Ranger21 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 I'll make this as brief as I can but really looking for advice. I was with my ex for 4 years, we lived to together for 1, were broken up, got back together, broke up and two months ago talked about getting back together again. We were living in the same city when we were together but after we broke up (last year), I got a job offer in my home state and decided to move. It just so happens within the first two weeks of me starting my new job, she had a business trip out here in CA. We hadn't seen each other in 8 months but we talked and decided we would get a hotel together for the weekend, spend time with my friends, go on a day trip to wine country, basically just have fun. We slept together all weekend, then she started pressing me about where this is going, what we are doing etc. She said she would move out here but only for an engagement not for a boyfriend(this was the first time we saw each other in 8 months mind you). I laid out my situation stating that I love her, just started this new job and am on a 90 day probationary period and need to focus making sales, have some debt I am paying off from when I lived in her city, and am living at my parents to save money (finally!) I told her I just needed time to get these issues resolved, once they are taken care of then I can make that kind of commitment. Marriage is for life and I don't think an unstable job, credit card debt, and zero savings is the best way to start off an engagement. I told her I wasn't going to be seeing anyone else and wasn't going to screw her over. Unfortunately, me trying to be responsible and stabilize my situation was not what she wanted to hear. She wanted a ring, and she wanted it now (she has lived at her moms house for over a year and is dying to get out). Three weeks after our rekindle weekend and talking daily, I see that she went out on a date. I was hurt but held back my jealousy (she does live in another state). She met some guy on a dating website and the weekend after their first date, she flew out across the country to his hometown to visit him. This is a guy she had known for all of a few hours but he begs her to come visit, he bought her ticket, paid for a hotel for her to stay in (without him), is 6 years older than her (I'm 30, she's 29, he's 35). She told me she was going to be upfront and honest, that nothing happened and that she was upset I couldn't commit to marriage to her at this time and she has a right to keep her options open. The 35 year old guy told her he is planning to move to her city and is looking for apartments (he lives in another state in the Midwest). He also told her he used to work with special needs kids, (she had a handicapped brother who passed), his dad just passed a month ago, is looking for marriage and a future with someone, and she told me "He is telling me everything I wanted to hear from you except he is following through". A week after she flew to his hometown, he flew down to hers to apartment hunt. He went out for the night with her friends and even asked to meet her family. Meet her family after knowing her for two weeks??? She said she slept in his hotel but they didn't do anything. All the while we are still talking about the possibility of me flying down there to visit her. I told her if she moved out to where I live and gave me a 6 month trial period, and we were both happy, I would give her a ring and the rest of my life. She said that she wanted me to come down but the weekend I suggested was in October and a lot can happen between now and then. Well this past weekend, without telling me, she flew back to this guys home in the Midwest, met his family, slept with him, and is now in an official committed relationship. I deleted her from social media, was heart broken, shocked, and am at a loss for words. What level headed woman flies across the country twice in a less than a month for a man 6 years older than her who she met online and has known for less than a month? The whole thing is absurd to me! Everything I read about sociopaths, narcissists, love bombing, mirroring the other person fits this guy to an absolute T! You don't go from talking about moving here for me and possible engagements to being in a committed relationship with a total stranger in this amount of time. Am I crazy or is something really off? I would define her as a codependent type of person who can be quite needy and has pressed for marriage and kids the whole time I've known her. Is it possible she found true love with this stranger or do these whirlwind romances always fail? The guy feels like a con artist, I even Googled the company he works for as a broker and Inside Edition did a story on how the company preys on elderly people. Need advice because I really was sincere about marrying her once I took care of my responsibilities.
LostOnes05 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 No offense bro, but she sounds like the sociopath and narcissist, not him. He sounds like he's caught up in the whirlwind like you probably were. You said she has wanted marriage and kids the whole time you've known her, and wanted an engagement after just reconnecting. It's probable that all of her friends are either engaged or married and starting families, so she feels left out. So any warm body willing to give her what she wants when she wants it will do...until it doesn't. It most likely won't last, but I'd block her everywhere and try to move on (I know it's hard bro). Don't let her call, text, or email to manipulate you again. Sounds like she loves her wants, not a particular person attached to those wants. No contact, even if she reaches out through a 3rd party to contact you. 3
lolablue17 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 WOW! You dodged a deadly bullet. You tried to press you for marriage, tried to force you doing that with no any listening to your needs as well. Then she to the next level - extortion. "you don't surrender immediately to my demands, no problem, I'll keep my options open, and sleep with another guy, so you'll feel what you've lost". This is a behavior of a creepy, ugly, trashy person. You're nothing but a tool for her. Your future role would be an ATM (cheques and credit cards are welcome too). Run away form that threat, You may feel very lucky. 1
Author Ranger21 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Posted October 1, 2016 She would ultimatums a lot. After 9 months of dating she asked me to move in, I said I thought it was too soon, I wasn't in a career where I was ready for that and she started crying hysterically that we should break up if I wasn't willing to commit. I caved and moved in, we broke up after a year lease, rekindled but then it became if you buy a fishing boat (which I wanted to do since I was 10) before I make a commit to buy a ring / house that she was done. She left. Rekindled 8 months later now this. I probably should run and am probably better off, it just stings bad knowing we went from an amazing weekend together to being in a committed relationship with someone she barely knows in less than two months.
Versacehottie Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 Something's off alright. I don't know about the other guy but for sure with her. I would avoid putting the blame on him when all you should be concerned about is what sort of spoken and unspoken deals you had with her. And how fast she was able to switch gears. If she is dead set on getting married without as much concern to who it is, that's what seems like it could be going on--in that case you dodged a bullet. You want her to pick you for you. Not because she is in a rush to get married. I find it a little hard to believe that she could be over you and into some other guy to this extent so quickly. So that means she is either completely into herself, or not that into you in a REAL way. Forget what bearing it has to do on the new guy--he could be in same predicament with her essentially or they could be the real thing. TBH, I know a couple of girls who did do that with bfs that were dragging their feet and really were in love with the new guy. Not so sure that is what is going on here--because she is all too much an open book to telling you what is happening with them. To me, that sounds like she is trying to make you jealous or cause drama. Or gets off on two guys fighting over her. I wouldn't say that you are without blame/responsibility. We are only hearing your side. You sound reasonable enough with wanting to get your life in order first, but a little regimented about it. Don't forget being part of a couple is compromise so if she just felt like she wasn't getting what she needed and you were never bending then she might have decided to walk for real. Good to keep in mind for next time. This time it seems like it's mostly on her. You should focus on the things you moved to CA for and find someone new. Good luck
Author Ranger21 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Posted October 3, 2016 (edited) I deleted her off every form of social media last week. It was funny, she removed me from snapchat last week but Saturday I get a notification that she readded me and has been watching every story I post. She made her choice and has to live with it, I just wish she would stop checking in on my life via snapchat. I really think she might have borderline personality disorder. Edited October 3, 2016 by Ranger21
Author Ranger21 Posted October 8, 2016 Author Posted October 8, 2016 Would anyone ever take this person back?
BluesPower Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 No, no, no. A big fat no. You dodged a bullet, be thankful for that. Just move on and learn from it.
dumbass2 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 Would anyone ever take this person back? No way in hell based on what you have told us
Omei Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 (edited) It's a trap !!! Runaway!!! She's desperate sooooo desperate who does that stuff? Also OP don't promise marriage after multiple break ups and a hotel fling after not seeing each other for 8 months wow she was looking to get hitched to anyone who would save her, she's that other guys mistake now like that's gonna last she's using him to make you jealous nice platform for a marriage the girl is psycho. Edited October 8, 2016 by Omei
Author Ranger21 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 It's a trap !!! Runaway!!! She's desperate sooooo desperate who does that stuff? Also OP don't promise marriage after multiple break ups and a hotel fling after not seeing each other for 8 months wow she was looking to get hitched to anyone who would save her, she's that other guys mistake now like that's gonna last she's using him to make you jealous nice platform for a marriage the girl is psycho. Desperation was the first and most glaring thing that came to mind. Thanks for your advice, I have to move on. There is no way a person like this would make a good wife, like at all.
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