Setting expectations from the start?

[selinaluv]

Gotcha!

So - seems all really good.

Just to be on your own safe side google 'love bombing'.

It happens. It happened to me one time. He ended up being an abuser.

I'm not saying you should be completely negative but you would be well advised to gen up and be aware.

 

Thank you for the advice. This thread and "talking" it out has been really helpful.

 

Believe me, I am aware of love bombing. That was my ex husband. I was young and stupid and he was all over me. I took it as he loves me so and I believe he did, but in hindsight I realize that is not normal.

 

In the end me emotionally abused me and had an affair, leaving me and his two year old daughter on a whim.

 

I take this to heart and look for these red flags. I have fallen into that trap again on occasion because I thought that is how a man shows love. Through therapy, I have learned that was not true.

 

That does not feel like the case here. I stress calling because most men refuse to use the phone. Ever... So it is refreshing to find one that does. He says he doesn't want a text relationship. But during the day he is at work and he is head's down. He is not excessive yet.

 

I also have noticed the ones who are love bombing all day long are the ones who burn out quick and just want sex. They often make me feel uncomfortable. No feeling of that yet here.

Edited September 30, 2016 by selinaluv

[GemmaUK]

Thank you for the advice. This thread and "talking" it out has been really helpful.

 

Believe me, I am aware of love bombing. That was my ex husband. I was young and stupid and he was all over me. I took it as he loves me so and I believe he did, but in hindsight I realize that is not normal.

 

In the end me emotionally abused me and had an affair, leaving me and his two year old daughter on a whim.

 

I take this to heart and look for these red flags. I have fallen into that trap again on occasion because I thought that is how a man shows love. Through therapy, I have learned that was not true.

 

That does not feel like the case here. I stress calling because most men refuse to use the phone. Ever... So it is refreshing to find one that does. He says he doesn't want a text relationship. But during the day he is at work and he is head's down. He is not excessive yet.

 

I also have noticed the ones who are love bombing all day long are the ones who burn out quick and just want sex. They often make me feel uncomfortable. No feeling of that yet here.

 

Not excessive is good, being head down at work is good - it's important to him - he values work. I like that in a man - a lot!

 

It's bloody hard to be totally right on several first impressions especially when you have had abusive relationships previously.

 

Post again if you feel uneasy but sounds OK - see what the real deal is when you meet and don't hold al the mails in your head - when you meet this is a new person. Gauge him on being a new person.

See how he interacts with you, wait staff, anyone else - it is all relevant.

 

You know all of this - so my post is just a reminder.

Remembering it all is also more than half of the task!!! Gaaah! Lol!

[Gaeta]

SelinaLuv: When you registered online your feeling was to just look for companionship and nothing serious and you expressed that and he replied he was looking for the same thing.

 

That was your feeling at the time. Respect that.

 

Then you exchanged probably on daily basis with him and you caught yourself dreaming 'what if he could be more'. And now you wonder if you need to rectify this with him. You feel he was honest with you and you want to return the same honesty.

 

Here is the trick. You have not met him.

 

All this beautiful 'what if he could be more' is a fabrication of your brain for now and until you meet and spend considerable time with him.

 

You are not new to dating and to online. You know often people aren't in real life as they appear online or on social media. You are feeling a vibe from him at this time and that vibe may be completely absent when you meet.

 

So before saying you're changing your mind and think you want more than companionship and fun, please meet him. Go on 1-2-3-4 dates. Observe.

 

All this new fluffiness you are feeling inside is not real it's virtual. And the day you meet him you may thank your lucky star you didn't mention wanting more from him.

[selinaluv]

Not excessive is good, being head down at work is good - it's important to him - he values work. I like that in a man - a lot!

 

It's bloody hard to be totally right on several first impressions especially when you have had abusive relationships previously.

 

Post again if you feel uneasy but sounds OK - see what the real deal is when you meet and don't hold al the mails in your head - when you meet this is a new person. Gauge him on being a new person.

See how he interacts with you, wait staff, anyone else - it is all relevant.

 

You know all of this - so my post is just a reminder.

Remembering it all is also more than half of the task!!! Gaaah! Lol!

 

Yes, he is a good worker. It shows and he is working hard. He is at a new job and I want to respect that. He is setting pretty good boundaries with that.

 

I think because of my past experience I am doing the work not to get too into him, but it is hard. Not reading the signs as anything but what they are.

 

I will definitely reach out if things go off again in my mind. So far I feel good about myself and the situation, but I know things can change quickly.

 

And I have definitely vetoed people after meeting them and seeing how they act in real life. The funny things is they do show these signs when you talk to them, but it is usually hindsight when you really see them.

[selinaluv]

SelinaLuv: When you registered online your feeling was to just look for companionship and nothing serious and you expressed that and he replied he was looking for the same thing.

 

That was your feeling at the time. Respect that.

 

Then you exchanged probably on daily basis with him and you caught yourself dreaming 'what if he could be more'. And now you wonder if you need to rectify this with him. You feel he was honest with you and you want to return the same honesty.

 

Here is the trick. You have not met him.

 

All this beautiful 'what if he could be more' is a fabrication of your brain for now and until you meet and spend considerable time with him.

 

You are not new to dating and to online. You know often people aren't in real life as they appear online or on social media. You are feeling a vibe from him at this time and that vibe may be completely absent when you meet.

 

So before saying you're changing your mind and think you want more than companionship and fun, please meet him. Go on 1-2-3-4 dates. Observe.

 

All this new fluffiness you are feeling inside is not real it's virtual. And the day you meet him you may thank your lucky star you didn't mention wanting more from him.

 

It's funny cause I logged into Tinder after a break and see that we matched that day. I was showing my hairdresser the Tinder app and I can't even remember swiping right on him.

 

I was on a self-imposed break and was planning to stay that way. But knowing we had spoken before, and this was a chance I wanted, I messaged him and he responded asap.

 

But I know this is all the before and that means nothing. I hope he understands that too. I am prepared to observe him for who he is when we meet. It is a bit of time off (another week) and I know we will be speaking a bit before, so I know I need to keep this in mind.

 

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. This is all very grounding and helpful.

[William]

As this thread had strayed into a general discussion on dating between a few select members, I have cleaned it up (39 posts worth) and will remind everyone that the focus of this thread is Selinaluvs unique situation and not the general topic of declaring intent in online dating. ~T

[Grey40]

I commend you OP. You did what most women are afraid to do, and that's state that you are looking for commitment. That's ultimately the women's job in the encounter. A lot of women are afraid they will lose the guy, so they kee their emotions and intentions secret and the whole "friends with benefits" "casual sex" continues for weeks and weeks on end and never progresses. Very rarely will guys ever initiate committig to something serious, even if they really want to. So I think laying it out on the table does two things

 

A) keeps you from wasting time, and lets him know what you really want

b) weeds out the players and guys who just want to hook up, they won't bother

[selinaluv]

I commend you OP. You did what most women are afraid to do, and that's state that you are looking for commitment. That's ultimately the women's job in the encounter. A lot of women are afraid they will lose the guy, so they kee their emotions and intentions secret and the whole "friends with benefits" "casual sex" continues for weeks and weeks on end and never progresses. Very rarely will guys ever initiate committig to something serious, even if they really want to. So I think laying it out on the table does two things

 

A) keeps you from wasting time, and lets him know what you really want

b) weeds out the players and guys who just want to hook up, they won't bother

 

Thank you for the kind words. Ultimately I did just want to put it out there. What he chooses to do with that information is up to him, but at least he knows.

 

And it has taken me a long time to accept and state what I want. I have definitely been one to keep my emotions and intentions a secret.

 

And I'm glad this thread is back open. It was never my intention to insight any escalations and hope this was a thought provoking debate. It was for me.