was it a mistake to send this man this message?

[chumly]

I have been talking to someone online for a bit that enjoys hiking like myself. We were talking about meeting and going hiking together sometime. We were talking in a friendship type way.

 

Anyway, I updated my online profile with more specific information about myself (that I was looking for non romantic friends for now to hike with, etc) and I included a short video clip of myself. I asked him to take a look at it so he could see exactly what I am looking for. I figured he might want to see the video clip too.

 

Anyway, I did not hear back from him after that. I was a bit taken back since it seemed like he was happy to have me as just a hiking buddy if nothing else developed beyond that so I actually sent him a message today to ask him why I did not hear back since I thought we were hitting it off as friends. I am wondering if he did not like my video clip or the updated info in my profile.

 

I kind of surprised myself that I asked him like that..I guess it was just a knee jerk reaction. Anyway, he messaged me back but I am too afraid to open it now. I am wondering if it is going to be some form of rejection.

 

I am wondering now if it was a mistake for me to have messaged him with that question like that?? Do others on here think it was a mistake? I really hope he is not rejecting me in his message back. Should I open it? I cant believe I did that.

 

I am kind of interested in hearing others thoughts on if it was a mistake for me to do that? and if I should open his response to me?

 

Thanks in advance.

[smackie9]

Read it and report back here

[smackie9]

JMO I think he was hoping that something romantic could come out of it. Men don't put effort into communicating with a woman for friendship. They are looking for sex, and or companionship. I believe telling him to review your profile was taken as rejection on his side.

[Satu]

Either read it or delete it unread.

 

Thinking about what it might contain won't be much fun.

 

 

Take care.

[angel.eyes]

Are you looking for hiking buddies on a dating site?

 

Perhaps, join one of the bazillion hiking groups out there instead...or failing that, go on Meetup, join some hiking meetups, and attend their events.

 

And open the email. The answer to what he's thinking lies in his message, not in the conjectures of random strangers on the interwebs.

[katiegrl]

Agree with the others, read the message!

 

What are you afraid of, it's not like you have any romantic interest.

 

If he rejects you, it is most likely because he wants more than friendship and now that you have confirmed you don't, he doesn't wish to pursue.

 

As I said in your other thread, men are not on dating sites to make friends with women. Not typically anyway.

 

But this is all speculation.

 

Read the message, he may tell you he enjoyed the video and wants to go hiking!

[katiegrl]

Is this the same guy as your previous thread?

 

The one who recently met someone else he started dating?

 

But you agreed to remain friends?

 

All these different threads makes it difficult to know which guy is which.

[preraph]

I think your actions contradict your words. You don't send someone a profile and get all ON about it if all you're wanting is a hiking buddy. I don't think you're being honest with him and possibly with yourself. You don't get desperate and do this type thing over someone you just have a hiking buddy interest in! It was a very needy thing to do.

 

That said, if he really believes it's a hiking invitation, then I don't see why he wouldn't take you up on it, but he'd be a bit daft to think that. So no matter how he answers, you're still going to be confused as to if he's interested or not in YOU.

[chumly]

Thanks everyone for the great advice. Ok, I guess I will open it ..I am a little tempted to do just delete it unopened, as Satu also suggested but the only problem with that is that I may always wonder what he said.

 

I am working right now but will wait until I am finished...I dont want to upset myself while I am working.

 

 

Thanks everyone for the great advice.

[chumly]

Is this the same guy as your previous thread?

 

The one who recently met someone else he started dating?

 

But you agreed to remain friends?

 

All these different threads makes it difficult to know which guy is which.

 

Hi Katiegirl...no this is a completely different man then anybody else I have mentioned on here so far...he started talking to me a few weeks ago. He is an avid hiker so I thought it would be nice to have someone to hike with. He also seemed to think very similarly to me in certain ways so I was about to just forget about the online dating thing, as you and others on here have suggested for myself but thought he seemed a bit different than most of the others I have talked with so far...that is why I was surprised to not hear back from him, but I guess I will go ahead and open the email when I finish my work shift. Might as well find out how he responded. Thanks again:)

[meowlash]

Are their other groups that you can look for hiking buddies on? I don't think many people use dating websites to just make friends. They're...well, dating sites. It's for romance or relationships or casual sex.

[chumly]

Are their other groups that you can look for hiking buddies on? I don't think many people use dating websites to just make friends. They're...well, dating sites. It's for romance or relationships or casual sex.

 

Thanks..yes and I am involved with a walking group and plan on getting involved with a hiking group too.

 

I actually am interested in dating too eventually but want to start off as friends/activity buddies first and stay that way if nothing else develops after that.

[Vado]

Thanks..yes and I am involved with a walking group and plan on getting involved with a hiking group too.

 

I actually am interested in dating too eventually but want to start off as friends/activity buddies first and stay that way if nothing else develops after that.

 

That's how you friendzone him... and yourself. It might work the other way. You date because of potential romantic interest, sometimes there is no match, but you like each other and stay friends.

 

You can make it clear that you don't want sex from the beginning, so you only attract guys who have genuin interest in lovedates. But you can't go from 'wazzup buddy? Keep it real' to 'My love, je te veux mon amour'

[katiegrl]

chumly, on the dating sites you are using, is there an option for "friends first*?

 

When I did OLD many years ago (Match) there was. Or "looking to make new friends". Something like that anyway.

 

Or if not, do you put in your profile .... friends first? Or looking to make new friends?

 

I think it would be helpful to these guys to know that up front.

 

I would also stay away from sending a video, especially if you are only seeking a friend.

 

A bit much imo.

Edited October 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[Berthaa]

You are thinking too much. He can be disappointed to hear you want only platonic friendship.

[elaine567]

I think it is a bit high schoolish to think you can just "hang out" for weeks and months and then suddenly you realise there is more and take it to a romantic level.

Adults especially men tend to not want to waste time "hanging out" with a woman.

If he just wanted a "friend"to go hiking with I guess he would be going hiking with another guy or he would join a hiking group, not waste time messing around with some woman off the internet.

 

Why are you putting yourself at risk here. You really don't know who this guy is at all, yet you were planning to go hiking with him.????

[losangelena]

If you don't want to know his answer, why did you email him asking in the first place?

 

And if he says nah, then what's lost? He'd already gone silent. There's no harm, no foul here. Go ahead and read the message. It won't likely be "bad."

[smackie9]

So OP what did he say in the email?

[angel.eyes]

There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be friends first. OLD, however, is the wrong place to look if that's the approach you prefer.

 

Befriend some of the walkers or hikers in your group, look within your social circle, attend meetups, take a class, etc. In other words, focus on places where friendship is expected, not dating.

 

Having gone back and read a couple of your other threads, I think you're just highly insecure about your looks, and that's why you're all over the place with your dating approach. You're using friends first as a strategy to ensure the guy likes you as a person before you're open about being interested in him romantically. My guess is you feel that will guard against rejection. That's not how it will work. You'll get emotionally invested and then when it turns out he sees you as just a friend and not at all in a romantic light, you'll be way more devastated, than if you were upfront about what you wanted I the first place--to date.

 

The point of dating is to get to know the other person well! I would argue that you get to know the person better when you date them than when you're just friends.

[chumly]

chumly, on the dating sites you are using, is there an option for "friends first*?

 

When I did OLD many years ago (Match) there was. Or "looking to make new friends". Something like that anyway.

 

Or if not, do you put in your profile .... friends first? Or looking to make new friends?

 

I think it would be helpful to these guys to know that up front.

 

I would also stay away from sending a video, especially if you are only seeking a friend.

 

A bit much imo.

 

 

Thanks Katiegirl. Yes, I do have in my profile that I am looking for friends first and if more happens that would be great and if not we can still be friends.

 

on this particular dating site I have the option for friends pulled up. This one does have that option.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on my adding the video. I only did that because I thought it might give a better representation of myself then just the pics. it is just me sitting in front of my computer saying what I am looking for but maybe you are right when you suggest I should not do that if I am only looking for friends for now.

 

It is strange because I and some friends of mine tell me I look better in the videos than I do in the pics but I have a strange mix of reactions to it on dating sites.I have some that seem to like the video but others that dont really say much.

 

anyway, thanks again...I need to do something quickly but will open his message in a bit and will update this post for anybody that might be interested. i guess if he rejects me I should look at it as a way to get more accustomed to that kind of thing...making it easier for the next time.

 

Thanks again:bunny:

[chumly]

did not see all the other additional helpful posts until now..

 

Thanks everyone for the great advice. You have all given me much to think about.

 

I will open his message after I do a few things first that I need to do and will post his response and/or mine here.

 

thanks once again everyone for all the usual great help!

[katiegrl]

Thanks Katiegirl. Yes, I do have in my profile that I am looking for friends first and if more happens that would be great and if not we can still be friends.

 

on this particular dating site I have the option for friends pulled up. This one does have that option.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on my adding the video. I only did that because I thought it might give a better representation of myself then just the pics. it is just me sitting in front of my computer saying what I am looking for but maybe you are right when you suggest I should not do that if I am only looking for friends for now.

 

It is strange because I and some friends of mine tell me I look better in the videos than I do in the pics but I have a strange mix of reactions to it on dating sites.I have some that seem to like the video but others that dont really say much.

 

anyway, thanks again...I need to do something quickly but will open his message in a bit and will update this post for anybody that might be interested. i guess if he rejects me I should look at it as a way to get more accustomed to that kind of thing...making it easier for the next time.

 

Thanks again:bunny:

 

chumly, please open soon as it may require a response.

 

In fact, perhaps he even suggested hiking today or something. Just saying.

 

By not responding, it comes off as a blow off. Friends don't treat each other that way.

 

Remember what was discussed in your other thread about putting yourself in the man's shoes.

 

You are focusing on *you* and possibly getting rejected... due to your own insecurities.

 

You are not thinking of *him*, and that HE may be waiting for a response!

 

Let us know!

Edited October 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[NuevoYorko]

Please STOP looking on dating sites for friends, especially of the other sex. It's not the right place. And, as now, you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

Chumly, if you really don't have any friends who can go hiking with you, please do join a group like the Sierra Club and meet likeminded people. If this is the case I'm thinking you must be very isolated and that's not a good place to be.

 

Men on dating sites will NEVER be there to find a hiking companion, or anything like that. I guarantee it. You will be attracting either insincere men, or else socially impaired men. You don't want that.

 

Dating sites are for romantic or sexual connections.

[salparadise]

I have been talking to someone [in an] online [dating site] for a bit that enjoys hiking like myself. We were talking about meeting and going hiking together sometime. We were talking in a friendship type way.

 

Anyway, I updated my online profile with more specific information about myself (that I was looking for non romantic friends for now to hike with, etc) and I included a short video clip of myself. I asked him to take a look at it so he could see exactly what I am looking for. I figured he might want to see the video clip too.

 

Anyway, I did not hear back from him after that. I was a bit taken back since it seemed like he was happy to have me as just a hiking buddy if nothing else developed beyond that so I actually sent him a message today to ask him why I did not hear back since I thought we were hitting it off as friends. I am wondering if he did not like my video clip or the updated info in my profile.

 

I kind of surprised myself that I asked him like that..I guess it was just a knee jerk reaction. Anyway, he messaged me back but I am too afraid to open it now. I am wondering if it is going to be some form of rejection.

 

I am wondering now if it was a mistake for me to have messaged him with that question like that?? Do others on here think it was a mistake? I really hope he is not rejecting me in his message back. Should I open it? I cant believe I did that.

 

I am kind of interested in hearing others thoughts on if it was a mistake for me to do that? and if I should open his response to me?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Thanks..yes and I am involved with a walking group and plan on getting involved with a hiking group too.

 

I actually am interested in dating too eventually but want to start off as friends/activity buddies first and stay that way if nothing else develops after that.

 

 

Chumly, I think you are not even a fraction as naive as you pretend to be. You're playing high school games, like 9th grade.

 

Surely you don't expect guys to be happy about a bait-and-switch cum on, do you?

 

And what's with this fear of rejection... rejection from what, hiking? Why would that cause any anxiety?

 

Nope, what you're little fantasy mind is creating is a whole flock of guys lined up under the pretense of hiking, but all secretly wanting to get into your pants. And you lead them around in the woods until either you get wet and pick one, or they all get tired of walking and peel off to go home... but regardless, what you're doing is trying to recruit a fan club... using bait-and-switch.

Edited October 2, 2016 by salparadise

[katiegrl]

Chumly, I think you are not even a fraction as naive as you pretend to be. You're playing high school games, like 9th grade.

 

Surely you don't expect guys to be happy about a bait-and-switch cum on, do you?

 

And what's with this fear of rejection... rejection from what, hiking? Why would that cause any anxiety?

 

Nope, what you're little fantasy mind is creating is a whole flock of guys lined up under the pretense of hiking, but all secretly wanting to get into your pants. And you lead them around in the woods until either you get wet and pick one, or they all get tired of walking and peel off to go home... but regardless, what you're doing is trying to recruit a fan club... using bait-and-switch.

 

chumly, note that salparadise is a man.

 

And what he just expressed^ is most likely how all these other men are interpreting your behavior too.

 

They will see it as game playing and reject you for *that*!

 

So by behaving this way to avoid rejection, you are actually precipitating the very rejection you are attempting to avoid!

 

Do you understand this?