me to be lured back into giving us another shot, despite some friends telling me that it shouldn’t be this hard at such an early stage of the relationship. After 7 or 8 months, I found that I still lust wasn’t able to muster up that romantic spark with him and was considering breaking up with him for good this time, as I thought I should have been feeling something stronger by this point.

 

For me it felt like the problem was that we were better as friends than as lovers as I could be open and myself around him (and was probably sometimes a little too honest with him) but just didn’t have that chemical attraction. By this stage with the dramas we had been through he was starting to feel fed up too and told me he was no longer in love with me like he thought he was.

 

Then we found out around the same time by accident that I was in fact, 7 weeks pregnant. At first, given the situation I wasn’t sure whether to keep the baby, as I didn’t want to bring a child into a broken relationship. Although my partner felt the same, he said he would be very upset and disappointed if I chose to terminate the pregnancy and wanted me to have the baby because it was after all, a human life. After spending a few days thinking and talking with him, friends and family and giving it some serious consideration myself, I made the decision to keep the baby, mainly because I had overwhelming support of my family, my partner said he would support me and the child 110% whether we were together or not, and I was now 30 and in my prime years to have a child and I didn’t want to leave it any later for fear that it may not happen again in my fertile years.

 

I feel that my decision to keep the baby and my decision of whether or not to stay with my partner was ultimately two totally independent decisions. In the end we decided that we would not stay a couple for the sake of the child, but that we would agree to continue a platonic relationship to co-parent our baby. From the moment we had made that mutual decision, I felt ten times better about going forward with the pregnancy.

 

Anyway, now fast forward a few months. I am now about to start my third trimester and I am feeling truly content about becoming a first time parent. Somehow over the last couple of months my now ex-partner has given me a strong sense of security and become one of my best friends through his acts of nurture, support, concern and care he has demonstrated towards me during some very trying times in this pregnancy.

 

He has demonstrated going above and beyond to make sure I am comfortable and has put all my needs first, and I feel he is just as supportive towards me and the development of our baby girl as any other couple who are married and in love. He often says he will always be there for the two of us, even if we don’t love each other romantically. My family are over the moon and get on with him really well, which makes it easy and we have managed to live together platonically (sleeping in separate rooms) for the last few months without an issue.

 

We have not had a true argument since before the pregnancy, possibly because the romance and sex has been taken out of the picture. Ideally, this was the kind of relationship with him I thought I wanted a few months earlier.

 

The problem now is that I feel that I am really starting to miss the real relationship we had tried. I miss the affection, I now find myself fantasizing about having sex with him, I catch myself gazing at him thinking about how attractive our daughter will be, which mean I am finding him more attractive now then before, I am no longer as bothered by the little habits he had before that annoyed me and turned me off, I find myself speaking highly of him towards friends and family now, something that had never come naturally to me before, I have this sense of needing to cuddle up and be close to him all the time, and I can still be open and myself around him.

 

I feel it easier now to cooperate with him on a day to day basis and I find myself feeling very proud of all the things he has done well over the last few months. I miss him when he’s not around, whereas before I just felt like I often needed my own space.

I keep thinking of what a great father he is going to make and I get very sad at the thought of ultimately not being a family together down the track when the baby comes and we make the decision to move on to find new love, when we’ve settled as parents and the timing is right, as we talked about and agreed.

 

I don’t feel after the heartbreak I’ve put him through previously that it would be smart to tell him now how much I miss him, since we are currently in a good place and I feel that trying again with him would pose a high risk of things perhaps not working out between us again and me wasting his time to find real love (which is a big factor because of his age). I do find myself wondering if it was easier to fall for him now because the pressure about his lack of trust had been taken off me as he has told me he’s managed to get to a place within himself where he truly wants me to be happy with the right person, even if that person is not him and I no longer feel like I am being analysed.

 

On the other hand, I wonder if all these changes in feelings have simply come about from the effects of my hormones during pregnancy and that it is simply the buzz in oxytocin flowing through me that is causing this feeling of being attracted and in love with him.

So I need some advice on how to figure out if what I am feeling is real love or its just what happens to a woman’s brain during pregnancy?

 

I don’t want to make any moves that could break his heart any further than I have before, but on the other hand, if things have truly changed and it is real, this could be my ultimate last chance to have a happy family of my own?

 

Any thoughts, advice or knowledge about this stuff is greatly appreciated…

Edited October 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Timshel]

My advice would be to continue with the current friendship and co-parent after the baby is born. After you give birth, co-parent and if you like, date him.....back at square one.

 

Being pregnant is bringing out a 'nesting' desire, it's perfectly natural. It will take some time after giving birth for your hormones to regulate. Don't make romantic decisions about this guy when prior to your pregnancy you had no chemistry and did not see a future with him.

 

Focus on giving birth and co-parenting for the time being; you will have some kind of relationship with this man for the rest of your life, so there is no reason to pursue a romance with him when your biology and emotions are in a state of flux.

 

It is very likely that after you give birth and are balanced, your opinion of him will return to what you felt prior to pregnancy.

[Springsummer]

It seems you will be a fool to let this man go.

 

I was all for butterfly, attraction, chemical and head over heel sort of things. Now I realize what's most important is a decent man who truly love you.

[Mr. Lucky]

On the other hand, I wonder if all these changes in feelings have simply come about from the effects of my hormones during pregnancy and that it is simply the buzz in oxytocin flowing through me that is causing this feeling of being attracted and in love with him.

So I need some advice on how to figure out if what I am feeling is real love or its just what happens to a woman’s brain during pregnancy?

 

I don’t want to make any moves that could break his heart any further than I have before, but on the other hand, if things have truly changed and it is real, this could be my ultimate last chance to have a happy family of my own?

 

Any thoughts, advice or knowledge about this stuff is greatly appreciated…

 

Don't you think it's telling that it took you not being in a relationship with him to feel better about him? And that being in a relationship was a vibe killer?

 

Sounds like he'd make a better dad than a BF or husband...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Toodaloo]

Hormones are a wonderful thing.

 

Lucky you to have a supportive guy there.

 

I personally think you should wait until you are more settled.

 

If you have been breaking up and getting back together it doesn't bode well at all for a future relationship. Even less so with a baby in tow.

 

You are 30 not 90. You have plenty of time yet.