Creekdipper29 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 I have been seeing my boyfriend for nearly two years. We've been officially in a relationship for nearly a year. We get along famously, we have similar interests, goals, etc. He was very guarded when we were dating and we had several off and on moments fueled by issues he had from being cheated on by his fiancé nearly four years ago. I am the first woman he's been in a relationship with since. He is older than me, I'm 30 and he's 36. He is a third year law student and will be graduating in the fall. He has not introduced me to his family, though they know who I am, and he does not talk about our future. He has also never told me that he loves me, though through his actions I feel deeply that he does. He's been looking into positions that may require him moving far away, which has made me concerned for our future. I asked him if he would want me to move with him and he said he wasn't ready for that level of commitment, and I know good and well that with our schedules, a long distance situation would not work. I don't feel after this much time it's asking too much to know where I stand with him, and if he sees a future with us. I brought it up last night and it ended up in an argument and he closed off. He would not answer any of my questions and all he would say is he doesn't know why he's like this and that he's just not ready. I'm in it for the long haul, and have been open with my feelings. I've told him I loved him. I don't like that he feels I've cornered him because that isn't my intention. But i just don't know how I can keep going on blind faith that I mean to him what he does to me, or that he will come around. As ive said, it's been nearly two years. I've been open with the fact that I'm not fishing for a diamond, as I'm also a divorcee and in no hurry to rush back down the altar, I just don't want to get hurt or waste my time if he doesn't see me in his future in a way that will grow or move forward. Since our argument last night he has not spoken to me. I don't know if that means we are headed to break up, even though both of us said that's not what we want, but silence kills me. I can't read his mind and he is so good with words he can leave you quite confused. He sees saying he loves me as a deeper level of commitment. I see it as the security I need to keep going and know that I'm not setting myself up for heartbreak but he won't discuss it. Help I don't want to lose him but I also don't want to be made a fool of or get my heart ripped out either.
preraph Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 He's not planning on staying with you. He's about to be an attorney instead of a student, and I hate to tell you this, but he's thinking he can trade up at that time, so he is wanting to keep his options open. If he doesn't take you with him and commit, you need to just forget about him and start dating other people. Also, he's said he doesn't want that level of commitment, so you are now free to date. 4
spiderowl Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 Personally, I think you are wasting your time with him. If he wanted commitment, he would have said something by now. 3
basil67 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 The fact that he doesn't want you to go away with him speaks volumes. I agree that this relationship has no future. 3
Author Creekdipper29 Posted October 2, 2016 Author Posted October 2, 2016 Thank you for your input. Under normal circumstances I never would have stood by this long, it's just really hard because all of his actions have shown me very different. But there comes a point where words do matter, and the conversation last night was like I was being stonewalled. I know he got hurt before but everyone has, and it isn't an excuse. He refused to answer when I asked if he loved me. I gave him multiple outs and he kept saying I don't want us to break up, but he would not answer either way. Like absolutely would not budge. He said to him that meant more commitment that he was just not ready for yet and that I'm asking for deeper than he could give me. He kept saying that he likes what we have and he doesn't understand why not wanting to move in together or not wanting to say that meant that this wasn't important to him. To me, it's a natural progression and especially when someone you care about is hurting-youd absolutely tell them bc you wouldn't want them to wonder and feel vulnerable. Like I said, I said it first, and have a few times with no reciprocation. This hurts like hell. He's my best friend and I've been more than good to him to prove I'm not going to hurt him like she did. Idk if that's just a cop out or what. He came to me wanting this relationship. He drove to my house in the middle of the night and told me he wanted to be with me. He wanted to meet all my people and has. I've met many of his friends, his mother even added me on Facebook and has asked when I was coming to meet them. It was so humiliating to me to have to imply I had a crazy work schedule. Or to tell my parents I wasn't going to his family's house for Thanksgiving because I'd have to work, but in reality, it's because I am not invited. I feel so unloveable and like such a fool. Idk why this is so hard. If he didn't have all the right actions Id have been gone ages ago. 1
Springsummer Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 OMG...........Life is hard. After all this, a guy still doesn't want to commit.... Now, I feel I am completely hopeless. I haven't even start anything. Imagine...wow, this thing seems harder than move a mountain. I really regret I didn't just get married when I was introduced/arranged to a seemly great person. Now, it's completely hopeless for me.
Springsummer Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Finding someone who really loves you and/or getting marry is like mission impossible nowadays. too bad, sometimes I feel extremely lonely...otherwise, I will just give up. 1
Gloria25 Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Thank you for your input. Under normal circumstances I never would have stood by this long, it's just really hard because all of his actions have shown me very different. But there comes a point where words do matter, and the conversation last night was like I was being stonewalled. I know he got hurt before but everyone has, and it isn't an excuse. He refused to answer when I asked if he loved me. I gave him multiple outs and he kept saying I don't want us to break up, but he would not answer either way. Like absolutely would not budge. He said to him that meant more commitment that he was just not ready for yet and that I'm asking for deeper than he could give me. He kept saying that he likes what we have and he doesn't understand why not wanting to move in together or not wanting to say that meant that this wasn't important to him. To me, it's a natural progression and especially when someone you care about is hurting-youd absolutely tell them bc you wouldn't want them to wonder and feel vulnerable. Like I said, I said it first, and have a few times with no reciprocation. This hurts like hell. He's my best friend and I've been more than good to him to prove I'm not going to hurt him like she did. Idk if that's just a cop out or what. He came to me wanting this relationship. He drove to my house in the middle of the night and told me he wanted to be with me. He wanted to meet all my people and has. I've met many of his friends, his mother even added me on Facebook and has asked when I was coming to meet them. It was so humiliating to me to have to imply I had a crazy work schedule. Or to tell my parents I wasn't going to his family's house for Thanksgiving because I'd have to work, but in reality, it's because I am not invited. I feel so unloveable and like such a fool. Idk why this is so hard. If he didn't have all the right actions Id have been gone ages ago. Don't beat up yourself... Consider this a lesson learned. Nothing is wrong with you. You just learned about how to better pick someone. IMO, people, by the third date and especially before sex happens people should be upfront about what they are looking for at that point in their life. IMO, your bf knew from day one what he wanted (companionship) and to this day won't come out with it cuz he knows you'll be gone. Like others said, he will more than likely up trade once he becomes an attorney and you are just company for now. Doctors appear to do the same thing too. Next time, don't wait so long (a year) to find out where a RL is going. I don't buy how people date. They date, and then down the line ask "where is this going". Sorry, by the third date and/or before sex happens, people should be upfront with what they are looking for and you should ask. For example, let's say a guy is ready to settle down. No, it doesn't mean that he is going to settle down with you, but when he's dating, he's gonna be paying attention to the women to see who has qualities in a wife and/or mother. I wouldn't trust someone who dates and then one day says, oh, I wanna marry "you". So like, ok, you didn't believe in marriage till you met me? Really? I wouldn't take seriously who would make such a serious decision (marriage) on the fly like that. So, let him go and get free sex and company to carry him over his last year of law school and through the bar exam with some other woman...you're looking more than that. And, give him a big middle finger for not being upfront with you. OH, and his parents and friends knowing about you? In this day/age, people just bring anybody home to meet their parents. Sorry....I wouldn't even add a guy to my Facebook until we're serious (marriage), but you're not gonna find people that think like me around now a days. Now, how his parents know about you depends too...cuz, I probably would bring a guy I'm dating to an informal thing like a BBQ, but a formal thing like a family wedding, holiday - no, I wouldn't bring a guy I'm not serious about to something like a that, unless I'd make up some story to the family about him having no where else to go for the holidays and it would be a compassionate thing to let him eat with us. 1
Gloria25 Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Finding someone who really loves you and/or getting marry is like mission impossible nowadays. too bad, sometimes I feel extremely lonely...otherwise, I will just give up. Yep, with women giving up sex and/or companionship w/o a ring and a date guys don't have an incentive to get married now a days. I mean, guys now a days can get all the benefits of a wife without having to marry. Women will move in (shack up), have kids, share bills, even pay for half of the date. Guys just have to possess a penis and a pulse now a days to get laid.
Springsummer Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 (edited) Yep, with women giving up sex and/or companionship w/o a ring and a date guys don't have an incentive to get married now a days. I mean, guys now a days can get all the benefits of a wife without having to marry. Women will move in (shack up), have kids, share bills, even pay for half of the date. Guys just have to possess a penis and a pulse now a days to get laid. Exactly why keep the cow when you can get the milk for free? man, now I am really on the verge of delete this guy. He is also in the same profession as OP's. Very week I see him adding women, today he just added someone very beautiful and extremely accomplish, but looks much older though. That alone cause extreme pain. I am not even remotely on OP's level. holy smoke...I am slowly going insane over nothing. Edited October 2, 2016 by Springsummer 1
Gloria25 Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Exactly why keep the cow when you can get the milk for free? And, that's why they also jump from person to person and bore easily...cuz, if you don't give it up, there's ten other girls ready to do it. I have some students in my hood and I just watch the girls pull up to "serve" them day/night. I mean, the girls leave in the morning and I'm like "WTF?". I tell ya, these guys got it made. They got girls pulling up, sexing them, and poof, gone in the morning before the students even wake up...and guaranteed, if it was a hooker, he'd have to pay at least $350 a pop for an all nighter:eek: 3
Springsummer Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 And, that's why they also jump from person to person and bore easily...cuz, if you don't give it up, there's ten other girls ready to do it. I have some students in my hood and I just watch the girls pull up to "serve" them day/night. I mean, the girls leave in the morning and I'm like "WTF?". I tell ya, these guys got it made. They got girls pulling up, sexing them, and poof, gone in the morning before the students even wake up...and guaranteed, if it was a hooker, he'd have to pay at least $350 a pop for an all nighter:eek: I also noticed this guy used fb like 3-4am this Saturday morning. so? oh, God, I really need to delete him?
Springsummer Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 And, that's why they also jump from person to person and bore easily...cuz, if you don't give it up, there's ten other girls ready to do it. I have some students in my hood and I just watch the girls pull up to "serve" them day/night. I mean, the girls leave in the morning and I'm like "WTF?". I tell ya, these guys got it made. They got girls pulling up, sexing them, and poof, gone in the morning before the students even wake up...and guaranteed, if it was a hooker, he'd have to pay at least $350 a pop for an all nighter:eek: yup, women are their/our own undoing. women screw each other basically. Goria...please see my edited text and give me some feedback, I will be really appreciated it (sorry OP for hijacking your post a bit)
Scarlett.O'hara Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Sorry Creekdipper29 but from what you have described, his actions don't show that he loves you at all. He won't say he loves you, he won't introduce you to his family or talk about a future with you. He has milked the damaged victim routine to keep you at a distance for two years, but truthfully it just looks like he had no intention of this relationship becoming serious. Now he is looking to move away without you and was angry at you questioning him about where you fit into these plans. The fact that he hasn't contacted you since shows his true character.. weak. I think you need to prepare yourself for him to break it off, probably in a prolonged, passive aggressive way. You don't have to wait for that to happen though. I don't mean to add to your hurt. I know it must be really painful right now, but I'm saying this because you are 30, and if your dream is to settle down and have a family then you are absolutely wasting your time here. The choice is yours how long you are prepared to put up with it. You deserve so much better than this. 3
preraph Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Oh, I'm sure he'd be more than happy to keep you as an occasional lover while he's got his freedom and dating others where he's moving to. That's what you have to realize here. Him saying he doesn't want to break up just means he knows he can move away and he can date others there and still have you waiting in the stable. I'm sure that's his ideal situation here. That way he can begin collecting a few different women and not have any loss at all and not have to give up anything. There is no way he's going to not date other women when he moves, because if that was the case, he'd be taking you with him. He just wants to have no loss here and only add to his pleasure by having freedom and being able to see you only when he wants to. So do not agree to "stay together" after he moves away without you. Make it very clear that now that you know he is not feeling in any way committed to you, you are going to start dating. And you should do that as soon as possible for your own good. He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to commit to a life with you. 1
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