Setting expectations from the start?

[selinaluv]

Hello everyone,

 

This board is always so helpful, so I am coming with a question.

 

Do you think there is a problem telling a man you are speaking with, but haven’t met yet, that you are looking for more than a hook up?

 

Background is I matched with someone on Tinder (yeah, I know), but we have a friend in common and may have encountered each other in the past.

We hit it off online immediately. He is very proactive with calling and texting consistently and really seems interested in me physically and mentally. It has honestly been the most courtship I have had in a while and it doesn’t feel like trying, it just feels good. I want to do this one right because he is also striking a different cord with me and towards me then many of the men I have encountered.

 

We are both single parents and live an hour away, but he has made it clear distance is not an issue and with our busy, independent lives we agree we are going to see how this goes.

 

We have been speaking for a little over a week and planning to meet up in the next weekend or so.

 

Last night our conversation got slightly flirty, with maybe a few flirty pics (PG rated). I am okay with this because it was fun, but something in me wanted him to know I would like this to be something more. I have played the vague, flirty game in the past and it never turned out well.

 

So this morning (at 8:00) after he texts me good morning and we talk a bit, I mention if he is around and he calls me. I was not expecting him to call, but that is when I say I want more than just a casual thing. We had the discussion before, and I was vague, and I told him I want to make it clear cause I like him.

 

He seems slightly surprised, but then tells me he wants the same thing and isn’t that what we are all looking for? He said he got the feeling I wanted him to know I am not just flirty with anyone and I told him yes.

 

It was a good talk, I made him laugh, and then we changed the subject. I did follow up text saying I need to remember to keep things low key like we discussed, but I needed to get that off my chest.

 

I guess again, may have been too much, too soon, but I have been burned with the players and have played myself. I wanted to tell him and myself that I don’t want to play here, which is actually a big change of pace for me.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks

[Satu]

I don't think you did anything wrong in letting him know what you are looking for.

 

I would have done the same.

 

 

{Not that that guarantees anything }

 

 

Take care.

[selinaluv]

I don't think you did anything wrong in letting him know what you are looking for.

 

I would have done the same.

 

 

{Not that that guarantees anything }

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you. Not expecting a guarantee, but I think just trying to weed out the "weeds".

 

Adding he doesn't strike me as hookup guy, which is really the only part I regret. He really does seem to be into me, a feeling I haven't experienced for a while.

 

I don't want him to think that is what I thought he wanted, but it is too late for that I guess. I don't want him to be insulted. I don't think he was, but you never know.

[Satu]

Thank you. *Not expecting a guarantee, but I think just trying to weed out the "weeds".

 

Adding he doesn't strike me as hookup guy, which is really the only part I regret. He really does seem to be into me, a feeling I haven't experienced for a while.

 

I don't want him to think that is what I thought he wanted, but it is too late for that I guess. I don't want him to be insulted. I don't think he was, but you never know.

 

*I meant that the fact that I would do the same, doesn't guarantee anything

 

I really do think you did the right thing.

 

Its good for you and its good for him.

 

 

Take care.

[selinaluv]

*I meant that the fact that I would do the same, doesn't guarantee anything

 

I really do think you did the right thing.

 

Its good for you and its good for him.

 

 

Take care.

 

LOL Ah I see.

 

I am feeling the same way being good for both of us. It is actually huge for me cause I am admitting I want a relationship, which I haven't really done since my divorce. I haven't met anyone worthy to me to say those words to and I think I have here. This is actually a good thing.

 

I guess if he can't handle that small conversation, then he isn't the guy i thought he was.

[2005tahoe]

I mention my expectations up front, why waste anyones time if youre not on the same page? It filters through the people that's not on the same page as me.

[Satu]

Clarity is a good thing.

 

It makes it easier for all concerned.

 

 

Take care.

[selinaluv]

I mention my expectations up front, why waste anyones time if youre not on the same page? It filters through the people that's not on the same page as me.

 

Good to get a male POV.

 

I have gotten the vibe that we are actually on the same page, without that page being fully discussed. He actually seems like the type that could use reassurance that my flirting is for him only. I think I just really wanted him to know where I stand and now he does.

[2005tahoe]

I mention my expectations up front, why waste anyones time if youre not on the same page? It filters through the people that's not on the same page as me. I have has some flake on me after the date and never heard from them again, that's ok with me, it shows their character and made me realize very quickly that they wasn't for me. Why ghosting or flaking is the answer is beyond me, I would rather be flat out rejected than to be ghosted on, but that's how dating is now. People are "afraid" to tell you like it is.

[katiegrl]

 

I mention my expectations up front, why waste anyones time if youre not on the same page? .

 

Maybe I'm weird, but I tend to NOT have any "expectations" that early on (first couple of dates) and especially before even a first meet!

 

I mean if one is inclined to announce expectations, best to wait at least until you meet each other to determine whether or not you even click.

 

And if you do, have a couple of fun, flirty no pressure dates and if it's decided you wish to continue dating, then announce what you expect (not even with them per se, but just in general).

 

These types of early exchanges where you're talking about your needs/expectations are really premature IMO.

 

No one knows what they want with a particular person until they get to know that person...which takes going out on a few dates, at least.

 

JMO as always.

[selinaluv]

I mention my expectations up front, why waste anyones time if youre not on the same page? It filters through the people that's not on the same page as me. I have has some flake on me after the date and never heard from them again, that's ok with me, it shows their character and made me realize very quickly that they wasn't for me. Why ghosting or flaking is the answer is beyond me, I would rather be flat out rejected than to be ghosted on, but that's how dating is now. People are "afraid" to tell you like it is.

 

Thanks. I guess concern is I did it before our date, but yes, as single parents we don't have time to waste. Might as well deal with it now.

 

He said mind games and games women play really get him down. So that was me not playing games.

[selinaluv]

Maybe I'm weird, but I tend to NOT have any "expectations" that early on (first couple of dates) and especially before even a first meet!

 

I mean if one is inclined to announce expectations, best to wait at least until you meet each other to determine whether or not you even click.

 

And if you do, have a couple of fun, flirty no pressure dates and if it's decided you wish to continue dating, then announce what you expect (not even with them per se, but just in general).

 

These types of early exchanges where you're talking about your needs/expectations are really premature IMO.

 

No one knows what they want with a particular person until they get to know that person...which takes going out on a few dates, at least.

 

JMO as always.

 

This is true. I guess mine isn't really about expectations, but boundaries for myself. That I am not in it just for a hook up.

 

But I see where you are coming from and hope he didn't have me take it as jumping the gun. More of him wanting to know my intents and I don't want to waste his time either.

 

I agree on fun and it really has been. On occasion he has wanted to take things serious about his ex, children and stuff, so we are skirting things there on his end. But for the most part, it has been fun and light and I have told him so.

 

I also told him I plan to go back to that after our brief talk was over.

[katiegrl]

Maybe I'm weird, but I tend to NOT have any "expectations" that early on (first couple of dates) and especially before even a first meet!

 

I mean if one is inclined to announce expectations, best to wait at least until you meet each other to determine whether or not you even click.

 

And if you do, have a couple of fun, flirty no pressure dates and if it's decided you wish to continue dating, then announce what you expect (not even with them per se, but just in general).

 

These types of early exchanges where you're talking about your needs/expectations are really premature IMO.

 

No one knows what they want with a particular person until they get to know that person...which takes going out on a few dates, at least.

 

JMO as always.

 

To add^... one may start off believing (and saying) they don't want anything serious (only casual), but then end up realizing after a few dates that he/she is really someone special, and decide they want more than a casual RL with that particular person.

It can go the other way too.

 

That is why, at least for me, I find these early talks about expectations, etc, a total waste of time and energy.

 

Meet first, decide whether or not you even click, and if you do have a few fun, no pressure dates. Relax!

 

Then talk about it if you're so inclined.

 

I dunno, again maybe I am weird but this is what has always worked well for me and my RLs.

[selinaluv]

To add^... one may start off believing (and saying) they don't want anything serious (only casual), but then end up realizing after a few dates that he/she is really someone special, and decide they want more than a casual RL with that particular person.

It can go the other way too.

 

That is why, at least for me, I find these early talks about expectations, etc, a total waste of time.

 

This is very true. I have a friend who met her fiancee on Tinder. They both when in it with expectations of just a hook up and fell in love.

 

She was so guarded (and I can relate) that it took time for her to really relax and believe that it really was love. He had to work at it, but admits his initial game was to have sex and be gone.

[selinaluv]

It is good to know though that from the small consensus so far that I did not make a huge faux pas. I really want to play my cards right here.

[katiegrl]

It is good to know though that from the small consensus so far that I did not make a huge faux pas. I really want to play my cards right here.

 

Have you met each other yet?

[kendahke]

As long as you're not compromising your boundaries, you shouldn't have any problems.

 

The problems come when you've said one thing, they begin acting aloof and then you gut your boundaries trying to figure out a way to keep him in place. Next thing you know, you're in over your head trying to keep him in place and he's out the door.

 

I get why you did it, but for myself, I wouldn't have brought it up until I'd spent a few hours in his company to gauge what kind of temperament and personality he's got--and if I even want to be around him. To put that out there when you've only been talking on the phone seems like you're trying to install your fantasy of who you think this guy is on him instead of observing how the real him acts/behaves/communicates, etc.

 

And also know: just because you've put it out there and he agrees to it doesn't mean that he won't try once you two are in close proximity.

[selinaluv]

Have you met each other yet?

 

No, not yet.

 

We have been talking for about a week. Mostly phone conversations.

 

Both single parents with our kids full time. He has asked to meet up a few times and we are balancing schedules.

[selinaluv]

As long as you're not compromising your boundaries, you shouldn't have any problems.

 

The problems come when you've said one thing, they begin acting aloof and then you gut your boundaries trying to figure out a way to keep him in place. Next thing you know, you're in over your head trying to keep him in place and he's out the door.

 

I get why you did it, but for myself, I wouldn't have brought it up until I'd spent a few hours in his company to gauge what kind of temperament and personality he's got--and if I even want to be around him. To put that out there when you've only been talking on the phone seems like you're trying to install your fantasy of who you think this guy is on him instead of observing how the real him acts/behaves/communicates, etc.

 

And also know: just because you've put it out there and he agrees to it doesn't mean that he won't try once you two are in close proximity.

 

I am hoping he doesn't act aloof, and if he does I will need to hold back the chase and let him go a bit if that is what he does.

 

Yes, all good points. I really don't know much about him and I'm sure he will still try. I am not opposed to it sooner then later, but want him to know that is not all this is about for me.

[selinaluv]

I forgot to mention that he did acknowledge he is glad I "drew the line in the sand". Might be a little intense on response, but I told him it isn't as serious as that. He said he knew and was fine with it all and felt the same way as I did.

[katiegrl]

I forgot to mention that he did acknowledge he is glad I "drew the line in the sand". Might be a little intense on response, but I told him it isn't as serious as that. He said he knew and was fine with it all and felt the same way as I did.

 

Sounds good. Here's hoping you click as well in person as you do over phone and text!

 

Not to be a negative nellie, but this all may have been for naught if there is no click/chemistry when you do finally meet in person.

 

But good luck and let us know!

[selinaluv]

Sounds good. Here's hoping you click as well in person as you do over phone and text!

 

Not to be a negative nellie, but this all may have been for naught if there is no click/chemistry when you do finally meet in person.

 

But good luck and let us know!

 

Yes, I hear ya and totally get that for sure. I know we haven't hit reality yet.

 

LOL I just want to make sure I didn't hurt chances to get there! But I don't think I did.

 

He has said he likes to give women time to get to know them even if the first date is a disaster, he says he will always try for a second to be sure. I like that trait and shows me (if true) he will not shy away from these things.

 

I will let you know

[Eternal Sunshine]

I used to do this and wanted reassurance up front. But I found out:

 

1. Men that are players will have no problem saying that they also want a RL just to sleep with you. Men that are desperate for sex will do the same.

 

2. As Katiegirl said, there are many people that *think* they don't want a RL but feel so attracted to you that they change their mind. If this were to happen though, it is usually within the first 1-2 months. Waiting around beyond that is a waste of time.

 

3. By caging down on the RL from the get go, many men will feel a little pressured. It removes some of the fun and spontaneity of early dates.

 

4. There are many men that do look for a RL in abstract terms and they are honest when they say so. But they may end up not really feeling it with you and still be desperate for sex and see you in particular as a hook up/casual. They won't know this themselves until after they have spent some time with you.

 

So I prefer to let things unfold naturally. There are many clues and signs in how a man acts towards you in early dating that are pretty good indicators of where he is at. I do have the conversation at about the 2 months mark if it hasn't been made clear by then.

[Miss Peach]

To add^... one may start off believing (and saying) they don't want anything serious (only casual), but then end up realizing after a few dates that he/she is really someone special, and decide they want more than a casual RL with that particular person.

It can go the other way too.

 

That is why, at least for me, I find these early talks about expectations, etc, a total waste of time and energy.

 

Meet first, decide whether or not you even click, and if you do have a few fun, no pressure dates. Relax!

 

Then talk about it if you're so inclined.

 

I dunno, again maybe I am weird but this is what has always worked well for me and my RLs.

 

I agree with this. Look at his actions. He is looking at your actions too.

[Gaeta]

I discovered with online dating if I was NOT forward from the first message than I was wasting my time.

 

After a first hello my first question was : What are you looking for on here?

 

If it did not aligned with what I was looking for I was passing.

 

There are so many players, married men, con artist on there, you have to be up front right away.

 

If I come across a man and he is looking for a serious relationship then I am interested in talking with him. Of course it does not mean we will end up together but at least him and I are looking for the same thing.

 

If I met someone looking for casual dating and then he said he was open for more I usually passed. It means he doesn't know what he wants. He is usually not interested in anything serious but he is smart enough to know he needs to say so if he wants a chance at meeting me. I would pass them too. I didn't have any time to give someone to figure himself out.

 

So, even if I was very very forward from the very first message I still met close to 200 men before meeting my boyfriend. That tells you how online is not easy so imagine how not-easy it will be if you are not forward from the start.

Edited September 29, 2016 by Gaeta