Is there any hope left?

[NCmav]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

 

I (26M) have been dating this girl (26F) for five months now. We live about two hours apart and for the most part things were amazing at first...until my insecurities took center stage. I became overly emotional about every little thing, picked fights for no reason, and pushed her away. Over and over. It seems like two and a half weeks ago she had enough and said she needed space. We didn't talk for a few days, then she started slowly talking again. Rarely sends good night or good morning texts anymore. At one point she noted, "I really need to know it is going to be different."

 

She asked to meet for dinner a few days ago, and it went okay. She hasn't broke up with me, but you can tell she is conflicted. No physical affection, but you can still see it in her eyes that there is something there even though she is also really guarded. She brought up the relationship, and I apologized for being immature. She was taken back, saying that makes her happy that I finally owned up to it. She asked me to text when I was home, and right when I got there I opened up Facebook briefly then put my phone down to change. When I came back she asked if "I was home yet, no?" We talked a bit more. After an hour or so she messaged me to thank me for dinner, flowers, and the letter I have her. She said she could tell I poured my heart into it.

 

The next morning she messaged me a picture of the flowers and said she "reallllly" liked them. The rest of the day we didn't talk at all. Come to find out we both thought each other was upset.

 

I have recognized my wrongdoings, and have even scheduled a counseling session for myself for the coming week. I am struggling with this a lot the past few weeks. I have had a few pieces of toast since Wednesday when we met up, and am just so lost.

 

She offered to help me do some shopping for bedding this weekend, and said it was okay if I came over her place tonight and stayed through tomorrow. She told me not to expect anything. Is this a good thing? Does she just need to warm up again?

 

Sorry if this is all so jumbled. I just want her to be happy in the end. Just some input from another perspective.

 

Thanks!

Edited September 30, 2016 by NCmav

[Satu]

snip

*I became overly emotional about every little thing, picked fights for no reason, and pushed her away. Over and over. It seems like two and a half weeks ago she had enough and said she needed space. We didn't talk for a few days, then she started slowly talking again. Rarely sends good night or good morning texts anymore. At one point she noted, "I really need to know it is going to be different."

 

*Why do you think you behaved this way?

 

Has this kind of behaviour come up in other romantic/non-romantic relationships?

 

If you can gain some understanding about why you behave this way, you'll probably be able to gain some control over it.

 

 

Take care.

[NCmav]

snip

 

 

*Why do you think you behaved this way?

 

Has this kind of behaviour come up in other romantic/non-romantic relationships?

 

If you can gain some understanding about why you behave this way, you'll probably be able to gain some control over it.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

It has only in recent years.

 

 

My two long term relationships in the past have ended with me being cheated on, and I never properly dealt with that. Now when I get anxious, my guard goes up and I push away. Then my head goes down into the rabbit hole so to speak. I took the first step and made the appointment to resolve this. More than anything I want her to be happy. I just don't know how to deal with what she needs right now.

[Satu]

snip

My two long term relationships in the past have ended with me being cheated on, and I never properly dealt with that. Now when I get anxious, my guard goes up and I push away. Then my head goes down into the rabbit hole so to speak. I took the first step and made the appointment to resolve this. More than anything I want her to be happy. I just don't know how to deal with what she needs right now.

 

Is there something she does that triggers your anxiety?

 

Anxiety is really a kind of fear.

 

So what is it you're afraid of?

 

Being cheated on again?

 

Being abandoned?

 

Something else?

[NCmav]

snip

 

 

Is there something she does that triggers your anxiety?

 

Anxiety is really a kind of fear.

 

So what is it you're afraid of?

 

Being cheated on again?

 

Being abandoned?

 

Something else?

 

 

Not hearing from her is when my mind starts to wander. I am afraid of being cheated on again. I need to allow myself to trust who I am with, and stop the spiraling. Either way I need to work on this whether she wants to stick around or not.

 

 

I just don't know what to make of her mixed signals, although I get why.

[BaileyB]

Counselling will be really helpful for you. Good for you for making the call.

 

I hope she will hang in with you while you try to figure this out. I think she is scared right now, just as you have been scared.

 

Remember, everyone is different. Relationships make you vulnerable and you have to trust your partner. If you can't do that, you shouldn't be in a relationship. You've had some very bad experiences in the past, and that is really unfortunate. But, this girl is a different person and unless she has given you reason not to trust her, you need to work hard not to let your past influence your future. All the best to you!

[NCmav]

Counselling will be really helpful for you. Good for you for making the call.

 

I hope she will hang in with you while you try to figure this out. I think she is scared right now, just as you have been scared.

 

Remember, everyone is different. Relationships make you vulnerable and you have to trust your partner. If you can't do that, you shouldn't be in a relationship. You've had some very bad experiences in the past, and that is really unfortunate. But, this girl is a different person and unless she has given you reason not to trust her, you need to work hard not to let your past influence your future. All the best to you!

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

I regret that I have hurt her more than anything and know I need to fix this. If she ends it, it will not be the fault of anyone but me. I just hope her mixed signals are a sign of hope.

[ExpatInItaly]

You sound quite similar to my ex-boyfriend, OP.

 

He was always getting upset over very minor issues, to the point where I felt I was walking on eggshells. I never knew when he'd freak out about something. I eventually got so turned off and tired of this behaviour that I left.

 

The major difference between you and him is that you are acknowledging your role in this, and taking steps to rectify it. Counselling is a great start. There might still be some hope left if your girlfriend sees concerted and sustained effort to take responsibility for your own emotions rather than dumping them on her.

 

I caution you that this will be a slow process and require better communication from both of you. I don't see how you two each thought the other was upset after she texted you a picture of the flowers? You both need to stop assuming that you know what the other is thinking or feelings - and talk.

[NCmav]

I caution you that this will be a slow process and require better communication from both of you. I don't see how you two each thought the other was upset after she texted you a picture of the flowers? You both need to stop assuming that you know what the other is thinking or feelings - and talk.

 

 

Well she messaged me a picture of the flowers in the morning, to which I responded. I never heard back and didn't want to message her fearing I would push her away more. Come later that night, when I messaged her, she thought she may have said or did something wrong.

 

 

I want her to have all the time in the world she needs, and understand that it will be slow. I just want to be sure we are moving in the right direction but I can't seem to read her signals. Is her inviting me over to go for a hike or grab some new comforters for my home a good thing? Even though she has been cold?

[NCmav]

A bit of an update:

 

 

Went over to her place Friday night. We talked a bit, nothing special. She was very cold, no PC what so ever. I told her I would leave but she insisted it was late and I should stay. I offered to sleep on the couch, she insisted on coming into bed. Nothing happened.

 

 

Next morning she made breakfast, then we went out for a nice little hike followed by a beer tasting event. A little bit of PC at the bar, just brushing my hand, etc. We got back and grabbed dinner to go on the way home. Again, I said I was heading home after and she said it was okay to stay. I told her I would leave first thing in the morning. We got talking a lot, and I broke down in front of her. Told her I wish I realized what I had been doing to her months ago. She said she wasn't sure if she can bring her walls back down enough with me. She said that her mother and sister are telling her to leave me, but when I asked her why she hasn't just broken up she noted that she doesn't want to lose me from her life. I told her there was no way we could ever be friends. We either work this out together and take all the time she needs to see if it will work, or we go our separate ways forever. She was upset by that. She noted how maybe we could build a solid friendship and go from there. I told her if she wants to rebuild, we do it as a couple. We watched a bit of TV, sipped coffee, and I left a while after.

 

 

When I got home I threw on the XBOX to try and decompress. Text message from her came in asking if I was home. We made small talk, she mentioned that I forgot to give her some photos of the trip we went on that I had stored on my flash drive. I gave her my Google Drive info so she could download them from there, but she insisted that she get them when she sees me next.

 

 

I really don't know what to make of everything. I am still breaking down nearly every day on my way to work thinking of life without her and how much I messed this up. It is selfish of me to want her to choose us. I told her that I just wanted her to be happy yesterday. Truly happy. I guess it is just more of the same thing for the time being. Any insights would be appreciated.