7675 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 My GF has a really close male friend. They've been friends for a while and hang out with each other now and then. Their friendship doesn't bother me at all. However, yesterday she posted a pic of them hanging out and captioned it with things like "best person ever" "amazing friend". On the comments there was even someone hinting that they should be together already and she laughed it off. So, I don't plan on doing anything about it or making it a big deal, but I do feel annoyed. What I want to know is whether any of you would also feel annoyed in this situation or whether im just paying too much attention to it.
Marc878 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 It depends on whether you're exclusive or not. If you are it's a problem. However, if that's who she is and it can't be worked out I'd move on. Signing up for a third in a relationship isn't going to work. I doubt she'd like it if you had a close female friend in that same situation. 4
Author 7675 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Posted September 30, 2016 She's my GF so yes, we're very exclusive. If it was some new guy she met then we'd have issues, but she's known him for ages. They are close friends after all. But i've never been someone who believes men and women can be best of friends. When you start dating, then out of respect, you should limit contact with friends of the opposite sex. Not entirely, but just enough so that you're partner never has doubts 4
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Imagine those comments were still made but he was a girl or gay. Would you still feel the same? Probably not. Those comments get made when girls are in photos together as well. Its just banter and joking. Leave it and don't worry. Its nothing to be concerned about. 1
salparadise Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 But i've never been someone who believes men and women can be best of friends. When you start dating, then out of respect, you should limit contact with friends of the opposite sex. Not entirely, but just enough so that you're partner never has doubts I believe the same, and I'm pretty darn sure of it. I won't go so far as to say that it isn't possible for men and women to be "just friends," but it's rare for there to be no attraction or feelings on either side. My theory is that it's a backup strategy for both and the qualifications/motivation is the same as for their primary. But here's the thing... it doesn't much matter whether you perceive sexuality to be a possibility––of course it is if they both have functional genitalia. If they're communicating and spending alone time together, then you are the third corner in a triangle. And the primary partner is usually the more tenuous side of that triangle. That other guy is a significant factor in your relationship, and its stability depends on a very delicate balance between the three of you. Personally, I prefer a 1:1 relationship with my girlfriend. And now that I am older and wiser... I wouldn't pretend it's nothing just to keep the other two pacified and get continued access to vag. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 I think this depends on a couple factors: 1) How much do you trust both of them? 2) How much time do they actually spend together? And are you sometimes included? 3) How's your relationship with her been going in general? 2
BluesPower Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 He and I will get crap for this, and I personally don't care. Here is the deal, all the kids these days say that men and woman can be "close friends", it doesn't have to be about sex, they are just friends. I am no kid, and I am here to tell you that is total horse crap. If a man is "close friends" with a girl, he still wants to screw her. Maybe she is trust worthy, but he is not. No man is, ever. In a exclusive relationship, it is never a good idea to have orbiters in and around your relationship. They are never a friend of the relationship and they are not your friend. They hang around waiting for an opportunity to screw your GF. It is just the way it is. What to do about it is harder. 6
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 (edited) I think you are all barking up the wrong tree. The girlfriend is not the problem. So far OP has no reason to doubt her. Her friend is not the problem, I don't hear OP complain he is crossing boundaries. The problem is the people that wrote these comments. Girlfriend cannot control the stupid comments her contacts will make on her pictures. Do her contact know she is in a relationship with you? If the people that made these comments are well aware she is in a relationship with you then they need to be told their suggestions is highly disrespectful and she wishes they refrain next time. That being said my daughter's best friend since she is 13 (and she is 29 now) is a man. For years when they were both single we teased them they should be together. It was just that teasing. Now that her male friend has met someone and has been in a relationship for a couple of years NONE of us would dare tease either of them they should be together!!. So, who are these people that made these tasteless comments? and what is your girlfriend gonna do about it? Edited September 30, 2016 by Gaeta 5
BluesPower Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Gaeta, you always say that. Of course we disagree, OK, but I have seen this too many times for it not to be a thing. Orbiters are there to orbit around SO and, either cause problems or swoop in when there are problems. I guess you think people just make this stuff up. But, I assure you it happens a lot. 2
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Gaeta, you always say that. Of course we disagree, OK, but I have seen this too many times for it not to be a thing. Orbiters are there to orbit around SO and, either cause problems or swoop in when there are problems. I guess you think people just make this stuff up. But, I assure you it happens a lot. It's because you think women are wired like men. Once a woman has put a man in the friendzone, there is nothing much he can do to be taken out of there. I know, I am a woman with male friends. I feel toward them the way I feel for a brother or a cousin. My daughter (from a younger generation) has many male friends and nothing ever happened because she is not attracted toward them that way. If one of my long time male friend made a move on me, he would not be a friend anymore. It would be the most YUK feeling ever and I would not keep around a man that makes move on me while I am in a relationship with someone else. I don't know why you all attack this male friend. He is not the one suggesting the girlfriend and him should be together. None of you thought to ask if he is himself in a relationship. Right away you hammer the guy just for being a guy. 4
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Orbiters are there to orbit around SO and, either cause problems or swoop in when there are problems. If I were listening to you then I'd have to believe all men are pigs waiting for their chance. I have more faith in men than you do. Yes there are what we call orbiters and I understand their agenda and tactic. But there are orbiters and there are just friends. The difference? the orbiter will try his luck as soon as the woman is free. In this case here they have been friends for years so free or not, he remained a friend so that's her friendship he is interested in. 3
Marc878 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 OP get a copy of "Not Just Friends". A high % of affairs start as close friendships. I think the number is @ 60/70%. Close different sex friendships have a high potential to grow into more. It happens all the time. Usually from lack of boundaries. To underestimate the potential conflict would be very naive. 3
coolheadal Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Depends how much she tolerates his behavior towards her. These guy friends can lead either direction. I've been out with a woman who told me she has to have older guy friends for coffee an etc. The etc part always worried me? I could never meet this so called guy friend. She told me he didn't want to see me. So she told me I could do the same. I had tried that get an older woman as a girl friend only. Funny then the girl I was dating got jealous of the fact that I was able to have one has well and encourage me to do so. When the older woman had called me up last year about this time to wish me happy birthday and started to sing on my cell phone my current girl friend at the time gone mad in the head. But in all she could still have her guy friend who got her things like flowers and etc. That's okay she said. No harm in that. But what happens when he wants more than friends that happen also. So she had listened to me and got rid of him completely. I did the same with my older woman friend that too started to get out of hand. In the end she and I are not together and she gone with guy no 14 and got back in touch with her guy friend for coffee also. She told me she now has two guy friends for coffee. Her current new boy friend on the other hand seems to be cheating on her. What a messy life she leads. Today I would never tolerate a girl friend having such a close guy friend. You should take the heed of the warnings from those online who said they make a good couple. Whoever said that might now more about the situation?
smackie9 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Your GF is totally oblivious to what the guy friend is thinking or wanting, but her friends DO know and are trying to tell her through those comments. Now is the time to have that conversation with her to clarify what the guy is trying to do being around her. Just be matter of fact when you explain it to her....leave the angry out of it or she will just blow it off. 2
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Your GF is totally oblivious to what the guy friend is thinking or wanting, but her friends DO know and are trying to tell her through those comments. Now is the time to have that conversation with her to clarify what the guy is trying to do being around her. Just be matter of fact when you explain it to her....leave the angry out of it or she will just blow it off. Oh please! I have been one of those people teasing about 2 friends should be together. It meant nothing!! It was just something to poke them about!
BluesPower Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Gaeta, All men are pigs, or dogs choose whichever works for you.
Miss Peach Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 If you both know about each other and there are appropriate boundaries going on here, my opinion is this was probably just your GF being insensitive; not malicious. It's up to you whether you want to talk to her and give her the benefit of the doubt. If she has a good track record otherwise, I would consider that rather than just tossing her aside. 1
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Gaeta, All men are pigs, or dogs choose whichever works for you. If you wish to brand all men like that so be it but I disagree... Very strongly and on behalf of all my male friends whos penises remain under wraps I can safely say the liklihood of wet panties or stiffies because of each other is about as likely as pig growing wings. Not impossible with todays weird testing going on but very very very improbable... Growing ears on pigs back is more productive than wings.
smackie9 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Oh please! I have been one of those people teasing about 2 friends should be together. It meant nothing!! It was just something to poke them about! That is not always the case Gaeta and I speak from experience...recent experience, so I'm just putting in my two cents is all. I'm just letting the OP find an opening to bring it up without hostility. It's only fair he communicates to her about it the one time at least and maybe discuss boundaries. Like we always say communication is key to sustain a healthy relationship, right? 1
SwordofFlame Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 What kind of history do they have? For example, has he ever put the moves on her and got rejected?
Author 7675 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Posted September 30, 2016 Here's the thing. I don't really know the guy, and as such, he owes me nothing. If he woke up one day and realised he has feelings for her, then there's no bro code to stop him from trying. Plus he's known her much much longer. I really don't have any issues with their friendship. It was just the post that kinda had me annoyed. She's never out right posted a pic of me because she doesn't want her family knowing about her being in a relationship. We come from very cultural backrounds so other people will generally stick their noses into our business. I have also been very selective of when I mention her. I do believe men and women can be friends, just not close friends. Like with her post, she was kinda having a bad week and I wasn't around to be with her. She got annoyed at me because I didn't tell her that I wouldn't be around. I'm sure she was alone and bored so she hung out with him... thats what worries me a little. You don't want your GF to go to another guy when she feels down or sad or whatever. Another girl, no problem, but not a guy
Author 7675 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Posted September 30, 2016 It's because you think women are wired like men. Once a woman has put a man in the friendzone, there is nothing much he can do to be taken out of there. I know, I am a woman with male friends. I feel toward them the way I feel for a brother or a cousin. My daughter (from a younger generation) has many male friends and nothing ever happened because she is not attracted toward them that way. I don't believe. The friendzone can be escaped. It just depends on the individual circumstances. Me and my current GF never did the whole dating thing. We were friends for like a month a 2 after linking up. Enjoyed each others company and always hung out. When I asked her out, she rejected me. I kinda left it, but I think asking her out made her think of me in a different way. Eventually she started dropping major hints that she was very interested and then BOOM, we were in a relationship. So the friendzone can be escaped. It's not the death sentence that people think it is
metaltrees Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 You're overthinking this. Most attractive women have male friends, but they're just that. In my opinion if you relate to her that this annoyed you in any way then she'll think less of you. Be cool and confident and don't let it get to you. If she wanted to see him then she would, but she's not, she's seeing you.
Author 7675 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Posted September 30, 2016 You're overthinking this. Most attractive women have male friends, but they're just that. In my opinion if you relate to her that this annoyed you in any way then she'll think less of you. Be cool and confident and don't let it get to you. If she wanted to see him then she would, but she's not, she's seeing you. I agree. I also have female friends, and they're just that. But I rarely ever hang out with them one on one nor do I make posts about how they're the most amazing person in the world 1
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