bommer27 Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We recently broke up because I was feeling taken for granted and like he didn't really love me causing me to feel insecure and pull away from the relationship. FF a few months and we have gotten back together because we both do love each other. The issue I am facing now, is that we are settled into our routine again and I feel the same lack of love and security that I did before the breakup. I think he has serious abandonment issues that cause him to keep me at a distance emotionally. His dad was an alcoholic and he had a very hard childhood, feeling like his dad chose alcohol over him and then he passed away without reconciling. His mom also remarried and his step dad put a wedge between them. When we broke up, he begged me not to leave and said that everyone he loves always leaves him. I didn't want to leave him, but I wasn't getting what I needed from him emotionally to stay. I really want our relationship to work, but I need a stronger emotional connection. Does anyone have advice for connecting with someone with abandonment issues? How can I make him more secure so that he will hopefully open up to me?
Gaeta Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 I really want our relationship to work, but I need a stronger emotional connection. Does anyone have advice for connecting with someone with abandonment issues? How can I make him more secure so that he will hopefully open up to me? First, he needs to make the steps himself to fix his abandonment issues by contacting a professional and get some closure on what happened to him. Second, there is nothing you can do. You are not a professional and trying to play the psychologist with him risk hurting him more than helping him. Third, if he is unwilling to go get help, something by the way that would be beneficial to him for the rest of his life with you, his family, his future children, if he is unwilling to get help than terminate this relationship permanently. 1
kgal785 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 I’m sorry to hear that you are having difficulty in your relationship. It seems as though your boyfriend has a number of unresolved issues surrounding relationships that are being carried over into your relationship. Has he considered seeking individual counseling that would help him work through some of the things he experienced in his past? Also have you considered seeking couples counseling? This may help you both gain understanding of how each of you view the relationship. I hope things improve for you. 1
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2016 Posted October 5, 2016 A breakup never resolves the issues...they are still there waiting for you when you return. I agree this is something that YOU CANNOT fix yourself, but a professional therapist. If he isn't willing to deal with this issue and seek therapy, then there is no hope.
scooby-philly Posted October 7, 2016 Posted October 7, 2016 Sounds like it's time for an "intervention" so to speak. Smackie is right - splits and re-unions don't solve the problem. He's apparently got some emotional issues that need to be addressed. It doesn't necessarily need commitment to a mental hospital, but therapy once or twice a week. Heck, even a support group maybe beneficial. To Smackie and Gaeta's point - this isn't something YOU fix. This isn't even something a therapist FIXES. This is a personal problem HE must fix. First, by getting help in one or several forms, and through you remaining open and helpful - but only if you can commit to it. I'd start out by going as far as you can making it clear to him - here's what you want to see - x,y,z - not just the therapist, but starting certain behaviors and/or stopping others, telling him to go and do something that makes him more open - dance, photography, hiking, gaming, etc - whatever his real passions are, and then also what you need from him. Give him a timeline - 1 month to see this. 2-3 months for that. But if you can't make that sort of commitment, then it's time to move on so that you and he don't get more devastated by the eventual split. 1
Alamo657 Posted October 7, 2016 Posted October 7, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We recently broke up because I was feeling taken for granted and like he didn't really love me causing me to feel insecure and pull away from the relationship. FF a few months and we have gotten back together because we both do love each other. The issue I am facing now, is that we are settled into our routine again and I feel the same lack of love and security that I did before the breakup. I think he has serious abandonment issues that cause him to keep me at a distance emotionally. His dad was an alcoholic and he had a very hard childhood, feeling like his dad chose alcohol over him and then he passed away without reconciling. His mom also remarried and his step dad put a wedge between them. When we broke up, he begged me not to leave and said that everyone he loves always leaves him. I didn't want to leave him, but I wasn't getting what I needed from him emotionally to stay. I really want our relationship to work, but I need a stronger emotional connection. Does anyone have advice for connecting with someone with abandonment issues? How can I make him more secure so that he will hopefully open up to me? Oh boy... Look, i have the same problem as your boyfriend. To the letter. Except i stopped begging and be weak about it. You can't help him. When in a relationship, he will be in a constant fear of loosing it because he feels he is not worth it and other men are better than him. The emotional detachement toward you is a measure of self protection, in anticipation of the (in his mind) unavoidable break up. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Abandonment issues can never be cured, they can be reined in and controlled with time and experience, and he will learn from it if he is smart. The best thing you can do for him at that point is just leave him; that sounds harsh but you must not try to "cure" him, because you can't, and in the end you will resent him, and the next breakup will be much worse (emotionally) than the first, for him and for you... 1
mortensorchid Posted October 7, 2016 Posted October 7, 2016 I was with someone who had this problem. He was a loser, plain and simple. He had a gf who left him YEARS before I met him, he sat there all day severely and clinically depressed about it, and shared it with me and just about anyone who would listen. He cried about how someday I will leave him, and he broke up with me (via email, I would like to add). He was determined to ruin it because he felt it was his destiny to ruin it, and since I was not breaking up with him, he would do it to me so that others would feel sorry for him. No dice, of course, people turned on him for how bad he treated me and I'm sure he felt double guilty over that. I would not bother with this guy if he is always going to hang this over your head, he'll find some reason or excuse to not do something else later on. 1
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