He wants to take it slow

October 1, 2016

Ive been seeing a guy for four months and recently told him that I really like him and asked where this was going. He said he likes me too but wants to take it slowly because hes been hurt in the past and I wanted to see what you guys thought.

One of the first concerns that he brought up is that my good friend(how we met) is his direct boss. He said that he knows my friend and I are very close and that my friend is a very loyal person(which he is) I think trying to say that he's afraid that if things go south my friends loyalty will lie with me and that it will effect his job. Obviously I can see why this would worry him, and it gave me pause at first as well. But my friend is also a mature person and I dont think he would let our relationship interfere with their professional relationship.

His other concern is that whenever he's "rushed" a relationship it would take a turn and his SO would show an ugly side of themselves afterwards. From what I heard through friends the relationship he was in before this was about 6 months and she said her lease was going to be up and wanted them to move in together. There was also another, maybe larger reason they broke up(I asked him about it but he wouldnt tell me, said it was too personal) that neither I or my friend know the details about, but rushing things was one of the factors. His previous relationships before that was longer term. They moved in together, had long drawn out arguments where everything was his fault, she started trying to convince him that he was a narcissist/sociopath, he eventually started to believe her, after they broke up she slept with his best friend since high school and turned a large amount of their mutual friends against him.

I can understand all of these as reasons for being hesitant to move forward. I really like him and want him to be comfortable but I also don't want to get hurt. In my mind wanting to be bf/gf after four months isnt rushing anything. Maybe I should give it another month or two. Thoughts?

Edit: For a bit of background, we see each other about 3 days a week, he's very sweet, we act like a couple, go on dates, met his friends, no problem showing PDA in front of friends and coworkers(except when my friend/his boss is around, he gets awkward) said he isnt seeing anyone else and wants to be exclusive(with no label).

Edited October 1, 2016 by camillalev

October 1, 2016

Well, I must ask what is it that you want him to do to move this RL forward?

I mean, it's four months, no? Do you want to move in? Do you want to say ILY? Do you want him to label what you are (i.e. bf/gf)?

I mean, what is it that you need him to do that is making him think this is moving too fast - like his past RLs?

October 1, 2016

Well, from your description you are boyfriend and girlfriend. You are exclusive. who cares about a label.

When he says he wants to take things slowly, what does he mean exactly? I mean, you aren't asking for a proposal or to move in it anything...

October 1, 2016

Well, I must ask what is it that you want him to do to move this RL forward?

I mean, it's four months, no? Do you want to move in? Do you want to say ILY? Do you want him to label what you are (i.e. bf/gf)?

I mean, what is it that you need him to do that is making him think this is moving too fast - like his past RLs?

I'd like to have a label and be bf/gf. I told him I didnt want to be just casual or have a FWB and asked where he thought this was going and he told me the above and some more.. maybe he thought I was alluding to more, like moving in together? Not sure, But I'd like to define what we are.

October 1, 2016

Well, from your description you are boyfriend and girlfriend. You are exclusive. who cares about a label.

When he says he wants to take things slowly, what does he mean exactly? I mean, you aren't asking for a proposal or to move in it anything...

That's what I think, from what we are doing and how we are acting we are basically boyfriend and girlfriend, but there are so many labels nowadays for different types of relationships. We hang out regularly but we dont have the label, like we dont introduce each other as bf/gf.

I'm not sure exactly what he means.. I guess that he wants to feel things out or wait to define anything.

October 1, 2016

I read your post and thought "they are boyfriend/girlfriend". With this in mind, I think it's ridiculous that he won't acknowledge what you are already.

It doesn't sound like you're trying to rush him into promises of long term commitment or anything...

October 1, 2016

Please do be cautious though. I wouldn't necessarily believe that his ex made those things up about him for no reason. There could well be some truth to it. The fact that you haven't seen these traits in him yet doesn't mean that they don't exist.

I remember one guy I knew who's wife called him all kinds of things that I just couldn't see in him....until he married my sister and we saw his true self.

I'm not saying that her accusations are either true or false...but you'd be foolish to dismiss them out of hand.

October 1, 2016

Hi Camillalev! Just give him what he wants. You would eventually know why his acting like this-taking things slow. take this opportunity to know him more. You don't have to put deadline on this. If you really like him then show him how much you care. Just think of the best and that would happen.

October 1, 2016

Being exclusive without a title is a form of FWB.

After 4 months you are not rushing anything if you wish a title.

Have you introduce each other to family and friends?

We have people posting on here who have been dating 5-6-7 months and the man still don't want a title. None of those stories have happy endings. Often they like you very much but know deep down you are not the one for them.

If at 6 months he still does not want a title I'd quit.

October 1, 2016

Hi Camillalev! Just give him what he wants. You would eventually know why his acting like this-taking things slow. take this opportunity to know him more. You don't have to put deadline on this. If you really like him then show him how much you care. Just think of the best and that would happen.

I once dated a man who didn't want a title after 3 months.

Then he still didn't want a title after 6 months.

Then he still didn't want a title after ONE year.

Turns out he was in love with his ex and was working on getting her back.

October 1, 2016

While I don't think you sound like you are rushing things, it seems like he perceives it that way. I don't think it's for any sneaky reason. The only bad thing I would caution you against is that this person is showing you that he really doesn't let others in easily. Like he is not very expressive or an open book. It could be from some recent event (bad breakup) but my guess is that it is the way he conducts himself pretty regularly. Keep that in mind.

I don't know what to advise you to do in your current situation. The "label" thing has probably ruined more than a few very promising relationships. That doesn't mean either of you is right or wrong--just if you make it an issue that each side will probably dig their heels in and see it as a challenge. I would say from his actions you are the girlfriend. If I were in your shoes, where the label meant a ton to me, I would make sure your actions don't match "girlfriend" if you aren't getting the title. I wouldn't keep discussing it. He knows where you stand. I would just give him a lot more of "just some girl you are dating" and a lot less "girlfriend". Does that make sense? ACTIONS.

I met this lady once who told me all about her husband who had just passed away. He was reluctant to let her move in to his place even though she was living there temporarily. Same stuff as your guy--wanting to go slow, be sure, blah blah. So he was away on a guys weekend (which was not a problem for either of them) and when he came back she made sure there were newspapers everywhere where she was circling apartments to move to. He asked what was going on and sounded freaked out she said. She just said matter of fact that since she had had time that weekend she had started looking for a place since living together was just temporary. He got all quiet and had to really think about the possibility I imagine. She just acted normal as if she was proceeding and I think she told me she kinda was. Anyway shortly afterward, he sat her down and said he wanted to move in officially. When I met her, he had passed away about a year before and they had been married about 40 years She told me all about what a great relationship it had been and what great times they had together.

I don't know why some guys get so hesitant. But I think the moral of the story is that pushing them doesn't work--you have to turn it back into a thing where they don't KNOW they have you but you become the thing they are trying to pin down. Well I guess it's hard to be in someone's laser focus of what they want---you may think you are not doing it but there's an anticipation there that exists no doubt and he has a low threshold.....so change the dynamic. I think he really likes you--that's what 3 times a week and showing you off to his friends and family usually is. He would be more inconsistent with spending time with you if he was unsure (at 4 months). That said, you don't want to invest yourself stupidly, which does happen even if they do like you. Turn the attention back to yourself--oh yeah, I think the lady told me something like that. She was kinda serious about the apartments because she needed to make sure she was covered. Ok, good luck

October 1, 2016

If I were you I would want to take this slow myself. I see big red flags when a person says things like "she turned our friends against me," "she called me a sociopath," and how it was due to her machinations that they moved in together after just 6 months(From your post I can't tell whether he told you these things or you heard them through someone else but in either case, he's saying them). Too much of the victim, and blaming the other person, for me. Of course these things might be true; it's the sharing of them that's the problem. In my personal experience, people who have horror stories to share after a short time of dating seem to have deal breaking baggage. Especially when they were the unerring victim.

Anyway, say that my concerns are all invalid: There is nothing wrong with the pace this is at, from what I see. Since you really like him and he is treating you the way you want to be treated, it seems like you could be messing with a good thing to try to push the time line past his comfort zone.

October 1, 2016

If I were you I would want to take this slow myself. I see big red flags when a person says things like "she turned our friends against me," "she called me a sociopath," and how it was due to her machinations that they moved in together after just 6 months(From your post I can't tell whether he told you these things or you heard them through someone else but in either case, he's saying them). Too much of the victim, and blaming the other person, for me. Of course these things might be true; it's the sharing of them that's the problem. In my personal experience, people who have horror stories to share after a short time of dating seem to have deal breaking baggage. Especially when they were the unerring victim.

Anyway, say that my concerns are all invalid: There is nothing wrong with the pace this is at, from what I see. Since you really like him and he is treating you the way you want to be treated, it seems like you could be messing with a good thing to try to push the time line past his comfort zone.

Absolutely agree that it's a red flag when your guy won't really talk about the past situation but when you get something out of him, it's really negative and blame-y. Basically he should be showing you his best. A guy who was over it or with a good character and some maturity would not say too negative of things for fear it might reflect on him and turn you off--plus he should be happy that failure of that lead him to you and not hung up.

October 1, 2016

Please do be cautious though. I wouldn't necessarily believe that his ex made those things up about him for no reason. There could well be some truth to it. The fact that you haven't seen these traits in him yet doesn't mean that they don't exist.

I remember one guy I knew who's wife called him all kinds of things that I just couldn't see in him....until he married my sister and we saw his true self.

I'm not saying that her accusations are either true or false...but you'd be foolish to dismiss them out of hand.

Yeah, I thought about this when he told me about his ex/breakup. He could have had a much larger role in the break up than he is letting on or he takes no responsibility for what happened. Ive dated a guy that would probably label me as the "crazy ex" when in fact he was a narcissist/sociopath himself, and was known amongst our friends(I found out later) to be one. Im definitely wary of guys who seem to have a string of "crazy exes", theyre usually the crazy ones.

I only really know about two of his past relationships, that one and the one before me, who he's had nothing bad to say about. She seemed like she was special to him and he told me it was the first time he had to break up with someone he still really liked and cared for. She was the one that was pushing for them to move in together after 6 months, something I found out through friends.

Being exclusive without a title is a form of FWB.

After 4 months you are not rushing anything if you wish a title.

Have you introduce each other to family and friends?

We have people posting on here who have been dating 5-6-7 months and the man still don't want a title. None of those stories have happy endings. Often they like you very much but know deep down you are not the one for them.

If at 6 months he still does not want a title I'd quit.

I agree, that's exactly what I dont want. He's introduced me to his friends, no family yet but they know about me. He did bring me to his brothers friends engagement party, we thought his brother would be there but he wasnt for some reason.

I havent introduced him to many of my friends. I dont have very many tbh, and he already knows my best friend cause that's his boss. I wonder if he thinks its weird that I havent taken him out to introduce him to my friends?

I might give it another month, we'll see.

Edited October 1, 2016 by camillalev

October 1, 2016

While I don't think you sound like you are rushing things, it seems like he perceives it that way. I don't think it's for any sneaky reason. The only bad thing I would caution you against is that this person is showing you that he really doesn't let others in easily. Like he is not very expressive or an open book. It could be from some recent event (bad breakup) but my guess is that it is the way he conducts himself pretty regularly. Keep that in mind.

I don't know what to advise you to do in your current situation. The "label" thing has probably ruined more than a few very promising relationships. That doesn't mean either of you is right or wrong--just if you make it an issue that each side will probably dig their heels in and see it as a challenge. I would say from his actions you are the girlfriend. If I were in your shoes, where the label meant a ton to me, I would make sure your actions don't match "girlfriend" if you aren't getting the title. I wouldn't keep discussing it. He knows where you stand. I would just give him a lot more of "just some girl you are dating" and a lot less "girlfriend". Does that make sense? ACTIONS.

I would say he's not too much of an open book, he has a bit of a past that he's slowly opened up to me about. My friend told me that he's a bit private and guarded and that there were things that he didnt know about him, which is true. At this point I know this guy better than my friend does. But my friend is also his direct boss so I understand that he'd be private about certain things. I'm a bit guarded/private as well so I understand his being that way.

I've been thinking about pulling away a bit, its difficult because I do really like and enjoy spending time with him.

October 1, 2016

Does anything think that him being my friends employee would be an issue? That was the first place his mind went when I brought this up to him. My friend likes him and thinks he's an overall good guy but I could tell he felt weird about us seeing each other. He basically told me that sometimes he occasionally has to yell at the guy I'm seeing if he's not doing something right, mentor him to do better, decides whether or not he gets a raise, does his yearly reviews, etc. Due to a few things in his past this is also his first real, full-time job in his career and I think my friend has helped guide and teach him on how to be a professional in a work environment.

I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and I might feel weird about it too?

October 1, 2016

Does anything think that him being my friends employee would be an issue? That was the first place his mind went when I brought this up to him. My friend likes him and thinks he's an overall good guy but I could tell he felt weird about us seeing each other. He basically told me that sometimes he occasionally has to yell at the guy I'm seeing if he's not doing something right, mentor him to do better, decides whether or not he gets a raise, does his yearly reviews, etc. Due to a few things in his past this is also his first real, full-time job in his career and I think my friend has helped guide and teach him on how to be a professional in a work environment.

I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and I might feel weird about it too?

Yes, I think this is very possible.

Do I have this right - you (female) have a best friend (male) who is the boss of the guy you are seeing?

What type of job is this, i.e., is this a career role or something less serious while in school?

In any case, I would be super uncomfortable in this position because I would be fairly certain that if it went south, the boss would side with the best friend. Even if overt siding didn't occur, I'd be uncomfortable knowing that my boss was hearing about me from a third party.

October 1, 2016

So the boss (your friend) has to 'yell at the guy'??

And the guy is telling you an awful lot of him in a good light stuff from the past.

I think I would dissect myself from both of them to be honest.

October 1, 2016

Yes, I think this is very possible.

Do I have this right - you (female) have a best friend (male) who is the boss of the guy you are seeing?

What type of job is this, i.e., is this a career role or something less serious while in school?

In any case, I would be super uncomfortable in this position because I would be fairly certain that if it went south, the boss would side with the best friend. Even if overt siding didn't occur, I'd be uncomfortable knowing that my boss was hearing about me from a third party.

Yes that's correct. This job is a career role, He left college then re-enrolled later and this is his first internship turned full-time job out of college.

I definitely get that he might feel uncomfortable with it.. It sucks because I do really like him. He's had a bit of a long road to get to where he is now and I want the best for him regardless.

It's a bit weird for me too.. There's plenty that I dont tell my friend because I respect my guy's privacy and I dont want to put my friend in an awkward position. I think my friend also doesnt want to hear too much of whatever is going on between us and I hold back on telling him certain things. I just remembered that early on he asked my guy not to talk to him about us or to ask him for advice about me(sounds so complicated!).

I wonder if this wasnt the case whether we'd be more official. We hang out once or twice during the week and during the weekend, always have sleepovers, go on dates, his friends definitely know about me, we're doing the whole thing, just not the gf/bf label.

October 1, 2016

So the boss (your friend) has to 'yell at the guy'??

And the guy is telling you an awful lot of him in a good light stuff from the past.

I think I would dissect myself from both of them to be honest.

He didnt literally mean yell, he's a great boss to all of his employees - tries to guide them through sticky situations, sticks up for them when clients get pushy, makes sure they have a good amount of time to get their work done, etc. I think he just used that term in casual conversation with me, he meant more like speak sternly to.

I'm sorry I dont undertand what you mean by "And the guy is telling you an awful lot of him in a good light stuff from the past." The guy im seeing is telling me about himself and his past in a good light?

Edited October 1, 2016 by camillalev

October 1, 2016

Does anything think that him being my friends employee would be an issue? That was the first place his mind went when I brought this up to him. My friend likes him and thinks he's an overall good guy but I could tell he felt weird about us seeing each other. He basically told me that sometimes he occasionally has to yell at the guy I'm seeing if he's not doing something right, mentor him to do better, decides whether or not he gets a raise, does his yearly reviews, etc. Due to a few things in his past this is also his first real, full-time job in his career and I think my friend has helped guide and teach him on how to be a professional in a work environment.

I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and I might feel weird about it too?

oh yes for sure.

October 2, 2016

Forget about the relationship with your friend, and his past and just take a look at this situation you are in. You are here for a reason....you don't like this at all and I don't blame you. Your concerns are legit. IMO you shouldn't have to put up with someone's baggage. I wouldn't tolerate this after a month let alone 4. I feel he shouldn't be dating you if all this is stopping him from committing. He is not ready, AND I find it unfair to you to let you in on it only because you asked. That's complete crap. He is wasting your time.

Tip: date men who are confident, know what they want and are not afraid to commit.

October 2, 2016

He didnt literally mean yell, he's a great boss to all of his employees - tries to guide them through sticky situations, sticks up for them when clients get pushy, makes sure they have a good amount of time to get their work done, etc. I think he just used that term in casual conversation with me, he meant more like speak sternly to.

Maybe it's just my thinking but having managed people myself I would have worded it as 'pull someone up' rather than 'yell'.

Anyway, the man you are dating is your greater concern.

I'm sorry I dont undertand what you mean by "And the guy is telling you an awful lot of him in a good light stuff from the past." The guy im seeing is telling me about himself and his past in a good light?

I worded it badly, what I mean is seems to be blaming his ex for things (therefore he comes over as being the one who did zero wrong)

Words like narcissist and sociopath don't come out of nowhere.

A narcissist doesn't even think he is doing anything wrong and can come across as very very charming initially, intermittently and with others.

He's also got this too personal story that he won't tell.

What has he said about his past jobs and bosses? If he says the jobs and bosses were all awful and the bosses were 'against' him somehow then I would make a note of that too.

One of my ex's blamed everyone else for anything bad that happened but was very charming and later, emotionally abused me.

It was the first time I had come across a guy who had appeared to have such an awful time with all kinds of relationships but having experienced one with him myself I just know that it wasn't all everyone else's fault at all. It was more than likely all down to him.

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