He broke up with me--- feel like he's not telling the whole truth

October 2, 2016

I am back again, after my last post things got way better but just temporarily.

About a month ago the now ex boyfriend, picked up a second job because he felt he was getting slumped with bills and did not have money. I was hesitant because I felt this meatn I would be put on the back burner, I understood though that he needed the money and therefore was nothing but supportive.

Two weeks into his new job he flat out tells me he would rather "fly solo" because if he can't take care of himself how could he take care of me and that although he still loves me he couldn't give me what I wanted right now.

Once again, I understood, during this " break" as he would call it he would send me good morning texts and check in on me through out the day (very confusing to me), sometimes he would call tell me he loved me and missed me. He also said he needed some time and would basically come back. During this time, I tried to take my time to Reply to texts and deleted my Facebook so he couldn't see what I was up to.

A week ago, just last Saturday he tells me he has no plans on getting back together, that he really just wants to focus on work that relationships are stressful and he doesn't want any of that with anyone... That I was the best he's ever had.

On Friday afternoon, I was informed he had been found on the same dating app OKC where we met- very heartbreaking, there he listed he had recently ended a relationship and was looking for friends but if it develops so be it.

My dumb self confronted him about it in person on Friday, he apologized, said he was just curious and had no actual intention of meeting with anyone or starting anything and he deleted his profile. He wanted to cuddle and kept going in for kisses that I kept denying. (I needed to get some of my stuff from his house too)

Yesterday, I noticed there was a new friend on his page, a girl who I have never ever heard of or met and once again confronted him. I asked him if he had met her on okc and he didn't say anything to that except for "what's wrong with just talking to them?" ... I explained to him that how could he go looking for "friends" on a dating app- that he broke up with me because he didn't have time (he works 7 days a week with little to no free time" - that he emphasized the fact that he didn't have time yet here he goes making time for this new "friend".

I get he is single now, but his actions are contradicting what he's told me. I am hurting because I asked him to just be honest with me and it's literally been just a week since we parted ways. It would hurt so much to find out that he's using his free time for this other girl other than with me. Am I wrong? Please advice.

October 2, 2016

It reads to me that he's just lost interest in you and wants to date others. It happens all the time. At this point, worry about you and your self respect. STOP engaging with him and put him on ignore. If you keep having contact w/him, you'll only be stroking his ego and letting him play you like a piano.

He want to move on to different girl. Let him and shut the door for any further ego strokes from you.

October 2, 2016

99.9 % of the time, dumpers suger-coat the truth.

Its very rare for a dumper to admit they fell out of love but they will admit to it if you push for answers enough.

It's actually quite selfish on the part of the dumper to suger-coat the truth. They should either state the truth or become a ghost, anything in between is selfish.

Edited October 2, 2016 by marky00

October 2, 2016

It's actually quite selfish on the part of the dumper to suger-coat the truth. They should either state the truth or become a ghost, anything in between is selfish.

Ghosting is hard on people too. My friend recently experienced this. She just wanted answers and spent weeks wondering what was going on. I think the best thing in the end, is just to be forthright.

I understand ghosting is seen as acceptable. I just think it would spare a lot of people overanalyzing or wondering days on end.

October 2, 2016

Ghosting is hard on people too. My friend recently experienced this. She just wanted answers and spent weeks wondering what was going on. I think the best thing in the end, is just to be forthright.

I understand ghosting is seen as acceptable. I just think it would spare a lot of people overanalyzing or wondering days on end.

Oh yes, I have been ghosted.

Its truly awful but it's not a selfish act, that's my point. Front up and tell it as it is or be an A hole and ghost the dumpee.

Anything in between is selfish sugar-coating.

Agreed forthright is best but many dumpers don't have the skills or guts for that. For these folks, I recommend they go the ghosting.

Edited October 2, 2016 by marky00

October 2, 2016

duplicate post

October 2, 2016

Honestly, I rather him tell me fell out of love or that he just didn't feel a connection with me than go and tell me he still loves me and the next day go and find some new girl. Even his mom intervened and asked him why he would do me so "dirty" and he said "it's not her, I just don't have time for a relationship". Keep in mind, this is a 26 year old guy who once talked about marrying me and having kids with.

Thank you all for your advise Feels good to let these frustrations out of my chest.

October 2, 2016

Its truly awful but it's not a selfish act, that's my point. Front up and tell it as it is or be an A hole and ghost the dumpee.

I feel ghosting is just a selfish way of avoiding their own emotional discomfort.

If you only have known the person for a short while, it's fine. But when you have built some trust with a person and they completely disengage from you, it feels like betrayal.

I understand affairs of the heart can be brutal. Personally, I'd feel a sense of overwhelming guilt doing that to someone I've actually got to know.

October 2, 2016

I feel ghosting is just a selfish way of avoiding their own emotional discomfort.

This is where its tricky.

You need to see it from the eyes of the dumpee. Anything less is being selfish.

If you care, be forthright. And if you don't care or you care but you know you will botch the breakup talk, become a ghost.

October 2, 2016

Makes sense,

I still see it as a little cruel I would say. You go from feeling so loved and wanted to nothing- to the point that you don't deserve a proper answer. It sucks.

October 2, 2016

Agreed.

It hurts big time.

But at the end of the day, people are mostly selfish so more times than not, dumpers spew out the sugar-coated version.

That what you got in this situation.

October 2, 2016

But at the end of the day, people are mostly selfish so more times than not, dumpers spew out the sugar-coated version.

I was dumped through a candy-coated excuse. At the time her reasons made no sense and had me all sorts of confused. Maybe I would have been angry by the truth. I realize now she was trying to spare my feelings.

I've learned a lot from all the guidance and support on this forum. In the end, it doesn't matter. They don't want you. Pick up the pieces and move on.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." — Mark Twain

October 2, 2016

Honestly, I rather him tell me fell out of love or that he just didn't feel a connection with me than go and tell me he still loves me and the next day go and find some new girl. Even his mom intervened and asked him why he would do me so "dirty" and he said "it's not her, I just don't have time for a relationship". Keep in mind, this is a 26 year old guy who once talked about marrying me and having kids with.

Thank you all for your advise Feels good to let these frustrations out of my chest.

In your last thread you said he told you he no longer felt the spark with you. He is only 26 and waiting to sign divorce papers. I think he wants to date around but keep you on the back burner for a while. If I were you I would get all of my stuff from him and let him go. If you try to hang on to him he will hurt you more.

October 2, 2016

Yes, that's what had happened and everything was back to "normal" soon after, I did start slowly pulling away for the sake of my heart, like I tried to not be as eager and wait for him to contact me first. I guess he just wasn't the one for me.

October 2, 2016

Agreed forthright is best but many dumpers don't have the skills or guts for that. For these folks, I recommend they go the ghosting.

For these folks, I recommend they drop into a hole and die to spare the rest of the world from their simpering, cowardly ways.

Ghosting is NOT acceptable, and not having the skills or guts is not an excuse to ghost. It's a wake-up call to get one's sh*t together and learn to face the challenges of life head-on rather than coast along while everyone in your orbit props you up and gives you the false sense that you are a whole and fully contributing person when you are just a pathetic bottom feeder with nothing real to offer anyone. You are weak and you stay weak this way. These people need to stand up and grow up by growing a pair.

October 2, 2016

"I will always love you, but it's just not going to work honestly. I'm not going to force anything that isn't there. You're an amazing person, no doubt you were one of the best things that has ever happened to me."

This is what he just sent me. And yeah it just pisses me off he still has the balls to tell me he loves me. I guess it's really over.

Thank you Greencove, honestly I refuse to believe there is such thing as "ghosting" it just seems to be absolutely heartless, childish and immature.

October 2, 2016

I hit "send" too soon and wanted to respond to the OP's situation.

OP, your ex isn't rejecting YOU, necessarily, but rather running away from the commitment. When he's saying he "doesn't have time" for a relationship, it's not necessarily a lie, it's the commitment he doesn't have time for. He probably was feeling suffocated, through absolutely no fault of your own. Maybe he felt that at 26 he doesn't have himself together enough to consider marriage and family yet. And rather than sit down and open up a discussion with you about his fears, he bolted. It's cowardly, but I give him some slack given he's only 26. He probably meant everything he said to you about you being the best he has had, etc.

The finding a girl on OKC isn't "replacing" you; it's someone he can hang out with without making a commitment to. As a stranger, he doesn't owe her what he felt he owed you, and so it's easy for him to "make time" because there is no risk or requirement to grow up or perceived loss of self to contend with. His saying one thing and doing another probably isn't him being sneaky with you so much as him not really being aware of all the feelings at work in him.

But don't get mired in all that. The bottom line, as someone already said, is that he doesn't want you. Take it at face value and cut him off. Live for YOU. Maybe one day he'll try to come back and maybe he won't, but by then you'll be in a very different relationship to this whole unfortunate situation than you are now.

Sorry you're going through this.

October 2, 2016

Thank you so much, your words gave me a bit of the comfort I've been looking for. It may seem childish but I blocked him and the girl so that I do not have to see them on my profile (Facebook suggested to add her as a friend) THANKS FACEBOOK.

The thing is too, I haven't even cried, is this normal? I just feel anger well up inside of me and literally have to take deep breaths to cool down.

October 2, 2016

The anger is your friend, and so are your tears, when they come (and they will).

Think of your anger as your "check engine" light, telling you to give hard consideration to what kind of guy is right for you, and what kind of treatment is acceptable for you. What do you need from a partner to feel happy in a relationship? Meaning, what maturity level, what kind of values, what kind of orientation towards his goals, your goals, building shared goals?

This guy has basically "told" you that he is not mature enough for the kind of committed relationship you wanted to have with him. And you know, that's okay. He's only 26 and while it would have been kinder for him to have been more honest, especially BEFORE bailing on the relationship, he probably handled it the best he could. Use your love for him to forgive him his immaturity, use your anger towards him to drive as much emotional distance between you and him as possible, and most importantly, use your love for YOU to promise yourself that you will hold out for someone who is ready to give you all you are looking for and more.

When the tears come, don't fight them, just release them as a kind of cleansing. Embrace them as a sign of how deeply you can love, and how much you cherish those that come meaningfully into your life.

For now, egg on that anger so that you are firmly closed to any wishy-washy attempts on his part to assuage his guilt or try to be "friends." He has officially lost the privilege of your heart and your time.

October 2, 2016

Thank you so much, your words gave me a bit of the comfort I've been looking for. It may seem childish but I blocked him and the girl so that I do not have to see them on my profile (Facebook suggested to add her as a friend) THANKS FACEBOOK.

The thing is too, I haven't even cried, is this normal? I just feel anger well up inside of me and literally have to take deep breaths to cool down.

Good for you in blocking him. Block him on your phone and computer as well. The fact that you're already at the angry stage is great.

I say this all the time. Everyone has the right to end a R/S that isn't working for them any longer. Hopefully they are kind and considerate in doing so. Everyone has been dumped and dumped someone else themselves. It's the risk you take when entering a R/S.

The dumper has the right to end it. The dumpee has the right to accept the news and VANISH from the dumpers life. At that point, it's OVER. We owe the dumper NOTHING. They chose to end it and now we have the power to not engage w/them any further. Doing this allows us to regain our self worth and say "you didn't want me, your loss". Now, I'm worrying about only me and am going to find someone who does.

What drives me crazy on this site is when dumpees keep replying to the dumpers. Find your self respect PEOPLE! They kicked you out of their lives, said "beat it kid". GIVE IT TO THEM. Replying to a dumpers contact ONLY strokes the dumpers ego. They think they are all that and it comforts them knowing they have a backup plan IF THEY so choose to get desperate and fall back on the dumpee when they get lonely and have no luck dating or meeting someone new.

That's what's so awesome about vanishing and never engaging w/the dumper again. While most don't go back to the dumpee, it still screws with their ego on self level and they know you're no longer an option to THEIR needs.

October 2, 2016

Greencove: you're absolutely right,

I feel so empowered. I deleted his contact phone number and wrote the number in some random paper (just need it to get my ray bans back, the last thing I forgot) and blocked his phone number.

Maybe deep in my heart I know I deserve better and know someone better will come along.

I have maybe shed a tear and have felt a little down but definitely don't feel like my heart is being ripped out (I've hurt a lot worse)

Thank you all so much for your words,I feel a billion times better than earlier in the day.

October 2, 2016

Thank you so much, your words gave me a bit of the comfort I've been looking for. It may seem childish but I blocked him and the girl so that I do not have to see them on my profile (Facebook suggested to add her as a friend) THANKS FACEBOOK.

The thing is too, I haven't even cried, is this normal? I just feel anger well up inside of me and literally have to take deep breaths to cool down.

No, you are definitely doing the right thing by blocking him/them. I think he loves you as the wonderful person you are but is no longer in love with you. This guy must have gotten married at 22 or 23 to be waiting on divorce papers at 26. He never really had a chance to live out his life. Sometimes we meet people who are wonderful but the feelings that we want to have for that person just aren't there so we break up. I don't think this necessarily makes one a bad person. If this was the case everyone would have to marry the first person they date. Ask yourself exactly why you are angry. If it's because he won't let you go or sending mixed messages; remember you are of your own free will and can release yourself from this heartache any time you chose.

October 2, 2016

I am angry that I feel lied to, like he really promised he would be there until the end (I have a son) I made it very clear from the beginning that I was looking for something serious- commitment and as time passed he told me he wanted to be there for us (my son included) forever. And not even a week ago he was still telling me he loved me and even on Friday still wanting to be cuddled with and kissed. I feel betrayed, that's where the anger comes from.

October 2, 2016

I am angry that I feel lied to, like he really promised he would be there until the end (I have a son) I made it very clear from the beginning that I was looking for something serious- commitment and as time passed he told me he wanted to be there for us (my son included) forever. And not even a week ago he was still telling me he loved me and even on Friday still wanting to be cuddled with and kissed. I feel betrayed, that's where the anger comes from.

You have to make a decision as to whether you will allow this in you and your son's life. Good luck.

October 2, 2016

Ultimately I know we deserve better and just gonna move forward.

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He broke up with me--- feel like he's not telling the whole truth

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