Setting expectations from the start?

[selinaluv]

These are all excellent points, thank you everyone for your input.

 

Some of this stems from previous experience and a recent guy I dated (who is a friend) saying that I came off a little too upfront that I wanted just a hook up.

 

Maybe that time I did, but I am trying to be very thoughtful here and when we flirted via text, I just wanted to level-set that it isn't my end game here.

 

From what I can read so far from him (again not in person) is that he wants someone who is open and honest.

 

But I am aware he is a man and can see that sex is definitely on his table. It is on mine too and I have been receptive to his tactful flirting, but just want to make it clear that is not what I am about.

 

This really comes from a place of me stating to him where I stand so he knows that I like him more then that and not so much wondering what he wants. All this is very different for me right now, cause usually it is the other way around.

[tinkerbell16]

It is good to know though that from the small consensus so far that I did not make a huge faux pas. I really want to play my cards right here.

 

Best way to be sure he isn't a player don't sleep with him for a while. Watch how he encourages other areas of the relationship develop...

Its the ONLY way to know he isn't a player...

Words are cheap and players can and will say anything they think you want to hear to get you into bed.

It's why they call them "players" and not "frank, honest or forthright men" lol

[Sunkissedpatio]

You would do nothing wrong with putting out there your desires, even this early on. Saying you aren't looking for hook-ups is perfectly fine. But words alone are cheap.

 

Men can sometimes see this as a challenge and they will do and say what it takes to win you over and still just want a hook-up only.

 

Put the words out there but also follow with actions. Saying it alone isn't enough, you have to also act with precaution and don't get taken down a road you don't want to go down and only act when it feels right not under pressure. That's the key. Pace your dating and if he is still around and enjoying himself patiently chances are he really wants to get to know you.

 

Like others said there are no guarantees.

 

Guys that are just looking for sexual reassurance because they are too insecure and closed off to commit will bail sooner than later. You don't want losers that are users anyway. So, byyyyeee to those. Plenty of women looking for the same thing they can be with instead.

[Gaeta]

I don't think OP meant what we want with this particular person. I think she meant when do you advertise what you are looking for in general. She has not met this man yet so for sure she is not going to ask him what he is looking for with her, more like what is he looking for on Tinder.

Edited September 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[selinaluv]

I don't think OP meant what we want with this particular person. I think she meant when do you advertise what you are looking for in general. She has not met this man yet so for sure she is not going to ask him what he is looking for with her, more like what is he looking for on Tinder.

 

Everyone has very good points, but this is about right. I was really putting it out there about what I am looking for, not so much what I want from him personally.

 

Yes, I would like it to be him, but I also think it is fair that I put my intentions out there.

 

Not saying that I definitely would like to give him a chance regardless, because it is true that feelings can change once we do meet. We really don't know. But thinking more about it, I think it is good that he knows where I am out.

 

Good thing is he said hello right after he got off of work. So I didn't completely scare him off. Moving forward, it will be fun and light for a while.

Edited September 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[katiegrl]

Everyone has very good points, but this is about right. I was really putting it out there about what I am looking for, not so much what I want from him personally.

 

Yes, I would like it to be him, but I also think it is fair that I put my intentions out there.

 

Not saying that I definitely would like to give him a chance regardless, because it is true that feelings can change once we do meet. We really don't know. But thinking more about it, I think it is good that he knows where I am out.

 

 

selina, don't worry, I think you're fine.

 

But seriously, try and relax and wait until you meet. You appear to be putting the cart before the horse here.

 

Lower your expectations, meet and see what, if anything, develops.

 

You could meet and discover that after all this... there is nothing there.

 

No chemistry, no click, which is actually quite common.

 

IMO you are over-thinking and it's not necessary. You have not even met yet.

 

Okay? Try to not think about it. Live your life, meet and chat with other guys... and meet this man next week.

 

On your date, be light, fun and flirty (assuming there is a mutual attraction).

 

Again best of luck and keep us posted!

Edited September 30, 2016 by katiegrl

[selinaluv]

selina, don't worry, I think you're fine.

 

But seriously, try and relax and wait until you meet. You appear to be putting the cart before the horse here.

 

Lower your expectations, meet and see what, if anything, develops.

 

You could meet and discover that after all this... there is nothing there.

 

No chemistry, no click, which is actually quite common.

 

IMO you are over-thinking and it's not necessary. You have not even met yet.

 

Okay? Try to not think about it. Live your life, meet and chat with other guys... and meet this man next week.

 

On your date, be light, fun and flirty (assuming there is a mutual attraction).

 

Again best of luck and keep us posted!

 

Thank you! I will and you are very right. I do have a real tendency to overthink things and I am working on it.

 

I am talking to some here and there, but he stands out so much. It is hard not to get a little excited, but I will try to remain low key.

[katiegrl]

I am talking to some here and there, but he stands out so much. It is hard not to get a little excited, but I will try to remain low key.

 

Girl I can definitely relate to that!

 

I completely understand the lure of these on-line interactions... they can often be very intense... I have experienced it myself!

 

But yeah it's best to try and remain low key. One hour is not that far, so hopefully you will be meeting soon?

 

Try to not put it off any longer than that... otherwise you can really caught up which makes it harder to disconnect if, by chance, it doesn't work out.

[selinaluv]

Girl I can definitely relate to that!

 

I completely understand the lure of these on-line interactions... they can often be very intense... I have experienced it myself!

 

But yeah it's best to try and remain low key. One hour is not that far, so hopefully you will be meeting soon?

 

Try to not put it off any longer than that... otherwise you can really caught up which makes it harder to disconnect if, by chance, it doesn't work out.

 

No it isn't that far. Some have said it is, but he has not. I was clear about that at first and so was he. We live in a large metro area, so sometimes you will travel for people.

 

For the most part I have been low key so that is good. I hope we do meet soon and try within the next week.

 

So strange cause he texted me hello about an hour ago. I texted back and then back again asking him about work. Nothing since. Again overthinking, cause I know it could be a million things. But I just hate this waiting game!

[katiegrl]

No it isn't that far. Some have said it is, but he has not. I was clear about that at first and so was he. We live in a large metro area, so sometimes you will travel for people.

 

For the most part I have been low key so that is good. I hope we do meet soon and try within the next week.

 

So strange cause he texted me hello about an hour ago. I texted back and then back again asking him about work. Nothing since. Again overthinking, cause I know it could be a million things. But I just hate this waiting game!

 

Hmmm, sounds like he's checking in to make sure you're still around, and interested. TBH, that would bug me too. Just dropping off like that after you asked him a specific question.

 

Yeah it could be a million things, in which case he should respond telling you that and that he's not able to chat. Not just leave you hanging. Kinda rude IMO.

 

He may also be texting/interacting with other women on line as well, so just be careful!

 

Again try to lower expectations.

 

Has he talked about when to meet? Set a date?

 

Again one hour is not far at all, I used to commute one hour each way to/from work every single day for two years!

 

Many people do.

 

So if he seems to be stalling, that is red flag IMO.

 

Stay positive selina but also be aware. Remember, you haven't met; you don't even know him.

[selinaluv]

Hmmm, sounds like he's checking in to make sure you're still around, and interested. TBH, that would bug me too. Just dropping off like that after you asked him a specific question.

 

Yeah it could be a million things, in which case he should respond telling you that and that he's not able to chat. Not just leave you hanging. Kinda rude IMO.

 

He may also be texting/interacting with other women on line as well, so just be careful!

 

Again try to lower expectations.

 

Has he talked about when to meet? Set a date?

 

Again one hour is not far at all, I used to commute one hour each way to/from work every single day for two years!

 

Many people do.

 

So if he seems to be stalling, that is red flag IMO.

 

Stay positive selina but also be aware. Remember, you haven't met; you don't even know him.

 

He is talking now, he was making dinner for his daughter. I will lighten up on it.

 

He has been talking about meeting up and setting a date, but I think he is trying to find childcare and so am I.

 

He is legit because I actually know of him through our mutual friend. Despite matching on Tinder, I have had my eye on him for a while, lol he doesn't know it. Everything he has been saying does line up with what I do know.

 

But I will be careful. I am tired of getting hurt.

 

It is good to know though that what I did say didn't exactly scare him off. Whatever his intent.

[katiegrl]

He is talking now, he was making dinner for his daughter. I will lighten up on it.

 

He has been talking about meeting up and setting a date, but I think he is trying to find childcare and so am I.

 

He is legit because I actually know of him through our mutual friend. Despite matching on Tinder, I have had my eye on him for a while, lol he doesn't know it. Everything he has been saying does line up with what I do know.

 

But I will be careful. I am tired of getting hurt.

 

It is good to know though that what I did say didn't exactly scare him off. Whatever his intent.

 

selina, again I think you're fine, I wouldn't even concern yourself with that anymore. No biggee.

 

He seemed to appreciate your forthrightness about it anyway, so it's all good.

 

Gotta sign off, but best of luck and again keep us posted!

 

Fingers crossed this works out for you!

[selinaluv]

selina, again I think you're fine, I wouldn't even concern yourself with that anymore. No biggee.

 

He seemed to appreciate your forthrightness about it anyway, so it's all good.

 

Gotta sign off, but best of luck and again keep us posted!

 

Fingers crossed this works out for you!

 

Thank you again for your insight! Fingers crossed definitely

[Arieswoman]

Do you think there is a problem telling a man you are speaking with, but haven’t met yet, that you are looking for more than a hook up?

 

No problem at all IMO !

[Sunnymae]

Seems a bit premature. You might not have chemistry with him, but then again you might. So I guess it's all good.

[selinaluv]

Seems a bit premature. You might not have chemistry with him, but then again you might. So I guess it's all good.

 

Turns out it was all okay. Talked last night and he asked me out for next Saturday this morning. So it didn't bother him. He is being flirty, so he is still not holding back on that. But I will remember to dial it down a bit and looking forward to seeing what happens when we meet.

[Miss Peach]

A man (or woman) could end up wanting something entirely different from what he thought he wanted prior to meeting her (generally speaking).

 

Whether that was something casual or long term.... that can all change once he meets a particular woman, spends some time with her.

 

If he only wanted casual, after spending time he may discover she totally knocks his socks off... and as such he wants a RL with her.

 

Or, if he is looking for a RL, discovers she is not right for long term... and decides he only wants casual with her.

 

This has been my experience with men too. They may want long term but they will also take what they can in the moment. So if a person isn't a LTR candidate, they will still see if they can get some sex to hold off until they find the LTR person.

 

I don't think this is strictly a male thing. I've seen this with both genders. Many women will take or reduce a guy to a ONS or FWB while they look for the BF material guy.

[GemmaUK]

I didn't read the thread - just the OP - so forgive me if it's already been mentioned..

 

You haven't yet met so any 'potential' isn't even there yet. You might not even be attracted in person - pheromones play for a lot too.

 

Up front is good but I think you have gone a bit too quick with it saying that kind of thing before even meeting.

Your cards appear to already be laid down - he can do what he wants with that - either be honest and be the same as you or play it for what he can get because he now knows how to be to get sex if that is all he wants.

It all depends if he happens to be a great guy or a jerk and you won't know the truth for a while if you agree to date him after your meet.

[Gaeta]

OP correct me if I am wrong but

 

* This is not about what this man wants with YOU. I don't know why people always go back to it. She wants to know why he is online! If he lies it's another story but she is right to ask even before meeting IF his profile says nothing.

 

* This is not about what if men lie to her about their goals. That is another topic.

 

* This is about specifying why you are online in GENERAL

 

Online each profile has a category in which you put yourself and is visible to others.

 

* Looking for long term

* Dating with nothing serious in mind

* Looking for fun only

* and some other category

 

If she is on OKCupid or POF or any other online dating she does not need to ask. She looks at the guy's profile and see what category he put himself in and she decides for herself if it's good enough and what ever happens happens.

 

On Tinder they don't have these category! That is why she wants to know why he is on there!! As simple as that. She does not want to know what he wants with HER.

[selinaluv]

OP correct me if I am wrong but

 

* This is not about what this man wants with YOU. I don't know why people always go back to it. She wants to know why he is online! If he lies it's another story but she is right to ask even before meeting IF his profile says nothing.

 

* This is not about what if men lie to her about their goals. That is another topic.

 

* This is about specifying why you are online in GENERAL

 

Online each profile has a category in which you put yourself and is visible to others.

 

* Looking for long term

* Dating with nothing serious in mind

* Looking for fun only

* and some other category

 

If she is on OKCupid or POF or any other online dating she does not need to ask. She looks at the guy's profile and see what category he put himself in and she decides for herself if it's good enough and what ever happens happens.

 

On Tinder they don't have these category! That is why she wants to know why he is on there!! As simple as that. She does not want to know what he wants with HER.

 

This is true. He was the one who actually came out first when we started talking and asked me what I was looking for. Many guys do. Some are straightforward and say they want sex. Some are vague, some lie, and some don't know what they want.

 

When he initially asked me, I said someone to hang out and have fun with. Nothing complicated and good company. I said I want consistency and no games. Because my time is limited as a full time single mom, I am also not available at all times. He is in the same boat and I think liked this. He agreed and said that is what he wants.

 

In reality he actually asked me first. It was almost a week later when we got flirty and I wanted to ensure he didn't get the wrong impression of me in this situation. I have been told that I can be vague and give men the wrong idea from other men. This one struck a cord and I just wanted to let him know that the flirting is not just what this is about. That I don't want it to be just a hook up. Partly because he seemed different and someone worth saying those words to.

 

I know he is still going to try for sex. He is a man. And his intentions could change once we meet or he is lying now. I do not get that impression, but hey I have to take the chance. But remembering our first conversation I wanted to make it clear and from what I gathered he also could use the reassurance that it is not my style.

 

I realize maybe I should have mentioned he brought it up on his end first, but it actually slipped my mind yesterday.

[Gaeta]

This is true. He was the one who actually came out first when we started talking and asked me what I was looking for. Many guys do. Some are straightforward and say they want sex. Some are vague, some lie, and some don't know what they want.

 

Thank you

 

Asking why you are online is something common!!

When he initially asked me, I said someone to hang out and have fun with. Nothing complicated and good company. I said I want consistency and no games. Because my time is limited as a full time single mom, I am also not available at all times. He is in the same boat and I think liked this. He agreed and said that is what he wants.

 

Then you know what he wants and he know what you want. Why revisit this??

 

I know he is still going to try for sex. He is a man. .

 

YOU SAID: I said someone to hang out and have fun with. Nothing complicated and good company.

 

In men's language that means company and sex. Do you realize that?

[selinaluv]

Thank you

 

Asking why you are online is something common!!

 

 

Then you know what he wants and he know what you want. Why revisit this??

 

 

 

YOU SAID: I said someone to hang out and have fun with. Nothing complicated and good company.

 

In men's language that means company and sex. Do you realize that?

 

I wanted to revisit it to be more clear. I do realize that is what it may have meant, and I think at first I was lying to myself.

 

Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I after talking for a bit I realized with him I may want more.

 

Based on my history, I have been fighting commitment for a while and I also think have lost some men because they thought I didn't want more.

 

I just wanted to be clear here before we moved any further. He may have not received the message. In the end I know they are all going to try for sex.

 

Since then our conversations have been light and fun. He sees I brushed it all aside, so I think he is going to give it a shot.

[selinaluv]

I did include in the conversation that things will fall where they may, but I am in it for more than just one night.

 

That doesn't mean long term. I don't go there cause you just don't know. That was never brought up here at all.

[selinaluv]

Most of the time I can pick out. As I get more experience, they are easier to read. They compliment my looks immediately, they don't really want to get to know me, they are out of my age range, they ask to meet on the spot or at their place, everything is sexual almost immediately, they only text, they don't use my name, and they pretty much come out asking me what I want and say they want a fun, easy-going woman.

 

None of that has happened here. He has taken the time to ask me questions about myself, my family, my job. He calls unsolicited to say hello. He has complimented my intellect and the type of woman I seem to be. He thanks me for making him smile and cheering up his day. We flirt, but it is not over the line. He does not seem to be driven by sex. He makes it clear he likes it, but doesn't act like it is his driving force.

 

Again, we haven't met. But also clear that we have a good family friend in common. Not a complete stranger, even though we met or "reconnected" online. I have met his sister and niece. We know who we are on social media. We have spoken online before years ago when we were both in a very different place. So this also isn't a straight online dating situation.

Edited October 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GemmaUK]

This is true. Most of the time I can pick out. As I get more experience, they are easier to read. They compliment my looks immediately, they don't really want to get to know me, they are out of my age range, they ask to meet on the spot or at their place, everything is sexual almost immediately, they only text, they don't use my name, and they pretty much come out asking me what I want and say they want a fun, easy-going woman.

 

None of that has happened here. He has taken the time to ask me questions about myself, my family, my job. He calls unsolicited to say hello. He has complimented my intellect and the type of woman I seem to be. He thanks me for making him smile and cheering up his day. We flirt, but it is not over the line. He does not seem to be driven by sex. He makes it clear he likes it, but doesn't act like it is his driving force.

 

Again, we haven't met. But also clear that we have a good family friend in common. Not a complete stranger, even though we met or "reconnected" online. I have met his sister and niece. We know who we are on social media. We have spoken online before years ago when we were both in a very different place. So this also isn't a straight online dating situation.

 

Gotcha!

So - seems all really good.

Just to be on your own safe side google 'love bombing'.

It happens. It happened to me one time. He ended up being an abuser.

I'm not saying you should be completely negative but you would be well advised to gen up and be aware.