sunshine2 Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Finally met with the guy I met on line. We have been texting and talking every night for a couple weeks, which is NOT the best before meeting for sure. I was a bit concerned that we would not like each other in person with all that fantasy crap that can happen. We met for coffee. He made me laugh and has lots of stories. Talks so much I hardly get a word in edge wise, which bothered me a little. When I met him I was like WOW, thats a very big man. He looked nicer looking in person and Im not looking for gorgeous, just a nice man. He wears suspenders which is funny and old school and he looks older then me even though we are the same age. For some reason he showed me his DL, so I know he is my age. But I guess maybe other women have question his age? Not sure. He told me I had pretty hair and he thought I was nice looking which was nice. Anyway, I gave him a hug at the end of the meeting. We planned on going out to the bay today, which I was looking forward to, but he cancelled. He takes care of his father because he has dementia, and he told me his dad wanted to run a bunch of errands today, which could be true, but my gut is telling me he is lying. I have to admit Im disappointed he cancelled. Im not going to wait around for him and keep dating for sure. It just takes me a hour or two to think this though and then let it go. There are a couple red flags with him already. He was dating a gal, but she never wanted to have sex with him, so they became friends. She still hangs out with him on some weekends because she likes to help take care of his dad. According to him, she never wants to do anything with him and hardly talks to him when she is there. She spends the night too, which is what really gets me. Why spend he night when you live close by? He told me she doesn't like night driving... Okay weird. He says she tells him to find someone else to date because they have nothing in common. If they are truly friends then great, but she was there on Saturday and he hardly communicated with me, and I felt he was sneaking around. I questioned him about there relationship and he really doesn't get why this could be a problem for me. I think I went too far with my questions and he got irritated. We almost didn't meet over this, but I was just trying to understand why he keeps her around if there is nothing between them. My friend thinks this is all odd too and told me that she wonders if this gal is more interested in dad for financial reasons. She used to work in the caregiving field and has seen caregivers take advantage of older people to get on the will or money. I told him to look at it from my side and he finally understood, but man that was a tough conversation. I can tell this women will be around no matter what and I have to either deal with it or not. He likes to have a nightly call with me, which is okay, but they sometimes go on way to long. He loves to talk. If I am not in the mood to talk on the phone he tends to get upset, but in a very passive way. He'll say something like, you didn't want to talk to me last night, so guess you are too busy for me. Sometimes I just want to chill and watch tv and then go to bed. I tell him that but it doesn't seem to matter. He wants what he wants and seems pushy at times. I love to communicate and so does he, so thats a good thing because we match with that, but there are times I need to chill for a couple of hours. The other thing is he told me he hurt his back and damaged nerves so at 56 he has ED and has a hard time getting things going. I also noticed he has that skin discoloration where your skin has lighter spots? I don't know what its called, but he has it a bit on his face. Its not that bad, but Im sure he has it on his body too. He is retired now because of his back and seems to be doing fine financially as he has nice things, so that is not a issue. He owns a home in another city here and is staying with his dad to help him. His dementia is getting worse and he almost burned down his house. I think I have to chill out and just take this for what it is. We are not in a relationship and at this point, are just friends. Maybe its best just to stay friends or just see where it goes. Im conflicted. Am I just thinking too much or is this just another dead end?
ThorntonMelon Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 which bothered me a little my gut is telling me he is lying a couple red flags with him already She spends the night too I felt he was sneaking around I can tell this women will be around no matter what and I have to either deal with it or not he tends to get upset, but in a very passive way He wants what he wants and seems pushy at times After 1 date with all this I'd block his number and never ever speak to him again. 8
pteromom Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 Talks so much I hardly get a word in edge wise, which bothered me a little. He takes care of his father because he has dementia, and he told me his dad wanted to run a bunch of errands today, which could be true, but my gut is telling me he is lying. There are a couple red flags with him already. He was dating a gal, but she never wanted to have sex with him, so they became friends. She spends the night when she is there. she tells him to find someone else to date because they have nothing in common. I questioned him about there relationship and he really doesn't get why this could be a problem for me. I think I went too far with my questions and he got irritated. I told him to look at it from my side and he finally understood, but man that was a tough conversation. If I am not in the mood to talk on the phone he tends to get upset, but in a very passive way. He'll say something like, you didn't want to talk to me last night, so guess you are too busy for me. He wants what he wants and seems pushy at times. The other thing is he told me he hurt his back and damaged nerves so at 56 he has ED and has a hard time getting things going. I guess my question for you is other than being someone somewhat nice to talk to, what are you getting out of this? It doesn't seem you are physically attracted to him at all (which doesn't matter since he has ED and probably won't be able to have sex anyway.) He is pushy and irritable and selfish and doesn't communicate well. Plus on top of that, there's this woman who he seems to only not be dating because she doesn't want to, AND a dad with dementia? I don't see anything positive or hopeful about this situation. I would tell him you are only interested in being a friend to him, and move on to find someone else for dating. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 I think it's super sweet that he is taking care of his dad. That's a good guy. That said, I think there are a lot of other things going on that may make it better for you to just stay friends. Chill and see what happens. Good luck!
Arieswoman Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 sunshine2, When I was divorced and dating it took me a very long time to listen to my gut. Being a logical person I rationalised things and made excuses for guys' poor behaviour. Don't make my mistake - if it doesn't feel good, it probably isn't. So learn to walk away. Good luck x 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 30, 2016 Posted September 30, 2016 Bless this guy's heart is his story is exactly as he claims, weird things happen and people allow weird things and situations in their lives that make absolutely NO sense to the rest of the world. But it does happen. That's the good angel on my shoulder giving the benefit of the doubt. The devil on the opposite shoulder is saying run forest run.. This guy has shared so many red flags already, personally I wouldn't care to know what is the truth in all this, no energy to devote to decoding all of that. Even if the woman he dated situation is totally innocuous, can you see yourself getting serious with a man that keeps an ex lover around to care for his father with him? What role will you play in all that? I dunnow, why complicate your life like that when you are just lukewarm about him? 2
Author sunshine2 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Posted October 1, 2016 Him having a dad with dementia and taking care of him is NOT a red flag. He is a very generous man, which is one of the qualities I like about him. No, Im not that attracted to him. And I guess it was just fun talking to him as he did make me laugh and it lightened me up for awhile. We talked yesterday like normal, but I didn't hear from him last night. We haven't talk on the phone like usual in the evening. I feel like it is fizzling out already. I keep meeting guys with so many issues, health issues mostly. Some are just plain weird like the last guy I met. He had long hair and tattoos which Im fine with, but it seems he had no teeth and he moved soon after our first meeting to a town 2 hours away from me. Promised he would come down and see me, told me he would take me out, told me I was his girlfriend and #1. LOL I was like yea Im your girlfriend? We only just met! None of it ever happened. Just strange and stranger it seems. Where are the somewhat normal guys who just want to date and see where it can go. No sex talk, or nude picts..no FWB's or casual dating. I think Im going to be alone for a long time... uggh. My friend says with all the crap going on with him, it would be difficult to see that as long term anyway and she is right. Oh well, I guess I will be working through this for a couple of days, then move on. Thanks for your feedback.
pteromom Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 Him having a dad with dementia and taking care of him is NOT a red flag. He is a very generous man, which is one of the qualities I like about him. Of course it isn't a red flag. It's an HONORABLE thing. However, the reality is that a dad with dementia WOULD affect you and any relationship you would have with this guy. If it was your husband of 20 years, of course, you would just be supportive and understanding. But when looking at whether to date someone, you have to consider the lifestyle you would have with the prospective boyfriend. In this case, a dad with dementia might have a lot of effects on a relationship. - He can't go on vacation because he doesn't want to be away from Dad? - Dad says inappropriate or upsetting things and ruins his mood often? - Problems with Dad come before dates with you, birthdays, events, etc. - It's obvious Dad is his #1 priority Etc. Etc. Etc. You can't fault the guy for wanting to take care of his dad. It shows he has a good heart (at least toward his dad). But you CAN consider how it would affect YOU and what you want out of a relationship. No, Im not that attracted to him. And I guess it was just fun talking to him as he did make me laugh and it lightened me up for awhile. We talked yesterday like normal, but I didn't hear from him last night. We haven't talk on the phone like usual in the evening. I feel like it is fizzling out already. Yeah...sounds more like a friendship. I keep meeting guys with so many issues, health issues mostly. Some are just plain weird like the last guy I met. He had long hair and tattoos which Im fine with, but it seems he had no teeth and he moved soon after our first meeting to a town 2 hours away from me. Promised he would come down and see me, told me he would take me out, told me I was his girlfriend and #1. LOL I was like yea Im your girlfriend? We only just met! None of it ever happened. Just strange and stranger it seems. Where are the somewhat normal guys who just want to date and see where it can go. No sex talk, or nude picts..no FWB's or casual dating. I think Im going to be alone for a long time... uggh. Oh I remember dating. It can be brutal. And yeah. Sometimes it seems like the world is full of losers and guys who are just all kinds of wrong for you. But that doesn't mean you have to settle for someone without teeth. Have standards and stick to them, even if a guy who doesn't meet your standards is showing interest. I just wrote a post to someone else in another thread about how to date. And one thing I said to him definitely applies to you too. And that is to CAST A WIDE NET. Dating is a numbers game. Go online dating. Join local groups on Facebook or social media. Go to local get togethers. Hang out at places where there are other people. Talk to people you run across as you go about your day. Practice smiling and chatting...even flirting. Tell your married and taken friends that you are looking and ask if they know anyone to set you up with. And yes. You will get more ugly sex talk, and uglier d-pics. You will meet guys who are inappropriate and toothless. But remember - you aren't the fish waiting to be caught. You are the huntress, and YOU are in control of who you share yourself with. Shut them down and move on if they aren't up to your standards.
thecrucible Posted October 6, 2016 Posted October 6, 2016 Personally I think just going on a date with a guy and not getting a word in edgeways would be enough of a red flag to me. I'm always put off by people like this in whatever setting because they are the kind of people who make everything just about them. Sometimes people like this can be nice-ish people but it's just the way that their brain is wired. People like this I can find a way to get on with in real life but I wouldn't want to date them. Anyway in case I'm projecting, did he ask you many questions about you? How much did he dominate the conversation?
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