salparadise Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 chumly, note that salparadise is a man. And what he just expressed^ is most likely how all these other men are interpreting your behavior too. They will see it as game playing and reject you for *that*! So by behaving this way to avoid rejection, you are actually precipitating the very rejection you are attempting to avoid! Do you understand this? Apparently you do think she's that naive? I guess it's possible, but if she has enough sense to pick a username, register and create a post you'd think her reality testing would be functional as well. And the other crazy thing... apparently she's ready to head off into the woods with these guys she's lining up for just friends, not thinking about what if they decide not to play the game by her rules. 5
NuevoYorko Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 I think that Chumly is sincere and naive, not intending to lead guys on or to get "fans." She herself is more likely to end up hurt (emotionally - unless the "hiking buddies" are sexual predators) in this unrealistic scenario by guys who don't really feel at all like spending a lot of time hiking with a stranger (because they already have their own circle of friends for that) so are going along with this with an ulterior motive. Or, guys who actually have no friends to do casual stuff with and who are looking for them on a dating site, which signals (to me anyway) a concerning social problem. Chumly, I think you should get completely clear on this: Really, guys are not looking for new friends on a dating site. You shouldn't be either. If you're not ready for actual dating, right now, don't be on dating sites.
preraph Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Thanks..yes and I am involved with a walking group and plan on getting involved with a hiking group too. I actually am interested in dating too eventually but want to start off as friends/activity buddies first and stay that way if nothing else develops after that. If you keep telling guys you just want to be buddies, the ones with integrity will never bother to ask you to be anything more. It's not really what you want. You're just hoping to meet someone to love this way, so you should stop pretending you're not with these guys.
preraph Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Chumly, what are you going to do if a man believes your pitch about "just hiking buddy" and brings his wife and kids along? 1
Space Ritual Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 And the other crazy thing... apparently she's ready to head off into the woods with these guys she's lining up for just friends, not thinking about what if they decide not to play the game by her rules. Exactly.... Where I come from, Forest Preserves are great places to hide bodies in. Chicago is pretty notorious for having missing young ladies show up in one after she went "hiking". That aside, I think OP is is off the mark in that she is looking for friends on a dating site. Guys don't use those sites to get friends. They use them to try to get laid. Show me a guy that is on an online dating site to become platonic friends with a female and I'll show you a liar...lol
katiegrl Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 (edited) Exactly.... Where I come from, Forest Preserves are great places to hide bodies in. Chicago is pretty notorious for having missing young ladies show up in one after she went "hiking". That aside, I think OP is is off the mark in that she is looking for friends on a dating site. Guys don't use those sites to get friends. They use them to try to get laid. Show me a guy that is on an online dating site to become platonic friends with a female and I'll show you a liar...lol Agree but I think chumly is the one lying here, to herself and subsequently to us. If she wanted to be just friends with these guys, she would not give a rat's rear end what they think of her looks. A woman does not send a video of themselves to new male *friends* so they get a better idea of her looks. They wait till they meet, and her looks wouldn't matter. She would not be afraid to open a text message either. There would be no fear of rejection if she just wanted to be *friends*. That said, I don't think she is intentionally pulling a bait and switch. She is all over the board, it is actually quite difficult to keep up sometimes. She also seems incapable of seeing and understanding how these guys are interpreting her behavior... understanding their perspective. It is all about her and her feelings .... her looks and fear of rejection. chumly I apologize for referring to you in the third peron. I also mean no disrespect when I suggest these things.. As I said in previous thread, you seem like a lovely person. But please explore this possibility otherwise you will encounter these same issues over and over -- different guy, same story. Edited October 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic~T 1
Vado Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Omg what did he say!? please come back:) Yeah Clumly gave us all a cliffhanger. She can always work for the writersteam of a soap or maybe an opera.
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Exactly.... Where I come from, Forest Preserves are great places to hide bodies in. Chicago is pretty notorious for having missing young ladies show up in one after she went "hiking". Show me a guy that is on an online dating site to become platonic friends with a female and I'll show you a liar...lol Your entire post is on point! Funny you say that about missing ladies in the woods, when I took out my dating profile I noticed at least three men's profiles say in the "first date preference" section of their profiles "let's take a long walk in the woods" or "no coffee or drinks let's go for a long hike in the woods that's how you get to know someone" I kid you not! So in my own profile I made the observation that "who in the world says they want to go walk in the woods for a first date, isn't that how horror films usually start?" I also made reference to them might as well saying "BYOB" bring your own bodybag. Gees that is one ghastly first date suggestion. When I see "friends" on a dating profile I think "too shy to say sex only" commitmentphobe, attached...you get the picture. Nothing good can come of that label. The OP is playing games, with us, and with her so-called friends online.
salparadise Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 (edited) Omg what did he say!? please come back And five hours later... still no chumly. Oh the anticipation! When I see "friends" on a dating profile I think "too shy to say sex only" commitmentphobe, attached...you get the picture. Nothing good can come of that label. One of the questions on okc is about the friends-first thing. I put a comment afterward saying... The friends first thing is lame as hell, ladies. We're either dating or we're not. I won't try to seduce a friend, nor will I woo and pursue for months hoping to eventually emerge from the friendzone. If you thing FF sound like a good idea, we simply aren't compatible. Edited October 2, 2016 by salparadise 3
Author chumly Posted October 3, 2016 Author Posted October 3, 2016 sorry to have everyone waiting and anticipating like this...I actually feel rather silly now. I will post my messages to him and his response to me. this was my question to him.. "did not hear back...just wondering if we found after reading my profile that we are looking for different things? I thought it would be nice to have a periodic hiking partner but I understand if you think otherwise at this point. Either way I wish you the best of luck. sorry to have been so forward with my question..I guess I was just curious since it seemed like we were getting along well as friends.'" and this was his very simple and nice response back to me.. "'Ive been busy with my father. Everything is fine on my end. Being hiking partners is fine by me :)" I feel so silly that I was so worried about this now. I sent a quick message back telling him I was sorry about his dad and that I was glad that he still wanted to be hiking partners. sorry for all this and thanks everyone!
Author chumly Posted October 3, 2016 Author Posted October 3, 2016 I understand all the advice about going to things like meetups to make friends but the difference is that I DO actually want to eventually date a person too. I just want to start out slow as friends so that is why I have been using dating sites but I specify exactly this information in my profile. I even now added the part about looking for non romantic friends at first so that there is no misunderstanding and thinking I am looking for friends with benefits. If I attend things like meet ups people might want to be ONLY friends with me with potential for nothing more, they might be dating someone or they might be married. I am happy to be friends with nothing more with both men and women too but I DO want to eventually date someone. I just want to go very slow with things. I did not realize this was such an unusual thing to be looking for on a dating site. I am probably older then most on here so the people I attract are older too so it seems like alot of them are ok with going slow too ..or at least that is what they tell me anyway. So this is why i post on a dating site. Please understand that I DO want a relationship with someone but want to go slow and start as friends and remain as friends if nothing else develops from that. Just want you all to realize that important difference in what I am looking for and why I have been using a dating site. Anyway, sorry again for all the anticipation I have caused everyone. that just shows how worried I am about even the slightest form of rejection. Thanks again:)
Author chumly Posted October 3, 2016 Author Posted October 3, 2016 another thing I wanted to add is that I dont "friendzone" anybody. As long as someone is my friend I am always open to anything that may or may not come from that. Again this might be an age thing with me though. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 how old are you? It's weird at any age. You don't go on a dating site to look for friends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking things slow to build a "friendship" of sorts before you become intimate that is not what looking for friends means though. 2
NuevoYorko Posted October 3, 2016 Posted October 3, 2016 how old are you? It's weird at any age. You don't go on a dating site to look for friends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking things slow to build a "friendship" of sorts before you become intimate that is not what looking for friends means though. Right. That is what's called "dating." People who are looking or open to a relationship spend some time with a person who interests them in some way. During this period (dating), they decide whether it seems like it should go "to the next level." If both people feel the same way about this, they go further. If one or both don't feel it, they go their separate ways. Very rarely will dating lead to anything like a real friendship. When people say "lets just be friends," that doesn't really mean they're going to have a friendship and go to effort to spend time together. It just means that they are well disposed to one another and will be friendly if they should meet up somewhere. Real friendships among adults take real time and energy to maintain. We all have busy lives and commitments; I think even more so as we get older. When we meet a stranger via a dating site that we end up having no romantic or sexual interest in, there is little motivation to keep on spending time with them. If we want a relationship, that time will be spent looking. Or else with family and friends, work, hobbies, etc. 1
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