Ash24 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 How do you make the choice to leave and take your daughter away from her father? And not just a few miles away or the next state over, but 12 hours away. Family is a big thing for me so doing so would mean I’d be pulling her away from part of her family. Without trying to bash anyone I’ll try to explain why I feel like I need to leave. There is no consistency, sometimes he helps but most of the time he’s outside reading a book while I bust ass to make dinner, manage classes for a nursing program, and give our daughter the attention she deserves. He laid in that bed and made a baby, not just me, it’s not asking much to do the things a parent for supposed to do to begin with, but instead giving her a bath is considered helping me, late night wake ups are out of the question, before potty training dirty diapers were a no-go unless I wasn’t home. If I’m pretty much doing it all anyway why am I still here? Serious conversations of any magnitude result in telling me I can leave whenever I want but our daughter isn’t going anywhere, I couldn’t support her, where would I go, how would I provide for her- even though none of the topics have ever remotely touched on leaving, to be honest I hadn’t even thought of it until recently. Yes, he is a bully, many people who know us will say he’s that and controlling, for the longest I stood up for him and made excuses as to why he was that way or it’s not how it looks. I’ve always been the submissive type not really caring one way or another as long as physical abuse wasn’t involved (it’s not), so the way he was never bothered me until he started using my daughter against me. I feel like I deserve more, I feel like I’m worth more. Just because we have a child together does that mean my worth goes out the window? Now don’t get me wrong we have our happy moments but that all goes back to the consistency part. You honestly have to look at it like dinner, you never know what side of him you’re gonna get. Your day can be going great but he comes in from work pissed and down the drain that day goes; and vice versa. He provides for us and makes sure we are taken care of but I’ve never viewed finances an influence on staying in a relationship. It boils down to wanting consistency, wanting more out of our relationship knowing where I fit in other than being his daughter’s mother, wanting the support through nursing school he offered before I started. And yes many of you will probably say talk to him and tell him all these things, I did. And so far, a lot of asking if I’m leaving him and no change.
smackie9 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Some choices: -get couples counseling -get counseling for yourself -talk to a lawyer and know your rights and his rights *btw he has no choice but to support his daughter whether you are together or not. -lean on friends and family for support -don't tell him your plans until you have taken action and plans are set. -move in with a friend or family member -don't move 1000 miles away, this will only make your transition very difficult because he will become difficult. -get a job/better job or find a job that provides daycare or contact social services to see what they can provide for daycare. 1
coolheadal Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 He's not giving you the attention an appreciation you need out of a relationship! Then you have to find another man who will do that for you and I going to tell you off the bat that's not easy as you think with a child with you. Gets really messy but in all your mind is set to leave and your going to do whatever makes you feel like going. I say good luck but also he might not let you go so easy. Mr Book Reader, going to try too tell and convince you he will change but he won't because he can't and why because he so use to being who he is really he lives in his comfort zone. What you see is what you get! That is it. Shame really I would what you wanted I wish more woman had men like me who wouldn't be so selfish and really help out more give you the time, appreciation and respect you need. If you want that person you should be happy to know they care enough to help you with dinner, set the table an etc. Here honey let me help you with that and etc. Instead of saying is dinner ready yet? 1
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 No matter what you think of him he is still the father of your child and has rights. I doubt a judge will let you move 12 hours away. Your child has nothing to do with your dysfunctional relationship, your child is also entitled to having a relationship with her father. A loser for father is better than no father. Leave him but do not uproot your child. Stay in the area and allow your child to have a father. She will thank you in the long run. If he wants shared custody than accept, that will allow you to give more time to your study. Taking a child away from a parent by resentment is destructive only to the child. 1
Methodical Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 If I’m pretty much doing it all anyway why am I still here? Serious conversations of any magnitude result in telling me I can leave whenever I want but our daughter isn’t going anywhere, I couldn’t support her, where would I go, how would I provide for her- even though none of the topics have ever remotely touched on leaving, to be honest I hadn’t even thought of it until recently. Yes, he is a bully, many people who know us will say he’s that and controlling, for the longest I stood up for him and made excuses as to why he was that way or it’s not how it looks. [/Quote] He isn't physically abusive, be he is manipulative. Your daughter is too young to realize what is happening now, but soon enough she will. Do you want her growing up in an environment that "teaches" her that being trampled on mentally and emotionally is okay? I feel like I deserve more, I feel like I’m worth more. Just because we have a child together does that mean my worth goes out the window? [/Quote] No, your worth doesn't go out the window unless you allow it. Thus far, I believe you have a healthy grasp on your self-worth. Keep it. And yes many of you will probably say talk to him and tell him all these things, I did. And so far, a lot of asking if I’m leaving him and no change. He doesn't believe you will call his bluff, which is why he has no issue telling you to leave, followed by asking how you'll support yourself and asking where you would go (planting seeds of doubt). He believes he is your (and your daughter's) lifeline. And based on your post, he holds those convictions based solely on finances, which is only one piece of the puzzle. He might be a good financial provider, but you are on your way to a career that will provide financial stability without him. Moving far away, while not necessarily ideal to accommodate visitation, can still work. Be prepared for a nasty custody battle tho, because he truly believes he has the upper hand and you will cow to his logic of reasoning. When he realizes that isn't working, he'll either beg and plead for a second chance, OR, his claws will come out and he'll be reaching for blood. 1
preraph Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Please listen to me because you know nothing about the legalities here. You are not allowed to move away with your child that far away. I don't know what state you're in, but most will not let you move farther away than about a 90-minute drive. Your husband so far has done nothing I can tell to cause him to not be able to get joint custody, so you will have no choice but to remain within visiting distance and split custody of the children with him. In short, this is not up to you. If you take off and leave for another state with your kids, that is an actionable offense that you can be charged with. It sounds like you need a divorce, yes, but unless he has done something heinous like drive drunk with the kids in the car, take drugs, abuse them sexually, he has rights to share custody. If you have done any of the above things, he can take them from you. But even if either of you loses custody due to any of those things, there are steps the court assigns to get the kids back: rehab, counseling, parenting classes, for example. Even felons released from prison are allowed to see their kids in most cases because they have "done their time." I'm not saying I agree with that, but that's how it is. So you can't do anything on your own. If you need a divorce, you will either have to get your own attorney or he will have to agree with it and you'll have to agree on child custody, and he clearly isn't going to do that, so you better just get an attorney and follow the attorney's advice. You can look up the state law in your state to find out how far away you're allowed to move, but no matter whether it's 10 miles or 120, if you move the maximum away, it will be up to you to make that drive twice a week to exchange kids, so you better get used to the idea of getting along with your ex enough to be civil when you exchange kids and stay right there where you are or everything will just be harder. Once you have kids, the father is a part of their lives forever barring extreme circumstances, and you don't have that from what I've read here.
Miss Peach Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Here is my BTDT story. I was with a XH who treated me pretty badly at times and pulled all sorts of manipulative stuff. I had to leave him in the end, but he still is her father and needs time with her to be one. This is actually really common with single parents even if one is not a good person. Likely you won't be able to just move unless he decides to be an absent father or wants to move too. Many courts will actually bar you from it as soon as you file. In mine we both have to stay in the county.
KatieCares Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 It's obvious how frustrated you are, and I understand. It' hard to feel used and unappreciated. Others have given advice on the legalities involved in moving away, and it would be wise to heed them. It's not going to be as simple as you would like it to be. Sorry. Before you give up I would strongly suggest counseling, for both of you, if possible...at least for yourself. Deconstructing a family should never be taken lightly. Please do everything in your power to save it! This is something you will never regret! Blessings! 1
Author Ash24 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Posted September 30, 2016 I didn't get into a lot of the details but many of you seem to be concerned with me not being able to take my daughter so far away or that I shouldn't. 12 hours away is where my closest family lives. Other than the few people I know on a personal basis through school there is no one else here aside from all of his family. I spoke with an attorney about a week ago leaving the state isn't an issue due to the fact we arent married and that's where my support system is. Unless he petitions for my daughter having to stay before I leave the state. I really have looked into this from all sides, the only thing that has stopped me is my daughter. I don't want her to be that far away from her father. I want them to have a relationship. It would seem that my issues are understandable and would warrant leaving if I didn't have a little girl to think about as well from what I'm reading which is why I posted this to begin with. I have no intentions on just up and leaving without trying to work through it first, for my daughter because she deserves that. But I did want to know if nothing worked that it wouldn't be crazy of me for leaving.
smackie9 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 I didn't get into a lot of the details but many of you seem to be concerned with me not being able to take my daughter so far away or that I shouldn't. 12 hours away is where my closest family lives. Other than the few people I know on a personal basis through school there is no one else here aside from all of his family. I spoke with an attorney about a week ago leaving the state isn't an issue due to the fact we arent married and that's where my support system is. Unless he petitions for my daughter having to stay before I leave the state. I really have looked into this from all sides, the only thing that has stopped me is my daughter. I don't want her to be that far away from her father. I want them to have a relationship. It would seem that my issues are understandable and would warrant leaving if I didn't have a little girl to think about as well from what I'm reading which is why I posted this to begin with. I have no intentions on just up and leaving without trying to work through it first, for my daughter because she deserves that. But I did want to know if nothing worked that it wouldn't be crazy of me for leaving. As long as it's legal sure go for it. Unfortunately the father has rights too despite your relationship going sour.
smackie9 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Are you married to him? She is not......
Author Ash24 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Posted September 30, 2016 Are you married to him? No I'm not.
Methodical Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Are you married to him? I spoke with an attorney about a week ago leaving the state isn't an issue due to the fact we aren't married and that's where my support system is. Unless he petitions for my daughter having to stay before I leave the state. ,,,,,,,,,,
GemmaUK Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 My own opinion here but I think you have a whole lot more going on here than you have posted. You are not yet at the point of deciding where to go - be it 12 hours or 2. One of the worst things I see on here is dribbled information from an OP - I do it myself so no offence intended to you OP! You have a current. prolonged issue - tell us the rest. The help you will get will be better formed to your REAL situation. It may take tying time. Wait until you can.
preraph Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Most men will stop you from going either because of course they want to see the child or even if they don't care, if don't want you to leave, they will do it for that reason. But glad you have an attorney. That your family is there holds no power at all if he wants visitation.
strawberryshortstack Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 No matter what you think of him he is still the father of your child and has rights. I doubt a judge will let you move 12 hours away. Your child has nothing to do with your dysfunctional relationship, your child is also entitled to having a relationship with her father. A loser for father is better than no father. I respectfully disagree. A child deserves parents who are willing and WANT to put in the effort to BE a parent. Even if that means only one parent is in the picture. Plenty of healthy, happy children (who grow up to be healthy, happy adults) come from families with only one parent.
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