How to deal with the controlling mother of my husband's daughter.

[Scarletwolf]

So long story short, my stepdaughter decided to come and live with us because she can't deal with her own mother. We recently found out the guy she was dating abused her, emotionally and physically and the last time it was so bad she had bruises al over and the school counselor got involved. She came here. I got phone calls and texts from her mom asking me where she is and I honestly have no idea, I mean, my stepdaughter tells my husband but not me... I know for a fact she's still in this toxic relationship and I've told my husband about it, he's talked to her but she seems to be blinded and determined to "make it work". My husband works second shift so there's very little he can do, he's home while she's at school, she's 17. She came to live with us as a last resort, after she ran away to stay with a friend and both her parents told her they we're not gonna take care of her medical insurance or any of her expenses if she did not come to live with one of them. I honestly don't know what to do. Most of the time she ignores me, she says I'm home and then she goes and locks up in her bedroom. I have no way yo know what she does, or where she goes after school, but the constant phone calls and texts from her mother are honestly driving me nuts. A few minutes ago I sent a text asking her not to harass me. I told her I dunno where her daughter is and that it's her job as a mother to take care of that. That her daughter doesn't even talk to me so she should not expect me to know. Dunno if I did the right thing. I just didn't know what else to do.

[anika99]

Your rudeness to your stepdaughters mother was uncalled for. The poor woman is probably worried sick over her daughter and is desperate to know anything she can about her. Based on how you describe your stepdaughter she probably isn't communicating with her mom either. It's pretty difficult for a mom to keep tabs on a 17yr old who is being secretive and who doesn't even live with the mom. What you said was so nasty and uncalled for. Why couldn't you just politely explain to the mom that the daughter doesn't talk to you or tell you what she is doing, then nicely ask her to direct her questions to the girl's father?

 

Why is this in the abuse forum? Do you think you are being abused because a worried mom is turning to you for help? I don't see any abuse although I think your text to the mom was bordering on being abusive.

[dreamingoftigers]

Your rudeness to your stepdaughters mother was uncalled for. The poor woman is probably worried sick over her daughter and is desperate to know anything she can about her. Based on how you describe your stepdaughter she probably isn't communicating with her mom either. It's pretty difficult for a mom to keep tabs on a 17yr old who is being secretive and who doesn't even live with the mom. What you said was so nasty and uncalled for. Why couldn't you just politely explain to the mom that the daughter doesn't talk to you or tell you what she is doing, then nicely ask her to direct her questions to the girl's father?

 

Why is this in the abuse forum? Do you think you are being abused because a worried mom is turning to you for help? I don't see any abuse although I think your text to the mom was bordering on being abusive.

 

Bingo.

 

You have the woman's DAUGHTER who is in a physically abusive relationship as a teen living with you and you are really bothered over the mother constantly wanting to know where she is??????

 

You've got the wrong thing bothering you!.

 

You're a stepmother now. Why aren't you trying to reach your stepdaughter yourself and figure it out!?

 

I can't believe you'd refer to her mother trying to find if her daughter is still okay as "harassment."

[GemmaUK]

You're the adult here so more of the onus is upon you.

 

What steps have you taken so far to make a friend of your step daughter?

 

EG: finding out things she likes to do - stuff that perhaps you could enable doing (financially maybe) and doing together as friends.

 

If you don't 'make friends' with her then she won't trust you and all she has to really trust right now is her abusive bf because believe it or not he has her back - just not when he chooses to flip out at her. She doesn't trust her mum and can't talk to her dad - men are not so great usually at this type of thing - but to be fair it's because they get too upset and want to fix things. Making her you friend could give her a shoulder to lean on and one that is much kinder than the bf she turns to.

 

She is only 17, she needs some real support desperately!!!

 

I've done the same with my niece, she is 19. (I'm 47) She uses me as a relationship advice person and also to navigate her parents, college, work, flatmates you name it.

It's just between us and will always be.

But we also had some amazing days out this year which she would have turned down had she googled. I 'made' her go. We had the best time!!!!

Now, she trusts me and confides in me. I am so bloody proud of her!

She lives a long long way away from me and felt obligated to visit me and other relatives but she wanted to see London on her own.

She 'knows' me now as an adult - even though we behaved like 6 year olds.

She knows she can tell me anything and I will not freak.

 

Try with your step daughter. You could change one heck of a lot for her situation, you really could.

[benpom]

So long story short, my stepdaughter decided to come and live with us because she can't deal with her own mother. We recently found out the guy she was dating abused her, emotionally and physically and the last time it was so bad she had bruises al over and the school counselor got involved. She came here. I got phone calls and texts from her mom asking me where she is and I honestly have no idea, I mean, my stepdaughter tells my husband but not me... I know for a fact she's still in this toxic relationship and I've told my husband about it, he's talked to her but she seems to be blinded and determined to "make it work". My husband works second shift so there's very little he can do, he's home while she's at school, she's 17. She came to live with us as a last resort, after she ran away to stay with a friend and both her parents told her they we're not gonna take care of her medical insurance or any of her expenses if she did not come to live with one of them. I honestly don't know what to do. Most of the time she ignores me, she says I'm home and then she goes and locks up in her bedroom. I have no way yo know what she does, or where she goes after school, but the constant phone calls and texts from her mother are honestly driving me nuts. A few minutes ago I sent a text asking her not to harass me. I told her I dunno where her daughter is and that it's her job as a mother to take care of that. That her daughter doesn't even talk to me so she should not expect me to know. Dunno if I did the right thing. I just didn't know what else to do.

 

It's a good thing you come here for help.

What's done is done. You can still apologize to the mother and try to be a help.

I heard teenagers can go a wide spectrum; some are very hard to deal with. Just because she ran away from her mother, does not mean her mother is not a good mother.