Baumer Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 (edited) Hi, My girlfriend and I have been together for just over a year. It's been mostly long distance (flight type) - we were able to spend all summer together but otherwise weeks and weekends here and there. Never more than four or five weeks apart. During some of those long lulls she would feel a little unsure - her aim was to continue with the relationship but she really wanted to be in the same place to let the relationship grow. Over the summer she found a job about an hour away from where I live - it was a dream job for her too, but it meant moving to another country away from a city she had grown some roots in over the last few years. Of course we were both excited about the opportunity it would bring and she asked me not to come visit in the about six week period between the move since we'd have so much time down the line. In the last few weeks our communication continued but became less frequent and intimate. I more or less chalked it up to her being busy with the move. The other day I brought it up and she admit that the move was weighing heavily on her and she had been thinking how she feels about us and felt bad for not mentioning before. She asked me to wait before seeing her when she arrives. I made it clear I didn't think this would be in our interests since the longer we go the more distorted things seem to get. No budge, she wants space for now. Said she wants to see me and we're not breaking up but she wants to focus on the move and the job. I understand her to some degree but I just can't reconcile her saying "I'm moving for you" with the idea that whenever we do get together, and what will be said, is so uncertain. Any insights? Edited September 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 I think she has met someone else where she lives now. 5
Satu Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 From the optimistic side, she's thinking about wether she wants to continue with the relationship. From the pessimistic side, she doesn't want to continue, but she's not sure what do about it. Neither of those two possibilities are necessarily true, and her motive might be something else entirely. Take care.
kendahke Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Get busy with something in your life so you're not spending so much down time trying to figure out what she's meaning by wanting all this space when she said she wanted to get closer to you. I know if I was moving to be near the guy I claimed I loved, I would be asking for him to be around, not telling him to stay put til I tell him he can come by. Just throwing that out there. She may not be one of those chicks who can multitask, so for now, give her all the space she needs and then more. Get busy in your life so that you're not dwelling on her. Eventually, she will start to wonder where you are and want you around. But don't be surprised if what she's doing is trying to manage someone else's feelings and yours. 3
Author Baumer Posted September 29, 2016 Author Posted September 29, 2016 I think she has met someone else where she lives now. To start another long distance relationship right before she leaves? I was there six weeks ago, we were together every day all summer. I mean it's possible but I really hope not
kidm Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 To start another long distance relationship right before she leaves? I was there six weeks ago, we were together every day all summer. I mean it's possible but I really hope not That's assuming she is still leaving. Seems to me she is starting to like where she is at more...why? When is she supposed to leave? Never heard of someone asking for space from someone they are moving to be with... 1
Author Baumer Posted September 29, 2016 Author Posted September 29, 2016 The move is finalized. Next week. I haven't heard anything like it either. Hence my confusion and shock when she asked. She wanted me to just be like OK. And be fine waiting apparently.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 To start another long distance relationship right before she leaves? I was there six weeks ago, we were together every day all summer. I mean it's possible but I really hope not It's possible. Or, perhaps someone from her past has resurfaced and it's thrown her. Maybe she has recently done something she knows she shouldn't have, and doesn't want you to find out. It is very strange that she won't let you visit for 6 weeks before moving, and doesn't want to see you again until a few weeks after she moves. If my boyfriend were long-distance and I was about to move a lot closer to him, I would be thrilled if he wanted to come visit and help me get everything ready. She isn't thrilled. And her excuse doesn't make much sense. And now she's saying she wants space. That's why I am assuming there is something more she isn't telling you. And I would not be surprised to hear it's not a something, but a someone.
Author Baumer Posted September 29, 2016 Author Posted September 29, 2016 It's possible. Or, perhaps someone from her past has resurfaced and it's thrown her. Maybe she has recently done something she knows she shouldn't have, and doesn't want you to find out. It is very strange that she won't let you visit for 6 weeks before moving, and doesn't want to see you again until a few weeks after she moves. If my boyfriend were long-distance and I was about to move a lot closer to him, I would be thrilled if he wanted to come visit and help me get everything ready. She isn't thrilled. And her excuse doesn't make much sense. And now she's saying she wants space. That's why I am assuming there is something more she isn't telling you. And I would not be surprised to hear it's not a something, but a someone. I was supposed to visit the first weekend but now she's asking me to wait until she's ready. And I have no idea when that will be. I'm worried she'll say oh well I have to get more settled at work and find a permanent apartment and any other excuse that can come up until we're so estranged there is no going back.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 I was supposed to visit the first weekend but now she's asking me to wait until she's ready. And I have no idea when that will be. I'm worried she'll say oh well I have to get more settled at work and find a permanent apartment and any other excuse that can come up until we're so estranged there is no going back. This isn't going to end well. If the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't you be excited to see your girlfriend when you arrived in the city? Would you not want her to come and help you get settled in to your new place? There is a reason she's trying to avoid you. You just haven't discovered exactly what that is yet.
Author Baumer Posted September 29, 2016 Author Posted September 29, 2016 I'm not saying you're wrong at all but why not just say I'm sorry but we're over? Our last phone call before this radio silence commenced broke up for a second because of the connection so "I said you're breaking up" twice and she become agitated and said "I'm not breaking up with you". She has never played any games before and I'd say has been the most mature partner I've had. We're 29.
mortensorchid Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 I don't like the sound of this. LDRs are ultimately bad things. I've been in two of them, one I did the wrong way in my early twenties and another the right way in my early thirties. I've also known women who moved because of a man, both of them used those men to move to a new state and get settled there then bad things went down. But I digress, it doesn't sound like she's doing that to you. I think she's getting a sense of cold feet because she is moving to begin with. Maybe she's not sure about how she feels about being with you now that you are going to be so much closer. Play it cool for a bit and see what happens in a few weeks ...
ExpatInItaly Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 I'm not saying you're wrong at all but why not just say I'm sorry but we're over? Our last phone call before this radio silence commenced broke up for a second because of the connection so "I said you're breaking up" twice and she become agitated and said "I'm not breaking up with you". She has never played any games before and I'd say has been the most mature partner I've had. We're 29. The same reason many don't just come out and break it off: fear that they're doing the right thing, uncertainty about their own feelings, trying to protect your feelings. She clearly is undecided, but then it and of itself is a problem. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. 2
joseb Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 The most likely scenario is that she met someone where she lives and wants to spend time with him before moving. He may even be helping her move, visiting her when she gets there. The other possibility is that she is just getting cold feet about being in a non long distance relationship with you. I would give her space and move on. If she comes back, you can decide then if you want to see her. 2
kendahke Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 The move is finalized. Next week. I haven't heard anything like it either. Hence my confusion and shock when she asked. She wanted me to just be like OK. And be fine waiting apparently. What she is saying/doing sounds extremely shady--like I said, I think she's managing you so as to not upset her little apple cart. The impact on you isn't really on her radar. I'd tell her that it's not OK and that I'm not fine with it and that I wasn't going to wait. If she wants space, she can have all the space she needs and I'd stop dealing with her. But I appreciate that you love her and you want what you want out of her--that's why you're here. 1
kgcolonel Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Any chance she either found someone in her current residence who may be helping her move and planning to stay a few days in the new residence or has she had an opportunity to meet someone at her new place of employment during the interview process?
Buddhist Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 I would have it out with her honestly. When you're gut tells you something is up it is usually right. Leaving it and sitting in denial doesn't help in these situations. If she's got something to say, she may as well say it now than in 6-8 weeks time after you've patiently waited and done all that she has asked. I'd call her out and say what she's telling you just doesn't make sense, time for an honest discussion of what's on her mind. If she avoids the topic or gets defensive then you'll have your confirmation that this isn't going to last. If she's gotten as far as stalling then basically she's already made up her mind its now just a matter of timing before she takes action.
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