Birthdayblues88 Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Hi guys, My boyfriend of a year celebrated his 30th birthday with me last Saturday. He has 2 close friends who I've not met yet even though he's been trying to sort out a meet for a while. Anyways, he suggests us 4 go to dinner as a separate bday dinner thing the following Saturday (yday). Nothing is mentioned about plans or anything but I'm assuming I'll find out on the day. I speak with my bf on Friday night and he asks if I can meet him on Sunday.. I ask why not Saturday and he says he's meeting his friends for dinner so I can meet him Sunday afternoon ish. I go quiet and become quite upset... I end the phone call. Saturday morning I spoke to him about why he had uninvited me but he denied it and started making excuses. I was very upset and after hearing me cry about feeling under valued he asks me to come. I'm obviously not going to go. I end the conversation. I text him a few hours later saying have a good night and he responds with a thank you. He didn't push for me to come or anything. His friend tagged him in a fb post about turning 30 and they were ragged 30 mins away from me. the laSt text I received was at 11pm saying they're heading to his friends for drinks. I then heard nothing until 12pm today.. he claimed he got drunk and passed out. He spoke to me like nothing was wrong. I told him how he's made me feel and his response is "I asked u to come," it's frustrating because it was only after I was upset. After a year of going out and talk of an engagement, he doesn't think about how his actions effect me? His 2 best friends are apparently dying to meet me yet after a year - nothing. I told him I need a breather. Am I over reacting. I don't think I am. Any advise or help will be appreciated. Thank you for reading
266696687 Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 No I don't think you are over reacting at all. He hasn't acknowledged why you are upset and why he uninvited you from the dinner with his friends (and at the last minute and without even telling you outright just hoped you'd get the message without questioning him when he said see you on Sunday -this is the bit I think is most offensive). It's actually unacceptable and you have every reason to not only feel excluded but undervalued. It's disrespectful to you, your feelings and your relationship. At this point after a year of dating I would throw in the towel. You clearly are not on the same page. It seems to me as if he is hoping to just continue as normal without discussing or explaining why he did that to you. It's highly insulting too. I would take this as a sign that he isn't serious about you and move on. You've been dating a year and still haven't met his friends. Clearly he is hiding you away. The reason for why he is doing that is anyone's guess but the reason won't be a good one. Get rid and move on. 4
Author Birthdayblues88 Posted October 2, 2016 Author Posted October 2, 2016 Thank you. You're right. That made perfect sense. He's grovelling today now that I've said I no longer want to be with him and raised these concerns. He's asking for a chance to fix it and saying he will organise something, showing he just doesn't get it. He's also still saying why I didn'the come. Exhausting. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 His friends might want to meet you, but apparently he's not that eager for this to happen. You're not over-reacting. But you need to reconsider this relationship. He's not taking it as seriously as you believed he was. 4
266696687 Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Stay strong and stick to your guns. Don't let him suck you back in with grovelling or sweet words. If he cared he wouldn't have uninvited you and you would have met his friends already. The way he has behaved has shown you how he truly feels he can treat you. I cannot think of even one reasonable explanation for why he might have behaved in such a way (not trying to justify why he did it but more why would he have done it but nothing comes to mind other than he simply did not want you there and did not want you to meet his friends). He has basically done what he wanted which was you not going to his birthday and now he is trying to win you back with promises and words. His invitation when you got upset was a fake one. Who would go after being uninvited in the first place? Him asking you why you didn't come after that is even more insulting. If you've already told him it's over just go NC. 1
Author Birthdayblues88 Posted October 2, 2016 Author Posted October 2, 2016 Thank you. It's always nice having someone from the outside just say it as it is. You guys are right and I don't care if he grovels - nothing will make me forget how ****ty I've been made to feel. 2
linzmoon Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 You're not over reacting, if anything you should be the main person he would want to spend his birthday with. I am sorry, I never understand guys behaviors sometimes, they can do hurtful things and still not understand why we get upset. If you spend time alone with him and he acts like everything is cool, confront him, ask him if he not realizes how greatly his actions upset you. Depending on his answer it might be time to reconsider a future with him. And honestly it's his birthday, it should be an honor for him to have you at his birthday. 1
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 After a year of dating, he should have known you well enough to realise that a last minute un-invite to dinner on a Saturday night was not going to go down well. He is up to no good here, with the denying and the blaming you for his actions, something doesn't quite add up. He is hiding something here is my guess. It may be "trivial" it may be "serious" who knows? But he is hiding something from you and that isn't great after a year of dating. Whatever the reason for the un-invite, he should have discussed that with you, not made you out to be a fool and denying he had asked you to go in the first place. That is gas lighting. Red flag. 3
Frozensushi Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Thank you. It's always nice having someone from the outside just say it as it is. You guys are right and I don't care if he grovels - nothing will make me forget how ****ty I've been made to feel. Isn't it crazy how people we think love us can't see the hurtful way they treat us? My Ex always did things like this. When I would confront her she'd get very hostile with me and tell me she needed "space". Like my feelings didn't matter and the fact that I got angry about it made me the bad guy. Isn't love grand?
ThorntonMelon Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 So I do have to ask - was this a functional, normal, happy relationship to this point? I mean, I live in the real world here.. if everything was good and he just screwed up a buddy night...many of us have been there. I wouldn't mind a hair more background before just telling you to dump him. 1
Poutrew Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 I told him I need a breather. Am I over reacting. I don't think I am. Any advise or help will be appreciated. You don't need a breather, you need a new boyfriend. He didn't want you around because he was planning on having 'fun', but not with you. Now, whether this was getting a lap dance at a strip club, or sex in the back room with a prostitute, is immaterial. The oldest excuse in the book is 'I got drunk, hunny bunny... forgive me this time?" Fact is dear, he is a player, and you are the violin... don't become his orchestra. You deserve a man who places value on you and this one isn't him... 4
ThorntonMelon Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 You don't need a breather, you need a new boyfriend. He didn't want you around because he was planning on having 'fun', but not with you. Now, whether this was getting a lap dance at a strip club, or sex in the back room with a prostitute, is immaterial. The oldest excuse in the book is 'I got drunk, hunny bunny... forgive me this time?" Fact is dear, he is a player, and you are the violin... don't become his orchestra. You deserve a man who places value on you and this one isn't him... How do you know this with the information given? I certainly think the guy is inconsiderate and I'm sure she can do better - but I don't understand how you can say with certainty that this man is cheating around on her.
Author Birthdayblues88 Posted October 2, 2016 Author Posted October 2, 2016 You don't need a breather, you need a new boyfriend. He didn't want you around because he was planning on having 'fun', but not with you. Now, whether this was getting a lap dance at a strip club, or sex in the back room with a prostitute, is immaterial. The oldest excuse in the book is 'I got drunk, hunny bunny... forgive me this time?" Fact is dear, he is a player, and you are the violin... don't become his orchestra. You deserve a man who places value on you and this one isn't him... Honestly, I would usually say "no not at all," but something does seem strange to me. I know that he is a sexual person and I've seen worrying Google searches from BEFORE we dated. Maybe that's why he doesn't want me to meet them because they get up to no good. Could also explain why I didn't receive a call or phone call from 10:30 pm until 12pm the next day. I do deserve a man who values me and this man definitely does not. 2
Author Birthdayblues88 Posted October 2, 2016 Author Posted October 2, 2016 So I do have to ask - was this a functional, normal, happy relationship to this point? I mean, I live in the real world here.. if everything was good and he just screwed up a buddy night...many of us have been there. I wouldn't mind a hair more background before just telling you to dump him. I've spoken to him about not feeling valued before. And he always says he'll be a better bf. Past week or so we haven't seen eachother because we both have busy jobs and he finishes much later than I do. Also he lives at home (he pays the bills etc) so we don't have that luxury of having a normal relationship which I'm not used to. Once he suggested we hang out in his car after a meal and I didn't like that- especially when he tried to make out. I did tell him im not a teenager and it felt laaaame. I don't mind a hotel if we're going out of town but it seems silly and shady to organise intimacy. We've stayed in a few but the last time I refused to be intimate because I wasn't feeling it... just too organised. He has said I've changed towards him but I can't help it. I think he doesn't realise he's 30 and not 19. I recently bought a place so moved home a month ago whilst waiting for it all to go through. Before that I lived in the city and he would crash at mine 3 or 4 days a week... relationship was easy then.
RyanO1991 Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 You deserve to be treated much better than that. He should be proud to be with you and he should show that. 2
aloneinaz Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 IDK, some pretty serious red flags you need to measure. I find it VERY odd that after a year, you hadn't met his buddies? Hum.. As far as him going out with only the boys to celebrate his b-day? I don't see anything wrong with that but.. he should have never asked you to go. You should also have been ok if he wanted to do that. If you can't trust him to go out with the boys, you're with the wrong guy. Only you know the overall health of that relationship and if you want to continue with it. It was a bonehead move on his part but I don't think it should be a deal breaker if everything else is solid. 1
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