I'll let you know!

[carlnrtn]

Hey all, after some advice here. I'm really rubbish with this whole dating thing!

 

In staying at a hotel at the moment. Been there a week, another week to go. The receptionist is really nice. I meet women all the time on my job, but not many make me want to keep going back to tak to them.

 

Few days, we'd have a little chat every time I walked past. General chit chat. After a few days, I plucked up the courage and said (very nervously!), "how'd you like to get a drink some time after your shift?"

 

To my surprise, it wasn't an outright no. She clearly has a bit more confidence than me and just said "when?". This is my first mistake, caught off guard, I stumbled and said "erm, whenever best for you". She said she'd have to let me know,and thanks so much for asking. I said sure. See ya later. Went off.

 

Realised my mistake, and later that evening as I passed her I said "I know how that must have sounded, I don't just go round hotels trying to pick up receptionists everywhere I go, but if you change your mind then here's my number."

 

She thanked me again... And it's now 3 days later and haven't heard anything.

 

I see her a couple of times every night at the hotel, and she's still really chirpy and gives me a big hello and smile every time and we still chat a little. But no mention of the drinks...

 

Shoukd I bring it up again? Ask her if she's found some time? Or do you think she was caught off guard and really meant "I'll never let you know!"??

 

Thanks

[Art_Critic]

She isn't interested, don't pursue her...

 

You didn't do anything wrong, this just isn't a connection...

[Gaeta]

no no no, do not bring it up again.

 

Your communication was clear, I imagine she has your check out date, the ball is in her court.

 

She is probably running this one through her friends and see what they think.

 

Don't be offended if she does not follow through. She may not be interested in dating a man long distance.

[salparadise]

And your second mistake was apologizing/explaining the first one. Don't be wishy washy about it. Just pause as you're cruising by and say, "hey, let's have those drinks tonight." The ball is still in your court. She's not going to initiate just because you said, well, let me know.

 

.

[Satu]

I think there might been a window there, but you missed it by being vague.

 

Vague invitations tend to bring vague responses.

 

 

You said, "how'd you like to get a drink *some time* after your shift?"

 

That's a vague invitation.

 

She said, "when?"

 

That's a definite response.

 

You said, "whenever best for you."

 

That's a vague response.

 

I think that was the point where you lost your window.

 

Always make invitations definite:

 

"Would you like to meet up for a drink after your shift, today/tomorrow?"

 

 

Take care.

[carlnrtn]

Yeah, If I had said tomorrow, then on the spot like that she may well have agreed. I will never know haha. Lesson learnt.

 

It's not really long distance, I only live about an hour and a half away, and she knows that because of our chats.

 

I'll leave it for now. Perhaps if we're talking and a moment comes up to say let get those drinks, then I'll be forthright and do it. But as said, I've probably missed that window now. Thanks.

[carlnrtn]

Update....so I couldn't sit an do nothing. Perhaps she didn't want to bring it up. Perhaps she'd been busy and put it to the back of her mind. So as I came back from eating out we were talking about the nightlife here and I said well seeing as I don't have to work tomorrow tonight is an ideal night if you wanted that drink.

 

She said she's gotta pick up her sister from another town tonight so she can't...sorry. She didn't have to think about it, so I beleive it's genuine, but no alternative offered... so yeah, window missed!!

[dumbass2]

Yep, she was just being nice. No alternative offered = the end. Not interested in you that way. Lesson learned.

[carlnrtn]

But is it... After that I just went to my room with that attitude. Like I'm not gonna pursue any more. I'll say hi etc as I walk past but not gonna expend any more energy chasing. Went down for a smoke later in the evening and she stops me and starts talking way more than she had done before, talking about family and things she likes to do. And a little bit of flirting. Maybe not all is lost.

 

But I'm not gonna bring it up again. Ball is most definitely in her court now!

[salparadise]

Went down for a smoke later in the evening and she stops me and starts talking way more than she had done before, talking about family and things she likes to do. And a little bit of flirting. Maybe not all is lost.

 

But I'm not gonna bring it up again. Ball is most definitely in her court now!

 

You just don't know what she thinking though... the extra flirting could be a signal that she doesn't want you to give up. Your call, but I think you many be closer than you realize. If you're really interested try changing the offer to something else, like an actual date rather than just drinks (which could be interpreted as a hookup gesture). What have you got to lose? Pride is about all... and that exists in your head, not hers.

[carlnrtn]

You could be right. She does seem interested. I just don't want to keep asking, just in case I am pushing it too hard.

 

You may be right in suggesting something else though. I learnt last night thay she doesn't really drink much, and she lives half an hour away so has to drive. What else would you suggest though? She finishes work at 11pm, which is why I suggested drinks. That and I don't really know the area. I know I don't have anything to lose, if nothing comes of it then no big deal, I'll never see her again after next week...so I might as well give it a try! I've already got over the hardest part, which was building the initial confidence to even speak to her!

[GemmaUK]

If I were her and had responded with 'When?' that would mean yes for me.

 

If said guy had asked me out and had not tried to then say 'Tonight?' or 'Tomorrow?' or 'When does your shift finish?' in response to me then I would find it a bit off putting.

 

It seems she has been chatty and nice each time you have interacted and she even searched you out for a chat.

Can you see that to her she has shown interest but you appear to have forgotten or decided not to.

She will likely have thought the same thing each time of you so when you did end up asking a time then by this time she realises it has taken a long old time and if you were really interested you could easily have jumped right in at the start.

It looks to her now that you were not terribly interested - and honestly I don't think you were or otherwise you would have been just as direct as she was right at the beginning.

 

There was a guy I liked, he was flakey upon flakey about asking me out over a few weeks - all really vague, never a 'date'.

Finally, and the one time he did set a date up he flaked out the day before (I should have known that was coming - and it did cross my mind that he might). I gave up - he obviously wasn't that into me.

He made another flakey attempt at asking me out after that and I declined.

It was his lack of 'go for it' that totally turned me off in the end.

[carlnrtn]

It's not that I'm not interested,becajse I really am. It's that I'm am completely and utterly useless. And lack any sort of confidence with this. It took everything I had just to ask her, I'd already bailed on doing it a few times. I'd put so much effort into just asking the question, that I completely ballsed the response.

 

That's the thing though, she did search me out for a talk after i had suggested we meet last night. She was unavailable last night, so perhaps she's still showing me that she is interested. Don't know if I feel comfortable asking again though. I messed the first time up, the second time I got it better but she was busy, she's still showing some interest, but is asking 3 times too much?

[GemmaUK]

It's not that I'm not interested,becajse I really am. It's that I'm am completely and utterly useless. And lack any sort of confidence with this. It took everything I had just to ask her, I'd already bailed on doing it a few times. I'd put so much effort into just asking the question, that I completely ballsed the response.

 

That's the thing though, she did search me out for a talk after i had suggested we meet last night. She was unavailable last night, so perhaps she's still showing me that she is interested. Don't know if I feel comfortable asking again though. I messed the first time up, the second time I got it better but she was busy, she's still showing some interest, but is asking 3 times too much?

 

 

If I were you I would chalk this up as experience.

Put it this way - your stay is soon coming to an end and when you didn't finally ask a specific time she wasn't willing to offer another time.

Looking in the long run you're an hour and a half away so if you are as indirect when at that distance then this is not going to go anywhere.

 

Say you ask and she says yes and you go out a couple of times whilst you are at the hotel. Then you go back home, she is working until 11pm each night and you are then 1.5 hours away - how often will you be able to see each other? Do you work the same hours as she does in a usual working week?

[carlnrtn]

Yeah, she didn't offer an alternative. But she did go out of her way afterwards to make it seem like she wasn't just brushing me off.

 

I was indirect in the first instance, learnt from that, was direct the next time. And will be more direct going forward. That's what I'm asking... I don't think it's time to give up just yet... But what can I offer and how should I approach it without asking the same thing again?

 

Time isn't really an issue. I do work alternate weeks doing the same hours as her. And my job is so flexible I can basically do as I please as long as I get my job done.

[angel.eyes]

I would stop asking her to go out with you. She's not interested.

 

She's a receptionist! Her job is to make you feel welcome and happy about staying at the hotel. Telling you "no" outright creates all sorts of awkwardness and embarrassment for the guest. I worked as a receptionist at a luxury hotel while in college, and probably every second or third male guest asked me out for drinks or dinner. (I wasn't even the legal drinking age then, but there's no way they would have known that.) I was very good at my job and, like my co-workers, provided a personalized experience for each guest. While each guest I dealt with felt like they were especially valued during their stay, I had zippo interest in seeing any of them outside of my job. That was simply our job--to provide a superb level of service and a memorable customer experience. That's what they got in our interactions...a wonderful experience as it related to the details of their hotel stay, and the sense that we personally cared...about their hotel experience.

 

Her choices and responses tell me she has zero interest in actually going out with you. She asked you when, because it's an easier let-down to tell the guy you have XYZ planned at the time he suggests without outright rejecting him. Notice, she never got back to you with a date and time when you left it up to her to pick the time. Then you gave her your phone number. Notice, she never called you. Yet you kept trying instead of taking the hint and dropping it...this time suggesting a specific time. So her sister came into town and she had to be with her. The extra nice seeking you out to chit chat is to make sure you don't feel bad for the rest of your stay. Again, you're bugging her on her job where she's expected to be nice to you!

 

Generally, a guy makes one or at most two attempts then stops in these situations. For the oddball who won't take a hint, you just have to get through the week with polite excuses, and he's on his way to wherever.

 

Continuing to bug someone who isn't interested makes them less inclined to date you...not more interested. It's a turnoff. You do yourself no favors. She has your number. Should she ever change her mind, she has a way to reach you. Drop it!

 

In the meanwhile be pleasant, friendly, but go about your business as if she were a male receptionist.

[GemmaUK]

You could try again but be warned she may just say no.

How flirty is she with you whenever you two talk?

 

Going for a drink doesn't mean she has to drink alcohol. Though to drinks she said 'when?' so she wasn't averse to that at that point in time.

 

Plus she also has some form of a life before her shift instead of just after it.

If she is up for a drink it could be coffee before her shift.

[salparadise]

As evidenced by this conversation wherein both are wondering and assuming a lot about what the other is thinking, or what kind of game they're playing... sometimes you just have to hang it out there and risk rejection, or else forever be wondering what might have been.

 

Gemmauk gives a pretty good account of what it feels like from the woman's perspective. They want us to 'go for it' in a certain way, and the flair and timing matter a lot more than they should. Guys do the best they can and sometime they have to do their best several times, and still the women are vague.

 

carlnrtn, your time is limited and you've put yourself out there a few times already. She's still sending positive signals. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't be coming back around to chat again and again. Here's what I'd do...

 

Say something along the lines of, "hey I've asked you out several times now and each time you've had a reason you it wouldn't work... I'd like to know if you're interested in going out, and if so when are you available."

 

That way you're taking full control and limiting her options to yes or no. Even if she says no (which I doubt) you'll feel better for having been assertive rather than fading away due to her ambiguity. I think there is too much gamesmanship going on... her feigning demure, and you being slightly unsure and not wanting to risk yet another rejection.

 

She's either interested, or she's very good at getting men to pursue relentlessly for the ego stroke, when she actually has no interest. This way you're calling her on it and I think it's time.

[carlnrtn]

Thank you all. Great replies.

 

"Say something along the lines of, "hey I've asked you out several times now and each time you've had a reason you it wouldn't work... I'd like to know if you're interested in going out, and if so when are you available." "

 

I like this idea. I just gotta have the balls to do it haha, and find the right time.

 

I do see what you are saying angel.eyes. I'm used to staying in hotels where they will always be nice and ask how your day was etc etc. But this is a bit different, regularly stopping and chatting for long periods of time, asking me about my personal life and telling me about her's and her family. I didn't ask about her mum and dad, she started talking about them and how they'd split up. Things like that, a little beyond the normal "welcoming".

 

In terms of flirting, just a bit of playful teasing.

 

I think I just gotta go about things and see if another moment comes up. Last night definitely left me feeling positive about it. But then tonight she's been more quiet and reserved and not really been up for keeping a conversation going...but then she looks like she's piled with paperwork so I didn't stick around too long. If another good moment comes up where we're connecting, then I'll throw in what you said salparadise, and limit her options.

 

I can't leave things on a "what-if" basis... if she says no then I'll fully respect that and drop it. But at the moment, there's a feeling of uncertainty, and if there is any chance of her saying yes then I gotta get that opportunity. I meet new women every single day in my job, but it's very rare for one to make me want to keep coming back.

[mortensorchid]

Here's how I see it ...

 

You asked her, she asked when you wanted to get together and have the drink. You did not give an answer (Wednesday evening, tonight at 7 pm, etc.), you said "Whenever is best for you". She sees you as wishy washy, so if she had any interest at all it was snubbed before you even started. She still sees you because you are in the same hotel (plus it is cagey if you accept a date while on the job - as the one being asked that is), and she's friendly towards you because it's her job to be friendly to those who are hotel guests. If you were to see her outside of the hotel setting and you were no longer staying there, she would probably not be so friendly towards you.

 

Sorry this happened, you'll know better next time.

[carlnrtn]

Thanks mortensorchid. That's exactly what I thought, after I gave her a definitive date. After that point, I was like OK, I'll just forget about it, still be pleasant but won't pursue her in that way any more. It's the fact that after that, and I walked in and just said hello, that it was her that initiated a full blown 20 minute conversation about personal lives that is well beyond her remit as being a "friendly hotel receptionist". That's why I'm not entirely convinced that that's all there is to it....

[angel.eyes]

Asking guests about their family is simply one way of having them feel the staff cares about them and they are extra special and valued during their stay.

 

Your expectation that you'll somehow get a date out of this is no different than the tubby old geezer who hits on his young waitress and then thinks she must like him because she's flirty back. Somehow, he expects her to say "no" while she's serving him? The fact that she gets flirty couldn't possibly have anything to do with her job...it must be reciprocated interest. Why else would someone become flirty or tell you about their family? Do you honestly expect the waitress to be up front about the fact that he has a snow ball's chance in hell of a date with her, when her tip is on the line??? So why are you somehow different...when this receptionist keeps blowing you off politely every time you ask her out?

 

Hotel workers, especially those in customer-facing roles such as receptionists and concierges are no different. Bonuses, perks, performance reviews, promotions, etc. are all dependent on your interactions with your guests and their satisfaction.

 

She's not going to say "no" point-blank, but you'll have an easier time nailing jello to a wall than getting her to show up on a date.

 

This woman blew off your first two attempts and had an excuse for the third. She has yet to suggest an alternative despite all your attempts to take her out. Sadly, you mistake someone being nice to not hurt your feelings and who is trying to keep things pleasant at her workplace as genuine romantic interest in you. This is what it looks like from her perspective:

 

I would stop bugging her on her job.

Edited October 2, 2016 by angel.eyes

[carlnrtn]

I appreciate your input... But I think you're wrong. For one, I haven't been bugging her at all. I asked her out once, then came back later to give her my number. Then again a few days later. So I've mentioned going out twice. It's not customary to tip or anything here, she knows she won't get anything out of me from a financial or professional point of view. This isn't even what she intends on doing long term, it's a poorly paid job that's tiding her over whilst she studies her university course. I've seen the way she interacts with other guests, and she gives them the basic pleasant treatment you'd expect. She doesn't initiate full conversations with them, and I definitely notice a difference in the way she greets me to how she does others. We were talking about where we love yesterday, she lives on a solitary farm in the middle of nowhere, and showed me on a map exactly where. Would you tell a "stranger" who you're just trying to get a tip from exactly where you live?

 

Maybe she's just as nervous as I am about the whole thing? I was absolutely terrified about asking her out. I was just as terrified when I brought it up the second time. Perhaps she's scared ****less of texting me. Perhaps she just needs a little encouragement and to get her at the right time. Maybe she is interested, but hasn't fully made her mind up about me yet? At the end of the day, I am a hotel guest, and as you say she's probably been asked out loads. She may think "hmm, he's just after a quick thing then will run off home and never text again", so perhaps she's dragging it out to see if I really am genuine and am thinking about the future not just the next 5 minutes?

 

Who knows... Maybe I'm completely wrong. But telling someone to just forget about it seems poor advice... How would anyone get anywhere if they just gave up every time? I'm not asking people if I should give up. I'm asking how do I go about getting a positive result out of this. Even if that positive result is a no, but I wall away with my head held high saying I gave it my best.

[angel.eyes]

I don't know of a single hotel where you would tip a receptionist. That would be crass.

 

As I mentioned in my first post, I worked as a hotel receptionist while I was a college student. I had zero interest in making a career in the hotel industry. I understand her plight well from lots of first-hand experience.

 

Everyone felt I treated them like they were the only special snow flake in the universe. They weren't. It was a job! I pride myself on doing any job I take well, no matter how irrelevant to my career objectives, and that job was no different. Most hotels that focus on service track everyone who comes in contact with a guest. They knew exactly how I was doing. Not to mention, my supervisors and the hotel general manager were often walking around. Their observations of my guest interactions mattered. Those were the things that impacted my bonus, perks (which were substantial if you did well), and performance reviews.

[angel.eyes]

So she's scared ****less to text you, but can walk up to you in a work setting and initiate a conversation?

 

As you said, you're looking for people to agree with you and tell you to keep going. You aren't interested in other perspectives.

 

Carry on then. I'm out!