sunking101 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 You're overthinking this. Most attractive women have male friends, but they're just that. In my opinion if you relate to her that this annoyed you in any way then she'll think less of you. Be cool and confident and don't let it get to you. If she wanted to see him then she would, but she's not, she's seeing you. Why do men have to accept that our girlfriend can disrespect us & our relationship? Modern day relationships mean that women are allowed to have poor boundaries and that they can bring threatening situations to our door. If we don't like it then we're insecure and controlling. Meh. 2
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Here's the thing. She's never out right posted a pic of me because she doesn't want her family knowing about her being in a relationship. We come from very cultural backrounds so other people will generally stick their noses into our business. I have also been very selective of when I mention her. So the people that wrote these comments on her picture do not know she is in a relationship with you. If so then you have to expect these types of comments. For everyone she is single. I understand you don't want your GF to spend some time alone with a man. I get that. But weren't they in public? day time? That being said I think you have much bigger problems than her having a long time male friends if your relationship is and has to remain a secret. How do you see this being viable long term? I know it's not the topic of this thread but you are being worried about a technicality while this relationship isn't viable in my opinion. How do you want people to respect you as the BF, and respect her as your GF, if this is a hidden relationship? You cannot blame men to be coming on to her. She is single for all the world around.
Grey40 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 My GF has a really close male friend. They've been friends for a while and hang out with each other now and then. Their friendship doesn't bother me at all. However, yesterday she posted a pic of them hanging out and captioned it with things like "best person ever" "amazing friend". On the comments there was even someone hinting that they should be together already and she laughed it off. So, I don't plan on doing anything about it or making it a big deal, but I do feel annoyed. What I want to know is whether any of you would also feel annoyed in this situation or whether im just paying too much attention to it. That does suck. We've all been there at some point. I try to stay away from girls who are way too close to a guy friend like you describe. Nothing wrong with having male friends, but the one on one thing would definitely bother me. A lot of feelings and such have shown to develop for women in those circumstances. I would bring it up to her, but not in a jealous or angry way. Just say that it does kind of bother you, and ask her if she'd feel the same if you had a close female friend and were doing that. How long have you been dating this girl? If it's been a while you can totally just be up front about it bothering you. If this is a new fling, you will def come off as a insecure loser if you bring this up too soon. 1
Imajerk17 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 (edited) I agree with the guys on this--and smackie. A big part of being faithful to your significant other is avoiding situations that even LOOK fishy. Her posting "best person ever" in relation to her guy friend is if nothing else, quite disrespectful of you. If I were in your position I wouldn't be happy either. Edited September 30, 2016 by Imajerk17 1
metaltrees Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 I agree. I also have female friends, and they're just that. But I rarely ever hang out with them one on one nor do I make posts about how they're the most amazing person in the world You're expecting her to act based on your personal principles and when she doesn't act the way you want you get angry. If this violates your personal principles so much then break up with her. If you were coming from a place of confidence then this wouldn't be an issue. I don't see how her hanging out with a male friend one on one is a red flag, especially when she's posting publicly on facebook about it. If she had something to hide then surely she'd be doing it behind your back? 1
Grey40 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 You're expecting her to act based on your personal principles and when she doesn't act the way you want you get angry. If this violates your personal principles so much then break up with her. If you were coming from a place of confidence then this wouldn't be an issue. I don't see how her hanging out with a male friend one on one is a red flag, especially when she's posting publicly on facebook about it. If she had something to hide then surely she'd be doing it behind your back? Eh, you make a good point, but it's still kind of disrespectful to the relationship. And many times women end up getting feelings for their longtime male friends. It's actually fairly common. As a male to say it wouldn't bother you is lieing to yourself.
metaltrees Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 Why do men have to accept that our girlfriend can disrespect us & our relationship? Modern day relationships mean that women are allowed to have poor boundaries and that they can bring threatening situations to our door. If we don't like it then we're insecure and controlling. Meh. Fearing that a girlfriend will cheat on you with a guy friend IS insecure behaviour. Especially when there's no evidence to even suggest this. This line of thinking doesn't even enter the head of a secure man.
phineas Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 It's because you think women are wired like men. Once a woman has put a man in the friendzone, there is nothing much he can do to be taken out of there. I know, I am a woman with male friends. I feel toward them the way I feel for a brother or a cousin. My daughter (from a younger generation) has many male friends and nothing ever happened because she is not attracted toward them that way. If one of my long time male friend made a move on me, he would not be a friend anymore. It would be the most YUK feeling ever and I would not keep around a man that makes move on me while I am in a relationship with someone else. I don't know why you all attack this male friend. He is not the one suggesting the girlfriend and him should be together. None of you thought to ask if he is himself in a relationship. Right away you hammer the guy just for being a guy. When a woman friend with a BF wants to hang with me, it's because she isn't into the BF as much and she starts coming onto me and things happen. Sometimes sex, sometimes just less than sex. Granted, we went yrs being 100% platonic friends. Then I guess they got fed up with the guy and instead of just dumping him they started looking for attention & affection from me. 1
Imajerk17 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 I'll be honest...some of the comments on here are unbelievable to me. Ladies, you seriously would be OK with your boyfriend hanging out w another woman one-on-one, AND saying "best person ever", while he keeps his relationship with YOU a secret? Seriously? 2
Grey40 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 Fearing that a girlfriend will cheat on you with a guy friend IS insecure behaviour. Especially when there's no evidence to even suggest this. This line of thinking doesn't even enter the head of a secure man. Disagree. It enters the mind of every man. Acting on it is insecure I would agree, but it's always going to be in the back of your mind because cheating is prevalent in our society. 1
metaltrees Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 Eh, you make a good point, but it's still kind of disrespectful to the relationship. And many times women end up getting feelings for their longtime male friends. It's actually fairly common. As a male to say it wouldn't bother you is lieing to yourself. I don't see how it's disrespectful at all. Women are allowed to have close male friends. Just because he has a penis doesn't mean they're having sex, or that he's a threat to your relationship. Trying to control her behaviour doesn't work. Ever. It shows you're insecure and fearful she'll leave you. You need to take it on the chin, or if it bothers you that much then you have to leave the relationship. 2
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 When a woman friend with a BF wants to hang with me, it's because she isn't into the BF as much and she starts coming onto me and things happen. Sometimes sex, sometimes just less than sex. Granted, we went yrs being 100% platonic friends. Then I guess they got fed up with the guy and instead of just dumping him they started looking for attention & affection from me. I don't know, maybe I am wired differently. I love my BF and would never want to sleep with my male friends. They're friends cause I don't like them 'that way'. To me they are like family. With them I get the same yuk feeling I get if you suggest I kiss a brother. 1
Grey40 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 I don't see how it's disrespectful at all. Women are allowed to have close male friends. Just because he has a penis doesn't mean they're having sex, or that he's a threat to your relationship. Trying to control her behaviour doesn't work. Ever. It shows you're insecure and fearful she'll leave you. You need to take it on the chin, or if it bothers you that much then you have to leave the relationship. Yeah I wouldn't try to control her at all, of course not. That would be acting on it. I don't see a problem bringing it up to her though. By disrespectful, I mean more that you're the one she's dating, The BF should be the "most amazing person" not some male friend. Once again, I agree that the OP is reading too much into it. But I would certainly continue to monitor the situation and if bothers you bring it up and if you can't cope then just break up with her if you can before you get too deep.
Imajerk17 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 I don't see how it's disrespectful at all. Women are allowed to have close male friends. Just because he has a penis doesn't mean they're having sex, or that he's a threat to your relationship. Trying to control her behaviour doesn't work. Ever. It shows you're insecure and fearful she'll leave you. You need to take it on the chin, or if it bothers you that much then you have to leave the relationship. There's nothing wrong with having good friends of the opposite gender, but when you are in a relationship, there are BOUNDARIES. That is the issue here. Most guys probable would feel that a woman bragging about a close male friend to her social circle when they don't even know about her boyfriend, is a violating healthy relationship boundaries. 1
sunking101 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 I don't see how it's disrespectful at all. Women are allowed to have close male friends. Just because he has a penis doesn't mean they're having sex, or that he's a threat to your relationship. Trying to control her behaviour doesn't work. Ever. It shows you're insecure and fearful she'll leave you. You need to take it on the chin, or if it bothers you that much then you have to leave the relationship. Her having close male friends shows *us* something too.
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 I'll be honest...some of the comments on here are unbelievable to me. Ladies, you seriously would be OK with your boyfriend hanging out w another woman one-on-one, AND saying "best person ever", while he keeps his relationship with YOU a secret? Seriously? This is new information. My BF does have a female friend and he does spend time alone with her for lunches maybe once a month and they help each other with different things like driving to airport, fixing car, etc. She has a boyfriend and she knows my BF has me. I trust my BF 100% and look forward to meeting her. If my BF kept me a secret it would be a different story. This is a last minute element OP is disclosing. It changes things a great deal. 1
metaltrees Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 Has she mentioned why she hasn't told them about you? How long are you dating?
phineas Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 I don't know, maybe I am wired differently. I love my BF and would never want to sleep with my male friends. They're friends cause I don't like them 'that way'. To me they are like family. With them I get the same yuk feeling I get if you suggest I kiss a brother. Believe it or not i believe some of them slept with me only because another woman was showing interest and they didn't want to lose my attention. But after sex a few times they didn't want to date so i went with the other woman who did want to date. Don't know if my wanting to date them turned them off or if they just wanted to keep my attention like I suspect. Because after they stopped sleeping with me they would dangle that sex carrot a few times until I got fed up & stopped talking to them. Then, next time I saw them out, sex happened. Let me clarify something, I would never date these women because as hot as they are, they are trainwrecks. The guys they date either don't know somehow or don't care. 1
Imajerk17 Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 (edited) Gaeta, your post #27, a whole page ago. So the people that wrote these comments on her picture do not know she is in a relationship with you. If so then you have to expect these types of comments. For everyone she is single. I understand you don't want your GF to spend some time alone with a man. I get that. But weren't they in public? day time? That being said I think you have much bigger problems than her having a long time male friends if your relationship is and has to remain a secret. How do you see this being viable long term? I know it's not the topic of this thread but you are being worried about a technicality while this relationship isn't viable in my opinion. How do you want people to respect you as the BF, and respect her as your GF, if this is a hidden relationship? You cannot blame men to be coming on to her. She is single for all the world around. The OP already said he doesn't mind his girlfriend hanging out one-on-one with male friends. He already said that what he is not comfortable with is how she is handling things with her circle friends, more specifically on social media. From the way that she is handling things on social media, her friends seem to think she and this guy friend of hers are getting closer and closer and maybe they should try dating if they aren't already. They have no idea that she is off-limits to this guy due to her having a boyfriend she is really into. That strikes me as, if nothing else, not cool--disrespectful to the OP boyfriend. I think his not liking this is warranted. You knew that the OP's girlfriend hasn't told her circle about the OP from a page ago though. Yet, from your posts you seem to think the way she is handling things is fine. (I have yet to hear you say that the way she is handling things is disrespectful. The only woman who has is smackie.) Now I take it from your latest post (#37) that you're implying that you think the way she is handling things is not cool after all? Which is it? Edited October 1, 2016 by Imajerk17 1
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 My first impression was that OP's girlfriend wrote a comment about her friend that seemed to use vocabulary most young people use nowadays. Best person ever Amazing friend Isn't offensive to me. Sounds like something she'd say to any friend pausing with her. I know our secretary at the office says that about me, and about 100 other persons as well. It's just things people say. Then there are the comments from people. This I did say she needs to address this. I said she should tell these people that their comment are inappropriate as she is in a relationship and to refrain from making such comments in the future. I did say that. Now we learn that OP and her are in a 'secret' relationship so she cannot advice people their behavior are disrespectful of her boyfriend. They don't know she has a boyfriend. So if people don't know she has a boyfriend, can OP be mad that men are coming on to her GF and that people will suggest she hooks up with certain guys.
Author 7675 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Posted October 1, 2016 A few things need to be clarified. Her close friends know about me. Including the guy. But its mostly people she would've told in person or over instant messengers like whatsapp. On social media however (Facebook, Instagram) she has not posted a pic of me or us together. She has tagged me in a few things, posted a few pics like starbucks coffee we got and a meal we had when we went out. But no pics. So anyone who is just a casual social media friend probably doesn't know. Our relationship is not a secret however. We're just cautious over our families knowing. Like I said, we come from a cultural backround. When family gets involved, it could get complicated because now. For example, think about having to now meet the parents and all that... Its only been 4 months so thats not necessary as of yet. My concern and annoyance is about her posting a pic of her and her male friend, and saying he's the best person ever. I get that they're close and this isn't some insecure stuff like "metaltrees" says. But when people of the opposite sex are this close, feelings aren't always far behind. I respect their friendship, but I don't want this guy to turn into the shoulder she can cry on type of thing. I firmly believe that when you start dating someone, then out of respect, you need to keep your opposite sex friends at a bit of a distance. 1
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 ...Its only been 4 months thats not necessary as of yet. My concern and annoyance is about her posting a pic of her and her male friend, and saying he's the best person ever. I get that they're close and this isn't some insecure stuff like "metaltrees" says. But when people of the opposite sex are this close, feelings aren't always far behind. I respect their friendship, but I don't want this guy to turn into the shoulder she can cry on type of thing. I firmly believe that when you start dating someone, then out of respect, you need to keep your opposite sex friends at a bit of a distance. So you are still in the getting-to-know you phase. I am under the impression you don't know this friend of hers very much. When we're kept in the dark about a certain friend it's normal to wonder what's their deal. Do you know how long they have been friends? Do you know how they met? Do you know if they ever dated or if he was once interested in her as a GF? You should know the answer to all these questions.
Author 7675 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Posted October 1, 2016 So you are still in the getting-to-know you phase. I am under the impression you don't know this friend of hers very much. When we're kept in the dark about a certain friend it's normal to wonder what's their deal. Do you know how long they have been friends? Do you know how they met? Do you know if they ever dated or if he was once interested in her as a GF? You should know the answer to all these questions. No, we're passed getting-to-know phase. We're more in the fitting each other in our seperate lives phase. We both stay at the same student accomodation, so we've seen each other a lot over the passed months. They've known each other for 10 years or so (this was also mentioned in the comments from the post). They're from the same hometown, went to highschool together. I doubt they ever dated. Im probably her first serious BF. But I saw another pic of the two of them posted a month before we started dating, and the same person also commented about how close they seem.
GravityMan Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 I'm the type of guy who's not only OK with a GF having male friends...I would be a bit concerned if she didn't have any male friends. And I would not date a woman who disapproves of men having female friends. (That said, I would be suspicious if she was secretive or cagey about her male friends.) I like women who have enough maturity and self-control to be able to have good healthy friendships with people of both genders, while maintaining boundaries. A key part of that is being perceptive and having a good people-picker and choosing associates wisely. If a friend crosses a boundary, terminate the friendship or at least distance yourself away. The post below is on the money: There's nothing wrong with having good friends of the opposite gender, but when you are in a relationship, there are BOUNDARIES. That is the issue here. Most guys probable would feel that a woman bragging about a close male friend to her social circle when they don't even know about her boyfriend, is a violating healthy relationship boundaries. Also, a note about orbiters. Any person who's decently perceptive and experienced in social situations should be able to EASILY tell the difference between an orbiter and a genuine opposite-sex friend. It's not that difficult. 2
metaltrees Posted October 1, 2016 Posted October 1, 2016 Boundaries are imperative. If I saw a girl I was seeing holding hands with a male friend, or making flirtatious physical contact with him I'd 100% call her out on it. I still don't see a problem here though. So her friends said they look cute together because they don't know she has a boyfriend. It's not like your girlfriend is saying it. As for orbiters.......they're orbiters for a reason. Anyway, different strokes for different folks. I'm just going on my own personal experience.
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