This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 I know, this must've occured to me before - but yesterday night I just had this clear flash of "enlightenment" zip through my mind. I realized why he did what he did, why he got me so very involved with him, and then said he didn't want to commit and have anything to do with me. It was to feed his giant ego. I know this is true. I've been wondering "why" for so long, and now I know. He got someone who was totally in love with him, ready to do anything, and who actually did all she could just to be with him. I don't mean to boast here, but he got a caring, smart, humorous, good-looking (well...can't say I'm bad looking!) person, who was totally sincere in her feelings towards him. Believe me, he knew he couldn't get a better deal than this for himself. Yes, he's smart and can be funny at times - but he doesn't really have anything else that is extraordinary - and he knows that. So imagine, what an ego boost for him to know that he got me. And an even bigger ego boost that he could reject me. I can almost see him thinking to himself, "See, I got to turn her down after everything", he wanted to show that he wouldn't be totally in love and want to be with somebody just like that. How "strong-willed" and "independent" he was, by trashing me away!! I'm really feeling angry and unhappy about it today. What the f^ck did he gain from this? An ego boost? At my expense?! At this time, I don't want him to come back or anything. I JUST WANT AN APOLOGY. A sincere apology from him, letting me know that he realizes that what he's done to me is totally wrong, and he's sorry for it. I don't care how he apologizes, he could call / write an email or whatever. Now, I know I'm not going to ask him for one - nor is he going to give me one. The jerk. He's been totally off-contact since almost 7 weeks now. BUT, I do want an apology from him. Just for my peace of mind. Just so I know that he realizes he screwed up my life!!!!!!
Author This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 8, 2005 Author Posted July 8, 2005 People!! Isn't ANYONE gonna reply to me? I'm feeling just as bad as anyone posting away here!! Come on, get those fingers a-typin' !! Can't help feeling angry / upset you know...I just know that I need an apology to make myself feel better. At least I wouldn't feel like I was made to feel like a weird, compulsive loser in the end, and pledging my dignity... It's unfair. I'm not going to tell him to apologize - because I already know he won't respond, in that case. And in the end he made it all seem like it was my fault. When I asked him to respond at least out of respect, he wrote back "Out of respect at least YOU should quit being persistent". It stung like hell, because I didn't deserve it. All I want is some peace within myself - peace of knowing that hey, I still am a person whose pride and feelings need to be acknowledged! Last I communicated with him, he still had my photographs. I don't know if he's deleted them by now, I just want them back in any case, because I don't want him to have any privilege of having me anywhere near him. @#$#% jerk. But I'm not going to contact him!! Because my pride just cannot take another blow...no more. What do I do?!! : sigh:
upsetnhurt Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Unfortunately the apology may never come and you have to accept that and move on. Realize with all you said that it is entirely his loss and that you are meant to be with someone that deserves you. For whatever reason he chose not to be with you I am fairly certain it was not due to his ego. He has an issue, one that you will never become aware of, that he needs to figure out for himself. I am sure he knows just how wonderful a person you are, however if the feeling isn't natural for him to fall for you, then why would you want him to try in the first place? Better now than later. You have to move on and enjoy life again.
millefiori Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 I highly doubt that people dump other people for ego reasons. If you are what he always wanted, he wouldn't dump you for his ego, because by dumping you, he's hurting himself more. He would be depriving himself of a great relationship. He probably has issues as upsetnhurt said.
SummerRae Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 One of the things I have learned (being that I was in a v. similar situation as you, This_Too_Shall_Pass) is that it is NOT about you. And it may not be about the ego either. You will never know for sure, unless he were to tell you and even then how would you really know? If it gives you peace and helps you move on better, go with whatever answer you can live with. For me, I chose to believe that he just didn’t feel “worthy” of being loved. I know because I used to feel that way. As soon as someone would start having feelings for me, I’d start seeing all their weaknesses and need to get away from them. The truth is, I just didn’t feel good enough to be really loved… Good luck, just remember to do what you can to take care of YOU.
Author This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 9, 2005 Author Posted July 9, 2005 Thanks everyone...it really helps to have another perspective on this. So you people seem to think it wasn't an ego issue? I wonder what it could've been, then. It might be a feeling of insecurity somewhere within him, and most certainly it was his inability to really "give"...to look beyond himself as a person and take responsibility for a relationship. He shied away from that. But yes - he did have a huge ego. Maybe it was a mask for his insecurity - but it was there. He was always, always right - he tried to justify his behavior and attitude all the time, even when it was apparent that a significant other would not behave like that. No matter how much I tried to make him see my point of view, he would just not take it into consideration. He was stubborn to the point of being mulish. Maybe I won't get an apology for him - but try as I might, I just cannot be this way when I'm made to feel like it was my fault all the way, and that he trashed me for his "peace of mind" (his own words...@##@$#)!!
RecordProducer Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 TTSP, I feel for you. I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband. There is some reason for which a great girl picks a not so special guy. I've had this problem for a long time and I decided to change that. I realized that people who didn't have my qualities also didn't have the radar to acknowledge them. So as much as he figured out how great you are, he intimately didn't enjoy your company as much as someone better than him would. He tried to have a good catch, but it didn't please him. It's not about him telling himself he dumped a girl like you. He doesn't need a girl like you. He doesn't need your brain although he admires it or your humor although he might laugh at your jokes. He wants to be a hero for some woman, just like you picked him, because you thought you would be even more wonderful in his eyes. Be grateful to him for leaving you. Find a guy who will also be great; you'll see how much he will appreciate your brains and humor and enjoy your physical beauty. You want someone who will use the whole package of you, don't you?
Author This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 9, 2005 Author Posted July 9, 2005 Thanks so much!! That really helped - and having been in the same situation yourself, you'd have an idea of how I feel right now. I realized that people who didn't have my qualities also didn't have the radar to acknowledge them. That is so absolutely true. His radar definitely did not pick up the fact that I was a caring, responsible and loving person, who was willing to accept change and growth. I think he'll get back what he gave to me...some day...when he realizes that he's stuck in his cocoon of "safety" while the world around him is moving along. That he has missed the fulfillment of growing as a person as well as being instrumental in a partner's growth. Anyway...it's not easy to reconcile...as of now!!
SummerRae Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer TTSP, I feel for you. I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband. There is some reason for which a great girl picks a not so special guy. I've had this problem for a long time and I decided to change that. I realized that people who didn't have my qualities also didn't have the radar to acknowledge them. So as much as he figured out how great you are, he intimately didn't enjoy your company as much as someone better than him would. He tried to have a good catch, but it didn't please him. It's not about him telling himself he dumped a girl like you. He doesn't need a girl like you. He doesn't need your brain although he admires it or your humor although he might laugh at your jokes. He wants to be a hero for some woman, just like you picked him, because you thought you would be even more wonderful in his eyes. Be grateful to him for leaving you. Find a guy who will also be great; you'll see how much he will appreciate your brains and humor and enjoy your physical beauty. You want someone who will use the whole package of you, don't you? I LOVE THAT RECORD PRODUCER!! Just the kind of words and analogy that I totally believe in. You worded just perfectly. All toooo often we spend time dwelling on guys who aren't for us in the first place. I completely agree.
BeeBee1741 Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 Insensitive, thats what he is...He needd the ego boost that he has now..Let him ride with it..Heck, maybe it will be the first and last time that he will ever get someone like you or even someone that comes close to you. You should feel happy that you made another mans life better while not taking yours away. Dont ask why me??? We all learn from our mistakes. I cant really tell you much from here because I dont have the whole history but, I can tell you this much look at it this way. Dont beg for an apology....Demand one for the last time..and if you dont get it..Then just drop it. You may think that an apology from him will repair your emotions and your broken heart. Beleive me it wont. Let time take its coarse. Go out and live life freely. When you wake up tomorrow morning THROW the sheets off the bed and run for the bathroom and look at yoursef in the mirror and say to yourself " I love me"!! Thats all you need!!
SummerRae Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 BeeBee, you have such great energy! That is true, time is the only thing that will lessen the pain. How long were you seeing each other for? I know I am only now getting over my "thing" (and the "relationship" only last 1.5 months!!) the Heart has a timeline of its own. Nothing anyone else does will do anything to lessen the pain, because ultimately, that love began with YOU. It's IN you. It's not a part of him, you take it with you wherever you go. Be glad you had those feelings. Even though they seem agonizing. "No love lost" comes to mind. Everyday you're one step closer to the one you are meant to be with. Don't let him or anyone else close your heart. Keep keeping it open and something else will come along. (And I'm telling this to myself too!)
Curt Posted July 9, 2005 Moderators Posted July 9, 2005 This_too_shall pass; Where is the thread that tells what happened between you. I either can't remember the details, or have never seen them. Refresh my memory on your story.
Author This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 9, 2005 Author Posted July 9, 2005 Thank you all SO much!! You guys do make me feel like I'm better than he thinks!! BeeBee, SummerRae, everyone - your posts help a lot. How long were you seeing each other for? Well, we had a relationship (initiated by him) for 3.5 years. (We knew each other long before that though). Three-and-half years.....and I spent almost 2 years trying to get everything in order and travelled halfway round the world just to be near him. Presently I'm a 90-min. drive from where he lives. Where is the thread that tells what happened between you Here it is...I posted my story while replying to someone else's post, and it's kind of scattered over 2 or 3 threads. Here's the first one. Warning: It's a LONG post! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=64534 On behalf of your ex, I apologize. Westernxer, you aren't humoring me, are you?! But that was sweet, I appreciate it!!
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