xxgreen20 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 (edited) My last relationship (which was also my first ) lasted 3.5 months and ended 2 weeks ago. For the first week, I was very upset, but it didn't take over my whole life, and the second week (this week) I hardly thought about it at all and am feeling almost completely back to my old self. I've been doing no contact, and I plan on continuing no contact either permanently or until after the New Year, which has definitely helped me even though she wanted to be friends, and I've talked to friends and family who have helped me feel better. I recently started hanging out with a girl who is very cute and has a great personality, but I do not feel that I should start a new relationship this soon, especially since literally 2 weeks ago, I was hugging my ex goodbye and crying after breaking up with her. And last week was a tough week as well. I honestly didn't start feeling better until this girl and I started hanging out, and I have thought about the new girl a lot and do like her. I have only thought about my ex a little bit this week, but when I looked at a picture of her last weekend on Facebook, I felt very nostalgic. So anyway, I was initially thinking I should wait until November to start looking for another girlfriend since September to November is about half the length of our relationship, but now I am hearing that one month is ok. I do not want this new girl to be a rebound, and I do like her a lot, so I don't think she would be, but I'm just wondering what your guys opinions are about this. I believe that if I want to ask out the new girl, I should wait one or two more weeks just to know that it's not a rebound. Do you guys think 1-2 more weeks is optional (that would be a month since the breakup) or am I better off waiting until November? And while I wait, how can I ensure that I don't wind up in the friend zone? Edited September 30, 2016 by xxgreen20 1
Satu Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 There are no rules about how long is long enough, but here's a clip from my journal about this topic: "Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before. Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before. By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future. The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. 'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do." Only you can know when you're ready. Take care. 1
kendahke Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 A good rule of thumb would be that you're not comparing the new person with the ex while you're in their company. And that you allow yourself to open up and let them in to get to know you, not stay closed off, emotionally. 1
kgal785 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Hi xxgreen20, There are no set rules when it comes to relationships. However, it is important to make sure you have processed your feelings about your last relationship and have come to some sort of resolution before you move on to another relationship. Have you discussed your feelings and situation with the new person in your life? Maybe they can provide their input on what they feel is best for the both of you and what they are comfortable with. Sometimes letting things develop at their own pace without rushing things is best. I hope things go well for you in your future relationships! 2
Toodaloo Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 No hard and fast rules. If you no longer think about your ex you are ready. So when NC turns into indifference, when you walk down the street and think "they look great" with out any notion of your ex coming into your head that is when you are ready. From the sounds of things it doesn't sound like it will take much longer.
Miss Peach Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 (edited) I agree with the indifference comment. I also wouldn't do anything until you can see new people as individuals and not harbor any resentment or baggage from the ex. It's no fun being on the receiving end of someone punishing you for something an ex did. I never liked the half the relationship rule of thumb. So if a person coming out of a 20 year relationship should wait 10 years? I think for most people it would be a year or two. This has varied a lot for me. The shortest was a few weeks. The longest was a year. The more traumatic the ending the longer it took usually. I think the ending was a bigger predictor than the length for me. Edited October 5, 2016 by Miss Peach
SammySammy Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 You shouldn't date again until you're ready. How long that takes varies. Could be one day. Could be a year or more. When you're ready to move on, do so. Without feeling the need to explain or apologize to anyone.
TooRational Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 The more traumatic the ending the longer it took usually. I think the ending was a bigger predictor than the length for me. Totally agree with this. I was ready to date again 2 months after my 18 years marriage because when we separated, there was nothing left. Everything had died so it was relatively simple to move on. My last relationship lasted 6 months but was very intense and the breakup was very painful. It's been 4 months now and I don't think that I'm ready yet. I still think about my ex every day. Bottom line: do you still romantically think about your ex or have any hope of getting back together again? If so you're probably not ready.
thecrucible Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 However long it takes. Now I'm quite an emotional person so my barometer of being over someone is my emotional self-control and the extent to which I think or speak about them. If I'm still spending a lot of time talking to the friends about the ex or even think about mentioning an ex on a date, I know for sure I am not ready. My last ex I rarely think about now. I mean from time to time he crops up in my thoughts, but I'm mainly focused on whatever I'm doing.
joseb Posted October 7, 2016 Posted October 7, 2016 OP, my worry in your case is that you only started to feel better hanging out with this other girl. That kinda suggests to me that you haven't really processed the breakup and are using this girl as a distraction from that
Author xxgreen20 Posted October 7, 2016 Author Posted October 7, 2016 Totally agree with this. I was ready to date again 2 months after my 18 years marriage because when we separated, there was nothing left. Everything had died so it was relatively simple to move on. My last relationship lasted 6 months but was very intense and the breakup was very painful. It's been 4 months now and I don't think that I'm ready yet. I still think about my ex every day. Bottom line: do you still romantically think about your ex or have any hope of getting back together again? If so you're probably not ready. I still do romantically think about her from time to time, but she doesn't consume my thoughts. And as for getting back together, if she ever called me and wanted to get back together, I would say no unless she could really prove that she made a mistake and told me she could change.
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