FTM042014 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 I'm finally ready to explore dating again a year after a breakup that knocked me square onto my a**. I was fast forwarded by my ex gf and against my better judgement I allowed it. We went from dating to commitment in a few short weeks. She ultimately dumped me out of the blue, unsurprisingly. However, she played a HUGE part in me believing we had something special together. My question is how/when do you know it is safe to take that step? I do not want to make this mistake again. Looking back I thought it was a one-in-a-million shot in the dark and I got lucky to find "the one" so let's do it. I mean who says it can't happen to me right? So I believed her and how over the moon for me she said she was. How do you not move too damn fast?
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Dating to commitment in a few weeks is not unusual or moving too fast. The question is how quickly the "I love you's" were exchanged and how quickly the relationship moved in other aspects, ie. did you spend all your time together right away, did you move in together, or make deeper commitment plans? Those things are too quick a few weeks in. Being exclusive and committed in a few weeks is not a bad or unhealthy thing, quite the contrary. 3
basil67 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 The word 'commitment' is tricky. To me, it means a promise to stay together and work through hurdles together. While I believe in being exclusive and official boyfriend/girlfriend fairly quickly, I believe that commitment is the next step again and is the kind of thing which comes after a good year of being together and getting to know each other. I think it's foolish to make any kinds of promises to a person who you really don't know that well yet. So, start out well. Be a boyfriend. Have fun and don't see others. But don't make any promises or have expectations within a year.
Author FTM042014 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Posted September 30, 2016 Dating to commitment in a few weeks is not unusual or moving too fast. The question is how quickly the "I love you's" were exchanged and how quickly the relationship moved in other aspects, ie. did you spend all your time together right away, did you move in together, or make deeper commitment plans? Those things are too quick a few weeks in. Being exclusive and committed in a few weeks is not a bad or unhealthy thing, quite the contrary. We never said I love you though I almost did. The whole thing lasted two months. We only spent weekends together for the most part. I told her we may be moving too fast after meeting her mom pretty quickly. She disagreed and the rest is history. So I was shocked when she dumped me suddenly. Ultimately I think she used me as a filler between two different relationships. She's engaged to the guy she got with 2 months after dumping me. They've been together a year now.
Author FTM042014 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Posted September 30, 2016 The word 'commitment' is tricky. To me, it means a promise to stay together and work through hurdles together. While I believe in being exclusive and official boyfriend/girlfriend fairly quickly, I believe that commitment is the next step again and is the kind of thing which comes after a good year of being together and getting to know each other. I think it's foolish to make any kinds of promises to a person who you really don't know that well yet. So, start out well. Be a boyfriend. Have fun and don't see others. But don't make any promises or have expectations within a year. My friends and family (and therapist) say it moved way too fast. And I agree but I was going by how she said she felt and what she wanted also. Which changed out of the blue. So when should you feel comfortable trusting and believing what someone says? If a woman says they want you and talk of a future with you, how are they then engaged to a completely different dude a year later? Not the point here though... I think I'm still kind of weary of being lied to and duped again.
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 So this relationship happened for you a year ago then? Look, some people are love bombers because they have an agenda and nothing more, you were poor sucker #1 and poor sucker #2 is the one who gets the "prize" Believe me, you dodged a bullet. < That means nothing to you now if you are in pain and wondering the what ifs, but in time you will recognize it for what it is. Some people's agenda include getting with someone as quickly as possible to get over a past relationship, others it is because they want to get married and start having kids and anyone close enough to a good provider and compatible will do, so the first decent guy that comes along they go for it. You only dated a few months she must have realized her plan wasn't as bullet proof as she thought it would be because she didn't go through with it. The next guy was closer to what she is looking for so she went for it. How old is she? Are all her friends married? Was she getting over an ex? Not to undermine the length of your time together but two months is the amount of time people take to figure out if they are in or not. So that's not unusual either for someone to bail that soon after showing and pushing for so much. Don't know how you ended up meeting her mom, if it was circumstantial or planned but again, maybe for her meeting her family was nothing that special while for other's it means you are serious and plan to keep your significant other around. Sorry, too many questions to gain context on your situation. But on the surface that is the impression I am getting. 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 So when should you feel comfortable trusting and believing what someone says? If a woman says they want you and talk of a future with you, how are they then engaged to a completely different dude a year later? Not the point here though... Talk is cheap, trust is built over time through consistent actions. We say a lot of things when we are jacked up on love/sex hormones and feeling good in a moment. The only way to tell if what the other is saying is true is through unwavering actions. Predictability becomes the foundation of trust. 3
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 after five dates I think it's okay to ask the question" so what are we/ where are we?" I think anything before then is a little bit too much.
basil67 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 My friends and family (and therapist) say it moved way too fast. And I agree but I was going by how she said she felt and what she wanted also. Which changed out of the blue. So when should you feel comfortable trusting and believing what someone says? If a woman says they want you and talk of a future with you, how are they then engaged to a completely different dude a year later? Not the point here though... I think I'm still kind of weary of being lied to and duped again. When shod you feel comfortable trusting what they say? It's when you've been together long enough to know them well. After the rose coloured glasses have come off and you see each other's flaws and still want them. As per my previous post, I think it's about a year in before you really know if there's cause for commitment. And I don't think that she lied to you or duped you. I'm sure she meant it at the time......but as the two of you got to know each other better, she realises that she'd been rash. Take those early declarations with a grain of salt.
LastAcorn99 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 I’m sorry you faced a bad breakup. I would suggest that you get rid of all hang-ups from your previous relationship before you dive in to dating again. All the best! 1
Author FTM042014 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Posted September 30, 2016 So this relationship happened for you a year ago then? Look, some people are love bombers because they have an agenda and nothing more, you were poor sucker #1 and poor sucker #2 is the one who gets the "prize" Believe me, you dodged a bullet. < That means nothing to you now if you are in pain and wondering the what ifs, but in time you will recognize it for what it is. Some people's agenda include getting with someone as quickly as possible to get over a past relationship, others it is because they want to get married and start having kids and anyone close enough to a good provider and compatible will do, so the first decent guy that comes along they go for it. You only dated a few months she must have realized her plan wasn't as bullet proof as she thought it would be because she didn't go through with it. The next guy was closer to what she is looking for so she went for it. How old is she? Are all her friends married? Was she getting over an ex? Not to undermine the length of your time together but two months is the amount of time people take to figure out if they are in or not. So that's not unusual either for someone to bail that soon after showing and pushing for so much. Don't know how you ended up meeting her mom, if it was circumstantial or planned but again, maybe for her meeting her family was nothing that special while for other's it means you are serious and plan to keep your significant other around. Sorry, too many questions to gain context on your situation. But on the surface that is the impression I am getting. All of this. Yes. Spot on. She was 26 when we met. I was 33. Definitely a I need to get married and have kids type. She didn't have any close friends honestly. I do and that would've become an issue. Right before me she was dating a guy but she downplayed it and never made it seem anything serious UNTIL she told me she wasn't over it after she dumped me. Never went back to him. Ended up with a guy from her past and that's who she's engaged to now.
Author FTM042014 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Posted September 30, 2016 The breakup triggered other stuff for me and sent me into a tailspin. I have and still am working on that. I've reconciled all of the possibilities that she wasn't for me, has issues, etc. I think I'm just finding it difficult to believe what's said to me at this point. Too many women (and men I'm sure) seem to love you and drop you so quickly.
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 I have a lot of dating experience and I came to this personal conclusion: 4-5-6 dates is enough to establish exclusivity. Under 3 months dating nothing is guaranteed. It can all fall apart over night. This is the phase where you evaluate each other and decide if this is a person you want to get to know long term. After 3 months you are on more solid ground but there is still nothing guaranteed. You get to know each other but on another level. You start introducing family and friends and are getting to discover other sides of them. It's also when you start calling each other BF and GF. There is still room for you to discover something that is a deal breaker and decide to terminate the relationship. I'd say when dating, don't take anything for granted before 6 months. At the 6 month mark you are still discovering each other but at least you have a little bit of foundation and should be able to work through your differences if they are not major gaps in your value system. 2
coolheadal Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Sure dating today, anything can happen? I've been out with a lot of these women. Should we men have backup woman just in chase one goes sour. If these women can do why can't we have them. Case in point I was with one woman who told me we were going to fast and she just wanted to be friends only I said friends only are you serious! So what I did started looking for another girl to be with sure found one fast. The issue with the new one was that she like to have guy friends but they were more than that. I soon had learn the truth. Meanwhile the other girl I was still seeing got jealous told me she wanted more in a type of relationship. So sometimes these can go either way again so a relationship can change direction and more to a closer one. The word I LOVE YOU sure that might never come up if the other woman can't even love herself sure you would never know it until it's too late she doesn't love you at all. The rules are not the same. Winner takes all, the sky the limits. I see a lot things and not happy with the out come. If you can find a woman that really digs you or really into you enough to say "I LOVE YOU" can even say they're "SORRY" then hold on to her. She's a dime a dozen I say and a keeper as well!
smackie9 Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Doesn't matter what you do or what they tell you.....in the moment it seemed right. Sometimes things run their course within a couple of months or even a couple of weeks. That's why we date, to get to know them and see how they fit into our lives, and of course chemistry. The desire can shut off in a moments notice with out warning. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong or they had an outside influence, etc. It just happens. So don't worry because everyone is going to respond to you differently. This has been everyone's journey to finding the one. It's never going to be a slam dunk. 1
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