Wife's odd behavior

[Mr R]

Hey everyone I'm new here so if this is in the wrong board I apologize. I know forums aren't the place to turn for advice but I'm desperate and mentally exhausted.

 

So I'll start out by saying I love my wife very much and we've been married for 17 years. Our sex life is ok our relationship is too I think.

 

I've been at a loss at how my wife has been acting for the past month. This all started when she and a find went out of town for a business meeting. After her meeting they of course went out to eat dinner since they'd been in a meeting all day. The next thing I know I get a picture text of a daiquiri that's 3/4 gone. Now keep in mind wide wife never drinks. When I mean never the last time she had a drink was 3 years ago while we were at the beach. The next text I received from her a short time later was hers number 2 followed by an animated text of a girl partying with the words "Saturday Night". The next text was again a picture this time of a random guy sitting across the bar from her with the caption she found her friend a man. I jokingly reply "sure he's not for you?". Her reply was "he's a little too douche baggie for me."

 

So time passes and she text me from her hotel room a picture of her looking very drunk. I ask her if she is and she says yes and by the way a friend who lives in that city is taking her to a drag show later that night. I was ok with that since it's been months since her friend moved there and they'd seen each other(the friend by the way is a female). So I told her the normal be careful, just let me know when she left for the club and got back to her room and I loved her. She then tells me she probably won't text my since it would be late ai had to get up the next morning early. I responded "No anal or swallowing! Unless you're willing to do it when you get home!" I sent an immediate text "you know I'm only joking" her Response was "i can't promise that"

 

So the text stop for awhile. The first text I get is " jello shots are gross". I then asked her if she was getting drunk again and she said probably. So she text me on and off through the night telling me about the drag show and pictures with her friends looking very drunk in all the pictures. And admitting so when I asked her. She continued to send pictures of the drag queens and telling me she had started dancing done with her friend. At some point I text to ask her something and it was a very long time between responses and she said she'd been dancing. Of course I asked with who and she ignored the question and changed the subject. The next text I got was as I was getting up to go to work the next morning at 4am saying she'd just got to her room and was about to pass out followed by a picture of her on the verge of passing out while taking the picture. So I told her to get some sleep since she had to drive home in a few hours.

 

That afternoon when I got home from work I asked her to tell me all about going to the drag show and her night in general. She wouldn't really talk about it saying it was ok and it was a fun experience and was glad she did it. So I accepted that and left it be. That Monday she made a post on her Facebook about it being a real Monday. I commented that's what happens we you party all night Saturday. Her friend that took her to the club says she wished there were pictures of her on the dance floor because she was getting down. My wife responded with I barley danced 2 songs worth. Her friend responded "as the sober poison there what I say goes".

 

Fast forward to that evening my son was getting on our computer and Facebook was open. She'd left a group message open as well. And my son asked who's this picture of? Renner the guy she the picture of? Yep it was him. And another picture from behind her drink on hand looking over her shoulder at the camera with a big party smile on her face and that guy across the bar. Someone in the chat asked who the guy was. Her friend that she went there with says done hottie. My wife responded "my 2nd husband" WTF? She had told me he was too douche baggie for me. Normally if brush this off as girl talk but usually when my wife tells you Ann opinion on someone it's the same across the board but this time it was completely opposite. That night public on Facebook she thanked her friend from the city for taking her out and mentioned she'd have to come do it again when no one was with her. This increased my suspicions.

 

That week and the following week we had more sex than normal. A good thing? Normally it would be. But every time she would demand to be on top and her movement was fifteen than it has ever been. And unlike normal she was trying to she how quickly she could get me off and making sure she didn't for the most part. I asked her at the end of the second week why she had to be on top and why the supreme in her movement during sex she'd just shrug her shoulders and say I don't know sometimes a girl just want to be on top and make her msn come. I asked what about and she said I'm ok with not getting off. Now mind you usually if I don't get her off during sex she finishes up with a toy. The next week again we had sex a few more times than normal but she acted like hurry up and get off me but make sure she gets off.

 

Do then a couple weeks ago I went out of town with my dad for a weekend. Every time I try to call our house or her cell phone I wouldn't get a answer but if I sent a text I would get an answer within a few minutes. She would only answer the phone late of a night and when asked why she didn't answer the phone she always had an excuse to why. She was outside with the dogs or she was in the bathroom or something along those lines. These are all believable. But since her weekend away her phone has exploded with messages always late of a night as I'm trying to get to sleep. If I ask who it was she tells me it's something stupid of she stammer for a friend's name.

 

So last week she asked me to open her phone and read her a certain text message because it has an order for her business in it. As in looking for the message I notice 2 numbers without names attached. I opens them one was from the night she was out of town and the only context was her replying I can't talk right now. This appeared twice and no messages in between like the others had been erased. And the other number were from dates after that night with the same thing.

 

Now any time her phone goes off no matter the time day or night she grabs it and immediately reads the messages some times of we are in bed getting ready to go to sleep she get up and go to the living room and usually doesn't return till after I'm asleep. If I ask her the next day who was messaging so later she just tells me a friends and she didn't want to bother me since I get up so early.

 

I've been trying to put this out if my mind but things are just confusing me the more I think about it. And I'll admit I've opened her Facebook messages recently to see who's been messing late at night and there will be nothing there out if the ordinary. So I added it up to I was jealous off the night out partying until yesterdaymi was leaving work(we work for the same company) and I had went to talk to her for a few minutes before I left. As I was getting ready to leave she did her little wink and noise crinkle she does that's sexy as hell. And I was caught off guard when I realized she was looking at another co worker who had walked up behind me to relay so info her had for her. Then my mind started raving on my drive home about everything I have mentioned above. And the reason is that's a look I've only know her to ever give me or our son. I should also mention the last two times we've had sex she refuses for me to perform oral on her which she always lives and she wanted me to dinner her the last time which I gladly ablidged. But when doing to she wanted my to change the method to something she has admitted years ago she didn't like it that way. She had also began drinking every Friday and Saturday night since then.

 

Now my questions are.

 

Am I reading too much into what went on while she was out of town? Is she lying about the actions of that night? Am I just Jealous of her night out without me since we never get time away like that together?

 

I do love my wife very much and don't want to accuse her of anything but somethings just aren't adding up to me. Any advice would be great because I'm so confused right now and have no one to turn to for advice.

Edited September 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs ~ V

[CarrieT]

You are not reading too much into it.

 

Instead of confronting, I would recommend pretending everything is back to normal and go into investigative mode. Perhaps consider installing a hidden Voice Activated Recorder somewhere (under a car seat?) to record any conversations she might be having in private. Also, install a key logger on her computer.

 

She may very well be having an affair and you may have to prepare for the worst.

[Johnsmith1003]

No you are absolutely not reading too much into it. It's fishy for sufe, just short of outright knowing. I agree w Carrie and go into investigative mode. Habitual routines don't just change that dramatically. Much of what you said of your wife's characteristics mirror my wife's and I'd go into a mad man frenzy if it happened to me.

[Friskyone4u]

You are reading way too little into it and you better go into investigative mode real quick or you are in for a very unpleasant surprise, which probably has already occurred.

 

You might want to read a thread on here by Jefe that is still active and go to page 6 or 7. Be smart like him and put a VAR in her car instead of chasing FB posts. You will know what she is up to in less than a week since she is obviously spouting off in public forums.

[Mr R]

I've been in investigation mode for a few weeks. Things are seeming normal expect for not letting me give her oral. I told her since her weekend if she ever decides Is he feels the need to sleep with someone else to just tell me and leave so I don't have to go through the heartache of the whole affair bs

[Marc878]

Go online and check your phone bill. Or better still use a deleted text recovery on her phone.

[Mr R]

The only problem with recovery of deleted text is it send an email notification to her email witch she'll receive immediately. And she checks those as soon as they come in. I had already thought of that then knew she'd know what I was up to.

[Mr R]

You are reading way too little into it and you better go into investigative mode real quick or you are in for a very unpleasant surprise, which probably has already occurred.

 

You might want to read a thread on here by Jefe that is still active and go to page 6 or 7. Be smart like him and put a VAR in her car instead of chasing FB posts. You will know what she is up to in less than a week since she is obviously spouting off in public forums.

 

I'm failing to find that thread can you hook me up with the link.

[CarrieT]

I'm failing to find that thread can you hook me up with the link.

 

I think this was the thread being referenced...

[kgcolonel]

I've been in investigation mode for a few weeks. Things are seeming normal expect for not letting me give her oral. I told her since her weekend if she ever decides Is he feels the need to sleep with someone else to just tell me and leave so I don't have to go through the heartache of the whole affair bs

 

How did she react to your request? Her response can be a tell tell sign of where she stands.

[standtall]

Red alert!

[Mr R]

How did she react to your request? Her response can be a tell tell sign of where she stands.

 

She kinda acted hurt but endured me that she would never cheat on me but for me to do the same.

[Poutrew]

Sounds like she is doing something with someone, but not you. Can you see your wife's body when you have sex with her, or is it 'lights out'? She may not want you to see her up close, like when you give her oral, because you will see bite marks you didn't put there. Like others are saying, you really need to get a digital voice recorder - they are small and look like a USB thumb drive. Put one in her car. Another idea is to get one of those video cameras, the kind that can take a picture of your front door and put it up on the internet so you can see who is coming and going and when - it sounds like the reason she only answers by text is that she isn't home to pick up the phone. If you really want to get to the bottom of things and have some money, hire a private investigator. Really, it sounds that the PI will have your answers after only a few days... your wife seems to not care about really hiding her tracks.

[oldshirt]

I agree with the others, this is probable cause to go into full investigation mode.

 

I agree that you need to act completely normal and keep your mouth shut for now. Do not ask her anything you do not already know the answer to. If you question her without investigating first, she will just deny it and they will go deeper underground and cover their tracks better.

 

Get some VARs and put one in her car and any place in the house or office that she may be having private conversations.

 

Check her phone/txt bill. Install a keylogger program on her computers and hack into her emails and social media.

 

I also think you have enough probable cause here to hire a PI.

 

I would also consult an attorney and at least get factual information on the divorce laws in your jurisdiction and have a plan in place on how to protect your assets, property, financial accounts, relationship with your children etc etc.

 

You need to be able to circle your wagons and protect yourself in a moments notice in case she and her BF decide to empty your accounts and take off somewhere.

 

I know this sounds dire and perhaps even unrealistic and unbelievable to you at the moment, but we have all seen these things play out time and time again and you have cause for great concern here and you have reason to gather as much information about all possible outcomes as possible.

[oldshirt]

....also, do not only look for communications with the OM. Many times the smoking gun comes from the WS talking to other friends and allies about the affair.

 

In this case the friend that she went on the trip with has key information. Communications between the two of them may tell you all you need to know.

[Friskyone4u]

Mr R,

 

Don't worry about the entirte thread. You do not need to read it all. The important part is that once the BH installed a VAR in her car it took less than 24 hours for him to find out she was refusing him sex because she was still lying and just took the affair underground.

 

There are a bunch of things you can do but depending on how computer literate she is or her OM is it may take a lot more time to catch her. Understand this, women are much more talkative than men about this **** and if even if she does not talk to OM she may be telling a "girlfriend". That often happens.

 

You can do this correctly for LESS than $100 total at Best Buy. The things you have to remember are

(1) in some jurisdictions it is not legal but I am a BH and joined a forum years ago and I have not read any where where a WW spent the money or an attorney would waste their clients time pursuing criminal charges if caught.

(2) no matter what you hear, and you may hear some very hurtful stuff, you DO NOT REVEAL HOW YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW. AND BY THE WAY, WHEN YOU CATCH HER CHEATING SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO KNOW anything ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DFOING OR NOT DOING.

 

You also need to see an attorney. I am not telling you to immediately file for divorce but you need to be prepared if she is actually doing what it appears she is.

 

DO NOT MAKE THE STATEMENT IF YOU CATCH HER " that you love her and will forgive her".

 

The minute you make that statement you have given her total control of the narrative.

 

There are other things that others have suggested that can help you snoop but the VAR is your quickest and easiest way to find out what is going on. AND THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON

[Mr R]

Sounds like she is doing something with someone, but not you. Can you see your wife's body when you have sex with her, or is it 'lights out'? She may not want you to see her up close, like when you give her oral, because you will see bite marks you didn't put there. Like others are saying, you really need to get a digital voice recorder - they are small and look like a USB thumb drive. Put one in her car. Another idea is to get one of those video cameras, the kind that can take a picture of your front door and put it up on the internet so you can see who is coming and going and when - it sounds like the reason she only answers by text is that she isn't home to pick up the phone. If you really want to get to the bottom of things and have some money, hire a private investigator. Really, it sounds that the PI will have your answers after only a few days... your wife seems to not care about really hiding her tracks.

 

She's not hiding her body in anyway light were on during sex both times and I usually watch her change clothes after work everyday, getting ready for and after showers and there's nothing out of the ordinary as far as bite marks or bruises.

[Mr R]

Yes, something is happening...and you need to find out what it is.

 

I agree with protecting yourself and your assets. Things could change on a moments notice.

 

Start digging. Use technology suggested by others in this thread.

 

Check on the guy too - that she was winking at. Was he on her trip as well? Have you ever wondered if she was interested in him?

 

Can you drop in to her office unexpectedly? You need to mix up your schedule to check on what she is up to when she's not expecting you to show up.

 

The guy she was winking at the other day is a work friend if both of ours. I've known him for years and he would tell me if she ever made a pass at him. The bar at work is impossible because we work in a retail store so she didn't have an office to be confined too.

As someone else meted talking to the friend she went on the trip with isn't an option because she would with hold info, and run to the wife with the fact I was inquiring about the trip and I feel the friend that took her to the club would also mention that I contacted her.

[oldshirt]

As someone else meted talking to the friend she went on the trip with isn't an option because she would with hold info, and run to the wife with the fact I was inquiring about the trip and I feel the friend that took her to the club would also mention that I contacted her.

 

I agree that you should not contact them directly for the reason you mentioned.

 

What I meant was don't over look emails or txts etc from the friends as those communications may very well contain the smoking gun.

[oldshirt]

DO NOT MAKE THE STATEMENT IF YOU CATCH HER " that you love her and will forgive her".

 

The minute you make that statement you have given her total control of the narrative.

 

 

This is also an important piece ^^^^^

 

Do NOT tip your cards, do not reveal your sources of information, and do not immediately state your intentions.

 

What Frisky said is true. If you catch her but immediately say something like, "we will work this out" or that you love and forgive her etc etc, then you have condoned and accepted her behavior and it will continue and you will be cuckolded.

 

Oh she might put the OM on stand-by for a period of time while things cool off and she does damage control. But if she knows you won't dump her, then once the dust has settled she will either recontact the OM and be more careful about not getting caught, or if he isn't still in the picture she will eventually find someone else.

 

See an attorney and have a pre-plan in place and know about all your rights and responsibilities in a divorce and have a plan in place to immediately shut down her taking out all the accounts and assets.

 

And then keep all your cards to yourself and do not reveal any of your plans as to whether to try to reconcile or divorce.

 

She is under a fog of hormones that keeping her brain from seeing reality. Nothing cuts through that fog faster than not knowing if your BS is going to divorce you right then and there, or try to reconcile.

 

If she pushes you for a decision or demands to know your intentions, Tell her you need time to gather more facts and weigh all options before you make a decision.

 

Tell her to leave and stay with her family or at least move into the guest bedroom while you think about it. Make sure she leaves and not you.

 

You do not want to make this more difficult on yourself and easier on her. She's the one that had the fun on her trip so she gets to be the one that does all the heavy lifting if she wants to remain married.

 

If she decides she doesn't want to stay and wants to call it quits, then that is her choice and she made it easier for you to decide what to do.

[Mr R]

Like I've said before I've been snooping for a few weeks now. Every chance I get I grab her phone or tablet and begin my search for any info I can gather most times I only have a few minutes at most to look, gather info cover my tracks and replace items to where they were add to not be suspicious.

My gut tells me she's not doing anything local add we live in a small town. But the same gut says something happened that night she was out of town she's not telling me about. Part of me says she just went out with the girls for a night of drinking and nothing happened. But part of me says something did.

The club I mentioned in my original post I failed to mention was a gay club because her friend that's local to the city was in is gay(not a big deal).

So pussy off me also want to say this has something to do with us getting married so young. I mean she turned 18 two days before our wedding and I was only 20. And she never experienced what I call a party life like must do at that age it was never her thing. She says that I'm the only one she'd ever been with sexually. But I've always wondered about that.

[Poutrew]

The gay stuff adds another dimension to this problem. Maybe she was telling you the truth that you were the only man she has had sex with... but could she be a closet bisexual? Maybe her and the friend got a little too friendly in that gay bar? Or maybe they had history from before you met her and started to relive old gay times? Your problem just got more complex...

[oldshirt]

VARs will answer your questions pretty quickly.

[Mr R]

The gay stuff adds another dimension to this problem. Maybe she was telling you the truth that you were the only man she has had sex with... but could she be a closet bisexual? Maybe her and the friend got a little too friendly in that gay bar? Or maybe they had history from before you met her and started to relive old gay times? Your problem just got more complex...

 

The gay friend was only met about 3 maybe 4 years ago through our place of employment. So there's no back history with her. She use to swear lesbians were nasty but admitted about 10 years ago that she would like to be kissed by a girl after another straight friend told her about a drunken make out session with another straight friend. I told her to find a girl she found attractive that was into that type of thing and do it (every guys fantasy right his hot wife making out with another hot woman) but the stipulation was only if I could watch. I knew it would never happen because my wife is shy, timid, and lacks self confidence. For a short time after these conversations she would occasionally hint at a threesome. But this only happened when we were watching porn that had a threesome scene in it. I knew it was only bedroom talk.

I seriously doubt she had any gay lovers before me since she was 16 when we started dating and was barely allowed out of her house without a sister or cousin. But the last porn we purchased together I had her to look at the selection and make the final decision and is was all girl on girl and asked why she said girl on girl porn was hotter. So then the next round of porn was a mix of girl on girl and regular man with woman.

The night she went to that club I jokingly told her no lesbian stuff unless I got pictures and she was bring her home for me to watch. She told me it wouldn't happen because she'd be too embarrassed to do it without me there.

I may have opened a can of worms so years ago.

Edited September 29, 2016 by Mr R

[Friskyone4u]

Forget about blamin g yourself.

 

Fund out the truth!!

 

Stop getting diverted by speculation.

 

Start with the VAR like tomorrow